silverfish Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Not really. I am opposed to children being born out of wedlock. How can you be opposed to children? What do you propose should be done about it? I bet you're opposed to abortion too right? So what if your birth control fails and your 'great boyfriend' runs out on you? Do you oppose yourself then?
greatgirlfriend Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 How can you be opposed to children? What do you propose should be done about it? I bet you're opposed to abortion too right? So what if your birth control fails and your 'great boyfriend' runs out on you? Do you oppose yourself then? No, I don't oppose children or abortion. And yes, I realize there are men who run. However, men who never married the mother are scum to me and no I wouldn't date them. They'd do the same to me. Out of wedlock children are the reason morals in this country are awful. Many people think this is fine, well I don't. As for the guy I'm dating (assuming you mean him), well he doesn't believe in rushing into sex because he believes it's sacred. I doubt he'd run off, and if that happened, I'd tell his mother (who desperately wants a grandchild).
bluewolf17 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 OP- what type of dating do you do? Is it mostly online, or do you get set up on dates..or are these guys you have met? I'm sorry you are having a tough time. Someone else wrote it here..don't get worked up over men who disregard you due to your children. They have their reasons which are valid to them, and you deserve someone who will love your entire package!
silverfish Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 No, I don't oppose children or abortion. And yes, I realize there are men who run. However, men who never married the mother are scum to me and no I wouldn't date them. They'd do the same to me. Out of wedlock children are the reason morals in this country are awful. Many people think this is fine, well I don't. As for the guy I'm dating (assuming you mean him), well he doesn't believe in rushing into sex because he believes it's sacred. I doubt he'd run off, and if that happened, I'd tell his mother (who desperately wants a grandchild). I don't know about morals in your country, but I'd be willing to bet that if the whole judgmental scene that goes on in here sometimes is representative of it, then that would be ONE of the reasons morals are awful. Fair enough for your choices - I don't agree with them for the record, but I respect you for them & will try not to be judgmental. However, if you are a Christian (I'm assuming that's the reason you are celibate) then you should live by those values and respect your fellow humans, and try not to look down on them. I don't think mothers can force their sons to get married either....you don't know what's going to happen to you in the future yet.
Silver_star Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 personally i think that you can be a great mother and still make time for yourself. I dont think that once you give birth you lose your individuality, and soley become a mother. You are two things at once. A mother who cares unconditionally for her children and their wellbeing, and a woman who is strong and still has her own life and well-being to think about as well. It wouldnt be healthy to be unhappy around your children. I appluad you for doing the best thing for your children by leaving your marriage. I am young, and my mother had me and my sister at a young age. Our father ran off. It was tough, but i still have a man in my life i can call my father because she met someone who understood her and loved her, and valued her strength, and loved her children too. I think that you can find love again OP. I think that you need to look in different places though. try online dating, or just be more receptive to men you might not have considerred. I dont mean lower your "standards" but yyou need to really investigate what you want out of a partner and get out there and let that be known.
greatgirlfriend Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I don't know about morals in your country, but I'd be willing to bet that if the whole judgmental scene that goes on in here sometimes is representative of it, then that would be ONE of the reasons morals are awful. Fair enough for your choices - I don't agree with them for the record, but I respect you for them & will try not to be judgmental. However, if you are a Christian (I'm assuming that's the reason you are celibate) then you should live by those values and respect your fellow humans, and try not to look down on them. I don't think mothers can force their sons to get married either....you don't know what's going to happen to you in the future yet. I am in the USA, and no I'm not a right wing Christian. I just happen to think the whole system of unwed parents is disgusting and it repulses me how people have kids we pay for. Kids deserve two parents. We reward people for terrible choices. No, I don't know the future, which is why I am not sleeping with him (his choice btw). When we do sleep together, condoms will be used. If others lived like this, then there'd be less children out of wedlock.
Jaytb Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 well OP, in dating there's a lot of things that people get nexted for, some of which is ridiculously arbitrary, like being a short guy or being a single mom. I guess the best way out is to not focus on your disadvantages and instead build a positive image of yourself to put forth. If a guy doesn't like to date a single mom, then that's just the way it is, and then again he is just not right for you.
soulm8 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 It wouldnt be healthy to be unhappy around your children. I applaud you for doing the best thing for your children by leaving your marriage. I absolutely agree with this statement in more ways than one. It takes courage and strength to end an unhealthy marriage, especially when children are involved. Many people stay for the security and lack of confidence in themselves. It also takes great courage, strength and confidence to pursue finding love again. Finding that love we *thought* we'd found. Healthy humans seek love and companionship. I choose to date divorced fathers because they DO tend to share an understanding and level of maturity that is only learned from having experienced the pain and shame associated with divorce. My opinion is in the minority, but I honestly feel MORE valuable to men NOW that I am divorced because I've "been there, done that" and learned so much about myself in the process. I respect the desire/preference for experiencing "firsts" and embrace my "package" for what it is. It's definitely not baggage!
silverfish Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I am in the USA, and no I'm not a right wing Christian. I just happen to think the whole system of unwed parents is disgusting and it repulses me how people have kids we pay for. Kids deserve two parents. We reward people for terrible choices. No, I don't know the future, which is why I am not sleeping with him (his choice btw). When we do sleep together, condoms will be used. If others lived like this, then there'd be less children out of wedlock. Well....condoms break, and no birth control is foolproof. I'm not going to comment further because I don't think bringing your views into this thread is relevant
greatgirlfriend Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Of course no birth control is 100% so that's why people should wait for awhile.
silverfish Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I absolutely agree with this statement in more ways than one. It takes courage and strength to end an unhealthy marriage, especially when children are involved. Many people stay for the security and lack of confidence in themselves. It also takes great courage, strength and confidence to pursue finding love again. Finding that love we *thought* we'd found. Healthy humans seek love and companionship. I choose to date divorced fathers because they DO tend to share an understanding and level of maturity that is only learned from having experienced the pain and shame associated with divorce. My opinion is in the minority, but I honestly feel MORE valuable to men NOW that I am divorced because I've "been there, done that" and learned so much about myself in the process. I respect the desire/preference for experiencing "firsts" and embrace my "package" for what it is. It's definitely not baggage! I agree with this. No one has no 'baggage' whatsoever in their life. TBH, if you fall in love, you fall in love...it's just getting there and meeting like minded people that seems to be the problem. It does sound a little harder - there are some extreme views on here that are a bit concerning. Considering that divorce rates are about the same in the US as in the UK (around 50%), there must be a lot of separated / divorced people around who could be looking for a date.
soulm8 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Considering that divorce rates are about the same in the US as in the UK (around 50%), there must be a lot of separated / divorced people around who could be looking for a date. Yes, and you have to be on guard as to whether or not you're seeking the same outcome. There are plenty of divorced people seeking casual sex because they're now afraid of relationships.
phineas Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Yes, and you have to be on guard as to whether or not you're seeking the same outcome. There are plenty of divorced people seeking casual sex because they're now afraid of relationships. I wouldn't say i'm afraid, just reluctant to give up my refound freedom.
soulm8 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Reluctance is definitely the best term for it and understandable for having been cheated on.
silverfish Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Yes, and you have to be on guard as to whether or not you're seeking the same outcome. There are plenty of divorced people seeking casual sex because they're now afraid of relationships. I think that's possibly true. I have noticed that happening but I also agree with the poster above about being wary of giving up your new found freedom. That doesn't mean you're in a different position to anyone else who has had a previous relationship though, and not just separated / divorced parents. You can still have the *freedom* side of things in other areas of your life...new friends, maybe a new job, more time for yourself to do things you enjoy. I think once you have the *new found freedom* side sorted, without trying to find that in a new relationship, then the love will follow, but that applies to anyone single really
stevejohnson1976 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I know I'm late to the 'party' here, but I'll give you my 2 cents. I'm one of these guys you seem to be encountering. Once I see/hear the person has kids, there isnt anything they can do really.... that would make me even give it a second thought of going out on a date. Why? I'm not sure. Too much baggage maybe... I know its not fair, but when given the choice, I think men would rather not have to deal with it if they don't have to.
stillafool Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Polksaladannie, have you tried meeting up with single fathers? I think they could understand what you are going through and be a great match.
Wakely Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Sigh. I need to vent. I am so sick of feeling like I should apologize for being a single mother. Ten years ago I got married and had two children. I thought I was doing the "right" thing. Well, the marriage did not work out and now I am a single mother. And I honestly feel that a convicted murderer stands a better chance of finding a date than me. I am an attractive and kind person. I am a good mother who goes beyond her duty. I work full time and volunteer in the community. And because I have the label of "mother" attached to me along with "woman", "my professional title", "volunteer", etc., no one seems to want me. The whole situation is getting old. I love my children. They are great kids. But, damn, I am getting a little frustrated with people seeing that label and then immediately sweeping me and what I could offer in a relationship under the rug:( sorry your kids are cramping your style.
soulm8 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I have noticed that happening but I also agree with the poster above about being wary of giving up your new found freedom. That doesn't mean you're in a different position to anyone else who has had a previous relationship though, and not just separated / divorced parents. I actually disagree! Having to go through a divorce is the ultimate "betrayal" - we married thinking we'd found true love. That's a bit more serious than the end of a relationship in my opinion. Add children and a broken family to the "betrayal" and it's just not the same. It makes it hard to trust again.
Wakely Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I know I'm late to the 'party' here, but I'll give you my 2 cents. I'm one of these guys you seem to be encountering. Once I see/hear the person has kids, there isnt anything they can do really.... that would make me even give it a second thought of going out on a date. Why? I'm not sure. Too much baggage maybe... I know its not fair, but when given the choice, I think men would rather not have to deal with it if they don't have to. How is that unfair? It is what it is. Do you also think it's "unfair" of you (or anyone) to not give an obese woman a chance, because you're not attracted to her?
silverfish Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I know I'm late to the 'party' here, but I'll give you my 2 cents. I'm one of these guys you seem to be encountering. Once I see/hear the person has kids, there isnt anything they can do really.... that would make me even give it a second thought of going out on a date. Why? I'm not sure. Too much baggage maybe... I know its not fair, but when given the choice, I think men would rather not have to deal with it if they don't have to. Thats your choice. You don't have to be fair or PC when deciding who to date, anymore than anyone else does. There are certain preferences that I have that have caused me to reject someone outright. There are men that fee differently though, and a few have posted here, so it's not all men that feel that way
Wakely Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I don't think the issue here is (or should be) that the OP is a single parent. I think the issue is the OP's attitude about the fact that she is a single parent.
silverfish Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I actually disagree! Having to go through a divorce is the ultimate "betrayal" - we married thinking we'd found true love. That's a bit more serious than the end of a relationship in my opinion. Add children and a broken family to the "betrayal" and it's just not the same. It makes it hard to trust again. But not trusting again is not the issue the OP raised. If the OP or anyone coming out of a bad relationship is not ready to date, that's different. All I'm saying is, if you date someone after divorce, then it's likely your new BF / GF will have their own baggage from previous relationships as well, and you have to respect that it matters to them as much as yours does to you. I think that's what OnlyJake meant by the *baggage* putting them off. I wouldn't be too happy if I was in a relationship with someone who had issues that were more 'important' to them than my own, simply because they had been cheated on, dumped, got divorced and so on. Its not fair to anyone new to bring past relationship issues to the table when you start dating them, which is why you need to leave as much time as you need before considering dating again.
silverfish Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I don't think the issue here is (or should be) that the OP is a single parent. I think the issue is the OP's attitude about the fact that she is a single parent. Possibly...it does seem to be a huge issue for some reason, so can't say I blame her.
Wakely Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Possibly...it does seem to be a huge issue for some reason, so can't say I blame her. I think life is what you make, and same goes for dating. I think that we make our own happiness, and complaining or lamenting about the unfairness of things, or twisting something into a victim mentality is not a good way of dealing with things. It certainly does not lead to happiness or contentment. One of my friends is a single mom; she doesn't have custody of her children, and she has no problems getting dates. She does, however, have trouble keeping boyfriends, and I think the reason is that deep down she sees her children, and her status as a mother, as detrimental to her future happiness, dating life, future marriage, and so on. She loves her children, but sees them as a burden ("no one wants to date me because I already have kids"), and this attitude really turns guys off. They don't care that she's a mother. They care that she has such a ****ty attitude about it.
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