no contact problems

[duece22022]

I am doing very well with my no contact. it has been almost 2 months. I have been taking everyone's advice and my intentions are to use the no contact for healing. I am trying to get over her. I know some people are trying to use the NC as a way to get their ex to miss them. I tell myself that i am not doing that, but i think really a part of me is hoping that she misses me. (Rule #1 admit you have a problem). I still do. I still have hope and all the established members on here say that "hope will only delay the healing process" I understand that, but i don't know how to stop thinking about her. I try and i try. Good news is, i am seeing progress in myself. I think about her less and less. I keep telling myself, if she still wanted me she would be with me. But i constantly wonder if she is missing me or when she will contact me. Does anyone else have this problem? Are you trying to heal but your mind still wanders towards them? i appreciate alll the advice.

[Taucher]

I am doing very well with my no contact. it has been almost 2 months. I have been taking everyone's advice and my intentions are to use the no contact for healing. I am trying to get over her. I know some people are trying to use the NC as a way to get their ex to miss them. I tell myself that i am not doing that, but i think really a part of me is hoping that she misses me. (Rule #1 admit you have a problem). I still do. I still have hope and all the established members on here say that "hope will only delay the healing process" I understand that, but i don't know how to stop thinking about her. I try and i try. Good news is, i am seeing progress in myself. I think about her less and less. I keep telling myself, if she still wanted me she would be with me. But i constantly wonder if she is missing me or when she will contact me. Does anyone else have this problem? Are you trying to heal but your mind still wanders towards them? i appreciate alll the advice.

 

It's been nearly 9 months since my ex left me. I have been really good with NC but today she emailed me. Didnt say much, but I have taken several steps backward. Had nothing from her since November until today.

 

You are in the stage where you are wishing that she would contact you and soon (dont know when) you will be at the stage when you dont want to hear from her. But she contacted me and now my mind is thinking about her once again. So, NC is crucial. I was doing so well.

 

You cant really STOP yourself thinking about her. You can make yourself forget to think about her by being busy. But you might dream about her whether you want to or not.

 

T

[CaliGuy]

Look at it this way, I think No Foolin' once said "If they haven't come back within 6 months, you'd need a hail mary pass to get back together". I think that's a good perspective. If they really wanted to be with you, they'd be beating your front door down (literally) -- and you wouldn't be wondering if they miss you....

[GrayClouds]

I am doing very well with my no contact. it has been almost 2 months. I have been taking everyone's advice and my intentions are to use the no contact for healing. I am trying to get over her. I know some people are trying to use the NC as a way to get their ex to miss them. I tell myself that i am not doing that, but i think really a part of me is hoping that she misses me. (Rule #1 admit you have a problem). I still do. I still have hope and all the established members on here say that "hope will only delay the healing process" I understand that, but i don't know how to stop thinking about her. I try and i try. Good news is, i am seeing progress in myself. I think about her less and less. I keep telling myself, if she still wanted me she would be with me. But i constantly wonder if she is missing me or when she will contact me. Does anyone else have this problem? Are you trying to heal but your mind still wanders towards them? i appreciate alll the advice.

 

NC make is easier, not easy, but eaiser. So be kind to yourself and have faith that if your doing all of the other hard work of focusing on yourself and improving yourself you will continue to move forward.

 

 

Often those thoughts of the EX is just a hook to hang underling emotion's hat on. Adress the underling emotions of the thought is more productive then hoping for something else to take care of them.

 

When you do find hope sneaking into your thoughts, ask yourself why. Is it becouse you lonely, horny, a fond memory, or possible just sad? Then try to figurre what you can do to address that; call a friend, colds shower, do something new to creat a new memory, go for a run to get a happy endorphins rush. This is you taking care of yourself and giving yourself what you need.

[Odyssey]

...i constantly wonder if she is missing me or when she will contact me. Does anyone else have this problem? Are you trying to heal but your mind still wanders towards them? i appreciate alll the advice.

When you're sitting there alone, bored, tired or not busy doing something... your mind will wander. Times like these i have to keep giving myself a reality-check-ass-kicking. Kinda stop myself to check my feelings... most of the time it's not 'cause i miss the ex, it's because i was bored, tired etc. Like GC said, address those feelings first. Keep your mind busy thinking about something else - distraction. Often there's no getting away from it and i have to keep reminding myself there are plenty of people worst off than me.

 

Hang in there, you will get through this.

 

It's been nearly 9 months since my ex left me. I have been really good with NC but today she emailed me. Didnt say much, but I have taken several steps backward. Had nothing from her since November until today.

Hey T. about 9 months for me too. Sorry to hear she broke your nc - she was 'just checkin up on you' huh? Don't worry man, at least it doesn't feel like back at day one right?

[mickleb]

NC make is easier, not easy, but eaiser. So be kind to yourself and have faith that if your doing all of the other hard work of focusing on yourself and improving yourself you will continue to move forward.

 

 

Often those thoughts of the EX is just a hook to hang underling emotion's hat on. Adress the underling emotions of the thought is more productive then hoping for something else to take care of them.

 

When you do find hope sneaking into your thoughts, ask yourself why. Is it becouse you lonely, horny, a fond memory, or possible just sad? Then try to figurre what you can do to address that; call a friend, colds shower, do something new to creat a new memory, go for a run to get a happy endorphins rush. This is you taking care of yourself and giving yourself what you need.

 

duece: Firstly, two months isn't that long. It's pretty normal to be where you're at. You sound pretty strong, to me but GC's advice, here, will take you to the next stage. Susan Anderson's book 'The Journey From Heartbreak To Connection' is a useful tool for getting underneath the pain to find out why you are choosing (and, yes, I mean 'choosing') to hold on.

 

Tauch: Long time, no contact! How are you doing? (Sorry - that's a bit insensitive, isn't it? )

 

You are still sounding healthily resolved - good. It can't have been easy to suddenly get shoved back by an email from her, like that.

 

How have you been doing with the self-analysis bit?

 

Also, are you enjoying half-term?

 

x

[bananaboat11]

It's been nearly 9 months since my ex left me. I have been really good with NC but today she emailed me. Didnt say much, but I have taken several steps backward. Had nothing from her since November until today.

 

You are in the stage where you are wishing that she would contact you and soon (dont know when) you will be at the stage when you dont want to hear from her. But she contacted me and now my mind is thinking about her once again. So, NC is crucial. I was doing so well.

 

You cant really STOP yourself thinking about her. You can make yourself forget to think about her by being busy. But you might dream about her whether you want to or not.

 

T

 

Heh, my ex dumped me in November...

 

g-d... if she does contact me in 5 months (to make 9 months) I hope I'm at he point of where I don't care enough to acknowledge the contact...

[GAboywillprevail]

Look at it this way, I think No Foolin' once said "If they haven't come back within 6 months, you'd need a hail mary pass to get back together". I think that's a good perspective. If they really wanted to be with you, they'd be beating your front door down (literally) -- and you wouldn't be wondering if they miss you....

 

 

I am new to the forums and have begun to visit because of my impending D after 19 years of M. I totally agree. My wife could not care what was bothering me even after I told her what the problem was. I told her we had problems and needed to discuss them, I gave her a list of things she needed to work on inorder to save our marriage... I told her I would do everything in my power to help. I even requested a "to fix me" list from her. All to no avail, she ignored me as always. Her way of dealing with conflict is to ignore it for so long that she makes it my fault. Or she says I should know what she is thinking. I told her that if we didn't discuss the list of items I required of her that I was filing for divorce. That was a month ago and the attorney is drawing up the papers.

You may think this is funny....... one of my items to fix for her was that she needed to start wearing her wedding ring (she says she couldn't because it doesn't fit!!!!! Yeah right) The ring still has not been resized.

I have dealt with all that I can deal with and it feels good to type this first post. I love her and I hate her, I am sick of being taken for granted and a lack of communication. AFTER 19 years I have no idea who my wife is...I don't know what she thinks or desires. I have asked and asked and she always says she is tight lipped because of the way she was raised.... B_llsh_t!!!!! I'm done

I know this is sort of the opposite of what most men complain about their wives. My wife has taken NC to a new level. When we have a disagreement about even small matters, she ignores me for weeks on end. As of this writing we have not spoken for 3 weeks. We will not unless I make the first move. And of course I have NEVER heard I am sorry from her.

Put a fork in this marriage...... I don't have the desire or energy anymore, she has left me an emotional wreck in that I keep trying to make her happy by bending over backwards... laundry, cleaning, cooking special meals, rubbing her back, paying all the bills etc.

Someone said in one of the threads if you keep rewarding the behavior it will just get worse. Well I never thought of it that way until I started reading here and reflecting on my over giving behavior. I can NOT remember many good times over the past 19 years, there has always been some type of conflict or tension. It is pathetic that I have remained for so long.....but let me preface also that I am by no means the perfect husband. It has gotten over the past several years that I want to be with my buddies more than with her because she makes me feel so bad about myself. ANYWAY, sorry for the rambling, I need to get this out and it felt good. I have so much to say and ask on here......

Edited February 16, 2010 by GAboywillprevail
missed a word

[paleblue]

congrats on making it that long with no contact. i think we all have the same questions and thoughts you are not alone! i still think about my ex on a daily basis over a year later. then i wonder why i do. but she just pops into my head. cant help it. i cant even prevent it from happening. you will def get over things faster if you have a clean break. others, have the joy of being stuck working with their exes and cant get away. then they want to be your friend. which in turn makes you want to slit your wrists.

 

taking some time to heal is important but when you start getting out and find someone else they will occupy that space in your mind that your ex currently takes up. i say find someone else and kick her out of your head.

[mmk1]

You know, after 4 months myself NC I think the answer to whether your ex is thinkng of you or missing you is who cares? If your ex has not contacted you after two mnths, I suggest you thnk solely about yourself and forget about your ex.

 

I know it's much easier said than done but it will come. Hang in there!!

[Taucher]

Heh, my ex dumped me in November...

 

g-d... if she does contact me in 5 months (to make 9 months) I hope I'm at he point of where I don't care enough to acknowledge the contact...

 

I hope you are too. Got to get over this at some point. Sooner rather than later. Fingers crossed.

 

 

Hey T. about 9 months for me too. Sorry to hear she broke your nc - she was 'just checkin up on you' huh? Don't worry man, at least it doesn't feel like back at day one right?

 

Yep, totally checking up on me and letting me know that she has a new job without telling me what it is...like she wants me to ask? Pah.

 

No, its not back to day one. I'll never be back at day one I feel better thinking about that.

 

Tauch: Long time, no contact! How are you doing? (Sorry - that's a bit insensitive, isn't it? )

 

You are still sounding healthily resolved - good. It can't have been easy to suddenly get shoved back by an email from her, like that.

 

How have you been doing with the self-analysis bit?

 

Also, are you enjoying half-term?

 

x

 

Hey m! I am ok thanks. I havent been on here much. Feelings still here but felt like I didnt have much to say for some reason. I am sort of healthily resolved, I suppose, ish. Stupidly, I still want her back tho.

 

I have learnt alot thanks. Self analysis can be painful but the book helped alot, well, guided me totally really. I just hope it can inform my future, if u see what I mean.

 

Half term is alright ta. They MADE me take leave so I been off all week. Not done much. You?

 

Tx

[mickleb]

Hey Monsieur Tauch!

 

I'm really glad the book was some help. Re. your future - what was your vision of yourself in a couple of years?

 

I imagined some chair in a hotel room - was thinking Lisbon - and I was just about to meet a friend downstairs to go off to explore the city. Worked that back to realising I had to save every bloody penny imaginable before I can even think about my next holiday but that's been going fine, and my future is beginning to shape up, I guess.

 

Half term is ace. I love it but then, I get paid, regardless.. So you get a cut in pay if you have it but they force you to have it? Aye. Can't enjoy it properly if it's been forced upon you. What a shame.

 

I am just over the river from you, as it happens. Was walking the dear old dog in Ladywell Gardens earlier today. Then spent me £10 voucher I got for Xmas in Lewisham Primark! Hitting the big time and stepping OUT!

 

Nice to hear from you.

 

Keep your chin up. This city's a tough old bird, sometimes. I suggest day trips out into the greenbelt!

 

Take care.

 

x

[Taucher]

Hey Monsieur Tauch!

 

I'm really glad the book was some help. Re. your future - what was your vision of yourself in a couple of years?

 

I imagined some chair in a hotel room - was thinking Lisbon - and I was just about to meet a friend downstairs to go off to explore the city. Worked that back to realising I had to save every bloody penny imaginable before I can even think about my next holiday but that's been going fine, and my future is beginning to shape up, I guess.

 

Half term is ace. I love it but then, I get paid, regardless.. So you get a cut in pay if you have it but they force you to have it? Aye. Can't enjoy it properly if it's been forced upon you. What a shame.

 

I am just over the river from you, as it happens. Was walking the dear old dog in Ladywell Gardens earlier today. Then spent me £10 voucher I got for Xmas in Lewisham Primark! Hitting the big time and stepping OUT!

 

Nice to hear from you.

 

Keep your chin up. This city's a tough old bird, sometimes. I suggest day trips out into the greenbelt!

 

Take care.

 

x

 

Hello again mb,

 

My vision of myself was that I would be married and all that. Never thought it wouldnt happen. BUT, I suppose I now realise that what I am doing in the future is less important than how I feel in the future if you see what I mean?

 

So weird you were in Lewisham Primark! And Ladywell park...you mean Hilly Fields?

 

Although I work at the college, I am based in Lewisham and about 1 minute walk from Primark too. It's a BIG Primark isnt it? I bought some slippers there, like an old man, and there was a rogue bit of plastic that stabbed my foot to death every time I wore them. I do get paid for leave so its not too bad. I still have 2.5 weeks leave to take before April 1st.

 

Yep a day trip away from the smoke would be nice. I might look into that...any suggestions?

 

I am glad your future is beginning to shape up. That SOUNDS positive, if a little vague.

 

Tx

[mickleb]

Hello again mb, My vision of myself was that I would be married and all that. Never thought it wouldnt happen. BUT, I suppose I now realise that what I am doing in the future is less important than how I feel in the future if you see what I mean? So weird you were in Lewisham Primark! And Ladywell park...you mean Hilly Fields? Although I work at the college, I am based in Lewisham and about 1 minute walk from Primark too. It's a BIG Primark isnt it? I bought some slippers there, like an old man, and there was a rogue bit of plastic that stabbed my foot to death every time I wore them. I do get paid for leave so its not too bad. I still have 2.5 weeks leave to take before April 1st. Yep a day trip away from the smoke would be nice. I might look into that...any suggestions? I am glad your future is beginning to shape up. That SOUNDS positive, if a little vague. Tx

 

So, with your vision you plumped for 'the big time', romantically? That's interesting. That would be something that is not necessarily within your control, don't you think? Sounds like you have realised that, perhaps, that feeling of being loved and reassured is what you should be aiming for. You know you can give all that to yourself, btw? (I know it's not quite the same as sharing with someone but you need to get to that level of self-contentment before you try to pledge it to someone else, I think.) That's something I sensed before my ex and something that I continue to appreciate, day by day.

 

It also, if you don't mind me saying, suggests you are living for the dream, a touch, rather than good old every day life. That sounds a bit harsh but I don't mean you're out of control with it, or anything. I mention it because it could be contributing to the difficulty you have with cutting off your feelings for your ex.

 

I sense you may be a bit like me. I can easily get washed away in the feelings, the 'idea' of romance but it is really important that I don't allow that dream to guide my everyday behaviour and progress. Or that I put undue pressure on myself to achieve the impossible. It's a CP thing that isn't, necessarily, FULL-ON CP but touches of it. I think it's something a lot of people can do but I see it as dangerous, nowadays: impractical. Anyway, maybe this is an internal dialogue. Maybe it resonates with you. Let me know.

 

I don't know where I mean.. the bit of grass behind the hospital that goes down to Catford Greyhound Stadium. I used to walk home through there every day when I worked in Sydenham. Aah.. memories, all alone in the moonlight! I can smile at the old days, I was beautiful then..

 

All Primarks seem big to me. It's not like the one on Oxford Street which is 3 floors of slave laboured-madness. Cheap pants though. Can't sniff at cheap pants (although, I have heard there are people who pay to do this).

 

You get paid for leave and you still have two and a half weeks to take before the Easter hols and you're STILL complaining? Taucher, my friend, WHAT ARE YOU LIKE?

 

Um, re. suggestions of where you could nip to, the Time Out Book of Country Walks is great. I used to join the walking club occasionally. There are a few each week, as far as I recall. Check'i'owt: http://www.walkingclub.org.uk/ Obviously, I'm partial to a bit of sea air, meself.

 

My future? Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I am aiming to be debt-free by 40; that's my M.O. I guess. (No mortgage or anything, so not quite as cool as it sounds.) Will carry on with the current job for a bit, as I like it (a lot). I have a painting I need to finish and.. there seems to be an agreeable romantic interest in the picture, so it's all good, I s'pose.

 

x