curiousnycgirl Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 So I've been avoiding posting this here, on the off and very improbable chance that my ex checks this site out (he knew I was on LS, and I use the same user name on LS as I had on match where we met) - but I need advice/direction/something!!! A very good friend of my ex's told tales out of school. She had spent over 2 hours on the phone with my ex a little over a week ago (I think) where he poured out his heart that he wanted me back. And that he had spent 3 weeks (at that point) crafting an email to me which he was still working on. I didn't ask her to tell me this, and I didn't want to know details. I really didn't want her to betray his confidence, which of course she already had. Just knowing he didn't hate me (for a fact) made me feel a lot better. Suddenly I could get through a day without bawling my eyes out. Which I considered a very liberating thing. I've also spent a lot of the past week wondering how to proceed if and when this email should arrive. I know that I want to throw my arms wide open and take him back. But the reality is my eyes have been opened a lot during the past 10 weeks of NC and I see very clearly how I allowed myself to become lost in this relationship. I cannot and will not return to how things were. I think I have resolved to take things very slowly and frankly let him work a bit (as I did for 5.5 years) to win me back. An email did arrive today - but not from him. From his best friend who lives across the country, telling us (it was to both of our email adresses) that he will be on the east coast for a few weeks starting this Saturday. Historically this friend of his has stayed at my house when he needs a place to crash in the NY area - and of course he is still welcome. But you can see the position I'm in, can't you? The best friend doesn't know we've broken up. Because the ex hasn't told anyone! So of course I started crying my eyes out yet again. T The questions running through my head are: Should I respond to the friend at all? OMG what is the ex waiting for why hasn't he sent the damn email and started the process? Has he changed his mind and doesn't want to fix things after all? Why hasn't he told anyone? Should I let the friend stay here? So now I am probably back to square 3 (thankfully not all the way back to 1) and need input. PLEASE Sorry this is so long
cdt76 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 You are going through a terrible time. If it were me I would not have anything to do with his friend. That is his world and his problem. Where that guy stays is not your issue. I would not write either of them back. I would tell your girlfriend to stop telling you about him and try to live your life like you want it, though without him. You can't spend your time waiting on something that might never happen. Ignore the email. Don't let the friend stay with you and try your best to not talk about him.
sunrae Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 If you feel the need to respond to your ex's friend email, about him coming out. Then just send him a note that this is no longer his email address, it's yours. No need to explain any further, let your ex do that, it's his friend... No, dont let him crash at your place.. That will be a big no,no... You have to go on with your life as if you dont know anything about him sending you a potential email. He may never send it, then your worring you pretty little head about nothing.
GrayClouds Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I would email his best friend and say politely that you and your Ex is no longer together and suggest he finds other arrangements for his stay, and question his has can be directed to your EX. Short sweet and polite. Read your earlier post. The oners rergarding how you discovered that you were not in a quality realtionship, you were a sugar mommy to him, and you tow did not have really strong comomoalites. Do not let the idea of being wanted cloud the facts you discovered whiel you where healing. As i said it may not even be true. Seconded his Email; It is all speculation right now, he may made it up for her to feel sorry for him and possible get in her draws. Most of the things in the relationship does not seem like things that can be fix. It was more about who he is and he really is not going to change much, specially if he gets comfortable again. The relationship you had is the realtionship you will get, do not kid yourself. He let you solve all his problems and then resented you for it. Unless he has been doing wome really hard, really committed self work on his issues (and frankly it really has not been enough time for him to understand his behavior and learn new coping skills to have made much change) he is comming back because it is easier. He needs you once again to solve his problems...loneliness, horiness, boredom, loss of life style, insecurity. You deserve someone who loves you as an equal not someone to take care of. Besides he walk out once, he will walk out again.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 You are going through a terrible time. If it were me I would not have anything to do with his friend. That is his world and his problem. Where that guy stays is not your issue. I would not write either of them back. I would tell your girlfriend to stop telling you about him and try to live your life like you want it, though without him. You can't spend your time waiting on something that might never happen. Ignore the email. Don't let the friend stay with you and try your best to not talk about him. Thanks cdt that is sort of where I was leaning to. Let him deal with his friend and just stay out of it. The ex himself hasn't sent anything yet, so that bulet I haven't had to deal with (or dodge) yet.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 If you feel the need to respond to your ex's friend email, about him coming out. Then just send him a note that this is no longer his email address, it's yours. No need to explain any further, let your ex do that, it's his friend... No, dont let him crash at your place.. That will be a big no,no... You have to go on with your life as if you dont know anything about him sending you a potential email. He may never send it, then your worring you pretty little head about nothing. Nah don't even think I'm going to even resond, but thanks I truly appreciate the input.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 Read your earlier post. The oners rergarding how you discovered that you were not in a quality realtionship, you were a sugar mommy to him, and you tow did not have really strong comomoalites. Do not let the idea of being wanted cloud the facts you discovered whiel you where healing. As i said it may not even be true. Seconded his Email; It is all speculation right now, he may made it up for her to feel sorry for him and possible get in her draws. Most of the things in the relationship does not seem like things that can be fix. It was more about who he is and he really is not going to change much, specially if he gets comfortable again. The relationship you had is the realtionship you will get, do not kid yourself. He let you solve all his problems and then resented you for it. Unless he has been doing wome really hard, really committed self work on his issues (and frankly it really has not been enough time for him to understand his behavior and learn new coping skills to have made much change) he is comming back because it is easier. He needs you once again to solve his problems...loneliness, horiness, boredom, loss of life style, insecurity. You deserve someone who loves you as an equal not someone to take care of. Besides he walk out once, he will walk out again. You really don't think he could have had an epiphany? I'm not saying I am willing to go back to how it was - but should I not be willing to go back at all? I just miss him so much. Every single day, several times a day something happens and my first thought is always "oh I have to tel ex about it." Then I remember I can't and frankly it hurts. I spent a lot of time thinking about whether I truly loved him or did I love the him I wanted him to become and I have no doubts, I know I love the him that he was - I'm just not terribly enthused with what he turned into. So if I committ to stop being the problem solver and quite the giver I was - is it impossible to consider things between us would improve? Truth is he is not the only one who needs to change - I know I need to as well and I am ready for that. Grayclouds YOU gave me that - you forced me to take a hard look at myself and as you know I didn't find it very attractive. So if I feel ready to go into a relationship differently is is really so hard to think that he might be able to be at the same space? Truth is I've lost a lot less than he has here. EVERYONE who knows us points that one out to me on a regular basis. The only thing I don't have anymore is HIM and boy do I miss that! Isn't it conceivable that the man I fell in love with is there and realizing that he lost something he really wants and is worth working to get back? Finally while I stand by my statement that he pushed me to end the relationship (and therefore passive aggressively ended it) - I have to take responsibility for the fact that i did end it. I maintain that I chose my words very carefully and I know what I said - I told him that I could not take him hurting me the way he was anymore, and he said ok and that was it. But it has been pointed out to me, also by several people, that he probably didn't hear anything after I can't take this anymore. So am I right in guessing that you think I'm stretching here?
Star Gazer Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Should I respond to the friend at all? Yes, tell him what's up. Just because the ex doesn't have the cajones to be honest doesn't mean you have to pretend like everything's sunshine and roses, or ignore him either. OMG what is the ex waiting for why hasn't he sent the damn email and started the process? Has he changed his mind and doesn't want to fix things after all? My thoughts are that he's a coward, and that this email doesn't even exist...yet. I think his friend told you about this so-called email he's drafting to get a sense of how you would respond if he chose to write and send one. But even if he is writing this email, the fact that he's taking so long to write it and send it tells me that he'll NEVER have the courage to put the level of work into a relationship that you need. He's lollygagging, and you deserve someone who's focused on you, and will do whatever it takes. To steal a line from When Harry Met Sally (to paraphrase), "when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start RIGHT NOW." You don't wait, you don't take 3 weeks. Why hasn't he told anyone? Why do you think he hasn't told anyone? He obviously told his friend, who told you about his so-called email. But the answer is obvious: Because he's a DAMN FOOL and he knows it's all his fault. Should I let the friend stay here? Is he YOUR friend? Or more of the ex's friend? If there's any chance the ex would use it as an excuse to have access to you, absolutely not. So now I am probably back to square 3 (thankfully not all the way back to 1) and need input. PLEASE You're not back at square one. You've made a LOT of progress!! You may have taken 1 step backward, but you've taken 10 steps forward. Forward movement, that's all the matter. Keep your eyes focused on the end goal: You, happy. (((HUG)))
Author curiousnycgirl Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 Yes, tell him what's up. Just because the ex doesn't have the cajones to be honest doesn't mean you have to pretend like everything's sunshine and roses, or ignore him either. Don't think I'm going to do this - Just feel it's HIS friend so he can tell him whatever he wants. And that answers another question of your later on - this guy is most definitely HIS friend first, more and everything else. His staying here won't give the ex access to me per se - but it would be hard on me. My thoughts are that he's a coward, and that this email doesn't even exist...yet. I think his friend told you about this so-called email he's drafting to get a sense of how you would respond if he chose to write and send one. Wow I hadn't even thought of this! How High School - he is in his 50's for G-d's sake! But even if he is writing this email, the fact that he's taking so long to write it and send it tells me that he'll NEVER have the courage to put the level of work into a relationship that you need. He's lollygagging, and you deserve someone who's focused on you, and will do whatever it takes. To steal a line from When Harry Met Sally (to paraphrase), "when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start RIGHT NOW." You don't wait, you don't take 3 weeks. Wow I don't remember that line, but damn it's good! And it's true - what a smack in the face! If the monkey was on my back (HBR speak for the ball in my court) I would have jumped right in with both feet to make it right. But the ball is in his court - and he's not moving. WOW. It's the perfect partner to the line from He's Just Not That Into You that says if a man wants to be with you nothing will stop him from making it happen. WTF is wrong with him?! The only answer to that could be that he's just not that into me - AAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH Why do you think he hasn't told anyone? He obviously told his friend, who told you about his so-called email. But the answer is obvious: Because he's a DAMN FOOL and he knows it's all his fault. Yeah that's what one of my friends says. You're not back at square one. You've made a LOT of progress!! You may have taken 1 step backward, but you've taken 10 steps forward. Forward movement, that's all the matter. Keep your eyes focused on the end goal: You, happy. (((HUG))) Thanks Star - so I know I won't answer the friend. Wonder if I will still keep checking for the mythical email. And more important wonder what I'll do if/when it comes. I guess we shall see.
Star Gazer Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Wow I don't remember that line, but damn it's good! And it's true - what a smack in the face! If the monkey was on my back (HBR speak for the ball in my court) I would have jumped right in with both feet to make it right. But the ball is in his court - and he's not moving. WOW. It's the perfect partner to the line from He's Just Not That Into You that says if a man wants to be with you nothing will stop him from making it happen. WTF is wrong with him?! The only answer to that could be that he's just not that into me - AAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH Re-read the quote. Your ex ain't too bright. Maybe he just hasn't "realized" it yet, so "right now" hasn't occurred yet. My only hope is that when he does realize it, you'll already be living happily ever after... because you deserve THE BEST.
GrayClouds Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 (edited) You really don't think he could have had an epiphany? Yes he could have. Though if he truly did I would suspect he be faster then a speeding yellow cab, leaping the Empire building in a single bound, knocking on your door with the power of a run away subway to declare his errors and affection. Epiphanies are great I usually have 2 or 3 a day, and then continue on my way. Epiphanies do not change people, action and hard work does. I'm not saying I am willing to go back to how it was - but should I not be willing to go back at all? All he knows is how it was, so if he wants to come back it is to come back to how it was (sans a few months of reunited afterglow) I just miss him so much. Every single day, several times a day something happens and my first thought is always "oh I have to tel ex about it." Then I remember I can't and frankly it hurts. NCNYCG I know it does and that is why you have worked so hard the last few months. It is not linear but as you know the hurt does get better. And when your ready there will come someone else how will have great ears. I spent a lot of time thinking about whether I truly loved him or did I love the him I wanted him to become and I have no doubts, I know I love the him that he was - I'm just not terribly enthused with what he turned into. What he turn into was himself. So if I commit to stop being the problem solver and quite the giver I was - is it impossible to consider things between us would improve? Truth is he is not the only one who needs to change - I know I need to as well and I am ready for that. Grayclouds YOU gave me that - you forced me to take a hard look at myself and as you know I didn't find it very attractive. So what your asking, if you stop being yourself will things improve? You being problem solver and giver in itself is not a problem (learning boundaries maybe so). The problem is his inability to solve his own problems, to communicate to you when and how he wants your help, and his inablity to see that he help make these strength into a weakness. So if I feel ready to go into a relationship differently is is really so hard to think that he might be able to be at the same space? Question is, is he. More importantly he likely wants to return to the realtionship you had, not the one that includes the improved you. Truth is I've lost a lot less than he has here. EVERYONE who knows us points that one out to me on a regular basis. The only thing I don't have anymore is HIM and boy do I miss that! Isn't it conceivable that the man I fell in love with is there and realizing that he lost something he really wants and is worth working to get back? Yes it is very conceivable. Just as it is because he lost more then you did, he is will say anything to get it back. But words mean little, very very little. Again what action illustrate that his has learn from his mistakes? Is he communicating his fulures to his friend, no hiding from them. He chose to speak to another friend about the email not you, does this not suggest he still has an inability to be direct with his feelings, just as he was indirect because he felt you were emasculating him. He behaved like a wimp toward you ( granted you one of those tuff talking upper east side ny types) and then blamed you for it Has he entered intensive therapy to understand why he behavior like he did and gain new skill to keep him from returning to those patterns? I maintain that I chose my words very carefully and I know what I said - I told him that I could not take him hurting me the way he was anymore, and he said ok and that was it. Again what action has he taken to change, feeling lonely, sad and depressed in itself does not often create change, at best then can fuel action. So am I right in guessing that you think I'm stretching here? I think with love in your heart, your hoping. From a second hand conversation you are trying to feed the hope with out anything real. You deserve someone you loves you in all the ways you enjoyed with your ex but more. At this point he has not been that guy to give you the more. Edited February 11, 2010 by GrayClouds
Author curiousnycgirl Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 As usual Grayclouds you are right on target. Lots to think about and lots to steel myself against. I only hope that if the email ever comes that I will stay strong.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 Re-read the quote. Your ex ain't too bright. Maybe he just hasn't "realized" it yet, so "right now" hasn't occurred yet. My only hope is that when he does realize it, you'll already be living happily ever after... because you deserve THE BEST. Oh Star from your mouth to G-d's ear! I wish that for all of us!
Ronni_W Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I'm reading you want to get back with your ex -- AFTER you've done all the healing and therapy that YOU need to do to ensure that YOU do not lose yourself in ANY other romantic relationship EVER again. Is that right? If so. Your perfect chance to send a quick email to your ex -- how does he want you to handle this thing with his Bud? You know that he hasn't told anyone, and you don't want to be the one to do it to his Bud. You're perfectly happy to go along with whatever he wants about this. It's no big deal -- and you get to be graceful, generous, magnanimous and accommodating If you want to get back with him (AFTER you've done all the healing and therapy, blah, blah, blah) ... this is sooo your perfect opportunity to move in that direction while appearing to do it all for the sake of him and his Bud.
GrayClouds Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I only hope that if the email ever comes that I will stay strong.f It not about being strong it is about being kind to yourself. Treat yourself like you deserve to be treated and others will follow. PS. please do not read Ronni_W post
Ronni_W Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 PS. please do not read Ronni_W post Yeah. I only responded with info from the first post -- none of all that back story. Not that it would necessarily have changed mine in any material way. Maybe just a third caution about doing all that "healing and therapy work blah, blah, blah."
GrayClouds Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Yeah. I only responded with info from the first post -- none of all that back story. Not that it would necessarily have changed mine in any material way. Maybe just a third caution about doing all that "healing and therapy work blah, blah, blah." I understand what you are saying and I do not disagree but likely add a forth, fifth, and sixth word of caution (specially when the OP is thinking about reuniting because of a email he may or may not have written and may or may not send about changes he may or may not have done)
Author curiousnycgirl Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 I'm reading you want to get back with your ex -- AFTER you've done all the healing and therapy that YOU need to do to ensure that YOU do not lose yourself in ANY other romantic relationship EVER again. Is that right? If so. Your perfect chance to send a quick email to your ex -- how does he want you to handle this thing with his Bud? You know that he hasn't told anyone, and you don't want to be the one to do it to his Bud. You're perfectly happy to go along with whatever he wants about this. It's no big deal -- and you get to be graceful, generous, magnanimous and accommodating If you want to get back with him (AFTER you've done all the healing and therapy, blah, blah, blah) ... this is sooo your perfect opportunity to move in that direction while appearing to do it all for the sake of him and his Bud. Ronnie I totally appreciate your input but in my specific situation I think it is absolutely critical that HE be the one to reach out. It cannot and will not be me. For 5.5 years it was always me - and it made him resentful and hateful to me. While it is a long shot - there is no way this has any shot at all unless he mans up. I will however tell you that 4 months ago I would have done exactly as you suggested. But thanks and please keep it coming!
Author curiousnycgirl Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 f It not about being strong it is about being kind to yourself. Treat yourself like you deserve to be treated and others will follow. Totally not a competency of mine, but I'll try
Ronni_W Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Curious, Yes, I got a fuller picture of the situation as a whole after I posted. You still have the immediate prob of how to handle his friend's recent email, though. Or maybe you could just tell him to contact your ex, and let you know what he and your ex have decided about his pending visit? In any case. Sending strength, courage and all you need to just sit tight. Well...not that I think that's a great place -- could go crazy if there's a "is he gonna send that email today?"-thing going on in the back of your head. Maybe-hopefully the friend's visit will spur the ex into some kind of action. Best of luck.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 Curious, Yes, I got a fuller picture of the situation as a whole after I posted. You still have the immediate prob of how to handle his friend's recent email, though. Or maybe you could just tell him to contact your ex, and let you know what he and your ex have decided about his pending visit? In any case. Sending strength, courage and all you need to just sit tight. Well...not that I think that's a great place -- could go crazy if there's a "is he gonna send that email today?"-thing going on in the back of your head. Maybe-hopefully the friend's visit will spur the ex into some kind of action. Best of luck. I'm just going to stay mum and see what happens. Communicating with his friends is not my problem nor my job. I'll just keep doing what I've been doing which is taking it one day at a time. Oh and playing with my new pup - that's him in my avatar isn't he adorable (in a really mutantly tall way)?
Ariadne Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 She had spent over 2 hours on the phone with my ex a little over a week ago (I think) where he poured out his heart that he wanted me back. And that he had spent 3 weeks (at that point) crafting an email to me Congratulations! That´s wonderful news! See what happens now. You´ll just have to be a little patient. Good luck! Hope he sends you that email soon and that it is what you wanted to hear.
Ariadne Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 I spent a lot of time thinking about whether I truly loved him or did I love the him I wanted him to become and I have no doubts, I know I love the him that he was - I'm just not terribly enthused with what he turned into. This is good too, that your feelings are more clear to you. Maybe, if he truly loves you, this will encourage him to do better and not take you for granted. Hope it all works out, wishing you the very best!
Author curiousnycgirl Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 Congratulations! That´s wonderful news! See what happens now. You´ll just have to be a little patient. Good luck! Hope he sends you that email soon and that it is what you wanted to hear. This is good too, that your feelings are more clear to you. Maybe, if he truly loves you, this will encourage him to do better and not take you for granted. Hope it all works out, wishing you the very best! Thanks Ariadne - I truly hope so too. This has been a very tough 10 weeks full of a lot of self loathing, self reflection and a hell of a lot of tears. My feelings on this development are mixed as you can tell from my previous posts here - but I have to admit that I remain hopeful and hopelessly in love. OY the painful web we weave!
Ariadne Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Thanks Ariadne - I truly hope so too. This has been a very tough 10 weeks full of a lot of self loathing, self reflection and a hell of a lot of tears. My feelings on this development are mixed as you can tell from my previous posts here - but I have to admit that I remain hopeful and hopelessly in love. OY the painful web we weave! Well, at least you got that dog! Hugs.
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