Line Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 I am 30 and my husband is 35, we have no children and we have been married for 7 years… I have decided that it would be best to separate as I have never been fully satisfied in my relationship with my husband – emotionally. However, he is a very good person and loves me very much in his own way and this is one of the reasons I have procrastinated for so long, I don’t want to face his hurt and anger and resentment, but I know it will be worse the longer it goes on. I also love him dearly but it just doesn’t work. I feel he is in a balance with me and told me once that he thinks it is because of the religion…and I have to say that I believe it too. We love each other but things do not go either of us wants and I feel he is unsettled and so I am. It is like we are living in a parallel life. I have come to terms with how much I will miss him in my life, but that I need to set him free and find someone I connect fully with, and he needs someone who is truly reciprocal. Things do not work for me anymore and I want to separate as I believe it is the right thing to do. We are going to move from our current address soon and I think it will be the right time to tell him. I have started to pack our things separately and I just now try to find the right time to tell him…I have to say it is very difficult as it seems to me it is never the right time! I want to make it as easy and clean for him as possible, and treat him with the respect and kindness he deserves as I love him… I have been trying to do a scenario in my head and wonder how he is going to react about my decision. I have tried in two occasions to tell him that if we both feel the same way maybe we should consider the separation but he said it is not a decision to take like that…and seems not to want to talk about it and trying to please me, hugging, loving, kissing, buying me things…he makes my decision more difficult… How to tell him? How would he react?!... Is there someone in the same situation as me! Could I have any advice?... Thank you! Line.
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Why are giving up without even trying to reconnect with him and fix your marriage? Have you two gone to marriage counselling? Do you feel you've given the marriage your best shot, tried everything to make it work? Sounds like your H is clueless as to how you're feeling. And with that said, more than likely his reaction is going to be big. Meaning, he's going to be upset. Anyway, if you feel this is best for you, then just be honest and divorce quickly, make it as fair and easy on him as possible. Just hope that you don't regret this decision and one day look back and wonder what things could have been like if you two worked together to make the marriage better.
Author Line Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Thank you for your reply.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I have to say that I am very sad to come to this decision. I’ve tried to make this marriage work but I found myself most of the time crying… I wanted to believe things would change for better but he does things in his own way…he is more a father figure to me or a good friend than a husband…and I know he will not change because he is as he is…[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I know also that there will be no coming back and I will have to cut him completely in my life as I would not bear to see someone else by his side… It is a great shame but I am tired to fight![/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]It is the biggest thing of my life I am going to do...I feel very nervous about it...[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Line. [/sIZE][/FONT]
Author Line Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 Thank you for your reply. I have to say that I am very sad to come to this decision. I've tried to make this marriage work but I found myself most of the time crying...I wanted to believe things would change for better but he does things in his own way...he is more a good friend than a husband...and I know he will not change because he is as he is... I know also that there will be no coming back and I will have to cut him completely in my life as I would not bear to see someone else by his side...It is a great shame but I am tired to fight! It is the biggest thing of my life I am going to do...I feel so nervous about it... Line.
PWSX3 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 I would hate to leave a marriage knowing I didn't do everything I could have to save it. You say you have tried to make this marriage work, yet you have not been to counseling. Sometimes it takes outside help for us to see things we don't really see. Remember there are two people in this relationship with two different ideas & so a counselor can help you both get on the same page. You say he will never change, have you sat down & really had a heart to heart talk with him?????? I would think there are a few things you could try before giving up.
Author Line Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 I have to say that I am also taking this decision because there are things had been said it really hurt my feelings...My husband is a very good person but he could also become very moody if I do not know what he tells me... I do not know really where to start because so many things happened that did not work for me. I know he loves me and cares for me...but it is like he does not see my needs... My husband and I are very honest and have always been truthful to each other. It could hurt badly sometimes! One of the things he said that touched me deeply is that I was trying to destroy him because I am not listenning!!! I think to make him happy I just need to do what he tells me even if it is not working for me!... When we first met, he did tell me that he has financial problems. I told him that I love him, not for his money but for the person he is...You know, I believe in love and rich or poor...if we are together as a loving couple things should work. However I do not feel that way...he is unsettled and makes me unsettled too. He often out. He comes home about 2, 3 or 4pm in the morning...I don't know..I trust him when he says that he is going to his favourite place. Time to time is ok with me..but I don't understand why it should be practically every single night! I am also upset about something happened recently...in fact, if I look back I have been upset too many times... He knows my feelings. He knows everything... Last year, for the very first time I have the great opportunity to meet his parents who stayed our home for about 3 or 4 weeks. Very nice people. He made me feel that I was completely nothing comparing to them...it really hurt!...When I asked him why he made me feel that way; it is like I was not the right person for him, he answered me that it tought about it many times and that maybe we should be only friends! You know, I am confused...I feel that he is in a balance with me and he is like a bird in a cage. I am not the same religion as his and we believe it is maybe one of the reasons why things do not work the way we both want... Do you really think going to see a counsellor would help?
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Yes. Seeing a marriage counsellor will help. You can't throw away your marriage without trying and giving him a chance to make it work, without you giving it a chance to work.
Author Line Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 Yes, I could try even though I am feeling tired emotionnally...why not? I will try to talk to him about seeing a marriage counsellor and see what he says. Thank you. Line.
Norville_Rogers Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 I am 30 and my husband is 35, we have no children and we have been married for 7 years… I have decided that it would be best to separate as I have never been fully satisfied in my relationship with my husband – emotionally. However, he is a very good person and loves me very much in his own way and this is one of the reasons I have procrastinated for so long, I don’t want to face his hurt and anger and resentment, but I know it will be worse the longer it goes on. I also love him dearly but it just doesn’t work. I feel he is in a balance with me and told me once that he thinks it is because of the religion…and I have to say that I believe it too. We love each other but things do not go either of us wants and I feel he is unsettled and so I am. It is like we are living in a parallel life. I have come to terms with how much I will miss him in my life, but that I need to set him free and find someone I connect fully with, and he needs someone who is truly reciprocal. Things do not work for me anymore and I want to separate as I believe it is the right thing to do. We are going to move from our current address soon and I think it will be the right time to tell him. I have started to pack our things separately and I just now try to find the right time to tell him…I have to say it is very difficult as it seems to me it is never the right time! I want to make it as easy and clean for him as possible, and treat him with the respect and kindness he deserves as I love him… I have been trying to do a scenario in my head and wonder how he is going to react about my decision. I have tried in two occasions to tell him that if we both feel the same way maybe we should consider the separation but he said it is not a decision to take like that…and seems not to want to talk about it and trying to please me, hugging, loving, kissing, buying me things…he makes my decision more difficult… How to tell him? How would he react?!... Is there someone in the same situation as me! Could I have any advice?... Thank you! Line. It will never be the "right time". The only way it's going to happen is if you open your mouth and say it. That is the only way it's RIGHT time.
Author Line Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 To Phineas: My husband is my first and only one. If I manage to tell him that I want to separate, I would like to focus on my studies which are very important to me...only my studies. To Ann09: Were you in the same situation as I am?... To Norville_Rogers: Yes, I believe so but still it is not easy!... I have told to my husband about the marriage counsellor and I am not really convinced when he told me we will....and I am not sure if I want to either...
Author Line Posted February 26, 2010 Author Posted February 26, 2010 Hello everyone! Please, I need some information... I am planning to separate from my husband and he still does not know yet... My husband is going to apply for the bristish citizen and wants me to come with him. I have been trying to find out more information on the net about this and I have still found the information I am looking for... does someone know if he has the british citizen then he is separated, is going to affect his application?... line
Author Line Posted February 26, 2010 Author Posted February 26, 2010 I am feeling tired and horrible... I do not really care if my husband wants to apply the British Citizen if he wants it...I am just so upset that things do not go the way we want and the fact he still does not know that I am going to separate him. It just makes me crazy!... He promised me that he is going to take a decision soon and he is not going to tell me what it is...but I know! We are not rich and we have just moved to a small place after living in a flat with all the bills on the top which we are still trying to pay now. ...Moving to this new small place, it is a chance for us to pay what we owe but my husband is not happy where we are now... Well, Mr wants to live in a big flat even if he cannot afford it!!! Last week, he was having a discussion with his brother and I heard the following words: 3 months, mortgage, contract....I do not know exactly his plan but I know what he means by these words: 3 months: we have three months left to stay in this small flat before we are able to give our notice. Mortgage: a place with all bills are on the top...I imagine! Just needed to express my feelings... I could say that I tell him now...that things do not work for me anymore, I am leaving but I do not want to have any debt behind when I will leave him and we still have three months contract to respect before leaving the place we are now.... Oh God! I am drained...I do not understand him...he is reacted like everything is fine even when I told him my feelings... I asked him that I want to see a counsellor but just said yes...but I know....he does not want to.... Anyway! just needed to empty this feeling....it is eating me inside... Line.
LonelyTiger Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 I'm sorry, Line, I don't know anything about UK immigration laws. However, I do know what it's like to be in a relationship where communication has totally broken down. You really need to sit down with your husband and tell him everything that you are thinking and feeling. In detail and as soon as possible. What happens from that point on really depends on what he says - or doesn't say. Good luck.
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