mimidarlin Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 So my husband and I are legally separated. We decided to do this to protect our financial interests. It benefits me at this point but it may protect/benefit him in the future. We are trying to avoid astronomical legal fees so there are several things that we are doing ourselves. There are several stipulations that I put into this separation agreement but he has been dragging his feet. I don't want to be a nagging b**** but sometimes he paints me into that corner. I have tried to be patient and understanding. He is working like a dog...he has a lot of responsibilities. It has been three weeks and he hasn't made any attempt to get these technical things done. So...I just warned him that if he continues this behavior it will result in things being ugly. How so he asked... Well...I can ask the lawyer to take care of all this. File court orders if necessary. I am sick of asking and asking. I get angry and frustrated. I hate this feeling. I hate that he responds when I am annoyed or angry but files it away as unimportant if I ask nicely. If the lawyer has to do the work then it will run up legal fees and I will sue his @$$ for the cost. So for those out there on either end of a settlement. Isn't it worth being respectful of your STBX or SO that you separated from in order to avoid undue stress and fees for both you?
mikeymad Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 (edited) Don't threaten him. So far your threats mean nothing to him and will probably cause him to lash back out if you keep bothering him. Here's what you might consider doing: Get a time to talk, and ask him for a deadline when he can say it will be done. If it is too far out for you, ask him "is that the soonest you can get it done?" and be quiet. He will either give you an earlier date or say that is the earliest. If he tries to ask you a question or change subjects, don't budge. When he gives you an answer, state back to him, "So you're saying that you will have these things done by ______ correct? Anything other than "yes" is unacceptable at this point, so keep pushing till you hear it. After that, you need to act "as if" -that he is going to keep his promise. You can say, "Good. I know you're a man of your word and I can count on you to get these things done. Thank you." This puts the ball in his court and he has painted HIMSELF in a corner, because no one likes to go against his word when someone has built them up to keep it.You are now holding him accountable for his actions, which he promised to you. If the date comes and goes, by all means get a lawyer. He broke his word, and he can't say anything about it. Edited February 11, 2010 by mikeymad
Author mimidarlin Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 Mikey, He broke his word by cheating on me. It was between an emotional affair that had become physical though not sexual. It was on it's way to that and he said that he wanted to have sex with her. My trust in him and his word isn't very strong. That said...I think that he is trustworthy in general. Think being key I did ask him for a firm date...won't give one. I asked if he would promise to take action. No...won't promise because if he forgets it would be breaking his promise. So you were right that he doesn't want to go against his word. Maybe my comments seemed threatening to him. I was trying to give him a reality check. I don't appreciate being put in this position...I don't like how it makes me feel. I would rather have the lawyer take care of things than have to deal with harassing him myself. I'm having anxiety attacks and it gets my adrenaline going. It isn't a nice feeling really. I would like to be able to approach this in as calm a manner as possible. None of this is fun for me. Reconciliation would be my preference but I won't let myself be taken advantage of either. He has taken so many things for granted. I deserve respect and consideration. As a human being and as someone who dedicated 14 years of her life to him.
mikeymad Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 I did ask him for a firm date...won't give one. I asked if he would promise to take action. No...won't promise because if he forgets it would be breaking his promise. So you were right that he doesn't want to go against his word. Well he is looking to prolong it as long as he can, because he won't commit to anything, under the guise of "he doesn't want to look bad". In that case you can tell him that by doing nothing, that is still showing you something about his character. That he is being cowardly. Tell him that if he won't make a promise, then you will. YOU set a date in the future and tell him, since he won't make a promise, you will. If by that date he hasn't taken action, you PROMISE you will. It's then up to him if he wants to act or not. You have a date, whether he made it or not, he needs to follow the line in the sand drawn.
Author mimidarlin Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 Mikey, Thanks. It is difficult to draw that line in the sand when we are on the fence. We're going to counseling but discussing possible settlement issues at the same time. It's confusing our therapist as well. I refuse to be a doormat or concede issues just for the sake of keeping the peace. I think compromise is necessary during marriage but now I am facing the real possibility of divorce and I won't compromise. I get the feeling that he is falling into the habit of expecting me to play a character in our relationship. I ask...I ask...I remind....I get angry...same role over and over. I do the research...the leg work...etc. I refuse to play this role any longer. If he can't be expected to keep his word or work in good faith then I will take other measures. I He's relied on me to remind of things throughout our marriage. That relationship is in question and I won't be taken advantage of any longer. I think the issue for me is making that line clear from the first request. Give a date and expect action to be taken. I don't want to deal with the BS any longer.
Author mimidarlin Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 Damn...just requested that he put me on the title of his car. I told him that I wanted action taken on this by next Wednesday. This is per the separation agreement. His response. I will do it when it is necessary.
Butterflair Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 I pretty much handled mine with the lawyer, he said he didn't need a lawyer and to write it up and he's sign it and he did. That was over 2 months ago however now he seems to have some regrets, think he can get spousal support but he can't, done deal. The separation agreement was made into a court order with a time limit so all items had to be done by 3 months or it's contempt. One of the perks of the lawyer. If you can afford one, I'd go that right.
Author mimidarlin Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 I have a lawyer and have paid the retaining fee. She filed the separation agreement but I discussed the details with him before I went to her. I though we were trying to cut down on the amount of legal hours she was spending. We had discussed splitting the legal fees. I just told him if he can't communicate and follow through on agreements then I will have the lawyer handle it. In addition I said I would sue for the legal fees as I am the only paying any at the moment. His comment...well we're still married. Suddenly I wondered if he was having second thoughts. I don't know...anyway I am making it clear that I will protect my financial interests. I will take Mikey's advice and give a date/deadline. I have been very reasonable in my expectations. Man...this stuff is a mess.
mikeymad Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Just remember, as you are on the fence, so he is acting that way too. This just makes him think, and choose a side. Yes it may be yours, but it may not. At least you aren't in limbo land, which is the worst place to be. If he isn't giving any indication of where you are or where you are heading, he is probably expecting things to just go back to where they are. This is for you sanity. For your good. For your self worth. Just remember that. Preservation is the ultimate when someone else doesn't care for your well-being.
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