How do people do it?

[Len]

I know a man. In many ways he is similar to I, not the best looking, not the most exciting, he keeps himself to himself, works hard and has a good heart.

 

Twenty two years ago he married a woman and took on her three children as his own. He provided a good home and education for them, has taken them on holidays all over the world and has been a kind, loyal dedicated father and husband. Once the kids left for university, he bought a lovely cottage in the country and financed a business for his wife, it was something she had always wanted to do.

 

Also similar to me he then fell ill. Nothing long term, but enough for him to need, for the first time, a little support and understanding from his wife.

 

She left him for another man.

 

This man is younger, better looking, a lot wealthier and probably more fun to spend time with. Her business is flourishing, her now ex husbands is struggling.

 

She has a wonderful new life, her ex husband is living in a small apartment in town, is still struggling a little with his health, obviously heart broken and very alone. He is a strong man, one of the strongest I know but I dont think he will ever recover from this.

 

I can understand the temptation put infront of his ex wife. Good looking, rich, exciting younger man vs aging, tired, ill and probably grumpy husband. But all the same, she was the one person in the world he should have been able to trust, rely upon and turn to for support.

 

How do people do it?

Edited February 11, 2010 by Len

[jinx55]

People are selfish and Greedy. It is one thing if one of the people in the relationship is abusing the other, but if you get married and the other person treats you the same as before the marriage then you made a commitment.

[TaraMaiden]

First of all, own it.

 

This is you, you're talking about, not some other 'Mr Nice guy who didn't ask for this, but got it anyway.'

 

But, I'll go along with the charade, if that's what you'd prefer.....

 

He will recover from this, when he lets himself do so.

All pain we carry, is voluntary.

 

She did the wrong thing, no doubt about it, but the ex-husband probably took his eye off the ball, and although he supplied everything materially anyone could possibly want, the emotional/affectionate side of things went neglected.

Both the ex-wife, and the ex-husband, let that slide.

 

When an affair occurs, it's not the affair that's the problem.

It's a symptom. The root cause lies within the marriage already.

So now, she's with someone else, and he's coping on his own.

Well, it's done.

no point harking back on it.

No point at all.

What good does it do?

What's the point of asking questions which can never be answered satisfactorily?

 

The question is not "How do people do it?"

 

The question is "What do I do now?"

 

He needs to ask himself this question, and answer it as positively as he can.

Start every day with the thought that life is there for the taking, and therefore it is to be grasped by the neck and enjoyed to the full.

 

tell him that the time for wallowing is past.

It's time for him to defy what happened, and create a new and better 'Now'.

 

Wish him well, from me.

[Ronni_W]

I can understand the temptation put infront of his ex wife. Good looking, rich, exciting younger man vs aging, tired, ill and probably grumpy husband. But all the same, she was the one person in the world he should have been able to trust, rely upon and turn to for support.

Hey Len.

I have a different theory, goes something like this:

 

For that woman, the new guy just happened to also be young, rich, good looking. If there wasn't one like that around, then she would have left her husband for someone older, poorer and uglier. (Not that young & rich wasn't her first choice preference, but that anyone -- other than her husband -- would have been more acceptable than her husband at that point.)

 

I think her choices, decisions and actions speak more to her lacks and limitations than her needs and desires. I think some people just do not know how to give compassion, support, nurturing, comfort, etc. I think they don't have the strength, courage, wisdom, knowledge or skills to face adversity and help others get through it.

 

I think they know this about themselves and actually prefer to be seen as "selfish and greedy" than admit to what they are actually all about -- weak, ineffectual, unskilled human beings who cannot give genuine love and support no matter how much they might want to.

 

To me, they're lacking some basic element that relates to 'generosity of spirit'...and being labeled "selfish and greedy" sounds a hell of a lot better. Personally, I refuse to let them off the hook so easily. I think they need to go and learn how to be better human beings rather than hide behind, "Oh, I'm just selfish and greedy." They WISH that's all that is their problem!

 

Is my theory.

[carhill]

As my best friend told me, she either found a better victim to suck the life out of or wants the freedom to do so. Three down, many more to go

[Eeyore79]

I'm guessing she was a lot younger than her husband, and her new "younger" man, while younger than her husband, is still probably the same age or older than her?

 

Younger women are happy with an older man while he's still relatively young, but when he gets old and sick while she's still in her prime, suddenly she wants a man her own age who isn't a geriatric. If he married a much younger woman then he ought to have seen this coming.

[carhill]

Given what the first husband 'provided', and the mention of 'a lot wealthier' wrt to the new guy, this is definitely an upgrader. No doubt. Sociopathic, most likely. Men are just vehicles to a destination.

[Len]

Taramaiden, I am sorry but this is not me we are talking about. I will freely admit the past has been on my mind lately, but a lot of things have been on my mind lately. This is about my old boss (now business rival). I have never particularly liked the man but I really do feel for the him right now. For this to happen at his age, after giving so much for so long and just about to retire. I can't imagine how hard a blow that must be. Also the question really was how do people do it. It is something I cannot understand.

 

Ronni, you may well be right, you have certainly shown how insightful you are before.

 

Eeyore, No she was not substantially younger, but has aged much better than him.

 

Carhill, I somewhat agree but ouch, what a lesson to learn when 60.

 

Jinx, sorry almost missed you at the top. Commitment, that's the word, that's what I don't understand, how do you walk away from commitment? I was tempted do so recently (leave my business partner and change career) but I couldn't do it, he has done good by me over the years, so I will continue to work with him until he retires. It is the least I can do.

[TaraMaiden]

Taramaiden, I am sorry but this is not me we are talking about. I will freely admit the past has been on my mind lately, but a lot of things have been on my mind lately. This is about my old boss (now business rival). I have never particularly liked the man but I really do feel for the him right now. For this to happen at his age, after giving so much for so long and just about to retire. I can't imagine how hard a blow that must be. Also the question really was how do people do it. It is something I cannot understand.

 

ok, fair enough.

I apologise, and retract my 'accusation'. But the advice for your boss still stands. In any case, though, I'm very sorry he's going through this, though. I wish him well....

[quankanne]

Commitment, that's the word, that's what I don't understand, how do you walk away from commitment?

 

you walk away because something's changed, and you think to yourself, "I didn't sign up for this crap," and because you realize you're still young enough to start over, you chose to walk away.

 

or the commitment simply was never there, and the partner was just a nice star to hitch yourself to until a supernova passed by ...

[Len]

ok, fair enough.

I apologise, and retract my 'accusation'. But the advice for your boss still stands. In any case, though, I'm very sorry he's going through this, though. I wish him well....

 

Thankyou. Advice will be passed on if I see him.