someday. Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 (edited) About three years ago I was cleaning my husbands closet out and picked up an old pair of work boots that he kept in the back for a back-up pair and a condom fell out. When I asked him about it he said it was from a trip he'd taken to NY to watch a football game with his friends and he must have forgotten to throw it away. That trip was a year or so before and when he came home and I was doing his dirty laundry a condom fell out of his hoody. He said that the guys had bought a box as a joke to tease on guy in particular. That they put them on his doorknob, shaving cream, etc. My husband said that since it was his idea that the guy the pranked decided to get him back by putting several in my husband's suitcase. He said he thought he'd found them all and trashed them before he got home. I thought his football prank story sounded more like what middle schoolers would do than guys in their late 30's and early 40's. I decided to let it go at that. I also decided to let the story about the condom in the boot go since it had been so long and I couldn't remember if he'd taken that pair with him or not or if it was even the same type of condom's. We have been together for 18 years (married for 16) and we have never used condoms. That is until recently. About four months ago while we were in the middle of being intimate he stopped and said "wait I've got a condom in the truck, let me go get it". I flipped!!!! I asked him what the heck he had one in his truck for and the man actually stammered. He finally said for us to use. I sat there in awe as he returned with one ordinary condom. Not a pack and nothing "special" (in it was intended to spice things up). I asked him where the rest of the pack was and he said there was only one. Needless to say the next day I was compelled to look in the truck. I found a pack of condoms tucked in behind the some other items in the door. It took me a couple of weeks to get my nerve up and to find the right time to ask him about this. When I did he said I was crazy, that there was only the one. Shortly after that he came home with like a box of 40 and has insisted on us using one every time since. He knows where I'm at every second of the day so he can't be thinking that I'm cheating and he's being safe. Does this behavior absolutely mean that he is cheating? Edited February 12, 2010 by someday.
reboot Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Absolutely? No. Probably? Yes. Time to start snooping.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Your husband uses condoms so that he does not get a venereal disease or have unwanted pregnancies with an other woman(en). He uses them with you because he may suspect he has a venereal disease. Either that, or he is trying to throw you off and confuse you even more. Him calling you 'crazy' and insisting on there only having been one condom when you know you found a pack is a very common thing that cheaters do in order to deflect. It is called 'gaslighting'. Honestly? I'd go get myself checked out. Thoroughly. I'd make him do the same. He will go nuclear, but liars generally do when you catch them in a corner with no way out.
alphamale Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Does this behavior absolutely mean that he is cheating? no it just means hes weird
freestyle Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Your husband uses condoms so that he does not get a venereal disease or have unwanted pregnancies with an other woman(en). He uses them with you because he may suspect he has a venereal disease. Either that, or he is trying to throw you off and confuse you even more. Him calling you 'crazy' and insisting on there only having been one condom when you know you found a pack is a very common thing that cheaters do in order to deflect. It is called 'gaslighting'. Honestly? I'd go get myself checked out. Thoroughly. I'd make him do the same. He will go nuclear, but liars generally do when you catch them in a corner with no way out. Sychronicity at work today....LB mentioned "gaslighting" .There's a really interesting thread going as we speak in The OW/OM forum. There's a couple of links I posted in the thread to sites that describe gaslighting. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=221053
Art_Critic Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Who puts their condoms in their boots ? It sounds like something someone was trying to hide a condom so the boot owner didn't find it .. Should you keep an eye out and look into it.. sure.. but it doesn't really mean he is cheating..unless the condom is his..
ForumFool Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 I am sorry but I would bet he is cheating....He never needed rubbers before with you..nor had to hide them in the car or boots...cheater.....run don't walk to a lawyer...I also agree he is gaslighting you
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 I say (for now) back off and let it go (in his eyes) and go on as all is okay. Watch him though. And if need be, hire a PI or ask a trusted friend to follow him. Once you know for sure what exactly he's up to, then talk to him. His reaction, getting angry and making it seem like you're the crazy one is the WRONG kind of reaction. That's called gaslighting, turning it on you to deflect what HE is doing. To make you question yourself, make you wonder if you are just being paranoid. YOU ARE NOT being paranoid, nor are you crazy! He has condoms with him, and this isn't the first time, this goes way back. Listen to your gut! It certainly seems like from what you've said so far, there are red flags.
BB07 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 I could buy his story about the trip with the guys until the part about him suddenly wanting to use one with you.....and now insisting that you use one every time. Something very fishy with that. If I were you, I'd be very concerned that he has caught a STD. I'd be suspicious that it might be herpes. Just in case you didn't know, there is no cure for herpes. If I were you, I'd very discretely start snooping, cell phone, phone, email. I'd also be very reluctant to have sex with him because he still is putting you at risk if he has an STD, especially herpes. If you find any evidence, I would then confront him with it and insist that you both get a clean bill of health in the STD dept. Don't put yourself at risk. I know you are worried and upset by his behavior, I do hope it's all a misunderstanding.
White Flower Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Yeah, he doesn't want to catch anything but if he has already he doesn't want to infect you either. Sad, but in his mind he is trying to protect you even though he has betrayed you. Get checked out thoroughly and make him too. He will go ballistic but remember, a cornered liar will lie to the bitter end. The test results will tell you the truth and if he's clean you can tell him you're sorry for doubting him. My guess is that your hunch is right though.
reservoirdog1 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 We have been together for 18 years (married for 16) and we have never used condoms. That is until recently. About four months ago while we were in the middle of being intimate he stopped and said "wait I've got a condom in the truck, let me go get it". I flipped!!!! I asked him what the heck he had one in his truck for Umm... the above bit tells you everything you need to know. 18 years of unprotected sex within a committed relationship, and he SUDDENLY wants to use a condom? WTF? THAT would be the first question... why he happens to have one in his truck is the second one. He's cheating on you. No doubt about it.
Angel1111 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 I agree that he's most likely cheating and I also agree that you should stop having sex with him until you know for sure that he doesn't have anything. It would be bad enough to find out he's cheating, but to get an infection that haunts you for the rest of your life would be pure misery. You need to get answers.
stuckinoz Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Needless to say the next day I was compelled to look in the truck. I found a pack of condoms tucked in behind the some other items in the door. Why didn't you Confiscate the BOX of condoms & show them to him when he claimed there was only ONE? That way you don't look like you're pointing a finger at him without back up proof. That's not to say that you should always need proof. BUT It Sure As Hell Does Help Don't you think that would have been the smartest thing to do? I'm curious why you didn't do that. My advice to you - Keep checking the truck. Next time you find condoms in the truck - TAKE THEM. ASK HIM about them.
stampdaddy Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Who puts their condoms in their boots ? those who wanna play "safe footsies"???
Jeff1962 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 I could buy the whole jockularity story. Guy's are guys. No matter our age we DO, do stuff like this at times because WE think it's funny as hell. Now, for the rest of the story. I'd be willing to bet that is is cheating on you. I know this is kind of mean but I would refuse ALL sexual contact with him. And then I would look for his condoms and poke a hole in everyone with a very small syrenge. I would also start looking for a good lawyer.
stampdaddy Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 (edited) OK, seriously now.. What would stop you from doing what everybody else does: INVESTIGATE? I mean, dude gets home from work and you have a nice cooked meal on the table.. Better yet, Sunday is Valentines Day. Dote on him, make it a SPECIAL day, cook a nice beautiful dinner, HIS FAVORITE, and then in the middle of dinner, ask him point blank, with a loving smile on your face of course, "honey, are you having an affair? Are you CHEATING ON ME??" and sit back and watch his reactions. DO NOT GIVE IN!!!! Tell him you think he is. ASK HIM TO SEE HIS CELL PHONE right then and there. not later, not tomorrow, RIGHT FRICKEN NOW! Sit in front of him and look through his contacts. Look through his calls, coming and going. Have a pad of paper handy and write down EVERY ONE of them that look suspicious. Ask him how his dinner is (or why he aint eating it) and then look through his text messages. Look for contact names that have just a letter, like "A" or that just look funny. IF some look funny, as him if he is ready for dessert and then start dialing... There is NO WAY in heck he is just buying condoms just to buy them... Something is up (his sex life outside of the marriage) and it aint no good.... Happy Valentines Day, Biatch!! Edited February 12, 2010 by stampdaddy
Angel1111 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Better yet, tomorrow is Valentines Day. Dote on him, make it a SPECIAL day, and then in the middle of dinner, ask him point blank, with a loving smile on your face of course, "honey, are you having an affair? Are you CHEATING ON ME??" and sit back and watch his reactions. Actually, Sunday is Valentine's Day, not tomorrow. I'm not sure I would recommend confronting him about this on that day because it's something that will always be a memory on that day. Whether you stay together or not, I wouldn't want that memory. I would get some facts before confronting him - like phone records, etc. He's going to deny so you need to know before he starts covering his tracks.
stampdaddy Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Actually, Sunday is Valentine's Day, not tomorrow. I'm not sure I would recommend confronting him about this on that day because it's something that will always be a memory on that day. Whether you stay together or not, I wouldn't want that memory. my post says Sunday.... what are you talking about, tommorow???? just kidding, I edited it.. um, is any day a good day if your spouse is cheating on you?? How can Vday be good if she is sitting there thinking about condoms (as in him using with someone else) as they share a bottle of bubbly at the Melting Pot? Maybe he will dunk a rubber into the cheese sauce too.... maybe you are right though..
reboot Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 I agree. Don't confront him without evidence. It will be much harder to get once he knows you're on to him.
stampdaddy Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 I agree. Don't confront him without evidence. It will be much harder to get once he knows you're on to him. ....Stampdaddy stepping outta the room and going back to where he belongs, the Watercooler... CLOP. CLOp. CLop. Clop. clop. creeeeeeeeeeeek. SLAM!
Confused4Now Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 ....Stampdaddy stepping outta the room and going back to where he belongs, the Watercooler... CLOP. CLOp. CLop. Clop. clop. creeeeeeeeeeeek. SLAM!Stampdaddy in the HOUSE...isn't the infidelity forum kinda like the OW/OM forum? Personally I love all your posts!!!!
stampdaddy Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Stampdaddy in the HOUSE...isn't the infidelity forum kinda like the OW/OM forum? Personally I love all your posts!!!! why thank you good man.. Yeah, kinda I guess. I still havent been back to the OM/OW and wont go back. I poke in here every once in a while, like on this thread, to offer what ever experience I may to help a BS see what is REALLY going on.. Obviously, my first attempt failed... lol. so, back to the Cooler I go
reboot Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 ....Stampdaddy stepping outta the room and going back to where he belongs, the Watercooler... Nah. You post wherever you want. You have a lot of wisdom. I just disagree with you this time.
stampdaddy Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Nah. You post wherever you want. You have a lot of wisdom. I just disagree with you this time. well you're stupid then!! you are right, she should have evidence first. See this is the thing we both know (unfortunately): He WILL lie, and she WILL believe him, for now.. My thought at first is just blow him up about it, but you guys are correct, she needs to find out a little more facts, even though we all know what is up. And it aint no good.
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