i'm so glad we're friends

[e.clipse]

"thanks for being so nice, you're so great. i'm really glad we're friends."

 

he is so, so great. he makes me feel alive again. i really like him. but. but . . . there is always a but, eh? but he is still in love with his ex-girlfriend. i know this, because he told me. he tells me. he tells me a lot about her, and i say nothing. at least, nothing about how i feel about him.

 

he always tells me i am "so nice," and playfully says, "man, i really like you," when i do or say something he likes . . . but . . . but, but, but . . . he likes me as just a friend. a friend who he likes to sleep with.

 

she is coming back home to visit next month. this makes him sad. and it makes me sad. but i try to just be supportive; i know he's hurting.

 

he is going to see her.

 

he loves her.

 

****. i finally develop actual feelings for someone, and i'm . . . just a nice friend, nothing more.

 

sigh.

[burning 4 revenge]

I think its good that you finally had sex with someone new, but I wouldnt make a habit of being FWB

 

Thats not your style and its only going to hurt you

[Citizen Erased]

I agree with b4r...you're not the type and you are going to get hurt if you continue with this guy. You already like him, he's still in love with his ex...

[e.clipse]

i know, but i'm so confused!

 

we talk every day. during the day, we talk through text or IM and he always calls me at night and we talk for hours. i've hung out with him several times and we actually go places and do things together . . . and i don't mean just sex. it's fun. it's...it's something i had not experienced in a long, long time.

 

when we talk, it's not sexual. he actually asks me about my day and seems to show genuine interest . . . until his ex comes into the conversation.

 

**** dude, this sucks. i am such a dumbass. why am i still talking to him?!

[burning 4 revenge]

Well you could stay friends with him and roll the dice, but if I were you I would take sex off the table for your own emotional well being unless you think you can take it if he decides not to go your way

[whichwayisup]

He does like you, enjoys your company, cares about you, and is probably abit emotionally attached to you, but he is still inlove with his ex.

 

Shield your heart! It's really hard to be friends with someone you have feelings for and can't have.

 

Maybe it's time to distance yourself and do some detaching from him. He's been honest and nice about his feelings, and he isn't/hasn't led you on, so don't hold out hope for him.

 

He needs to let go of his ex, sort out his feelings before something can ever happen between you two on a serious level.

[e.clipse]

well...

 

i guess this thread is pretty irrelevant now, after i got super, super wasted last night.

 

i swear i was wasted beyond belief, and guess what i did? yup. i called him. i don't really remember what i said, but i remember i was just crying and crying at one point. today, i checked my calls/messages (oh the horror...), and apparently i called him, talked to him for a while, he called me back, then i sent him a text asking him to please pick me up.

 

so, he drove the 30 minutes (or more, really, because i had no ****ing clue where i was) and picked me up.

 

and i was just crying and crying and being the biggest bitch ever. i think at one point i jumped out of the car and wouldn't get back in. i swear, my behavior was ABOMINABLE!!

 

at some point, i apologized to him. i think. no, yes i did. i don't remember what he said, really, just something about how i had really hurt his feelings and how he was shocked at how i was behaving.

 

i kept him in the car until 6:30 a.m. i think we had sex. i'm not sure, but i think we did. no, yes, we did, i remember now.

 

after we did, uh...i think he said he had to go (it was already 6:00 or so a.m.), so i kept trying to give him directions. i think he sounded frustrated. at some point, i think i tried to kiss him, and i think he was hesitant. actually, i think this happened 2 or 3 times last night (him being hesitant to let me kiss him), but i may be making it up because i still feel a little bit drunk.

 

oh! i told him to call me when he got home, to make sure he made it safely...but as soon as i crawled inside the house i passed out like the biggest drunk ever. this morning i noticed he sent me a text saying he had made it home and was going to sleep.

 

i have not replied because i am beyond embarrassed.

 

way to go, e.clipse, talk about ****ing **** up.

[bluewolf17]

I'm sorry to hear this! You will get over last night. We have all done something crazy like that at one point.

 

I don't know you that well E.Clipse, but it doesn't sound like you are okay settling for friends when you want more.

 

So what are you going to do about it?

[e.clipse]

thanks, blue.

 

i guess, in a way, it doesn't matter what i want to do because after my stupid stunts of last night, why the bloody hell would he still talk to me?

 

so, i'm sure he is not going to anymore...which makes me really, really, really sad...but that's what i get for being such an alcoholic.

[xpaperxcutx]

thanks, blue.

 

i guess, in a way, it doesn't matter what i want to do because after my stupid stunts of last night, why the bloody hell would he still talk to me?

 

so, i'm sure he is not going to anymore...which makes me really, really, really sad...but that's what i get for being such an alcoholic.

 

E don't blame yourself. Maybe acting drunk and crazy is your way of pushing him away since you are well aware of the fact that he doesn't want to be more with you.

 

You're charming and gorgeous ( I think I saw a pic of you once) and you want to be in a healthy relationship where the guy can reciprocate.

 

Take his silence as your exit to remove yourself from the pain you're feeling.

[In_Repair]

I don't think it's time to break away and run, but more of an opportunity to start some really open dialect. He was surprised at how you were acting, not repulsed or annoyed. Maybe he needed something extreme to wake him up to the problem. He is obviously attracted to you, interested in spending time with you, and he cares for you. He might just be confused and thinks that he is still in love with his ex, and he needs you to make him see that he already has everything he needs in a woman.

Edited February 11, 2010 by In_Repair
typo

[xpaperxcutx]

I don't think it's time to break away and run, but more of an opportunity to start some really open dialect. He was surprised at how you were acting, not repulsed or annoyed. Maybe he needed something extreme to wake him up to the problem. He is obviously attracted to you, interested in spending time with you, and he cares for you. He might just be confused and thinks that he is still in love with his ex, and he needs you to make him see that he already has everything he needs in a woman.

 

I would think that would be manipulative on E's part. She would be staying with him for the simple fact that he " might " come around.

 

If she has that kind of patience to wait for someone who's that uncertain about a relationship, wouldn't she be better off breaking away? After all, knowing the person she likes likes an ex isn't something that she can easily brush and pretend it's nothing.

[e.clipse]

i feel like my liver is going to ooze out of my ears.

 

i now remembered why i called him! it was already about 12am, and i had not heard from him since earlier that day (about 1pm), and i started to think, "why hasn't he said anything to me? he probably doesn't want to talk to me anymore or maybe is too busy with his ex."

 

i also remember that, at one point, while i was crying, he kept asking me what was wrong...to tell him. of course i didn't. and so, he got fed up and said something like, "fine, i don't even care anymore." when he said that, i leaned in and hugged and apologized to him. i don't remember if he hugged me back, but i said something like, "i just don't want to lose you." he looked confused by that, so i said it again. ****, i wish i could remember what he said...

 

and then i apologized again, saying i was very sorry, and he replied with something like, "i know you are." and then i asked how i could make it better. i think he said, "i don't know." and then i started making out with him. and then we had sex, which he seemed to enjoy. when that was over, i started to tell him which way to go to get home. he seemed irritated. probably because it was 6 in the morning.

 

i think i tried to kiss him a couple of times after, but he seemed reluctant. i think he kissed me back, but it was like he was hesitant. but i could be wrong.

 

omg. i feel so terrible. i want to apologize (when i am sober)...but i don't know if i should. should i? i'm scared to call him. maybe i should email him.

 

maybe i should just run for the hills. i guess i just want to know if he is still wants to talk to me, not because he/i/we should, but just so that things don't "end" this way.

[D-Lish]

I think your guy has genuine feelings for you- let's face it, who would drive 30min out of their way to go pick someone up at midnight.

 

I've been there, done that in terms of the messy drunk stuff. I did it with the last guy I dated. I had a habit of playing aloof and cool while we were dating, then busting out the emotional stuff when drunk. He never punished me for it. He was prone to leaving me drunken 4am messages on my voicemail after we broke up- so he had messy moments too.

 

Honestly, I think it's really uncool to be having sex with someone and then lean on them as a therapist for their break up. That's something you shouldn't be keeping to yourself. It must be frustrating to have to listen to that and pretend you are cool with it when it's tearing you up inside.

 

I'd simply apologize for the drunken evening and then leave it at that.

 

Your guy doesn't seem like a typical "player". It's obviously not all about sex for him if he's engaging in friendship activities with you.

 

I think you have to talk to him, be honest, and tell him you can't continue with things the way things stand now. If he's still in love with his ex, he has to work through that, and he has to do that without your help.

 

You aren't being fair to yourself by remaining entangled with him when he is emotionally invested in someone else.

[melodymatters]

OH, Big hugs Eclipse !!!

 

I pretty much agree with everybody above: You are not the FWB type, nor does it suit you, look at your own example above !

 

..... And, that you deserve better, AND, that you shouldn't beat yourself up over this one drunken " truth coming out" episode !!!

 

When I was mourning my H's death this summer in NY, who saw a car with FL plates and came to my rescue ? The same dude I dated nearly 20 yrs ago, and sent many a stupid letter to and caused dramatic scenes with !

 

I actually found transcripts and a journal about this guy when going through my old things, and MAN was I embarrased !

 

But life went on, we both grew up, and to this day are some of each others favorite friends !

 

Just take care of YOU, be honest about what YOU need. Man up when it was you who made a bad call, or acted like an idiot, but do that and move ON, don't let anyone make you feel worse.

 

You are in charge of your own little baby pirate ship, long may it sail !

 

Love you,

mel

[e.clipse]

aww, thank you so much, everyone!!

 

I had a habit of playing aloof and cool while we were dating, then busting out the emotional stuff when drunk.

 

this is a huge problem i have. i act all cool and laid back with him, and look what happens when i get ****faced.

 

ugh, i still feel very hung over. my god. i don't know why i drank such hideous amounts.

 

anyway, ahhh!!! i keep looking at my phone, hoping he will text me something, but he doesn't.

 

i know that this isn't good for me, as i've never been one to engage in FWB type of relationships, but i really like him. and i can't get it out of my stupid head that because i like him, i want to spend time with him, even if he is in love with her. why? maybe because one day he will like me too. but WTF kind of doormat thought is that?!

 

i can't believe i said, "i don't want to lose you." omg, can he not see that i'm totally in like with him?! this is terrible because i already see myself falling in love with him easily. i already like him a lot. i can't even stop thinking about him!

 

yesterday, he took me a cupcake. a cupcake because for the past week, it had been the inside joke that cupcakes are what are to be eaten when one is sad. i told him i wanted one, but when i went over to his place last Friday, we forgot...so, the next day, he said he would save one for me.

 

...and he took it to me last night. but, in my drunkeness, i think i said i didn't want it. he also gave me his sweater because i was shivering. and he actually went to go get me when i jumped out of the car and started to walk back home.

 

at one point he said, "Get in the car!!" in a somewhat stern voice, and i yelled, "Don't you yell at me too!" to which he apologized...

 

it's unbelievable how emotionally damage i am from pp.

 

and it's unbelievable how much i like this guy.

 

i want to call him to apologize, but i am too chicken.

[alphamale]

****. i finally develop actual feelings for someone, and i'm . . . just a nice friend, nothing more.

 

sigh.

thats a shame e.clipse

[Ariadne]

but. but . . . there is always a but, eh? but he is still in love with his ex-girlfriend. i know this, because he told me. he tells me. he tells me a lot about her, and i say nothing.

 

Ehh...

 

You are too awesome.

 

It will be easy for him to fall in love with you before he knows it.

 

Good luck with this guy.

[Ariadne]

i don't remember what he said, really, just something about how i had really hurt his feelings and how he was shocked at how i was behaving.

 

 

Well, at least you guys are getting to know each other.

 

That´s cool.

[D-Lish]

You're human, as as a result, you are going to make mistakes. I personally don't gravitate towards people that give the impression of being perfect all the time. There are some deal breakers with regard to the specific mistakes people in relationships make- but getting drunk and opening up about feelings isn't necessarily one of them (as long as you don't make a habit about it).

 

As much as you like him, he's got some major stuff to come to terms with regarding his ex.

 

When somebody tells you they are still in love with thier ex, and you agree to sleep with them and listen to their problems- you are demeaning your worth as a potential partner.

 

That's why I think you have to say "no" to this. He doesn't have to think about losing you, because you've been agreeable thus far. At this point in time, in order to elevate yourself from an option to the prize- I truly do believe you need to tell him you are walking.

 

I remember after I left my ex H and was still in love with him, I met a guy and dated him for a time being. He was awesome, and I took that for granted as I pined for my ex. When the guy I was dating decided to walk because he didn't want to be second choice- I all of a sudden found myself thinking about him more than my ex. When I saw I could lose him, I actually began focusing on losing him, and started realizing I didnt' want to lose him. If he hadn't of walked- I wouldn't have changed anything...Just food for thought.

[Johnny M]

E don't blame yourself.

Don't blame herself?? Who then is she supposed to blame? The Devil? Society? At least she is adult enough to own up to her actions and admit that she did something dumb.

 

Maybe acting drunk and crazy is your way of pushing him away since you are well aware of the fact that he doesn't want to be more with you.

You don't need to get drunk and act irratically in order to end a relationship....not if you are psychologically stable, anyway.

 

My suggestion to the OP is as follows: call him up when you are sober (and I mean call, not text or email), apologize for your behavior again, and explain what triggered it (your feelings for him). At the very least, this will allow you to part on good terms. If you just stop talking to him because you are too embarrassed because of what happened, I can guarantee that this little episode will remain a source of shame for many years to come.

[e.clipse]

There are some deal breakers with regard to the specific mistakes people in relationships make- but getting drunk and opening up about feelings isn't necessarily one of them (as long as you don't make a habit about it).

 

so, if someone you were "friends" with (and had just met...and were sleeping with...ha) called you at 12am, audibly drunk, and asked you to pick them up, you would?

 

what would you do then, if after driving 30 minutes, this "friend" acts crazy--crying uncontrollably without explaining why, being mean (ie: "don't touch me! you don't even care, you just met me, so just stop it!" when trying to hug them), jumping out of a car and starting to run off into the darkness...? would you accept their apology? or would you think them a psycho and cease contact?

 

sigh. and that's worse, D, is that i wasn't even talking about my feelings! the closes thing was when i hugged him and said, "I don't want to lose you." but other than that, i was just crying and was not telling him why.

 

As much as you like him, he's got some major stuff to come to terms with regarding his ex.

 

i know. she's dumb. she doesn't know how lucky she is.

 

When somebody tells you they are still in love with thier ex, and you agree to sleep with them and listen to their problems- you are demeaning your worth as a potential partner.

 

 

 

It will be easy for him to fall in love with you before he knows it.

 

omg, Ariadne, that would be the most amazing thing ever! it's just that he is so great. so, so, so great. he is so funny, intelligent, kind, attentive, talented, gentle . . . he is all i could ever want in a guy. i mean, he is just so amazing.

 

there is just something about him that is so captivating. maybe his music has something to do with it, i don't know, but man . . .

 

every time i hear he is sad because of his ex, my heart breaks a little bit, partly because it reminds me she is the one in his heart and partly because i don't want him to be sad.

 

gosh, i like him so, so much . . . i never thought i could like someone so much and so quickly.

 

My suggestion to the OP is as follows: call him up when you are sober (and I mean call, not text or email), apologize for your behavior again, and explain what triggered it (your feelings for him). At the very least, this will allow you to part on good terms. If you just stop talking to him because you are too embarrassed because of what happened, I can guarantee that this little episode will remain a source of shame for many years to come.

 

i know calling and apologizing is the right thing to do, not emailing. but to be honest, i am scared that he is purposely not going to answer. i would just feel really bad. i guess it's the same with email, but at least i won't know that his phone is ringing and that he is looking at it, choosing not to answer.

 

plus, i don't want to annoy him. i feel like i already must be so crazy to him!

 

maybe i should go to sleep or something. i keep looking at my phone, wishing he'd say something...but there's nothing there.

[soulm8]

Don't contact him! Let him wonder about you, please! Go to sleep

[Ariadne]

omg, Ariadne, that would be the most amazing thing ever! it's just that he is so great. so, so, so great. he is so funny, intelligent, kind, attentive, talented, gentle . . . he is all i could ever want in a guy. i mean, he is just so amazing.

 

Well, that´s a good thing.

 

It´s not like you are getting to know him and being disappointed. Plus, you needed that after the pp guy.

 

Suerte!

[tigressA]

I think your guy has genuine feelings for you- let's face it, who would drive 30min out of their way to go pick someone up at midnight.

 

Friends do those sorts of things for each other. Just because it's an opposite-sex friendship/FWB situation doesn't mean that deeds like that have any deeper meaning, ie, romantic feelings behind them. Example: I posted several threads about a former FWB here on LS after finally confessing my feelings for him after I pined for him for over 2 years. In the fall of 2007 after I had a really traumatic episode, I called my ex-FWB, unable to complete a sentence, and he dropped everything--hanging out with his then-girlfriend, and finishing a project that was due for his next-day 8 A.M. class--to come to my house and comfort me until 3 A.M.