soup Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Sorry for the huge post. After looking at some threads here, my girlfriend was really not that bad. We never cheated on each other. We had some fun. Thing was she had lots of issues with rejection and insecurity and it reached a point where I was afraid to do many everyday things with her because she was so quick to become angry and say it was my fault. I became ill from stress. I would wake up hoping she would go to work soon without having a tantrum about clothes/her body/being fat. If I say she looks nice she calls me a liar. It got to the point where I was relieved when she was away or I was away. I would feel myself again, be able to talk and feel calm. Even though I loved her, I would always be thinking "how am i gonna get away from this?" She would not often let me have time alone which is something I need, just a day or two a week to myself. She 95% moved into my place without ever discussing it. I guess I should've been firmer about it from the start. Shouldn't have let her have a key. She still has her own place though. I know "normal" people live together in couples but I am just someone who needs 20% time alone. It's not that weird or wrong is it? Sometimes we would argue and she might pack all her stuff and leave, call me all kinds of names, then come back a few hours later and be sorry. Once she threatened to kill herself if I broke up with her. We stopped having sex months ago. I started to find her repulsive in some way even though she is pretty. It felt like being touched by a doctor or something. The idea of us having a family together is not appealing. All of this seems like nothing compared to the vicious cheats I am reading about on here! But that kind of makes it harder. She's not a bad person or evil, she just makes me feel bad and I need to move on. I finally broke up with her after a year, last week. She didn't seem to believe me and kept (still keeps) saying it'll be ok, we'll be fine..... 2 days later she took an overdose which didn't work, came to my house and abused me for "betraying her" by calling an ambulance. I spent a few days with her trying to help her feel better but refusing to get back with her. We had some horrible fights that didn't make any sense, about things like her idea that I've already got the next girl lined up... (actually I don't feel like I ever want to be in a relationship again.) She called me a lot of things. I just tried to make sure she's ok. I lost my temper a couple of times and said "oh f--- off" but nothing worse than that compared to what she was saying. I had to call the police after she snatched my mobile phone and threatened to kill herself again. I have changed the locks. It feels like I am betraying her. But I am afraid. I'm so scared she will harm herself because she doesn't ever talk to friends or family about her problems. She has a huge fear of embarrassment or shame. She puts on an incredible front when someone else is around, for example the way she lied to the ambulance people after her overdose. I told her brother what's up but I don't know if he's doing anything. He has his own life to deal with. She's not going to work and not eating. So now I feel: relieved it's over. really lonely and sad, my house is so quiet and empty. worried about her. I am talking to her once or twice a day, very short calls just to make sure she is alive basically. I know it's not my fault if she hurts herself but I still feel like I have the power to stop her (obviously at my own emotional expense). It's a hard place to be. Any thoughts? Thanks.
Author soup Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 oh sorry there's more.... She keeps alternating between "I'm going to kill myself and it's your fault, you vicious _______" and then "I love you, I'm sorry, I know everything is going to be OK." Now I have said to her if she threatens suicide ever again then I will break all contact. That was yesterday.....
Ronni_W Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 She keeps alternating between "I'm going to kill myself and it's your fault, you vicious _______" and then "I love you, I'm sorry, I know everything is going to be OK." I would suggest that you need to get yourself informed. Call a suicide crisis line, or Hospital Emergency, and ask what you can and need to do -- for your own peace of mind as well as to find out *if & how* there's anything you can do to help her get the professional help that she needs. And commit to doing it. (If you're gonna Google for your info, please make darn sure that you're using a reliable source.) You do not have any power to stop anybody from ending their life. ZERO power. So, when she commits suicide, it won't be because of anything you did or did not do, or "coulda" done, or "shoulda" done. At the funeral service and after it, there would be no need for guilt and "if only I 'woulda' done." Whatever else it might be, IMO, suicide is also a spiritual choice. It's something one decides in consultation with one's Higher Self and/or Creator (whatever those things are to the individual.) Right now, she has 100% power and control over you because you're (falsely, inaccurately) thinking-believing that you somehow have power and influence over Life-and-Death. You do not. You may want to consider: Telling her that you have reached new conclusions about your own power to prevent her death, no matter how it comes. Telling her what your new conclusions are. Letting her know that you are no longer afraid, and will not be threatened and bullied by her. Telling her that you are not accepting fault or blame, that you are giving the entire problem back to her because she is the entire source of it; it begins and ends with her. SHE is being vicious by trying to control and manipulate you by pulling the ultimate of 'trump cards'. Tell her that. Tell her that she is an adult and, as such, is responsible and accountable for ALL decisions and choices about her life...and her death. I know it's a tough situation, and I'm sorry you're having to deal with it. Above all else, I would strongly urge you to seek some guidance from mental health and medical professionals. Do everything that you need to do to alleviate your own sense of responsibility and guilt, and then leave it up to her and her Higher Self and Creator. God Bless.
Author soup Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 Thanks. Yeah I found her a counsellor and got her to book it and even offered to go with her but she didn't go. I hope she will in the future. I told her brother about things; he is the only one of her friends and family whose number I have. Right now, she has 100% power and control over you because you're (falsely, inaccurately) thinking-believing that you somehow have power and influence over Life-and-Death. You do not. Yeah this is the big thing. SHE is being vicious by trying to control and manipulate you by pulling the ultimate of 'trump cards'. Tell her that. Tell her that she is an adult and, as such, is responsible and accountable for ALL decisions and choices about her life...and her death. Yes of course I have. She interprets it as me being vicious, selfish etc. I hope that when she is in a calmer moment she will understand it. At least I told her "no more contact if you ever use that threat again" and she seemed to understand and agree. I will go and see a counsellor, unfortunately I can't get an appointment for a couple of weeks so for now I am on here and calling friends and helplines. Neither of us believe in any religion so trusting our creator is no help at all I'm afraid. Seriously, thanks for replying.
Ronni_W Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Good that she seems to have gotten your message that you're not going to just stay a target for her threats. I know it's harder to pull off when there's actually someone threatening to kill themselves and blaming you for it, but just do your best to stay 'strong and brave' (if it ever happens again.) You could also just say, "I'm going to take your threat seriously so I need to hang up immediately and get you some help because I do care about you." And then just dial 911, and let them take care of it. Probably will only have to do that once. I know that you know but I'll reassure you, anyway: Just cos she's saying that you're "vicious" and "selfish" does not make it so -- you sound incredibly patient, compassionate and caring, to me. Even if she never gets around to understanding it or seeing you in that light. It's still just her lack of understanding and ability to see it. Neither of us believe in any religion so trusting our creator is no help at all I'm afraid. I understand. Trust whatever it is that you believe got you here. Nature, the Big Bang, Luck, Fluke. Doesn't really matter. The point is more that you don't have any power over that thing -- ZERO power over whatever it is that causes us to be alive and dead, or to think that we're alive, or to perceive that others are dead. (If that makes sense?) Best of luck.
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