pls Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 My boyfriend goes out to eat every night at restaurant BARS - always sits at the bar and has several beers with his dinner. He takes clients out to strip clubs several times a year - because he says thats where they ask to go. He even has meetings with his insurance agent over drinks somewhere. I am a jealous person - no if ands or buts. I can't help it. He says there's nothing to worry about, but I still do. It's been almost a year and every time he tells me about where he's been, my stomach twists into knots and it feels like my heart is breaking. Do I just need to let him go because I can't handle the situation, can't handle his lifestyle? I realize it's me, not him, with the problem. I don't think counseling will fix my problem and I don't want to spend years making us both miserable. Someone tell me what to do. I need some advice here - badly!
EricaH329 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 My boyfriend also goes out to bars every night. At first, I was really uneasy about it. But then I learned to deal with it. You have to trust him. And know that if he wants to do something to betray your trust, he will do it regardless of if he is at a bar or a strip club.
phineas Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 My dad does sales. My friend does sales. The out of town clients ALWAYS want to go to a strip club. He actually tells you he's going to strip clubs. He's making that sacrifice for his clients. LOL! I'd be concerend more about how much he winds up drinking on a regular basis. I go to bar restuarants also & drink beer with my meal. But I go maybe once or twice a month.
Eeyore79 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Would he continue this behaviour if you got married? Would he eat out alone every night and leave you (and the kids when you have some) to eat at home? Apart from him wasting vast sums of money which could be better spent, I'd be concerned about how his behaviour would impact on your family life if you lived together. Also if he's drinking every day, that's a serious problem verging on alcoholism. Do you want to be married to a drinker who downs beers every day and dies of cirrhosis at a fairly young age, leaving you widowed? Personally I wouldn't date a man whose morals allowed him to frequent strip clubs, but each to their own - you need to decide for yourself how you feel about this. But the drinking and wasting money alone would be enough for me to dump him I'm afraid.
EricaH329 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 My situation is completely different from the OPs, but all the same, i've allowed myself to get over it. Some people like to go to the gym every day, others like to go to bars every day. To each their own. And from what I got from the OP was that he doesn't get hammered every night he goes out. She mentioned they 'meet over drinks'. I know that if I were meeting a client I most certainly would not get drunk. I'd have a few drinks and leave it at that. Some people like the bar atmosphere as a means of relaxing after a hard days work. Now, if he was getting drunk every night I could see why it'd be a huge issue. If they had children he was ignoring, it'd be a huge issue. But until those problems arise, why would you hold someone accountable for doing those things? OP -- has he been ignoring you because of him doing these things? Does he go out to bars and strip clubs when he isn't meeting with clients? If you feel as though he goes out all the time (not with clients) and he is beginning to ignore you, then i'd ask for him to cut back a little bit because you feel as though you are second best to the bars.
Jersey Shortie Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 OP, your boyfriends bring clients to strip clubs because that's where he wants to bring them. Period. Men love to play the blame game.."my friends made me go...I only go because of my friends..i just bring m yclients..the women don't turn me on..I jsut go for the male bonding.." yada yada yada..they go for the naked chicks because they think they deserve a free pass when it comes to strip clubs. Because it's an outlet for him, a sexual one. One that he might not hook up with a striper but do not be fooled that on some level, it's clearly an outlet way beyond the business. In all honesty, you shouldn't be apologizing for him going to strip clubs makes you feel. While men will sit here and toot the chastity of these esblashments, the reason men go is because they are a sexually charged environment with naked women. What woman wouldn't feel someone questionable here? Tell him about your concerns, work out boundries between the two of you, if he is unwilling to listen to you then yes, move on. Believe it or not, I do think men are able to survive relationships without the titilation of strip clubs. Infact, there are men who don't ever go because they believe them bane.
RobM Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 OP, your boyfriends bring clients to strip clubs because that's where he wants to bring them. Period. How many male sales clients do you have to entertain? Sorry, but in this case you are wrong, I've had to take clients to strip clubs, in a lot of cases if you want to make sales, you have to take them where they want.
Jersey Shortie Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Was going to add something but have decided against it.
RobM Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 What, did you want to start calling me names again?
meerkat stew Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Bored businessmen new in town love to go to strip bars. If a client comes to town, it is wise to ask what they are in the mood for and try to satisfy their wishes. With respect to his going to bars for every single dinner, that's extremely unhealthy and likely expensive, that type of restaurant food is almost always way high in fat, carbs, and other undesirable stuff even those dishes that appear healthy on the surface can have tons of fat crammed in. Add alcohol in and you have some high risk behavior over the long term. If you see a long term future with this guy, try to appeal to him to eat in more.
Jersey Shortie Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 (edited) Bored businessmen new in town love to go to strip bars. If a client comes to town, it is wise to ask what they are in the mood for and try to satisfy their wishes. Answer: Bored businessmen away from their families visiting strip clubs > then life partner. That's the short of it. It doesn't matter what the OP thoughts or feelings on. Only that these men and the boyfriend still get the chance to visit strip clubs while their wives/gfs are at home taking care of their children or doing whatever. Edited February 17, 2010 by Jersey Shortie
boogieboy Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Do I just need to let him go because I can't handle the situation, can't handle his lifestyle? I realize it's me, not him, with the problem. You need to let him go because you DONT WANT to handle it. Youre preference is that you want him to be with you because of your insecurity. You might as well break it off because you dont want to work on that aspect. BTW your insecurity will kill future relationships as well. Its strip clubs now, it will be other things later.
Bejita463 Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 You need to let him go because you DONT WANT to handle it. Youre preference is that you want him to be with you because of your insecurity. You might as well break it off because you dont want to work on that aspect. BTW your insecurity will kill future relationships as well. Its strip clubs now, it will be other things later. An aversion to strip clubs is not THAT unreasonable. There's a bit of a leap between "Don't go look at naked women live" and "Don't look at other women." I agree that it is a sign of a lack of trust and insecurity though.
meerkat stew Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Answer: Bored businessmen away from their families visiting strip clubs > then life partner. That's the short of it. It doesn't matter what the OP thoughts or feelings on. Only that these men and the boyfriend still get the chance to visit strip clubs while their wives/gfs are at home taking care of their children or doing whatever. Oh god, get out the violins for all those poor women sitting at home and taking care of the children while the guy is lasciviously wasting the college fund panting at strippers . Odds are the children if they exist are with a sitter while the stay at home spouse is out on the town flirting, dancing with strangers, etc. See how extrapolated assumptions work? Just leave them out to be taken seriously. One of the reasons out of town businessmen like to go to strip bars is so they won't be tempted to go bar hopping and actually put themselves in an environment where cheating temptation is a risk. In fact, it may surprise you all to know that strip bars are popular with business travelers as an excuse NOT to go out for real. Drinks are so expensive that they don't get drunk and hungover, and regardless of what many women seem to think, the average stay at a strip bar is very short for most men. It's usually an excuse to do something with one's business associates for an hour before politely excusing oneself and crashing at the hotel. Go to a regular bar and "aw c'mon, just one more" is the order of the day, go to a strip bar and get in bed in the room as fast as possible. There is often a "younger-older" dynamic in business trips also. The older guys go to the strip bar, so they have proven their "manly" credentials and then sneak out the back and crash. The younger single guys can then do whatever they want with the rest of the night. If a fancy restaurant is chosen, the meal can go on and on, head to a strip bar right after work, everyone meets their social obligations, all save face and those who want get to the alone quiet time they really want and need. Many men of a certain age and experience level find strip bars boring but convenient ways to socialize with business associates. Something else also, in the last 20 years, have had women want to go to strip bars at least as frequently as men. Lots of younger women find them fun and a hoot these days. But that doesn't comport with the "received doctrine" so I imagine the truth of how things play out will be ignored here. When someone suggests "strip bar" my eyes glaze and roll internally, while I say "sure sounds great" because I know I will be out of there soon without seeming a party pooper or prude.
Jersey Shortie Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Its strip clubs now, it will be other things later. That could also be applied to a man that goes to strip clubs. I don't like the call out on "insecurity". I think it's pretty understandable to understand why a woman would feel a bit insecure that her husband or boyfriend is going to strip clubs. It's not an asexual experience. I don't like that we are trying to shame her for feeling insecurity on something that naturally is going to raise some questions. I also think the strict defense of strip clubs is in part due to male insecurity as well.
SuburbanOblivion Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Right or wrong, the strip club trips make the OP feel hurt and insecure. Either the boyfriend is willing to change the behavior or he isn't. OP, if it makes you that uncomfortable and he is unwilling to change it, I say move on. No sense stressing yourself out over this. For the record I wouldn't date a guy who drinks every single day anyways. JMO.
SoConfusledandHurt Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 I dont think you should have to deal with it, there are plenty of men out there who totally respect the fact that when they are in a serious relationship they dont have to go to places like that. The cost alone is probably rediculous...I would not want to be with a man who did that.
katiel Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 it isn't "insecurity". if you're happy with someone, what is the need to look at someone else naked? call it whatever, i don't care. that's not insecure or unreasonable, assuming you are faithful to him. however, as far as all that taking clients there or whatever, that's a tough one. because some other posters were right when they said he can't very well tell them no i am commited to my girlfriend i won't go to those places. he will more than likely lose business and possibly his job over that. no matter what job field you are in, your real job is always customer service and making people happy... so i really don't know where to go with that one. i know how bad it can be, but is there any way you can talk about it with him? some guys there is just no reasoning with, but if he is the kind that will listen that may help?
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