I think I am a cheater now

[plati-patti]

I posted about my situation a few weeks ago. I've been seeing an IC for myself to try and get healthy.

 

I didn't think I was cheating, but believe now that I have been having an emotional affair for sometime. I have felt a strong connection emotionally to someone else for some time and now I realize that it is cheating, at least emotionally. I feel good when I'm around him, look forward to seeing him. I even like the sound of his voice and the way he smells. The OM and I spoke and I revealed my feelings. He feels attracted to me too, but has been careful to keep some distance due since I'm married. I kissed him twice, on the lips. I am a cheater, no doubt about it now. I have not slept with him, though I cannot deny that I want to.

 

I've been talking more about leaving the marriage with my husband. But he's just not wanting to hear my words. Now some medical issues have cropped up and he needs me to help him get through it. The marriage all feels so empty to me and has for a long time. Despite his issues, he is a sweet and gentle man and I never wanted to hurt him. I need to move out and move on, but there's always a crisis with his health or his family or some other reason that he needs me to help him through. He wanted to have sex with me a few days ago, but I wouldn't. I don't feel right about it and I didn't want to reject him but I just can't do it with him anymore.

 

What a mess, what a mess.

 

I know that I deserve it. Criticize away, it is ok. It can't be any worse than what I think of myself at this point.

[Passion4Life]

I posted about my situation a few weeks ago. I've been seeing an IC for myself to try and get healthy.

 

I didn't think I was cheating, but believe now that I have been having an emotional affair for sometime. I have felt a strong connection emotionally to someone else for some time and now I realize that it is cheating, at least emotionally. I feel good when I'm around him, look forward to seeing him. I even like the sound of his voice and the way he smells. The OM and I spoke and I revealed my feelings. He feels attracted to me too, but has been careful to keep some distance due since I'm married. I kissed him twice, on the lips. I am a cheater, no doubt about it now. I have not slept with him, though I cannot deny that I want to.

 

I've been talking more about leaving the marriage with my husband. But he's just not wanting to hear my words. Now some medical issues have cropped up and he needs me to help him get through it. The marriage all feels so empty to me and has for a long time. Despite his issues, he is a sweet and gentle man and I never wanted to hurt him. I need to move out and move on, but there's always a crisis with his health or his family or some other reason that he needs me to help him through. He wanted to have sex with me a few days ago, but I wouldn't. I don't feel right about it and I didn't want to reject him but I just can't do it with him anymore.

 

What a mess, what a mess.

 

I know that I deserve it. Criticize away, it is ok. It can't be any worse than what I think of myself at this point.

 

so u mean u r unable to move out because there's always a crisis with ur husband's health but at the same time u r cheating on him ?

so I 'd suggest u to stop showing pity on him , he needs to know that u stayed not out of love but just out of pity , be truthful about everything about this other guy so that he can accept the truths & might not try anymore to convince you into staying with him & let u go .

 

u r right this is a mess more for ur husband because he knows nothing about whats going on .

Remember more u drag ur husband like this more painful it will be for him after he finds out the truth .

 

Best of luck

[plati-patti]

I tried, I truly did and held on for a very long time. I'm weak, I have failed.

 

I don't understand why you feel sorry for my H. His problems are all self-inflicted. He puts the food in his mouth. He chooses to destroy himself. He chooses his addiction to overeating over me.

 

My part is in accepting his problems for so long. I don't know if it is pity I feel as much as what's expected of me, duty or whatever it is.

 

And here I sit, miserable, guilty and can't sleep in the middle of the night because of his snoring, yet again.

[Trojan John]

Is reads as if his overeating is a symptom (at least in part) of your bad married life. I'm not blaming you for it, just speculation.

 

You both should seek professional help in moving on in your lives.

 

Best

[RedDevil66]

I tried, I truly did and held on for a very long time. I'm weak, I have failed.

 

I don't understand why you feel sorry for my H. His problems are all self-inflicted. He puts the food in his mouth. He chooses to destroy himself. He chooses his addiction to overeating over me.

 

My part is in accepting his problems for so long. I don't know if it is pity I feel as much as what's expected of me, duty or whatever it is.

 

And here I sit, miserable, guilty and can't sleep in the middle of the night because of his snoring, yet again.

 

I would like to point out, no one CHOOSES an addiction, and no one chooses it over anyone else.

 

Having said that, I can see where you would want to go outside the marriage for emotional support. Being with an addict is one of the toughest things.

But by going away from the marriage is not the healthiest/wisest choice.

You need to fill your void/need for emotion with your own self. Have respect for who you and not act on deception.

 

By creating this internal drama with an affair is just keeping what you need to face about your life in a box, locked away.

 

My suggestion, get some therapy for both of you.

Does he admit he's an addict and has he ever been for help with it?

[whichwayisup]

but has been careful to keep some distance due since I'm married.

Good for him, atleast he's thinking here. He doesn't want to get too close because you're married and he probably realizes that putting himself between a husband and wife isn't a smart idea, let alone HE is going to get hurt.

 

It's time for you to make a decision, and put a plan in action. Staying married and cheating is not going to help in the long run, it's a bandaid because you aren't facing the problems in your marriage and communicating with your husband how you feel and why. You need to sort this out before purusing something with OM.

[whichwayisup]

I tried, I truly did and held on for a very long time. I'm weak, I have failed.

 

I don't understand why you feel sorry for my H. His problems are all self-inflicted. He puts the food in his mouth. He chooses to destroy himself. He chooses his addiction to overeating over me.

 

My part is in accepting his problems for so long. I don't know if it is pity I feel as much as what's expected of me, duty or whatever it is.

 

And here I sit, miserable, guilty and can't sleep in the middle of the night because of his snoring, yet again.

 

Go sleep on the couch or in the guest bedroom if you have one.

 

let me ask, what are you doing to get through to your husband that he needs help? Needs to go talk to his Dr, seek some form of counselling to help him too? I'm sure he's depressed and not happy with his weight and eating habits, and I'm betting he isn't happy in the marriage either.

 

Talk to him. Be honest!

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I really want to rip your head off for trying to justify your EA by pointing out your husband's deficiencies (as tough as they may be to deal with).

 

But I feel like you realize where you are at as far as that goes.

 

I only have one thing to say, and if followed by so many people on these boards, it would save many people heartache and pain. It would prevent decisions from being clouded and allow one to maintain their integrity no matter what choice they make...

 

You must completely end one relationship before beginning another!

 

This means no lunch, no walks to the car, no fantasizing about the OM.

 

If you choose to end your marriage, then so be it, just make sure to seperate and finalize the divorce completely before even thinking about pursuing other romantic relationships.

[Jeff1962]

It would be better to completely end your marriage if you are this unhappy, especially before you begin another relationship.

 

Get some counseling for yourself if you do not want MC. If you end your marriage and don't fix yourself before entering into another relationship, you will only drag your issues along with you.

 

I would highly suggest that you talk to this OM and explain to him what your exact intentions are and then give him some space. Stay away from him so that both of you can really think and so that you can end your marriage ambically. If this OM really feels for you, then he will wait for you until you are free and clear.

 

Also tell your H. your exact intentions to end the marriage and be firm, if this is truly what you want.

[kakui215]

This is a tough situation, but however hard it is now, you really can end up in a better place, whether or not that means you continue in your marriage or not.

 

First, I'll borrow one thing from my own situation. I've been through some rough times with my wife over the past few years, and though we haven't solved all our problems, there are now a lot more good days than bad, and that is something to celebrate. One of the keys, however, is something that should have been much more obvious to both of us a long time ago: SLEEP! For far too many years, we have both gotten too little sleep. At times, I've had trouble remembering the last time I got more than 4 hours in a night, but I could remember many nights with 2 or 3 hours. My wife has also had many, many nights with 3-4 hours of sleep. When she makes for that, it's usually to sleep 6 or 7 hours on a Friday-Saturday. Trying to make up for lack of sleep during the week can help, but it never replaces consistently getting the rest we need daily. In her case -- and mine -- just 6-7 hours one night a week when the other nights are 3 or 4 hours doesn't even come close to compensating.

 

I'm going on about this because recently, we have finally noticed how that lack of sleep affects our attempts to deal with the problems between us. It's hard enough as is to keep one's emotions under control while trying to discuss sensitive issues -- or even while trying to understand those issues and examine possible solutions on one's own. With the lack of sleep, we're each on edge just about all the time, so even minor problems can seem much bigger than they really are -- and the big issues just seem impossible and it then becomes much more tempting for each of us to want to throw up our hands and give up.

 

I don't know how if your husband is getting the rest he needs, but in these posts and your others (under “Leave obese husband?”), you’ve mentioned your lack of sleep as a real problem for you. I strongly recommend that you deal with that now before you make any major decisions. See your doctor about it, and tell your husband that you must do all you can to make sure you’re getting some good healthy sleep. Otherwise, your physical and mental health can suffer to such a degree that dealing with anything else in any sort of rational way will not be possible. If you’ve got to take drugs to help you sleep, so be it (though only under your doctor’s supervision, of course). If you’ve got to move into a different room of your house, so be it. If you even have to spend at least some other nights at the home of a friend or relative, then that’s just what you’ll have to do. (I guess I don’t need to add that the home of a certain friend, however, is out of the question, right?!) My point is that you must do whatever is necessary to make sure that your mental health is in the best shape possible in order for you to deal with the serious issue of your husband’s condition and your own feelings about it.

 

The same advice for sleep goes for your husband too, but at 400 lbs., he needs the supervision of a doctor (or, more likely, doctors) as much as anyone.

 

I don’t mean to exaggerate the importance of this issue, but I can say from personal experience that even though it’s still really, really hard for my wife and I to deal with our problems, more sleep has made a big difference in our ability to avoid becoming quick to anger or sinking into depression. We’re still far from getting consistently good nights of sleep, but we’re gradually getting better. When we at least wait to try to discuss problems following even one good night, we are much more able to discuss problems calmly and understand each other better.

[crazyjd]

I was married for 20 years and cheated on my wife. I told her about 10 months ago. We are working through it. Here is the deal. Marriage is forever, not until you get tired of it. It takes work and commitment. Ok, so you feel something for this OM and you kissed him, tell you H. He needs to know and if he is willing, the two of you need to fix things. Again, it takes work. If both of you aren't willing to work at it, it won't happen. My wife and I need to work every day. She is still very, very mad at what I did. She still doesn't trust me for anything, oh well. I have it coming. Some day, she may trust me again. Our marriage is building stronger and stronger every day. This is your H you are talking about, not a BF or BFF... Your H, you know, till death do you part.... Look, deal with what you have done and move on. Tell the OM that it is over. You can get back you feelings for your husband. Read a book called, "Night Light" with him. It takes 6 months to go through together. Only a page a night. What is 6 months of working to see if you can have a lifetime of happiness with the man that you wanted to spend forever with.....

[crazyjd]

Sorry, I didn't read your other posts. I still hold true that you need to stop with the OM.... With regards to your H, Tell him, he either gets better or you seperate... There is a big difference between seperation and divorce or cheating. Just because you are having issues in your marriage does not make it ok to cheat... But hey, you already knew that, didn't you... Anyways. I do understand how you are feeling but before I start talking about something I know nothing about, here is another book I would suggest for you to check out and your H doesn't even have to read it. It's called Boundries. It is a quick read and really helped my wife and I on many different subjects. Good luck and God Bless....

[just_some_guy]

I would like to point out, no one CHOOSES an addiction, and no one chooses it over anyone else.

 

That right there is a line of BS.

 

Addicts may not choose whether they are addicts or not, but how to deal with it is 100% CHOICE.

 

No one can decide whether they get cancer and whether they survive it or not.

 

But an addict gets to CHOOSE whether to drink, drug, shop, screw or in this case eat his life away to the destruction of those around him.

 

 

Having said that, I can see where you would want to go outside the marriage for emotional support. Being with an addict is one of the toughest things.

But by going away from the marriage is not the healthiest/wisest choice.

You need to fill your void/need for emotion with your own self. Have respect for who you and not act on deception.

 

By creating this internal drama with an affair is just keeping what you need to face about your life in a box, locked away.

 

My suggestion, get some therapy for both of you.

Does he admit he's an addict and has he ever been for help with it?

 

Therapy to what end?

 

From reading her posts, I think she's ready to end it, not work on it. The only question is what is holding her back? Guilt? Fear of the unknown? Money? Fear of being lonely?

 

Besides, I'm not even entirely sure that food can be an "addiction" in the sense that booze and drugs are. Nor am I sure that sex can be an "addiction" either.

[SimplyBeingLoved]

I would like to point out, no one CHOOSES an addiction, and no one chooses it over anyone else.

 

Having said that, I can see where you would want to go outside the marriage for emotional support. Being with an addict is one of the toughest things.

 

Of course people choose addictions. Not consciously, perhaps, but a continual choice is made every day to indulge.

 

If you don't think people choose addictions, then you should equally say people don't choose to get involved in affairs (which also have addictive qualities). Most people here would say people CHOOSE to be in affairs. Likewise, people do choose to overeat, overdrink, or whatever compulsory activity they do over and over again.

[cuppa]

Kakui215, you are exactly correct. Sleep + healthy eating habits + exercise daily.

 

Last year, from April - late October, I was under 3 - 4 hours sleep a day. From August - October, I kept having nightmares & got angry and I probably slept 2 hours a day. I coulnd't even take a nap.

 

I had quite a temper, easily irritated, followed by sadness, then meltdown. Now, I exercise daily, eat healthy, and seeing a therapist, I sleep about 7 - 8 hours a day. People notice the difference, how calm I've become and not to mention, better skin and I no longer had crazy puffy/dark circle underneath my eyes. I am just a much happier person these days I think. I used to have an urge to cheat or had some kind of fantasy or crazy thought to start an affair (and I'm not lacking an opportunity to do so) but now I feel stronger that my decision is simply:

 

Am I happier to be alone or Am I happier being married?.

 

Not sure if OP has the issue but it comes down to that in order for us to make any major decision, we need to HEAL ourselves first. Don't make hasty decision when emotion is high & raw, esp in the throes of passions from the affair where everything is so new & exciting.

[Clep]

I have a few questions....

 

What is your husband doing about his food addiction? Is he going to OA or anything?

 

What do you feel your role should be in his addiction?

 

How do you feel about yourself when you are cheating?

 

Why can you not be sexually intimate with your husband?

 

Why do you go to an IC. What is it you feel is unhealthy in yourself?

 

What is lacking in your marriage, and what have you done about it thus far to fix it?