Butterflying Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I've known this guy for a month. We've only been out on one date, our first date in which he was very affectionate towards the end of the date. We met at a restaurant. He had valet parked his car. I didn't. So he drove me to my car in the next lot over. We hugged and I thought that was the end, but he wanted a kiss too. I didn't. I liked him a lot. I mean a looooooooot. But it takes me a short while to get comfortable enough to kiss someone. He was offended by that. Since then, he hasn't asked me out on anymore dates. I called him and he invited me over to his house to play a board game. I went. And I ended up pushing him away again because he wanted to cuddle and kiss instead of play the game. He told me that by not showing him affection, I am being self centered. I explained that I would like to know him better before getting intimate. He told me I was being childish because kissing doesn't always lead to sex. He needs to feel some type of physical stimulation in order to remain interested in me. So I'm wondering, have I blown it with this guy. He is not the first man to dump me when I don't get physical right away. So maybe I need to change my perspective in order to get and keep a man. Am I wrong for following my emotions and wanting to feel comfortable before kissing and intimacy with men? Am I self centered, childish?
bayouboi Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I don't think you're childish or self-centered, in fact I think him calling you childish for the way you handled it was the one being childish. All it means is that your pace/style isn't compatible with theirs. Move on if you're not comfortable with the way they try to progress with you.
Author Butterflying Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 If I didn't like every other aspect of this man, I wouldn't even bother to ask these questions. He is the closest to my ideal man in every other way. I'd hate to lose him over my inability to get intimate right away. I can see intimacy with him at some point. Just not right now. I need more time to make sure that he really is the right man for me. I don't know... this is just so difficult.
greatgirlfriend Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 You were right. Many women make the mistake that if they get so intimate right away it will make the relationship strong. In reality it won't.
A O Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 So I'm wondering, have I blown it with this guy I would've thought he would have blown it with you rather than the other way around. Offended on the first date - c'mon! So maybe I need to change my perspective in order to get and keep a man. Nope, plenty of men will respect your wishes on the first couple date. It's only a little further down the line where a guy should truly reassess the situation. He is the closest to my ideal man in every other way. I'd hate to lose him over my inability to get intimate right away. Crikey - stop thinking this is your problem!! I can see intimacy with him at some point. Just not right now. I need more time to make sure that he really is the right man for me. If you get a chance to mention this then do. If they don't give you the chance or if they're not interested in listening then they're not right for you....or anyone for that matter (as far as relationships go). .
soulm8 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Are the two of you looking for the same thing? It's clear you are seeking a relationship, but he's coming across as wanting to get laid. He's not respecting you by putting you down. I'd tell him that if he can't respect your need to get to know him that you can't see him any more (and then stick to that).
carhill Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 OP, his reactions were just immature. A mature man smiles and is sure of himself and doesn't question or criticize you. He asks you out on another date, using the lost kiss in a flirty way. Find another man.
Author Butterflying Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 Are the two of you looking for the same thing? It's clear you are seeking a relationship, but he's coming across as wanting to get laid. That's the thing. I'm not a religious person. But I respect other people's religions. This guy is a Christian. He even said grace before our meal, at the restaurant in front of all those other people. I just bowed my head and went along with it. I'm used to it because I have other Christian friends, and some relatives. It's okay with me. Based upon his religious beliefs, I am appauled by the thought of him losing interest in me over my not wanting to get intimate right away. Acutally, the Christian Bible teaches that you shouldn't have sex before marriage. I thought he would appreciate me more for my decision to wait (though not until marriage, just to know him better). Instead he hasn't contacted me at all since we had that conversation about "waiting" to know each other better. I called him yesterday and he invited me over to his place. He didn't want to go out. I didn't go because I knew I would end up pushing him away again. So he was like, "suit yourself, goodbye."
soulm8 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 (edited) He's a player in every sense of the word. I doubt very much he was Christian. I'm not religious either, but I have values! NEXT! Don't even think about him... Edited February 11, 2010 by soulm8
A O Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Based upon his religious beliefs, I am appauled by the thought of him losing interest in me over my not wanting to get intimate right away. Don't be - he's human first and foremost. Christians aren't perfect. He's a player in every sense of the word. I don't think he spun enough 'BS' to qualify as this. .
Awesome Username Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 A lot of guys will manipulate and say anything to push you faster than you want to go. Blow this sucker off if he refuses to go along with your wishes gracefully.
bac Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 you never know before you try. if you like him a lot, try to do what he wants inspite of your attitude. i know that it feels so so terrible but it is worth a try. then continue do what he wants at some reasonable degree. finally, you will see the outcome of the dating situation. if the outcome is great, you were wrong at the begining. if the oucome is bad, you were right at the begining.
engravefeelthevoid Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 If u really liked him on the first date then u shudve kissed him goodbye.......but its okay u have values and thats ur right he shud respect those....such men are insecure about themselves...he is a player...he wants to get physical asap with you that his pride was hurt when u resisted........had he been a serious man who wants u for who u are and not what u have to offer physically...he wudve said its alright and done the whatever it takes to get u on another date....... this is how a player thinks....if theres no physical use in you then he wont waste his time on you... However... I might be wrong....remember that kissing and cuddling are very emotional....when he said that kissing doesnt always lead to sex he was correct....getting intimate might make u two feel safe....I suggest u give it a try but slowly...kiss first and see how it goes.....if he's still powey or angry at ur decisions then move on....
sxyNYCcpl Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Since then, he hasn't asked me out on anymore dates. Disclaimer: I don't know your guy, nor what is in his head. I offer this advice for exactly what you have paid for it. In all likelihood, I would not seek a second date with a woman who turned down the offer to be intimate on the first. I desire a woman who is in touch with her own sexuality, knows what she wants, and is not afraid to go and get it. Such a woman would not turn down sex, even if she saw no future with the relationship. As I said, YMMV, and I might be on the fringe. But I don't think I am. If a woman is okay with the idea of being celibate, even for a single evening, just out of principal, I have no desire to be with her, because she will without doubt expect me to be celibate for years to come. Fortunately, my wife is not such a creature. I adore her, not just for her sexuality, but for everything she is to me.
Barky Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 But it takes me a short while to get comfortable enough to kiss someone. He was offended by that. Since then, he hasn't asked me out on anymore dates. I called him and he invited me over to his house to play a board game. I went. And I ended up pushing him away again because he wanted to cuddle and kiss instead of play the game. I can't say whether you're "childish," but these days half the women are playing hard to get and half the women are "giving it up," and quick. Guess which ones are staying home alone?
engravefeelthevoid Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Disclaimer: I don't know your guy, nor what is in his head. I offer this advice for exactly what you have paid for it. In all likelihood, I would not seek a second date with a woman who turned down the offer to be intimate on the first. I desire a woman who is in touch with her own sexuality, knows what she wants, and is not afraid to go and get it. Such a woman would not turn down sex, even if she saw no future with the relationship. As I said, YMMV, and I might be on the fringe. But I don't think I am. If a woman is okay with the idea of being celibate, even for a single evening, just out of principal, I have no desire to be with her, because she will without doubt expect me to be celibate for years to come. Fortunately, my wife is not such a creature. I adore her, not just for her sexuality, but for everything she is to me. So it's ok for him to use her is that what ur saying ? If its not okay for her to get sexual with a guy she just dated then I think it's okay...it's how he deals with it that matters...he assumed that she is not in comfortable with her sexuality because that's what he's looking for...SEX only...he didn't show intrest in her personality and in her as a woman thus he disqualified himself from being a potential husband or boyfriend
soulm8 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 he didn't show interest in her personality and in her as a woman thus he disqualified himself from being a potential husband or boyfriend Excellent point! It's so easy to overlook the obvious when we're wanting to qualify someone.
Chitowngirl Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 No,it took my ex-fiance 4 dates until he even held my hand. He liked me so much he was afraid to come off too strong and scare me away. I had to make the first move. It was sweet. I've known this guy for a month. We've only been out on one date, our first date in which he was very affectionate towards the end of the date. We met at a restaurant. He had valet parked his car. I didn't. So he drove me to my car in the next lot over. We hugged and I thought that was the end, but he wanted a kiss too. I didn't. I liked him a lot. I mean a looooooooot. But it takes me a short while to get comfortable enough to kiss someone. He was offended by that. Since then, he hasn't asked me out on anymore dates. I called him and he invited me over to his house to play a board game. I went. And I ended up pushing him away again because he wanted to cuddle and kiss instead of play the game. He told me that by not showing him affection, I am being self centered. I explained that I would like to know him better before getting intimate. He told me I was being childish because kissing doesn't always lead to sex. He needs to feel some type of physical stimulation in order to remain interested in me. So I'm wondering, have I blown it with this guy. He is not the first man to dump me when I don't get physical right away. So maybe I need to change my perspective in order to get and keep a man. Am I wrong for following my emotions and wanting to feel comfortable before kissing and intimacy with men? Am I self centered, childish?
txsilkysmoothe Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 I think a man is reasonable to expect a "kiss" by the end of a second date, but would he have been satisfied with that? I don't think so and the fact that he seems to only want you to come to his home is a red flag. As for him saying grace, it could just be a learned behavior and not an indication that he has deep Christian beliefs. I think you hurt his ego by refusing his advances and his behavior since has been him "punishing" you for it. He knows you like him and thinks you will come crawling into his bed if he keeps treating you badly. Even if you had been intimate, there's a good chance he wouldn't be calling. Have you thought about that? If you still believe he is ideal, try this - ask him to go out to dinner in public (you pay) and that the evening will end with a kiss. Tell him you still believe you need to know him better to go further than kissing. If he is interested in you, he should accept. If sex is all he wants, he'll refuse.
bayouboi Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 It could have been worse, he could have been a nice guy and you wouldn't have had the drama to post a thread about.
homersheineken Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 Honestly, if by the 2nd date a girl didn't want to kiss, I wouldn't be interested anymore.
soulm8 Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 Honestly, if by the 2nd date a girl didn't want to kiss, I wouldn't be interested anymore. Isn't that the point of dating? Why continue dating (that person) if you don't wanna kiss?! Some guys can be really confusing... they'll keep asking you out and not make a move! If a guy hasn't kissed me by the second date or at least told me he wants to kiss me, I'm expecting a kiss the next time... or NEXT
homersheineken Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 Isn't that the point of dating? Why continue dating (that person) if you don't wanna kiss?! Some guys can be really confusing... they'll keep asking you out and not make a move! If a guy hasn't kissed me by the second date or at least told me he wants to kiss me, I'm expecting a kiss the next time... or NEXT Exactly, sometimes I really do think dating confusion is manufactured. It goes back to the passivity thing again.
sagetalk Posted February 13, 2010 Posted February 13, 2010 If I didn't like every other aspect of this man, I wouldn't even bother to ask these questions. He is the closest to my ideal man in every other way. I'd hate to lose him over my inability to get intimate right away. I can see intimacy with him at some point. Just not right now. I need more time to make sure that he really is the right man for me. I don't know... this is just so difficult. This guy is a classic loser. He wants you to get physical with him quickly so he can go on auto pilot. Once a guy has sex with a girl, he knows he doesn't have to try nearly as hard anymore. Make him earn it, if you give it away you do nothing but lower your value.
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