xpaperxcutx Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I came across the January issue of Cosmo ( haha, yeah...) and there was an article by an author about exes getting married after breaking up with her. I feel like like I can fully relate with her simply because MY ex from 2 years ago married the girl he dated after me. It really got me thinking... am I not relationship material? Or do I just have really bad luck? The author says that she went on to ask her therapist about her problems and the solution was that when she was in a relationship, she usually puts in alot of effort to " prim" her boyfriends to be relationship/ marriage ready. Hence, when breakup time occurs, the guy actually took the changes they went through from the last relationship and apply them to new ones, which in turn makes them " ready to settle down". I think I can totally understand that. When I met my ex, he was at the crossroad of his life, unable to find answers to his future. Then BOOM! I suddenly encourage him to go to college, find a job, break up with him, and now he's with a sweet girl. Maybe I need to stop seeking for " troubled" men and look for the ones that doesn't need " fixing". What are your opinions on this?
greatgirlfriend Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I saw the article and am kind of mixed on it. I do know several women who "fixed" a troubled guy and married him. I know in other cases where she couldn't help him and they broke up. I think in many cases the woman comes along right before he's ready to marry but not quite there. Having said that, I think guys in general have girls they think are marriage material and others are just girlfriends. I know my last boyfriend married the girl he dated after me, but I broke up with him (we are still friends)
Author xpaperxcutx Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 I saw the article and am kind of mixed on it. I do know several women who "fixed" a troubled guy and married him. I know in other cases where she couldn't help him and they broke up. I think in many cases the woman comes along right before he's ready to marry but not quite there. Having said that, I think guys in general have girls they think are marriage material and others are just girlfriends. I know my last boyfriend married the girl he dated after me, but I broke up with him (we are still friends) Some girls ( like myself) enter a relationship and unconsciously try to " fix" certain habits of the guy that they find annoying. I remember when I was with my ex, I made him to be more organized as a person. I talked with him alot about his future and what he wanted to, and secretly I thought to myself, yeah I'm going to make him the best bf ever. I also know some guys that can " compartmentalize the types of girls they want. Yes, they do view girls as " marriage" and " dating" material. So that they easily bed the "easy" girls but take their time wooing the " marriage" types.
greatgirlfriend Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Some girls ( like myself) enter a relationship and unconsciously try to " fix" certain habits of the guy that they find annoying. I remember when I was with my ex, I made him to be more organized as a person. I talked with him alot about his future and what he wanted to, and secretly I thought to myself, yeah I'm going to make him the best bf ever. I also know some guys that can " compartmentalize the types of girls they want. Yes, they do view girls as " marriage" and " dating" material. So that they easily bed the "easy" girls but take their time wooing the " marriage" types. I've gotten to the point where I don't try to fix issues. Right now I am seeing a guy who has issues (mostly his mother pushing him to marry and a fear of gettIng hurt by women) and the best I can do is let him see I am not a hurtful person, nor am I rushing him (he wants to take things slow). It's still early and he could change, but the damage might already be done. I'm done with fixing guys, because everytime I tried it never worked. However, when I hear a guy saying he wants to take his time (like the guy I am seeing) it usually means that they think of the girl as a prospective wife or serious girlfriend. I guess that's why I'm not upset he wants to take his time. Most of the guys I've dated who wanted to rush were usually out for sex and thought of me as a sex partner, not a life partner. I've been told by platonic guy friends (guys I was just friends with) that they usually know when they date whether that girl will be a fling or more.
annxxdisaster Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I'm done with fixing guys, because everytime I tried it never worked. Of course 'fixing' someone doesn't work. You shouldn't be with someone you need to change, you should like them already for who they are. I don't see the point in being with a 'fixer-upper'.
bananaboat11 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I may not be wild and free, but I don't need to be fixed. I have so much going for me.. I'm already a successful graduate student... eating well/healthy.. working out regularly... etc, etc... why do girls want to fix a guy?
Silver_star Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I dont want to have to fix a guy. Presumably im with a guy for the right reasons. I think that a mans behavior while single and a mans behavior while in a relationship is different and i think its the mans doing but it is done out of passion for his significant other his own desire to be the best guy for her and to have her trust, respect and honor him as she does to him.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 I may not be wild and free, but I don't need to be fixed. I have so much going for me.. I'm already a successful graduate student... eating well/healthy.. working out regularly... etc, etc... why do girls want to fix a guy? B_B, I don't think most girls get into relationships intentionally to " fix" a guy. But there are girls who see faults and unconsciously try to " suggest" a guy to change a certain habit. Maybe that's the thing. If girls can consciously see that most men doesn't need fixing, and the only person that really do are themselves, then they can be more alert to the type of men they attract and are attracted to ( bad boys, guys with issues, etc)
Johnny M Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 The author says that she went on to ask her therapist about her problems and the solution was that when she was in a relationship, she usually puts in alot of effort to " prim" her boyfriends to be relationship/ marriage ready. Hence, when breakup time occurs, the guy actually took the changes they went through from the last relationship and apply them to new ones, which in turn makes them " ready to settle down". This is a perfect example of why most therapists are a total waste of time and money. They tell you what you want to hear, rather than the cold, hard to swallow truth that you need to hear in order to really turn your life around. The statement above is total BS, which is not hard to see if you actually try to think about it critically. If you are so successful at "priming" you boyfriends for marriage, why aren't they marrying you?
Star Gazer Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 My ex who moved away in April 2008 (who I wrote about alot here) got married in October of 2009, to a girl he met when we were still together. He sent me an email 2 weeks before the wedding that I didn't respond to. Three other ex's (that I can think of right now) married a girl they met while dating me. It would have given me a complex if I wasn't secure with myself. Rather than assume that I'm not marriage material, I just thought that I did a good job of preparing them to be a good husband! LOL
Author xpaperxcutx Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 My ex who moved away in April 2008 (who I wrote about alot here) got married in October of 2009, to a girl he met when we were still together. He sent me an email 2 weeks before the wedding that I didn't respond to. Three other ex's (that I can think of right now) married a girl they met while dating me. It would have given me a complex if I wasn't secure with myself. Rather than assume that I'm not marriage material, I just thought that I did a good job of preparing them to be a good husband! LOL LOL S_G. I think having your outlook is amazing. I would think a women who had that many exes marry would get bitter.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 This is a perfect example of why most therapists are a total waste of time and money. They tell you what you want to hear, rather than the cold, hard to swallow truth that you need to hear in order to really turn your life around. The statement above is total BS, which is not hard to see if you actually try to think about it critically. If you are so successful at "priming" you boyfriends for marriage, why aren't they marrying you? I think I omitted the fact that it was the author that broke up with the ex. From my experience when I was with my " ex" I had gotten impatient with his childishness and his lethargy about being more proactive with his life. In my case, I had suddenly turned into his mother rather than his gf. I think overall, I didn't feel like he had contributed or can contribute to a healthy relationship and that's why I broke things.
Star Gazer Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 LOL S_G. I think having your outlook is amazing. I would think a women who had that many exes marry would get bitter. Well, perhaps I came close. I did think "hmm, the only common denominator here is ME, so WTF is wrong with ME?!?!?!" When I thought about it, I realized it wasn't who I am, what I do, what I look like, etc., it was my choices...in men. So I made a conscious decision to pick a better guy. One who didn't have "potential" to be a great boyfriend/husband, or one who "if I just loved enough/was enough, would love me back," but rather, one who I KNEW in my core was a real, quality man, who would appreciate ME. And I did, and now look where I am... :love:
laRubiaBonita Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 *Hopefully* the relationship does cause great changes in the ex, and consequentially makes them a better person. what if the ex/ or us cannot notice the changes because we are already used to seeing the bad annoying things? maybe the next new relationship is the when the ex uses the "better qualities" they have learned on the new person- since it's a new relationship, the person totally adores and appreciates the him. for whatever reason the you and the ex were not meant to be, let it go, move on- do not dwell and let it make you bitter. i wish my exes the best in life- and i do wish them happiness and love. i was in love with these men and not for nothing. i would hope they wish the same for me too. it may take a while to feel that way about some ex's, but eventually i do... and if anything, take it as a compliment that whatever it was you made him marriage material!
greatgirlfriend Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Of course 'fixing' someone doesn't work. You shouldn't be with someone you need to change, you should like them already for who they are. I don't see the point in being with a 'fixer-upper'. Because women are taught from an early age they can change someone's fault. Not true. I have faults but would be angry if a guy tried to fix them (and I've had a few guys try). Personally if I don't like something about the guy I either accept it or move on. In the case of the guy I am seeing, I am giving him space and not rushing him. This is something that has to change if we are to get serious. If he doesn't want it to change (and he told me he does) then it won't change and I move on with my life. I know women who've tried to change men by getting them into fluffy movies, and out of video games. I think this is stupid (besides I like video games and hate fluffy movies).
Author xpaperxcutx Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 Well, perhaps I came close. I did think "hmm, the only common denominator here is ME, so WTF is wrong with ME?!?!?!" When I thought about it, I realized it wasn't who I am, what I do, what I look like, etc., it was my choices...in men. So I made a conscious decision to pick a better guy. One who didn't have "potential" to be a great boyfriend/husband, or one who "if I just loved enough/was enough, would love me back," but rather, one who I KNEW in my core was a real, quality man, who would appreciate ME. And I did, and now look where I am... :love: S_G, I think you fully summarized my whole point. When I read the article, that was the kind of revelation that came to me. I reevaluated the kind of men I've dated these last 2 years and they all share certain qualities that I overlooked- emotional unavailability, baggage, etc. The only person I can fix is myself, I have baggage that I have to remove before I can clearly seek a man with real quality.
Crazy Magnet Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Well, perhaps I came close. I did think "hmm, the only common denominator here is ME, so WTF is wrong with ME?!?!?!" When I thought about it, I realized it wasn't who I am, what I do, what I look like, etc., it was my choices...in men. So I made a conscious decision to pick a better guy. One who didn't have "potential" to be a great boyfriend/husband, or one who "if I just loved enough/was enough, would love me back," but rather, one who I KNEW in my core was a real, quality man, who would appreciate ME. And I did, and now look where I am... :love: I got to that exact same point! Every single guy I have dated LT (1.5+ years) married the very next girl! Let's see, I'm up to 1...2...3...4 (the exH, not sure if he counts, but he married the next girl he dated after the D)....and #5 has been living with his current GF and her kid going on 7 or 8 months now. I'm just waiting for that one to happen. Yeah, the only thing in common was me. I was also the one doing all the dumping. All of them brought up marriage to me and I vetoed the option, so yep, that was all me. They wanted to get married at that time in their life, but I didn't. I had to start dating guys more on my wave length in terms of marriage. Now I'm actually ready to start looking for that M minded relationship and I don't bother dating men who aren't thinking the same thing. If I only would have done the opposite years ago!
greatgirlfriend Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 S_G, I think you fully summarized my whole point. When I read the article, that was the kind of revelation that came to me. I reevaluated the kind of men I've dated these last 2 years and they all share certain qualities that I overlooked- emotional unavailability, baggage, etc. The only person I can fix is myself, I have baggage that I have to remove before I can clearly seek a man with real quality. The one guy I dated who married the girl after,"fixed" me. I had just gotten out of a relationship where the guy was a con artist and only wanted to date me to take my money. He was a pimp on top of this (I dumped him when I found out). My next boyfriend was a nice guy and I had so many issues. I couldn't handle my issues so I split with him (we are still friends). He was patient with me and I overcame my emotional baggage. I had to do it on my own before I could have another relationship. It can be done, but not always.
Johnny M Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I think I omitted the fact that it was the author that broke up with the ex. From my experience when I was with my " ex" I had gotten impatient with his childishness and his lethargy about being more proactive with his life. In my case, I had suddenly turned into his mother rather than his gf. I think overall, I didn't feel like he had contributed or can contribute to a healthy relationship and that's why I broke things. And I was talking about the author and people like her, not you specifically. I should have made that clear. But speaking of your situation, being too motherly certainly makes you "not marriage material" for a lot of men. Granted, some guys, on a subconscious level, actually want their GF/wife to be their second mother....but others have no patience for that sort of thing. I can tell you that if a woman I was seeing tried to turn me into a 'better person', it would kill her chances for a long-term relationship very quickly.
sumdude Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 (edited) It the same thing whether a man or woman. My ex-wife remarried right away to the OM. I know that in our relationship I helped her out of what could have been a somewhat dead end existence. Supported her in so many ways. It's almost like once she was ready she just flew out of the nest. It's hard not to feel used but I'm guess I'm over that now. Edited February 11, 2010 by sumdude
soulm8 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Maybe I need to stop seeking for " troubled" men and look for the ones that doesn't need " fixing". Absolutely! It's funny because my ex's tend to want to try again once they realize what they *had*. Unfortunately there are some who think they need to start fresh with a new girl. Go find yourself a healthy, normal man!
BookerT Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Why even find someone you need to fix? Turn them into someone you no longer need to fix? In which case why not just find someone that doesn't need fixing in the first place? Oh the challenge........
Eeyore79 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 It's kind of like being unable to afford a nice house, so you buy one with potential and fix it up. You might not be able to attract a really amazing guy, so you get a less amazing one and try to fix him up (and hope he doesn't dump you once he's fixed). Alternatively, you may see something in one particular guy that you don't see in other guys. Other guys might be better groomed or more romantic or have better jobs, but your guy might be extremely intelligent, or have really nice eyes or something. So you take him as he is, and try to fix the things you don't like about him, because you can't find those positive things in another guy. What it comes down to is that people are packages: if you swap from one person to another, you gain some things and lose others. For example, if you swap to a handsomer guy instead of grooming up the one you already have, you gain his good looks but perhaps also lose your current guy's sense of humour. If you have an idea of what you want in a guy, you find someone who matches some parts of that and then attempt to improve the parts where he doesn't match. Finding Mr Perfect is impossible; the best you can do is find someone who matches your most important criteria and then try to fix him up in the areas where he's lacking. If you're me, you do a certain amount of fixing and then get bored, date someone else and watch your ex get snapped up by a girl with lower standards who is quite happy with the fixing you've already done. I usually have a time limit for fixing; e.g. if he hasn't sorted out his career in two years then I'll consider dating someone else.
sumdude Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Finding Mr Perfect is impossible; the best you can do is find someone who matches your most important criteria and then try to fix him up in the areas where he's lacking. Far better to find someone who fits your life well and ACCEPT the things that aren't so perfect to you. The idea of fixing someone will only frustrate both people. "Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig." OK the pig reference is not the best but I like the quote.
BookerT Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 It's kind of like being unable to afford a nice house, so you buy one with potential and fix it up. You might not be able to attract a really amazing guy, so you get a less amazing one and try to fix him up (and hope he doesn't dump you once he's fixed). Alternatively, you may see something in one particular guy that you don't see in other guys. Other guys might be better groomed or more romantic or have better jobs, but your guy might be extremely intelligent, or have really nice eyes or something. So you take him as he is, and try to fix the things you don't like about him, because you can't find those positive things in another guy. What it comes down to is that people are packages: if you swap from one person to another, you gain some things and lose others. For example, if you swap to a handsomer guy instead of grooming up the one you already have, you gain his good looks but perhaps also lose your current guy's sense of humour. If you have an idea of what you want in a guy, you find someone who matches some parts of that and then attempt to improve the parts where he doesn't match. Finding Mr Perfect is impossible; the best you can do is find someone who matches your most important criteria and then try to fix him up in the areas where he's lacking. If you're me, you do a certain amount of fixing and then get bored, date someone else and watch your ex get snapped up by a girl with lower standards who is quite happy with the fixing you've already done. I usually have a time limit for fixing; e.g. if he hasn't sorted out his career in two years then I'll consider dating someone else. Sounds like a big justification for "I love a holes" So many women complain they can't find any nice guys out there. But have these women even considered that maybe they're drawn to a holes? Men don't need fixing, some are natural a holes, some are decent. Some women like the confidence only a jerk can create , because it's easy to have that level of confidence when you don't care about someone. Hey it's ok.......if a girl likes a holes, she can go for them. Just don't complain about it. If she gets tired of it then maybe it's time to learn to pick in another way.
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