alg24 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Hi everyone... If you read my other posts I was in a very bad relationship with now exMM... Fooled Once-- you have been an angel for me... Your words, wisdom, advice-- I am beyond thankful. I did slip up in contacting (I mentioned in the other thread) and FO kicked the sense back into me. So now its been 3-4 days of NC since my slip up. I will NOT contact him, but wow its so difficult. Why do I obsess and pin over this man (can we even call him that?) that treated me so badly. I knew it needed to end this way- him hating me- or it would never end. Would I have wanted to continue this throughout the summer into next year? When he was finally divorced..? NO. Wasted my youth on this man? NO. But its so difficult. My therapist gave a reference that I was like a bird in a cage... The cage wasn't that nice-- maybe dirt, little food-- but I was in a sense "comfortable" in it. I need to let myself free.. Get out of that cage and be free... I know it does not matter what MM thinks. But wow does it hurt. 2 years and now he can pretend I don't exist, and just hate me because he can't take account of his own actions. I have been busy... Enjoying life... I have not cried cried in about four days now... Maybe having my moments but getting over myself and the pity very fast. Is it normal to obsess? At night does anyone have insanely real dreams? I sleep right through the night but have very real dreams... Last night I had a dream we were still together... I went to be around 10PM and woke up at 6:30AM with a jump... Not fun... Anyway, I keep telling myself how bad this guy was for me. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and continue forward. But I needed to just vent... Thank you everyone =)
BB07 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 It's good to vent alg24. I'm proud of you and I know FO is going to be also. You are doing good. Hugs.........BB:)
Author alg24 Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 Has anyone ever written a letter? Not a nasty letter, but a letter... For some reason- and I think its bad, but I want to write him a letter... And give it to a friend to give him when I leave... He is blocked from my phone, and who knows if he would even read it. Crazy idea.. Nevermind... Very stupid... Its not because I want him back but I wish I could tell him how I felt. In my situation english was a second language for MM so unless I wrote in spanish it would be hard for him to understand.. i think this is a very stupid idea. nevermind. haha
BB07 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Has anyone ever written a letter? Not a nasty letter, but a letter... For some reason- and I think its bad, but I want to write him a letter... And give it to a friend to give him when I leave... He is blocked from my phone, and who knows if he would even read it. Crazy idea.. Nevermind... Very stupid... Its not because I want him back but I wish I could tell him how I felt. In my situation english was a second language for MM so unless I wrote in spanish it would be hard for him to understand.. i think this is a very stupid idea. nevermind. haha It is a stupid idea, don't do it. You don't want him to have the satisfaction of knowing how you feel or that you hurt. You want him to think that you don't give a damn.........and you have to make that happen and it will. Hold your head up and have pride in yourself, believe that you are better than him and that you deserve better than what you got.
fooled once Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Has anyone ever written a letter? Not a nasty letter, but a letter... For some reason- and I think its bad, but I want to write him a letter... And give it to a friend to give him when I leave... He is blocked from my phone, and who knows if he would even read it. Crazy idea.. Nevermind... Very stupid... Its not because I want him back but I wish I could tell him how I felt. In my situation english was a second language for MM so unless I wrote in spanish it would be hard for him to understand.. i think this is a very stupid idea. nevermind. haha Don't you dare!!!!!! You can write a letter, but don't you DARE have anyone give it to him. Send it to me. I will PM you my email address, but don't you DARE send it to him, 'accidently' email it to him, give it to a friend to give him.... Are you listening to me ???? Keep going - you are doing great! I am so incredibly proud of you. The dreams will stop. The 'need' for him will fade. TIME is what it takes. You can't rush it... you have to just let it fade, IN TIME. Now, are we clear here on sending him anything??? I don't want there to be any loop holes ((hug))
Author alg24 Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 Hey- FO after I wrote that and I left my house I thought of you!!! I was like oh dear, that was such a stupid post!! I would NEVER do that. I will NOT write a letter. It hurts, but I am getting slowly stronger. I actually saw him today in passing-- I kept my head up and looked straight. He had the option of riding his horse two different ways, I only had one ( I was riding back to the barn) and he rode closet to me. He did not look at me really, and I kept going. It wasn't as horrible as I thought. I am struggling but trying to keep strong. Don't worry- I will NOT call. I will NOT text. I will NOT NOT NOT NOT NOTTTT write a letter. xoxoxo
Author alg24 Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 I was in no way implying you should write a letter and give it to him. No way. I was saying to put your feelings on paper/email/this forum/etc but given only to a safe place/person who would NOT give your letter to him. Hey =) I did not think for a second after reading your post to me that you were telling me to write HIM a letter. I thought you were telling me to write a letter BUT do NOT under any condition give it to him... I think writing a letter and getting it all down would be very helpful to ME but never send it to him. He would not be able to truly understand it anyway (unless translated into Spanish) He English is good, but clearly a second language... He never went to school or anything for it.. (Wow I did pick the winner =) And I do not speak or write Spanish) I think with my MM I enjoyed the idea of him/us. In the beginning sexual I never got any crazy sparks.. It was good, but I never had that crazy nervous butterfly feeling... In a sense I knew I was better than him (Sorry but being completely honest) and it was suppose to be fun. Then somewhere down the line I got attached. When I went to visit him in July after not seeing him for a month I thought to myself-- this older guy is who I am so crazy about? But spending a week with him I got sucked in all over again... So I think the idea of someone was what pulled me in. Then its normal to build feelings for someone when you spend so much time together. In the beginning (first year) he was crazy/obsessed with me. Who doesn't love the attention? Then Feb. of last year things started getting tough. April and on all we did was fight. I guess I thought I could fix it, I could make it better. His life was ****, he knew he had been caught so why let go of his fantasy? What hurts me with exMM is just the hatred he shows towards me. I know its good because it needed to end, and honestly for it to truly be over he needed to hate me 100% because I always felt bad/got weak and took him in....But we did have a lot of bad, and good and we shared in both of that. Look what he did to my 21st birthday? In retrospect this whole thing with him finding my phone-- seeing the W and I had contact again, then going to the house, bank etc. is not as screwed up as some of the past things... BUT everything was VERY VERY did I mention very? VERY sick and screwed up... I don't want to be with a crazy, possessive, cheating, manipulative person who treats me like crap. Scared to go to dinner or dancing because we will fight. thanks everyone xoxoxo
Author alg24 Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 Oh, ps- when I wrote that was such a stupid post I meant mine =) (Regarding writing a letter AND sending it)
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