mikeymad Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 So I had a death in the family (I'm a pallbearer), which really hit hard. Out of habit, I called my W because I was having a hard time after the news. She didn't answer, but texted back that she was sorry, but I should lean on my friends and family, as she can't be my support system anymore, and that if she did I would analyze and misinterpret things. My q is this. Do dumpers say these things just to hurt us, or are they afraid to give us any sort of hope that the situation can get better b/c of pride, scared of their feelings etc?
mimidarlin Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Good question. I guess the intimacy of providing support in such a difficult situation might make them uncomfortable. Probably for all of the reasons you listened. Unless they are just completely frozen and don't give a damn about us any longer.
Author mikeymad Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 walk away spouse-the person who chooses to leave a relationship
Gunny376 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 When my Father died? I told my DD and DS that their Mother was invitied to the funeral as she was the Mother of his only Grandchildren he ever had. It was only right and proper that she should attend. She came and brought DHX3, but showed me proper respect by standing off to side from the main party. I should have gone up and thanked them for that ~ but at the time I was too torn up in my grief! You want to just do the right thing ~ even though its sometimes hard!
Doing it Since '78 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 I find it hard to imagine that they can not feel anything. Of all the time spent sharing intimate details with another person, and just cut off all emotion to a tragic situation like the switch of a light? Maybe I find the thought hard to believe, because thinking that was really the case would be to uncomfortable for me to swallow.
nobmagnet Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 WAW/WAH re-write relationship history to justify there choice and weakness. I beleive they totally convince themselves its reality when it cleary isnt. I actually think her responce was quite sensible. Would you have misenterpreted a hug? would it give you faulse hope? she had a point. Sorry. I am sorry for your loss my freind you must be going through hell. Hugs Nobby xx
Doing it Since '78 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 (edited) WAW/WAH re-write relationship history to justify there choice and weakness. I beleive they totally convince themselves its reality when it cleary isnt. I actually think her responce was quite sensible. Would you have misenterpreted a hug? would it give you faulse hope? she had a point. Sorry. I am sorry for your loss my freind you must be going through hell. Hugs Nobby xx Now my question is, imagine the roles were reversed and the WAS had a tragic event, I can all but guarantee at some point they would come crawling back for the emotional support if it was not being shared anywhere else, and then what? I guess the answer should be obvious: get it and leave again once they got their fix, it is such a pessimistic view to have about someone, but I guess it is what it is. Being a caring person, it would be hard as hell to not support ANYONE you once cared about through that type of experience, so I guess all you can hope is that if that were to ever happen, all you can do is offer the same response Edited February 12, 2010 by Doing it Since '78
scatterd Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Like the ole saying knock them when their already down.
Author mikeymad Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 Of course I would help if she experienced an event like that. Unfortunately, this is the first death I've experienced close to me, and when she had deaths in her family previously, as I didn't know how to handle the situation, it was awkward for me (plus I hate the whole hospital/hooked up to tubes environment). I think part of her is giving me the "you didn't support me like I thought you should when I went through this, so get through this on your own" treatment. Nobby, I'm sure I would have misinterpreted it, even though my brain knew otherwise. Some actual human contact would be nice.
floridapad Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 WAW/WAH re-write relationship history to justify there choice and weakness. I beleive they totally convince themselves its reality when it cleary isnt. I actually think her responce was quite sensible. Would you have misenterpreted a hug? would it give you faulse hope? she had a point. Sorry. I am sorry for your loss my freind you must be going through hell. Hugs Nobby xx Gotta agree with Nobby on this. I'm not sure you are willing to accept that your wife is done. She is right. She doesn't want you to misinterpret anything which you likely would or at the very least slow your process of letting go of her. She is telling you she wants you to let go but your not listening. Sorry for your loss. The timing truly does suck. Mike, I highly suggest you go to a Divorce Care group for additional support. It will help you understand things better. It helped me alot. Look them up at the local community churches.
Author mikeymad Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 (edited) I am learning to let go and be ok with either outcome, and her coldness in a sense is making it easier for me. I am just going through a lot, with her, the business, and now death. Seems like every decision I make is a potentially life altering one, thus the waffling on a lot of things, because a lot of them are the issues intertwined in each other, and it's hard to separate them. Some things may be extremely hard to do now, but easier later, and vice versa. It's just figuring out if/how much I can do on the hard spectrum right now. Like your post in another thread FP, I just want to make sure that I am doing the things that I need to to make sure that I can walk away with my head held high and that I won't regret not trying my hardest to make this work so in a year or 5 I won't look back with regret. BTW-valentine, sent, recieved, no word about it. Edited February 12, 2010 by mikeymad
mimidarlin Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 Mikeymad, It is so hard to lose someone close to us when we are grieving the death of our marriage as well. I understand about not liking tubes/hospital thing. I hate it. I had to go through it so much this year with so many family members. Who knows what your ex is thinking. It may be ....this is what you get and she may not want to complicate things more. What you need to remember is that when someone you care about needs a shoulder in the future that you be there for them. Despite the tubes and hospital things. I start to have a panic attack when I walk in a hospital because of all the negative memories but I tough it out for those that I love.
FeelingLonely98 Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 BTW-valentine, sent, recieved, no word about it. mm - Sorry for your loss ... That being said why did you send a Valentine? She apparently is giving you signals she wants no part of the relationship. (I didn't read you story - sorry - so I'm not sure how long you've been apart. your current status, ...) Back to your original question - the title in your thread - I think it is more that they don't care. The caring was minimized enough for her to walk-away, so unless something's changed, she probably still doesn't care. Also, agree with Nob and FP, she also doesn't want it to look like she cares either. Just by showing up it might seem there is something there ...
stillafool Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 My q is this. Do dumpers say these things just to hurt us, or are they afraid to give us any sort of hope that the situation can get better b/c of pride, scared of their feelings etc? I don't think she was trying to hurt you but she is right. It is best to lean on your friends and family during your grief. I can understand her thinking that you might misinterpret her intentions if she gets involved. Plus, she may be involved with another man by now and he probably wouldn't like her comforting you.
Author mikeymad Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 FL married for 1.5, separated for 2 mo. the valentine was in a sense a "180" for me, as I didn't show affection or appreciation as much as i should have.
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