HurtingAndConfused Posted January 4, 2004 Posted January 4, 2004 Hello, I have been with my "girlfriend" (ex now I suppose)for over 3 years, until last week. I am 21 years old, and I am aware that I have my whole life to search for the "one." However, I love this girl with all my heart and don't want to lose her. I do believe that she is the "one" for many reasons. I want this to work out between us because we have been through so much together. She has spent the night at my house for about 1-2 years. We were really close. We saw each other everyday. We know everything about each other. I thought everything was cool between us...Yes we had our fights and disagreements, but that is normal...However, about a month ago she called me ...we talked for a while..she didnt seem right...she then told me that she needed her time alone. This is my first real relationship so I did not know what that meant. I took it really hard. Luckly the next day she called me at work, and offered to pick me up so that we could talk. We talked and I told her I would change...I would start taking her out more often...start being more romantic..ect...She agreed to stay with me....But after the day she told me that she needed some time off I was too emotional to be myself. About 2 weeks passed. I took her out for dinner(her bday) and during dinner I asked her what she was going to do for New Years eve. She said that she was going out with her friend and asked if I wanted to go....of couse I said no...After I knew that I could not be with her for New Years I lost my appetite...She asked what was wrong and I told her...It made her upset...We got into an argument...After dinner I asked her if she wanted to go to my house...She was mad but still answered yes... When we got to my house we talked and argued...She then told me again that she needed her time off..."she needed time to do stuff on her own"...I asked her what she wanted and she said that she was not sure what she wanted...she said she was sorry for hurting me....I do not know how we made up but we started to kiss...she then asked if I wanted to make love with her..I replied yes ...(sorry getting personal...think its important to know) I had to go to the store...when i got back and after everything ..she told me that she would call me in 2 weeks...she circled the date on my calendar. In the end she said that she didn't do it because she was not mad anymore...or because she was happy...but because she loved me... About 5 days passed, and I called her on New Years day to only say happy NY day...(was it a bad Idea?) I didn't ask her where she went... Anyhow I have 1 week exactly till our "date" During our arguements she said that we went too fast...I told her that we should start all over...she agreed....from the first time she told me that she needed her time off we saw each other very little compared to when it was "normal." She said that we were like an elderly married couple...I think that she is bored....before all this we talked about the future and she told me that we wanted to marry me ect...After I finish school... I love her and want to make things right I am hurting really bad(I know you guys know the feeling) I hate it!...school is going to start again...i dont want to mess up in school....I keep thinking the worst...that she will leave me...I can not stop thinking of her... I told her that I could not live without her(Not suicidal)...When she calls is there anything that I should say?? What does she want??..Is She bored? Does she want someone else?? I know her...she would not be seeing another guy( I asked her already also) Is there anything else that I can do other than wait?? Can I make this relationship better?? What If she breaks up with me, should we be friends? Is there anyway if we break up that we could get back together?I count the days one by one...i went paintballing...to a casion...i started to work out went on a diet....but doing all these things does not help she is still in the picture 24/7.....I honestly never thought something like this would happen to me cuz I thought that we were both happy.
UCFKevin Posted January 4, 2004 Posted January 4, 2004 Yikes. That's a lot to take in. First of all, do nothing. There's nothing you can do, so don't do anything. Just TRY to be patient. Please. I wasn't patient. I pushed things. I f*cked things up due to my lack of patience. Granted, they could've been f*cked up anyway even if I did play it cool, but I'm not the kind of guy to just sit back and let things happen, I like MAKING them happen, which ain't always the best way to do things. Just give it time. Don't push her away.
IndyGirl Posted January 4, 2004 Posted January 4, 2004 whoa... I agree with UCFKevin about patience, but I also should add some things. You sound, from what you posted, to be a little bit on the needy side right now. Not that it is necessarily a bad thing, but it just isn't what she wants right now. I know what it is like though, you are desperate to try to find out what you can do to make it better. But you can't. Asking questions about 'why' or 'how long' it isn't going to make the situation any better. She has reasons why and she may have no idea how long of a break she needs. It is possible that she just wants to enjoy being single for awhile. Party a little and have some fun. Meet people, date others, hang out with single friends of hers... But nobody enjoys the single life for long. She may just be, like you said, bored with being a couple. She may want to experience life without a partner or she really wants to try out other partners to be sure she has found the right one. Everyone thinks the grass is greener on the other side at some point in their life. Truth is, it is fun on the other side for a while, but nothing lasts forever and eventually you start to miss the comfort of true companionship and love and you begin to miss the life you had before. Most of the time if one jumps the fence there is no getting back to the other side, but if you care about her and wait it out she may come around again. Just don't stop being her friend and don't wait forever. Give yourself (not her) a time limit. Mark your calander, if she hasn't shown signs of getting back together (note: don't ask her, let her come to you with thoughts of getting back together) then you should move on. Don't let her know that you are doing this either. Just make sure it is a comfortable amount of time for you and demand it to yourself that you start your life over at that time. Another thing, I know this may sound a little odd, but I have two friends who are a couple and the female wanted some 'time'. She wanted to party, play the field... blah blah blah you get the idea. Her boyfriend, a really great friend of mine, did something that worked like a charm. You see, when they first decided to take some time off he was impatient and called her all the time, wanting to talk, wanting her attention, letting her know that he couldn't go another day without her... She just stuck to her guns and was actually annoyed with him, right? Well, then after about a month, he just stopped calling. Made some new friends. Went out on a few dates... When the girl realized he wasn't paying attention to the fact that she was gone and he was living life as normal, she flipped. She started being the one calling all the time and wanting to talk... Funny how things work sometime, isn't it? Just don't be too needy towards her, let her know it effects you, but don't elaborate, don't tell her you miss her every time you see her. But, don't act like you don't care about her either... hard to juggle, eh? You can do it though. Just keep being strong. And remember, in the long run, if she really wants to be with you and it was meant to be she will come back... But like I said, don't wait forever. Sometimes they miss their chance, but that is the risk they are taking when asking to take time off. Words to live by: Any person worth crying over wouldn't make you cry to begin with. I wish you the best.
hurtingandconfused Posted January 5, 2004 Posted January 5, 2004 Sunday Night...Im thinking about her...I cant go on without her..I need help...is this normal?
SmittenKitten Posted January 5, 2004 Posted January 5, 2004 Any feeling u r feeling is normal... Hang in there buddy, I'm in ur boat...
Marty_McFly Posted January 5, 2004 Posted January 5, 2004 Yes, it's completely normal. I always have this gnawing, anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach that just won't go away, even though most of the people around me have no idea that I'm feeling this way inside. You miss her, and you feel hopeless because you can't do anything about it. She doesn't want to be with a weak and needy person, she wants a man with a strong mind. So you have to suck it up, stay strong, and you'll get through it.
greentea Posted January 10, 2004 Posted January 10, 2004 Hi hurtingandconfused! I am on the same boat right now. I feel so desperate and needy too. My bf of 4 years asked for a space over SMS 2 mnths ago and we have not talked deeply since. He has NEVER initiated contact with me not even during the holiday season. Everyone is advising me to STOP CONTACTING him, do what makes me happy and pray that one day he will come around. I am doing just that. Every day is not a good day for me. Sometimes, I feel strong, sometimes I feel VERY weak that I start to panic and think about what if he doesnt come around, what if he has already found someone else, what if we will never get back together... etc. I guess the only advice I can give you is to continue to not contact her. When you feel low and weak, please post your sentiments here. Keep in mind that life is too short to waste on worries and that the best revenge the you can do now is to take care of yourself emotionally and physically... be irresistable!
look forward Posted January 10, 2004 Posted January 10, 2004 My advise to you would be to take it one day at a time.. trust me I have been there its real hard.. some days are worse than others.. but for your own self worth and preservation you must stay strong..... do anything else, go out have fun with friends of you can, read, cinema, even stay in and have a cry just dont give in it just doesn't work in your favour... Hang on in there!!!!
monkey Posted January 10, 2004 Posted January 10, 2004 I returned home from America leaving the girl i love so much to give her the space & time she requires, she's very independent & probably thinks no different about being alone, afterall she is the one wanting the space. Its so hard for anyone in this position because me personally thinks always of the romantic, close time we spent & how could she want this. I missed her so much initially, that i emailed her lots telling her how i felt, how i couldn't continue with a life here & that i wanted to know when i could see her. I was trying to ask her what she had been doing & being paranoid & jealous about other men taking interest in her & it was making me very anxious.This made her say things to me i know she doesn't mean & i could hear her shouting & her anger in her mails, she's a very passionate lady.! It's been 9 weeks now & i miss her like crazy but when we mail i speak of getting back on with my job & positive things about whats going on here! Everyone on this thread has been right & it's taken me time to realise it, i just hope it's not too late. Give space & time & let nature take it's course. I always say that "absence makes the heart grow fonder", but on the other hand i don't want to grow apart. I expect somewhere there's a fine line. Be Cool!!
greentea Posted January 11, 2004 Posted January 11, 2004 look forward and monkey are right. Take it one day at a time. And just try to enjoy each day as you can. It's true that there will good days and bad days and that even if you try to enjoy yourself by doing the things that you like, it seems like it is temporary happiness for when you are back home or when you wake up early in the morning, you still feel the pain and the hurt. I am just like that, but at this point I know that I can't do anything but to be strong. I know that one day he will miss me, if he doesn't then maybe I don't deserve him. After some time, you will be fine, i promise. This is the time that you have to be strong, surround yourself with family and friends, buy a pet, just do the things that make you happy (temporarily or otherwise)... it helps. hang in there!
monkey Posted January 11, 2004 Posted January 11, 2004 My gf & i are having space, well she wants & i'm having to give. Things change all the time, at first it was no contact, then email once a week, then no contact again because i find myself starting talking of when & why. I feel so inpatient, its 3 days since i got a mail & it feels like 3 weeks. I can't just get on with my life as she tells me.! Space & time is all i hear. Everything i have been through has slipped me into a depression, but i can't tell her or she'l never want to be with me again, i must be strong & there for her & show her this. I f only i had a time machine, it's so hard. I just take positivity that things keep changing & what was said once, doesn't necessarily hold true for the future & visa versa. Waiting, waiting, waiting...
Empathy Posted January 12, 2004 Posted January 12, 2004 I am not sure what the difference is between giving space and breaking up. My ex-fiance asked for "space" but I refused b/c I didn't want to be lingering in the middle of road with him dating or doing whatever and me thinking 'we're not 100% broken so he may come back'. We broke up instead and have been for 4 months. I stopped speaking to him completely for 2 months until Christmas. Now, we IM infrequently and are casual. Once I emailed him my feelings but that is my next step, no sharing of feelings or thoughts with him at all b/c he does not deserve to have clarity about where I stand when he is as elusive and selfish as he wants to be and it always ends up feelings like I am casting my pearls before swine. Anyway, my point if I have one is that sometimes playing games works---you act like you don't care and the ex comes running---sometimes it does not work. At the end of the day I have come to believe that generally whether a person returns is not a function of how you respond to the break-up (granted stalking is definitely a wrong way that would permanently scare someone away) it is a function of what is truly in his/her heart and whether in time they see themselves as capable of sustaining a relationship. Your ex may be immature and it may have taken her all the time that you were together to realize that she is not ready for a relationship. Yes, it is a messed up thought that after you invest years with someone the other person is not ready but prepare yourself for that possibility. Don't blame yourself just know that you cannot give better than your best.
greentea Posted January 12, 2004 Posted January 12, 2004 i have a very bad experience with the "give me space/time" line. Two months ago, my (now) ex asked for space. I didnt want at first but I had no choice as he was avoiding my calls already. So I gave it to him, until yesterday I found out he is seeing someone else already. It crushed my heart. I feel like im a broken person now.
look forward Posted January 12, 2004 Posted January 12, 2004 Greentea I am so sorry to hear that.. I feel your pain i really do I have been there.. But you have to be strong and pick yourself up...its so hard and in my case it was a closed chapter for me I thought to myself "well thats it he's not coming back then" when i found out he was seeing someone else..i can get on with my life without feeling in limbo.. and low and behold 9 months later he contacted me, we are still not togther because of other issues and once again i am in that limbo state but this time i'm stronger because I have to be and so do you.. sweety, its crushing and there is no other pain like it..but life goes on and yours will just take it day by day... send me an e-mail sweety if you need to vent your anger, tears and heartache.. i've been there.....
monkey Posted January 12, 2004 Posted January 12, 2004 greentea that is so hard & i feel for you so much, it must be terrible having hopes dashed, i'd probably go into some kind of denial that it won't last long & they will realise what they missed. My gf told me on her birthday in December that she celebrates her freedom & not wants any man. She says she wants to see me in the future & see what this day brings. This day i look forward to so much & end up mentioning it a lot when i email her, the future & all! I can't help it, she wants friendship at the moment, i find it so difficult to talk about other issues that she wants at the moment, when there are so many unresolved issues in my mind. Empathy, i think your correct about playing games being good. Initially i over emailed her with questions which i know was wrong, because i feel i was treated harshly because my gf wants space due to a medical condition that occured that i couldn't help. So now i email rarely & i'm the type of person that responds to emails quickly (especially from her), she must look at mine, read them & leave it a fiew days, i just hope that showing i don't care doesn't explode in my face by increasing distance between us, when i'm doing it so she may become more curious of what i'm doing! Hopefully in all our situations, space makes them think of what they miss & in my case morally & ethically, if our roles were reversed, i would have loved & cared for her all the more & made my bond stronger, but thats just me!!
glasshammer Posted January 14, 2004 Posted January 14, 2004 SOMETIMES I find myself thinking.....When our loved one needs space and they are risking losing our relationship altogether....And we're impatient and asking when, when, when will he/she change her mind and come back to me.....I think, If they really truly loved us and wanted to be with us, why would they do this in the first place???
look forward Posted January 14, 2004 Posted January 14, 2004 Glassmaker i am currently thinking the same thing as you.. why the hell do they put you through this if they really loved you.. but then people change and so do thier thoughts and ideals about life including thier partner so sometimes its not about whats right for the both of you its just about whats right for them and in this case its "space".. So we also have the option of accepting they need space and hanging on in there but also trying to get on with life.. or walking away and not looking back.. either choice is hard but its up to you....
glasshammer Posted January 14, 2004 Posted January 14, 2004 Yep, I hear ya. It's just funny, Because never understood why people need complete space, It seems kind of childish like, "Okay, Now I don't want any responsabilites except to take care of myself." It's kind of a selfish move and it makes it difficult for those of us who aren't so selfish. If they think they need space, They should break it off all together. But sometimes, they string their loved ones a long and keep them close by and waiting, while they go out and have fun and try things.
monket Posted January 14, 2004 Posted January 14, 2004 Hi I think that wether they love you or not, if they feel temporarily constricted & are more independent than you & they say they need space, we automatically think that they don't care, when all they're doing is wanting something for themselves & it will improve the relationship. I see it as a test, yes, to see if we can do what they can do & respect it & this mabe will determine wether we are the one for them, or not. Mabe i'm crazy in my thoughts but this i am holding onto, as i do it for us!
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