Warning-vent ahead

[polksaladannie]

I think that single parents should think very carefully about further disrupting their children's lives with strings of random men, making them feel inferior or secondary to their mother's boyfriends, etc. Single parents should think very carefully about the type of men (or women) they are bringing into contact with their children.

 

.

 

Can we stop with the stereotypes??? When I was negotiating my divorce I insisted that a clause be put in the final decree stating that neither partner could introduce a new sig other to the kids unless they had been in a relationship with said person more than 6 months. I am sure that many other single mothers out there have done like things. Oh, but wait....we are all helpless needy people looking for a way to pay the bills and take home random guys all the time....how could I forget?

[sagetalk]

Well, I personally think a divorced parent with kids is more moral than a never married with kids.

 

I think I could read that 100 times and still never get that sentence.

[meerkat stew]

I understand the reason for your rant. There are lots of assumptions a man makes about single mothers, and they are unfair. I have been guilty of them in my internet dating, but have also had relatively fine relationships with single moms.

 

I'm not one of those who feels that attention to children necessarily detracts from a relationship for the man, that part is nice actually, because I am a low maintenance relationship partner, and hope that the time a mom spends on her kids will be time that she doesn't worry or get insecure about our relationship. There are lots of men like me out there, you can find one.

 

Some of the single mother profiles on the internet literally scream out, "seeking college fund for my kids," where a woman who lists income at 35k has a preference of 150k+ in a date. Despite the fact that we know on one level that we are not responsible for some other man's children, we are still capable of forming the prejudice.

 

Please keep trying, dating of any type for mature adults is a minefield these days for everyone, moreso for single moms. It's not easy for anyone. I disagree that you should totally shelve your social life, and don't think other posters are suggesting that, just saying. All the single mothers I've dated have been excellent parents. One introduced me to her children too early, but even that one was not the type to have a parade of different men coming through her life.

[OnlyJake]

Fair enough if you think that, but I think the same should apply to the father as well then....unless by 'her' you mean the OP?

 

I don't think theres anything self absorbed about going out with someone on a date while your kids are staying overnight with the other parent.

 

The original question was why can't she get a date... I can't answer myself as I don't experience the prejudice over here that there appears to be in the US, but your comment.....

 

I think in general that people are too self-centered these days

 

Could have something to do with it why she's finding it hard to find a man interested in her.

 

I agree that people are more self absorbed these days, but protecting your children from the harsh realities of life (not too harsh obviously) is a sure fire way of making sure they grow up to be self centred. I've seen a few single parents make their children the centre of their universe, and turning them into spoilt brats. That would certainly put me off dating them

 

That's an excellent point, and again, I am not at all saying that I don't think single parents should never again date.

 

I'm not going to try to clarify any further (maybe later), as I'm apparently not being very clear on what point I'm trying to make, and the OP seems to be taking this personally (not meant) and getting upset/offended (not my intention).

 

Here's another perspective:

 

I will say that I personally would not even consider dating a single parent (I would rethink that statement were I single or divorced in 20 years) because I am young, attractive, have the same good qualities to offer that the OP does, and some others, so there is no reason I have to consider dating someone who comes with so much additional baggage, responsibility, and financial responsibility. I want my own family, and my own firsts with someone who will experiences those "firsts" with me. Perhaps the OP falls in an age range where she is meeting many men who feel the same way about this I do?

 

I don't think wanting one's own traditional family makes one self-centered.

[polksaladannie]

I will say that I personally would not even consider dating a single parent (I would rethink that statement were I single or divorced in 20 years) ?

 

.

 

The thing is, with divorce rates so high, it is quite likely that you might find yourself in the same situation someday.

[OnlyJake]

The thing is, with divorce rates so high, it is quite likely that you might find yourself in the same situation someday.

Maybe someday, but I'm currently dating men mid-20s to mid-30s and haven't had that be an "issue" yet.

 

Again, I'm not trying to offend you, and I really do feel for you.

[silverfish]

That's an excellent point, and again, I am not at all saying that I don't think single parents should never again date.

 

I'm not going to try to clarify any further (maybe later), as I'm apparently not being very clear on what point I'm trying to make, and the OP seems to be taking this personally (not meant) and getting upset/offended (not my intention).

 

Here's another perspective:

 

I will say that I personally would not even consider dating a single parent (I would rethink that statement were I single or divorced in 20 years) because I am young, attractive, have the same good qualities to offer that the OP does, and some others, so there is no reason I have to consider dating someone who comes with so much additional baggage, responsibility, and financial responsibility. I want my own family, and my own firsts with someone who will experiences those "firsts" with me. Perhaps the OP falls in an age range where she is meeting many men who feel the same way about this I do?

 

I don't think wanting one's own traditional family makes one self-centered.

 

This is also a great point. I think the dilemma is that if you meet someone with great qualities, as a single parent, then theres the very real chance that they will want their own family one day.

 

I think in that sense, it's easier for single mums than dads, because men aren't always as concerned with having a family as women. Some single men without kids seem to enjoy the advantages of spending time with the GFs children without the responsibility of fatherhood themselves.

 

There are a lot of DILFS out there if you look in the right places....McD's on a Sunday afternoon is good apparently

[txsilkysmoothe]

I want to date a man with a huge heart and that means a man who realizes that "he" will benefit from knowing my child. I would not be interested in any man who views a woman's child as baggage.

 

As is often the case, there is too much generalization. All divorced/single moms are not the same. I work, pay my own bills, am in great shape, my child is well behaved, respectful of adults and well adjusted. I think we all know some pretty wild or screwed up kids that come from two-parent households. Theoretically, those children are receiving double the parental time of children from single parent households so obviously parental "time" isn't what produces fine young adults. Children come first when their needs demand it, not every minute of their first 18 years. Good parenting is raising your child in preparation of adulthood. The ultimate goal is for them to lead a productive and happy life without you. A parent must instill within them the confidence and independence to do so.

 

As kids get older, they have their own social life, leaving mom alone on a fairly regular basis. Why shouldn't she date? I didn't start dating until my child was 10 and have never introduced her to a man. That will only occur after "I" really know him. And should I marry - we will be a family. My child will grow up and move out. He will be the one I live with forever.

 

Unless a man needs attention 24 hours a day, a mom has plenty of time to give him.

 

And consider this - a man (who won't date a woman with a child) is dating a woman with no child. Her sister and brother-in-law are killed leaving behind their only child. The woman is the only relative who can raise the child. Of course she will accept responsibility for her sister's child. Is her boyfriend going to leave her now? Will he stay but be resentful of the child? I've heard of cases where a husband was jealous of the time his wife gave to his "own" children.

 

Maybe single/divorced moms are the equivalent of the nice guy.........

[skydiveaddict]

The whole situation is getting old. I love my children. They are great kids. But, damn, I am getting a little frustrated with people seeing that label and then immediately sweeping me and what I could offer in a relationship under the rug:(

 

 

I was dumped four months ago by the "girl of my dreams". A single mother of two small, beautiful kids. Believe me, if guys are shutting you down over that, than they aren't worth a breath of your time. There ARE good men out there who aren't so childish and insecure. Heck, some of us even skydive! There's someone out there for you! Good luck to ya!

[OnlyJake]

I agree with you that children themselves are not baggage, and would even go so far as to say that people who view children as baggage are most likely very selfish.

 

However, more often than not, single parenthood is indicative of a failed relationship that is a whole seperate kind of baggage from the typical failed relationship that does not involve divorce or result in children.

 

I want to date a man with a huge heart and that means a man who realizes that "he" will benefit from knowing my child. I would not be interested in any man who views a woman's child as baggage.

 

As is often the case, there is too much generalization. All divorced/single moms are not the same. I work, pay my own bills, am in great shape, my child is well behaved, respectful of adults and well adjusted. I think we all know some pretty wild or screwed up kids that come from two-parent households. Theoretically, those children are receiving double the parental time of children from single parent households so obviously parental "time" isn't what produces fine young adults. Children come first when their needs demand it, not every minute of their first 18 years. Good parenting is raising your child in preparation of adulthood. The ultimate goal is for them to lead a productive and happy life without you. A parent must instill within them the confidence and independence to do so.

 

As kids get older, they have their own social life, leaving mom alone on a fairly regular basis. Why shouldn't she date? I didn't start dating until my child was 10 and have never introduced her to a man. That will only occur after "I" really know him. And should I marry - we will be a family. My child will grow up and move out. He will be the one I live with forever.

 

Unless a man needs attention 24 hours a day, a mom has plenty of time to give him.

 

And consider this - a man (who won't date a woman with a child) is dating a woman with no child. Her sister and brother-in-law are killed leaving behind their only child. The woman is the only relative who can raise the child. Of course she will accept responsibility for her sister's child. Is her boyfriend going to leave her now? Will he stay but be resentful of the child? I've heard of cases where a husband was jealous of the time his wife gave to his "own" children.

 

Maybe single/divorced moms are the equivalent of the nice guy.........

[silverfish]

I agree with you that children themselves are not baggage, and would even go so far as to say that people who view children as baggage are most likely very selfish.

 

However, more often than not, single parenthood is indicative of a failed relationship that is a whole seperate kind of baggage from the typical failed relationship that does not involve divorce or result in children.

 

A failed relationship is a failed relationship, as your tagline says, if you want a guarantee buy a toaster

[OnlyJake]

A failed relationship is a failed relationship, as your tagline says, if you want a guarantee buy a toaster

True, but I mean that a failed relationship that resulted in a childr or children comes with additional "baggage" that other relationships don't have; as in ex-husbands, visititation issues/joint custody, etc. Obviously not the case for every single parent. Often a new SO will eventually be asked to support, accept and/or deal with certain issues arising from such a scenario.

 

Was just saying that there are separate responsibilities and so on, aside from (for example) "emotional baggage". Not saying that single parents are nutcases with mental and emotional issues!

 

I'm also not making a judgment on those issues, simply stating that it is often a fact that they are there, and also a fact that people without children pretty much don't have to deal with those kinds of things. A horse of a different color or something.

[silverfish]

True, but I mean that a failed relationship that resulted in a childr or children comes with additional "baggage" that other relationships don't have; as in ex-husbands, visititation issues/joint custody, etc. Obviously not the case for every single parent. Often a new SO will eventually be asked to support, accept and/or deal with certain issues arising from such a scenario.

 

Was just saying that there are separate responsibilities and so on, aside from (for example) "emotional baggage". Not saying that single parents are nutcases with mental and emotional issues!

 

I'm also not making a judgment on those issues, simply stating that it is often a fact that they are there, and also a fact that people without children pretty much don't have to deal with those kinds of things. A horse of a different color or something.

 

You're right, its not for everyone, and yours are valid reasons. TBH I just don't see a lot of single parents who have trouble finding dates if they're ready, whether they are with singletons or single parents.

If there are a people out there who aren't keen though, don't worry, we won't hunt you down....

[Jersey Shortie]

Polks, I'm single with no children and I think dating is hard all around for us all for different reasons. It's hard finding a good, stable guy out there today! I find a number of men to be more about themselves then others. So in the case of kids, it's going to take a special man. Maybe a single father, maybe not. Not all single fathers are good men and not all single men witout children are against a woman with her own children. Hang in there. Dating is tough on all of us.

[txsilkysmoothe]

Yes! Dating is hard on all of us. We each have "strikes" against us for a variety of reasons. Hang in there OP.

[greatgirlfriend]

I think I could read that 100 times and still never get that sentence.

 

Basically that I think people who never wed the parent of their child are immoral. I'd never date a guy who had kids but didn't marry the mother.

[polksaladannie]

Yes! Dating is hard on all of us. We each have "strikes" against us for a variety of reasons. Hang in there OP.

I am done to be honest....I am coming to terms that there probably isnt anyone who wants me. Might as well accept it.

[someotherguy]

Don't feel too bad, it's the same story for men, too, at least the ones with custody.

 

I had women tell me straight to my face that if I didn't have custody of my kids they would date me, but that since I did it was a deal breaker. They assumed since I was divorced and male that I didn't have custody, but they didn't want to be "second" in my life. Selfish wenches.

 

Oh well, their loss.

 

My current girlfriend is awesome, and actually has a great time with my kids, and looks forward to weekly "girls night out" trips to go shopping, cook treats, or do art projects. And she was one of those women that doesn't want her own kids, and doesn't particularly like anyone else's kids. Haha.

[greatgirlfriend]

And consider this - a man (who won't date a woman with a child) is dating a woman with no child. Her sister and brother-in-law are killed leaving behind their only child. The woman is the only relative who can raise the child. Of course she will accept responsibility for her sister's child. Is her boyfriend going to leave her now? Will he stay but be resentful of the child? I've heard of cases where a husband was jealous of the time his wife gave to his "own" children.

 

Maybe single/divorced moms are the equivalent of the nice guy.........

 

No, much different. I could date a guy raising his niece and nephews because they aren't his kids biologically.

[Mr White]

I would generally avoid dating single moms unless they manifest apparent qualities that offset the complication (and yes, it is a complication although I like kids). But that's not the point. Even I, the prejudiced one, am extremely annoyed by the loads of stereotyping and hate that's going on in this thread.

Leave the woman alone. Just because you are not in her situation now, doesn't mean that you will never be, and - karma is a bitch that *will* come around to get you.

 

As for the OP, I'm sure dating is much harder, and as I said, even though I sympathize, a single parent would not be my first choice. That said, most singles, esp. in their 30s are such a pain in the ass that it is actually not too hard to stand out with all the good qualities you mention.

[OnlyJake]

I would generally avoid dating single moms unless they manifest apparent qualities that offset the complication (and yes, it is a complication although I like kids). But that's not the point. Even I, the prejudiced one, am extremely annoyed by the loads of stereotyping and hate that's going on in this thread.

 

For God's sake I was not hating on the OP, nor was I stereotyping. I don't see one place where I said all single mothers (or ANY single mothers) are moneygubbers looking for a free ride, or whatever the other stereotypes others mentioned.

 

Do I personally find it annoying that the OP is whining that having children is what is preventing her from finding true love and happiness? Yeah, I admit it, I do. Excuse me for taking a different approach in this thread by suggesting reasons she's having a hard time, or suggesting other areas of her life to find happiness, rather than being miserable and frustrated because she apparently is only meeting men who don't date single mothers. I also don't see the need for anyone to hate on and bash people who don't want to date single parents; nor do I see how it is helpful for anyone in this thread to downplay the fact that single parents come with MANY complications (perhaps that is a better word than "baggage") that people who aren't parents don't have. There are MILLIONS of people of dating age who are not single parents. Trying to brush that fact under the rug sounds like PC nonsense to me.

 

Furthermore, none of the single parents I am friends with have problems finding dates (both men who have full custody and women); therefore, I think the OP needs to 1. think about how she is coming across to men 2. think about what she is doing WRONG, in addition to what she is doing right, and what she can do differently, and then do it; in other words, be proactive and 3. adjust her attitude. If this thread was started by a man whining about how nice guys can't get dates NO ONE would be patting him on the back and saying "yeah it sucks, doesn't it? Dating is hard"; they would be making suggestions such as these.

 

There are plenty of people here who offer sympathy and support; I am certainly sympathetic to the OP's problem, as I've stated several times, and I've also stated that is she wants to date, she should date. However, I am rarely the person who will just say "sucks man, I feel for you" or "things are tough all over".

[phineas]

The thing is, with divorce rates so high, it is quite likely that you might find yourself in the same situation someday.

 

I am in that situation.

2 small children.

cheating STBXW.

I've been off the market for almost 8 yrs.

 

I'm 38 & all I see on dateing sites are 35 to 40 yr old women, no kids never married looking for the same.

 

Or as Meerkat said "looking for college fund" single mothers.

 

I personally have no problem with a single mother.

They understand.

 

How old are you?

If your early 30's your in the age group of men looking to marry & have their own kids.

 

So I can see how that would be a deal breaker for some.

[phineas]

Basically that I think people who never wed the parent of their child are immoral. I'd never date a guy who had kids but didn't marry the mother.

 

But, if they divorce the end result is the same.

 

When I was younger I believed the same.

Now i'm getting divorced & honestly I see marriage is just an over ex-pensive piece of paper.

[harmfulsweetz]

The problem is, that many men do not want to take on another man's children. And if they have options to not, and find someone without kids, they will. I'm not saying being a single mother is bad, or that it's fair to overlook you based on that, but it happens. No one wants to take on the responsibility of caring for someone else's children, and I don't blame them. It's not about being a real man, it's about admitting what you can and can't do. It's not just the children that complicate matters, but it's the baggage of the fathers/mothers as well, they will always be a part of their life, and for many, it's too much to handle. Why have complicated when you don't have to?

 

I know a single mother who dates a lot, and seems to be in and out of relationships, and yes, she introduces the men to her kids. I find this extremely unfair behavior.

 

But, there will be men (not many maybe but some) that will overlook the kids, and appreciate them and you, and hopefully it will work out all right

[greatgirlfriend]

But, if they divorce the end result is the same.

 

When I was younger I believed the same.

Now i'm getting divorced & honestly I see marriage is just an over ex-pensive piece of paper.

 

Not really. I am opposed to children being born out of wedlock.