Itzonator Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 What are your top 5 concerns about dating in order of importance? This may be a rough one for you to answer, because if you hold on to your concerns, without giving any thoughts about them, you are about to lose your self-esteem & confidence. Hidding back your concerns is your best enemy. Do not do this to yourself, just share them with others.
counterman Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 1. Rejection. 2. Finding a girl who likes me as I like her, someone I am attracted to as well. 3. Change of heart. Whether it is a girl I've dated for a while or myself. I can't think of any others at the moment and am not sure about the ones I do have now!
Author Itzonator Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 1. Rejection. 2. Finding a girl who likes me as I like her, someone I am attracted to as well. 3. Change of heart. Whether it is a girl I've dated for a while or myself. I can't think of any others at the moment and am not sure about the ones I do have now! Ok, that's good ... thanks! What can you do to fix those, in your opinion?
counterman Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 With rejection, I think I can fix that just by working on myself i.e. exercising, eating right and meeting new people. Just have a well-rounded life should do it. What I mean by fix is giving off a more confident vibe so I am less likely to get rejected and to simply not care that much when I do get rejected. In saying that, there has probably been only a couple of times I have been rejected. Doesn't stop me or any other guy from fearing it. Currently, I feel pretty great about myself but everyone can always improve. With finding a girl that likes me as much as I like her, I think by be more attentive and more observant. I know when I am mistreated and I should not tolerate that, so by recognising actions more than words, I would be able to see whether a girl is really that into me. Change of heart... I will never ever settle for someone I am not that interested in and definitely not someone I am not attracted to. Sooner or later, I could change my mind and I do not want to do that to her or myself. That goes back to going out with girls who are not flaky, and not tolerating any less than I deserve. Ultimately, I just need to keep improving and to keep learning from my experiences; just be the best that I can be.
Author Itzonator Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 With rejection, I think I can fix that just by working on myself i.e. exercising, eating right and meeting new people. Just have a well-rounded life should do it. What I mean by fix is giving off a more confident vibe so I am less likely to get rejected and to simply not care that much when I do get rejected. In saying that, there has probably been only a couple of times I have been rejected. Doesn't stop me or any other guy from fearing it. Currently, I feel pretty great about myself but everyone can always improve. With finding a girl that likes me as much as I like her, I think by be more attentive and more observant. I know when I am mistreated and I should not tolerate that, so by recognising actions more than words, I would be able to see whether a girl is really that into me. Change of heart... I will never ever settle for someone I am not that interested in and definitely not someone I am not attracted to. Sooner or later, I could change my mind and I do not want to do that to her or myself. That goes back to going out with girls who are not flaky, and not tolerating any less than I deserve. Ultimately, I just need to keep improving and to keep learning from my experiences; just be the best that I can be. Ok great ... wow that's awesome! So you have the answer ... but only in your head. For all of them, what are the action steps you need to do to get the outcome you want? The reason why you are doing this is to COMMIT to yourself to make it happen.
bluewolf17 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 1) That I won't like him 2) That he won't like me. 3) That I'm one of many people he is dating 4) That he turns creepy and gets all needy on me. 5) That it will work out.
Author Itzonator Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 1) That I won't like him 2) That he won't like me. 3) That I'm one of many people he is dating 4) That he turns creepy and gets all needy on me. 5) That it will work out. Ok, I have another question for you ... How are you going to avoid all of them, in your opinion, to overcome those concerns?
bluewolf17 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Lol. I'm actually in a relationship, and I'm pretty sure he's the last guy I will have. My answers were more in referenced to IF I had to start over. To answer your question..I would just dive head in
greatgirlfriend Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 1) That I'll invest all this time in a relationship and it won't work. 2) That we'll want different end results (for instance one might marriage, while another might just want to date) 3) That one will lose interest 4) Cheating 5) That it was all about sex. Only a few pertain to my current situation. Others are just in general.
Ms. Joolie Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 My top 5 concerns right now in dating my SO: 1) the distance - 30 min drive sucks most times 2) me always having to go to his place - I live with my mother. Now there's a story behind that, but it works out for us both. only thing is my SO never stays at my place and that just kinda sucks 3) his ex-wife - they have two kids together, ages 10 and 9. So he is in contact with her daily. Not only that, but the ex-wife comes up a lot in our conversations. ugh. I mean, really??? How hard is it to just zip it about the ex-wife? He doesn't even like her. Complains a lot. ugh. I mean, REALLY?? Zip it! lol 4) our future - well he just gave me the key to his house so I can use. That was nice. We throw in 'if we were to live together' a lot in our conversations. lol. That's kind of nice too. But until we actually live together, I have insecurities to fuss over. 5) my insecurities - in the end, it comes down to my insecurites, doesn't it? I just need to do what I need to do, say what needs to be said, to get secure sometimes. At other times, it's a matter of patience and letting things be. Whew. I just need to relax most times. This has been a good exercise. Nice to air these things out.
Author Itzonator Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 Lol. I'm actually in a relationship, and I'm pretty sure he's the last guy I will have. My answers were more in referenced to IF I had to start over. To answer your question..I would just dive head in Right, I did not ask about your current situation now. I am happy that you are in a good relationship now, but those concenrs are perhaps worrying you sometimes. So, I was asking how to overcome the concerns in your head, not your actual situation. See those concenrs are psychological barriers, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but working on those might help in some way to straighten relationships & friendships.
Author Itzonator Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 1) That I'll invest all this time in a relationship and it won't work. 2) That we'll want different end results (for instance one might marriage, while another might just want to date) 3) That one will lose interest 4) Cheating 5) That it was all about sex. Only a few pertain to my current situation. Others are just in general. Thanks for sharing, great! Sometimes is difficult to be open in front of other people, but I like this forum, cuz everyone (mostly) is anonymous. Regarding these concenrs of yours, what can you do theoretically fix them? Why? Because you have the answers yourself, better than someone to tell you what to do about it. People do not ask very often of HOW to do THIS, to overcome this set-back. So, I think it is a good trick to use.
bluewolf17 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Right, I did not ask about your current situation now. I am happy that you are in a good relationship now, but those concenrs are perhaps worrying you sometimes. So, I was asking how to overcome the concerns in your head, not your actual situation. See those concenrs are psychological barriers, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but working on those might help in some way to straighten relationships & friendships. Sorry, I must have misunderstood the question. I thought you meant when you first start dating someone.
Author Itzonator Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 My top 5 concerns right now in dating my SO: 1) the distance - 30 min drive sucks most times 2) me always having to go to his place - I live with my mother. Now there's a story behind that, but it works out for us both. only thing is my SO never stays at my place and that just kinda sucks 3) his ex-wife - they have two kids together, ages 10 and 9. So he is in contact with her daily. Not only that, but the ex-wife comes up a lot in our conversations. ugh. I mean, really??? How hard is it to just zip it about the ex-wife? He doesn't even like her. Complains a lot. ugh. I mean, REALLY?? Zip it! lol 4) our future - well he just gave me the key to his house so I can use. That was nice. We throw in 'if we were to live together' a lot in our conversations. lol. That's kind of nice too. But until we actually live together, I have insecurities to fuss over. 5) my insecurities - in the end, it comes down to my insecurites, doesn't it? I just need to do what I need to do, say what needs to be said, to get secure sometimes. At other times, it's a matter of patience and letting things be. Whew. I just need to relax most times. This has been a good exercise. Nice to air these things out. Great insights! Especially the one with the insecurities. You deserve a "hi five" for this one Since the distance worries you, why don't you move into his house? What's stopping you exactly from doing it?
alphamale Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 What are your top 5 concerns about dating in order of importance? finding good quality chicks to datefinding good quality chicks to datefinding good quality chicks to datefinding good quality chicks to datefinding good quality chicks to date
Author Itzonator Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 finding good quality chicks to datefinding good quality chicks to datefinding good quality chicks to datefinding good quality chicks to datefinding good quality chicks to date Do you think the problem is within you, or the problem is with them?
stevejohnson1976 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 1. Rejection. 2. Finding a girl who likes me as I like her, someone I am attracted to as well. 3. Change of heart. Whether it is a girl I've dated for a while or myself. I can't think of any others at the moment and am not sure about the ones I do have now! that's pretty much my list
soulm8 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 his ex-wife - they have two kids together, ages 10 and 9. So he is in contact with her daily. Not only that, but the ex-wife comes up a lot in our conversations. ugh. I mean, really??? How hard is it to just zip it about the ex-wife? He doesn't even like her. Complains a lot. ugh. I mean, REALLY?? Zip it! lol. Hmmmm... daily contact?? I'll have to read up on some of your posts.
alphamale Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Do you think the problem is within you, or the problem is with them? i don't know
Author Itzonator Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 i don't know Blaming other people is easy, because of unwillingness to take responsibility. If you see yourself as a victim, and this is complaining that there are no quality chicks out there for you, that means you do not take responsibility for your own live experience. Sometimes is hard to swallow, but all I mean by this is to take responsibility to whatever happens in your life. The result of this is that if you do not take responsibility you are just giving away your power and move yourself into the position of pain, when it comes to fear. You are the cause of the feelings that take away your joy in life, not the chicks or somebody else. To me, this realization is a real blessing, if I know that I can create my own misery, it stands that fact that I can also create my own joy, and simply the chicks that I want and specify as "the quality ones" will follow.
Ms. Joolie Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Since the distance worries you, why don't you move into his house? What's stopping you exactly from doing it? I'm waiting for his invitation to move into his house, I guess. It would make sense and be so much nicer/easier if I just lived with him. That's where we should be it seems.... we are going on 4 years together after all. But... the reality is that we've been on/off for 4 years, not continually together. So while I have my fuss over where this relationship is going, he just wants to feel secure that I'm in it for real this time. I'm 27 and just getting my head on straight. He's 40, intelligent and settled. haha. He knows what he's doing. So I have to, um, sorta earn that is what I'm thinking. lol. Ok I'll shut up.
Ms. Joolie Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Hmmmm... daily contact?? I'll have to read up on some of your posts. Oooooooh, please don't. haha. As I said, they have kids together so there is the constant communication over that, as they are still very young and need lots of care and all that. I can understand that, that's not what bothers me. What bothers me is the dozens of instances where he has brought her up in a conversation. Yesterday we were talking about our career paths and such, and then he starts, "Well Stacy this and that......" I DON'T CARE ABOUT STACY'S THIS AND THAT! geez. There could be a number of reasons he does this, none of them I'm insecure over, just slightly annoyed at.
alphamale Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 If you see yourself as a victim, .... i dont see myself as a victim...i'm just stating the fact that its hard to find good quality women to date. and women complain that its hard to find good quality men to date. its just a fact of life
Author Itzonator Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 I'm waiting for his invitation to move into his house, I guess. It would make sense and be so much nicer/easier if I just lived with him. That's where we should be it seems.... we are going on 4 years together after all. But... the reality is that we've been on/off for 4 years, not continually together. So while I have my fuss over where this relationship is going, he just wants to feel secure that I'm in it for real this time. I'm 27 and just getting my head on straight. He's 40, intelligent and settled. haha. He knows what he's doing. So I have to, um, sorta earn that is what I'm thinking. lol. Ok I'll shut up. Giving you the keys for the house, isn't a form of invitation? At least the one he understands to bring up about. Is it possible that psychologically something's stopping you from doing it? You are looking for approval here, which is fine, but since you got the keys ... The best way to end this is to ask.
Author Itzonator Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 i dont see myself as a victim...i'm just stating the fact that its hard to find good quality women to date. and women complain that its hard to find good quality men to date. its just a fact of life Or perhaps the problem is that you worry to much about facts and stats. The facts for someone are not necessary true for anybody else. Facts are just propositions of life experiences. You have unique life experience with comparison to anyone else, thus facts may have different meaning to you. When someone says ... this is a fact ... you do not stop there, exploring other possibilities. There are always different ways to the desired outcome. What does "quality chick" mean to you?
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