hurtnharry Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Hi.. I am new to this forum, I have recently broken up with a partner of three years. I could use some advice.. the first bit I already know.. don't fall for someone you work with I have to see her every day.. we work in the same building. I caught her in a hotel room with the father of a young man we both support. I work in mental health Every day I have the wound reopened. I have tried to be proffessional at the office... but it is the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. She brings dates to the office. Sometimes late at night.. when I drive home I see her in the building with someone.. lately she has had people meet her at lunch etc. We made an agreement that the workplace was to be off limits... but that does not seem to be a two party agreement. I am taking the split very hard.... this constant reminder is killing me... I would seek a new job.. but they are really scarce. We are not employed by the same company.. just share office building space. she is an executive director.. I hold the same job category.. only with a different title..we work in the same community.. make the same contacts.. the Man I caught her with assisted in getting a major grant for their organization.. I am really hurt and angry.. wanting to tell the world that the relationship ended for a reason that was not my fault.... I accept my role in the end of the relationship.. I feel like she is slapping me in the face every chance she gets... I want to tell the world.. I feel like a pariah.. her staff of course is supportive of her.. and I get to be the bad guy... tired of sucking it up.... don't know what to do...this kills me a little every day..
GrayClouds Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 don't know what to do...this kills me a little every day.. That sucks really really bad. I suggest putting effort to seeing her as she is, a very deceitful and destructive individual. understand her behaviors is a reflection of her rather then you. In time others will see her true colors. Understadn anything you do or say at this point will reflect poorly on you rather then her. I suspect she better at telling lies then you are at telling the truth. Interesting she is in human services to help strangers while hurting those close to her. Talk about the ability of disassociation. Be thankful that this happen now rather then if you were married with kids. She is going to be a wrecking ball for some time to those close to her. The best was to deal with her is to the limited, to the point, polite. Get involved in something outside of work that can keep you busy. I highly suggest hitting the gym, starting exercising, hit the weights. The endorphines help calm the mind, the physical improvements help with the self-esteem. Read the link for more help, Do what it says (have Limited Contact since you can not go full NC) it will make it easier, not easy but easier. The No Contact Guide So you want a second chance? I also suggest putting together a list of thing that you dislike about her, nothing is too small of too big, from being a lair to a cheat, to picking her nose to granny panties she wore. Add to it every time you start to feel bad so show you how luck you are that you are not with this wacko.
paleblue Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 (edited) i can not add much more to what grayclouds has suggested. all i can tell you is that i also work with my ex. in the same building, on the same floor, and we see each other enough. she is also very good at being deceitful. ours ended about a year and a half ago, after 4 years or so. she ditched me when she had someone else lined up - her ex, the one before me! she lied straight faced to me it. denied everything. now she wants to be friends with me. why? because she really likes and respects me as a person? ummm, probably not. it is only to make herself feel better. in fact she is still trying to deceive me a year and a half later. she doesnt know i know they are together. i dont know their whole story - they have been back and forth with each other - maybe they are solid now, maybe not, i dont know, but she told me she was "single" a month ago. but yet she is sleeping over either with him or someone else. not sure exactly. i dont want to know anymore. i have seen him come to our office waiting to pick her up at lunch a few times. last year he was outside the office grabbing her ass right out in the open. but yet she tells me it was a "joke". i mean really, talk about being a liar. i feel embarassed and humiliated. so i can relate when you say the wound keeps being reopened over and over and over. today was tough to deal with when i saw her. i held it in at work but on the way home i was shaking from anger and pain. maybe part of it is over her, maybe part of it is because things didnt work out with a new girl i was seeing. whatever the real reason, the site of her set off waves of emotion in me today. and not good ones. what has helped me is to not initiate contact with her. do not talk about her to your co-workers. AT ALL. do not discuss your personal business with her. do not discuss anything about her that may get back to her somehow. and just like gray clouds stated - the best way to deal with her when you have to run into her is -to be polite, to the point, and limited. you will have to suck it up. pretend like it does not affect you. it is a game to her. she most likely has limited capacity for empathy. that region of her brain is probably either partially or completely dysfunctional. any warm blooded normal person would not be behaving like your ex is behaving. and here is something else to think about - down the road - when ever mine gets nosey, usually after we havent talked for a few months - she comes snooping around, making noise trying to get my attention. or i will get an email here or there, or when her world is falling apart - all the sudden i am her best friend. its not that she really cares. it is just an ego boost for her. again, be polite, short, to the point, you are doing great, you are happy. buy some new cloths. whatever it takes. eventually the suffering should lessen when you start healing after awhile. it may take an extra amount of time because you see her weekly. but you will. today, was a really bad after seeing her, thinking about how great her life must be with him, and valentines day and they are probably going to be sleeping together this weekend. while i am sitting here completely miserable by myself. but i can tell you that a lot of days are not like this anymore. i have less and less of these days at this point. some days i feel really good about myself. im still not sure what hurts more, her sleeping with someone else, or the utter lack of care or concern for me. sorry, dont mean to make this about me, just sharing my experience of what i have been going thru when dealing with the lying, deceitful ex that i work with. Edited February 13, 2010 by paleblue
Author hurtnharry Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 It's almost June.. she came in today with yet another beau.. found it painful and left. I appreciate all the advice. I put it into practice and it helps. I am seeing someone new.. that helps too.. but .. well .. it still hurts. Thanks for the advice
Cantcope Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 You have NO idea how helpful it is to know I'm not alone working with the ex. I see mine several times a day laughing it up and acting like Mr. Effing Popularity. Sometimes I want to go into his office and choke the crap out of him. Problem is, people didn't know about us, so they still talk about him in front of me, invite me to go hang out with all of them....yet I'm always making excuses not to go because I just can't be around him.
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