polksaladannie Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Sigh. I need to vent. I am so sick of feeling like I should apologize for being a single mother. Ten years ago I got married and had two children. I thought I was doing the "right" thing. Well, the marriage did not work out and now I am a single mother. And I honestly feel that a convicted murderer stands a better chance of finding a date than me. I am an attractive and kind person. I am a good mother who goes beyond her duty. I work full time and volunteer in the community. And because I have the label of "mother" attached to me along with "woman", "my professional title", "volunteer", etc., no one seems to want me. The whole situation is getting old. I love my children. They are great kids. But, damn, I am getting a little frustrated with people seeing that label and then immediately sweeping me and what I could offer in a relationship under the rug:(
OnlyJake Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Well, unfortunately, you are a package deal.
greatgirlfriend Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Well, I personally think a divorced parent with kids is more moral than a never married with kids. I personally would never date anyone with kids, but that's because I don't want to be a stepmother. Are these guys without kids? If so, I sort of understand.
Author polksaladannie Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 Well, unfortunately, you are a package deal. But why "unfortunately"? Do people really hate children that much? And what about the other part of the package-the kindness, warmth and compassion that is part of me because I am a mother? What about the part of me that is still me-the qualities I had(and still have) before I became a parent?
bayouboi Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 As someone who sees "single mother" and says "next!", I may have some insight for you. My first advice is for you to seek out single fathers as they understand your situation best, but if you're pining for a single man without kids, here are a few reasons why I don't prefer single mothers and if you can dispel these assumptions someone like me might have then you'll have the advantage. But also consider that you may not want someone that dismisses you simply because you're a single mother. That said here are my assumptions (fair or not) that I make about single mothers: -Their kids come first. This is understandable, but I have needs too and if mine aren't being met, why would I want to subject myself to that? -Alot of single moms are out of shape. Alot of times this is a combination of effects of pregnancy and hormones, stress, and lack of time for proper fitness. If you find a way to keep your body fit, you will be more desirable. -They're just looking for someone to pay the bills. Those are the 3 main assumptions/fears I have about considering single moms. I wish you the best!
Woggle Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I am not saying this applies to you but many men have real issues with a single mothers because they feel that a woman views men and fathers as disposable and that is a huge turnoff to a guy. I am not saying this applies to you but some of the anti-father rhetoric coming from certain tends to place negative stigma on single moms.
curiousnycgirl Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 But also consider that you may not want someone that dismisses you simply because you're a single mother. This is what I was thinking. While I understand your frustration - you are lucky you are not wasting time on these men only to find out later they don't want kids (or pree xisting ones). Clearly these guys are not matches for you. Imagine how fabulous it will be, and how quickly you will know he's worth when you meet the right one! Best of luck to you.
Author polksaladannie Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 -Their kids come first. This is understandable, but I have needs too and if mine aren't being met, why would I want to subject myself to that? -Alot of single moms are out of shape. Alot of times this is a combination of effects of pregnancy and hormones, stress, and lack of time for proper fitness. If you find a way to keep your body fit, you will be more desirable. -They're just looking for someone to pay the bills. Those are the 3 main assumptions/fears I have about considering single moms. I wish you the best! I can't speak for all single mothers, but I can tell you how I (and lots of other single mothers) roll: 1) I can give my sig other attention, too. As a single mother, I have to be organized and that is a skill that comes in handy when trying to establish a relationship. Yes, sometimes the kids need to come first. I know plenty of single women(with no kids) whose careers and family of origin come first,too. 2) Many single mothers I know are in great shape. I hate to break it to you but just because I brought forth a child from my loins does not mean I no longer care about my personal appearance. 3) I already have someone to pay my bills. Her name is me, myself and I. You might like to meet her-she is an independent sort of gal! Instead of having assumptions or fears, why dont you try to treat a single mother like the individual she is?
OnlyJake Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 But why "unfortunately"? Do people really hate children that much? And what about the other part of the package-the kindness, warmth and compassion that is part of me because I am a mother? What about the part of me that is still me-the qualities I had(and still have) before I became a parent? I used the word "unfortunately" because you're whining about how no one wants to date you, as a single mom. Sorry to say, but while you seem to have many good qualities, those qualities are not separate from your parent status. Hence, you are a package deal. Yes, you have a lot to offer, including children. You are (or should be) a mother first and foremost. Apologies for the judgement here, but I personally feel very strongly about children. Children come first, no matter what. You chose to end your marriage after having children, and it sucks that you're lonely, but touch cookies. You should be thinking of your children first, and your dating life shouldn't even compare.
OnlyJake Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Instead of having assumptions or fears, why dont you try to treat a single mother like the individual she is? She is not an individual! She is a mother with more important responsibilities. I would hope a mother would be more concerned with doing right by her children than with her sex/dating life or some guy.
Author polksaladannie Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 You are (or should be) a mother first and foremost. Apologies for the judgement here, but I personally feel very strongly about children. Children come first, no matter what. You chose to end your marriage after having children, and it sucks that you're lonely, but touch cookies. You should be thinking of your children first, and your dating life shouldn't even compare. I chose to end my marriage because I found myself in an abusive relationship and did not want my children to witness that. I suppose I should have just stuck with it, right?
Author polksaladannie Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 She is not an individual! She is a mother with more important responsibilities. I would hope a mother would be more concerned with doing right by her children than with her sex/dating life or some guy. I believe that a woman can be a good mother and be part of a loving relationship.
OnlyJake Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I chose to end my marriage because I found myself in an abusive relationship and did not want my children to witness that. I suppose I should have just stuck with it, right? I was pretty straightforward about feeling strongly about this issue. It doesn't matter why you ended your marriage, nor do I care or judge such a situation. Doesn't change the fact that you are a mother.
bayouboi Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I can't speak for all single mothers, but I can tell you how I (and lots of other single mothers) roll: 1) I can give my sig other attention, too. As a single mother, I have to be organized and that is a skill that comes in handy when trying to establish a relationship. Yes, sometimes the kids need to come first. I know plenty of single women(with no kids) whose careers and family of origin come first,too. 2) Many single mothers I know are in great shape. I hate to break it to you but just because I brought forth a child from my loins does not mean I no longer care about my personal appearance. 3) I already have someone to pay my bills. Her name is me, myself and I. You might like to meet her-she is an independent sort of gal! Instead of having assumptions or fears, why dont you try to treat a single mother like the individual she is? Oh I have no doubt, and since I don't know you at all I'm clearly not making these assumptions about you specifically. I just thought it would be helpful to give you some insight into the mind of someone who tends to dismiss single mothers without knowing anything about them. Like I said before and someone else pointed out, do you really want to be with someone like me/that? But if you do, now you have some insight of the thoughts that go through my mind and those can be the things you would like to dispel in your presentation of yourself be it online or in person. Good luck!
Author polksaladannie Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 I was pretty straightforward about feeling strongly about this issue. It doesn't matter why you ended your marriage, nor do I care or judge such a situation. Doesn't change the fact that you are a mother. What about married mothers? Should they just put their husbands out to pasture?
silverfish Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I used the word "unfortunately" because you're whining about how no one wants to date you, as a single mom. Sorry to say, but while you seem to have many good qualities, those qualities are not separate from your parent status. Hence, you are a package deal. Yes, you have a lot to offer, including children. You are (or should be) a mother first and foremost. Apologies for the judgement here, but I personally feel very strongly about children. Children come first, no matter what. You chose to end your marriage after having children, and it sucks that you're lonely, but touch cookies. You should be thinking of your children first, and your dating life shouldn't even compare. Just my take : Single parents often have more time for their children when they are separated, as they no longer have the stress of having a bad relationship to deal with which can be time consuming. They also have 2 or 3 nights a week when the kids are staying with their Dad so lots of free time to socialise and / or date. They better at managing their time and planning ahead to spend time doing other things. They usually have a prety good social life / circle of friends Babysitters and family can also cover if there is no Dad to take over. All these things apply to me or single parents that I know. I've been asked out when I've been out with my kids so it doesn't put all men off.
Author polksaladannie Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 Just my take : Single parents often have more time for their children when they are separated, as they no longer have the stress of having a bad relationship to deal with which can be time consuming. They also have 2 or 3 nights a week when the kids are staying with their Dad so lots of free time to socialise and / or date. They better at managing their time and planning ahead to spend time doing other things. They usually have a prety good social life / circle of friends Babysitters and family can also cover if there is no Dad to take over. All these things apply to me or single parents that I know. I've been asked out when I've been out with my kids so it doesn't put all men off. Thank you!!!!
OnlyJake Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Just my take : Single parents often have more time for their children when they are separated, as they no longer have the stress of having a bad relationship to deal with which can be time consuming. They also have 2 or 3 nights a week when the kids are staying with their Dad so lots of free time to socialise and / or date. They better at managing their time and planning ahead to spend time doing other things. They usually have a prety good social life / circle of friends Babysitters and family can also cover if there is no Dad to take over. All these things apply to me or single parents that I know. I've been asked out when I've been out with my kids so it doesn't put all men off. While I don't think that single mothers shouldn't date, I still think that their children should come first. Divorce is disruptive, traumatizing, whatever for children (who probably don't understand the reason(s) behind the divorce). They have a lot of adapting and coping to do in these situations. I think that single parents should think very carefully about further disrupting their children's lives with strings of random men, making them feel inferior or secondary to their mother's boyfriends, etc. Single parents should think very carefully about the type of men (or women) they are bringing into contact with their children. That is where I am coming from. I am also not judging the OP, or accusing you of the above, or anything else. I don't know the specifics of your situation. That said, that still doesn't change your situation - single mother - and the fact that you are now a package deal. That's the way it is. Sorry dating is tougher for you now. But it is. You had a chance at being an individual without such responsibility; sorry your husband turned out to be abusive and it didn't work out. I really am. But again, you are now a package deal.
silverfish Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 While I don't think that single mothers shouldn't date, I still think that their children should come first. Divorce is disruptive, traumatizing, whatever for children (who probably don't understand the reason(s) behind the divorce). They have a lot of adapting and coping to do in these situations. I think that single parents should think very carefully about further disrupting their children's lives with strings of random men, making them feel inferior or secondary to their mother's boyfriends, etc. Single parents should think very carefully about the type of men (or women) they are bringing into contact with their children. That is where I am coming from. I am also not judging the OP, or accusing you of the above, or anything else. I don't know the specifics of your situation. That said, that still doesn't change your situation - single mother - and the fact that you are now a package deal. That's the way it is. Sorry dating is tougher for you now. But it is. You had a chance at being an individual without such responsibility; sorry your husband turned out to be abusive and it didn't work out. I really am. But again, you are now a package deal. Single parents can date and still put their children first. Actually, if you are married with children, it's essential that you make time for your husband or wife, and go out on dates, have time away from the kids, holidays etc. I don't see that time has anything to do with it for most single parents, either for the children or for whoever they are dating. As for bringing them into contact with new partners. its possible for your new BF / GF to not meet your kids for however long it takes for the reasons I gave before. Most people have some sort of commitment to someone else or something else that takes up a lot of their time and energy. It could be children, a sick parent, grandparents, pets, or a high powered job. It's an indication that the person you are potentially dating has the capacity to love & care for someone else, or has proven that they are capable of taking responsibilty for themselves and the people they love.
OnlyJake Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Single parents can date and still put their children first. Actually, if you are married with children, it's essential that you make time for your husband or wife, and go out on dates, have time away from the kids, holidays etc. I don't see that time has anything to do with it for most single parents, either for the children or for whoever they are dating. I completely agree with this. However, in that situation, you are married, and you are a family. The children don't have divorce issues going on in that scenario. It's different.
silverfish Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I completely agree with this. However, in that situation, you are married, and you are a family. The children don't have divorce issues going on in that scenario. It's different. You can be married but have the trauma of your parents fighting all the time and so on. I think there are so many types of divorce / separation and scenarios leading up to it that it would be hard to say what length of time is appropriate for the parents to wait before dating. Until after they divorce is ideal, obviously You don't think that single parents should wait til the kids leave home I guess?
OnlyJake Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 You can be married but have the trauma of your parents fighting all the time and so on. I think there are so many types of divorce / separation and scenarios leading up to it that it would be hard to say what length of time is appropriate for the parents to wait before dating. Until after they divorce is ideal, obviously You don't think that single parents should wait til the kids leave home I guess? No I don't think that. I think I also stated earlier that I also am not saying that I think single parents shouldn't date. What I am saying is that as a single parent, one should be more concerned with her children (especially if they lived through a tense marriage, and then a divorce), and her dating life should be an after thought. I think in general that people are too self-centered these days. People with children shouldn't have the luxury of being self-absorbed. Again, not saying that the OP is or is not the above. I have no idea.
purplehouse Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I am a single mum. I am in shape and eat very well. Infact my boyfriend comments all the time that i am such a healthy eater and he loves how we eat when he stays. My children are with their father 3 nights one week then 4 nights the next.We do 50/50 shared care and it is great. I get those nights to spend with my man and during the days i have them he will at least come around one or two nights to watch a movie when the kids are in bed or we do lunch during school hours on a day i am not working and vice Versa. It's good because we also get days to ourselves to do our own thing. I workand earn my own money. I never ask my him for money and never would. We go 50/50 or take turns paying. He knows i feel strongly about this, although sometimes he wishes i'd just let him pay...lol. He has no children but it doesn't phase him. Infact it's kind of a positive thing because he never really wants any of his own but he does like kids...so it works for us
Enema Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 (edited) I'm one of those who wouldn't date a single mother simply because I hate children and do not ever want them in or around my life. You shouldn't feel like you need to apologize because you're a single mother. But despite how attractive you might be, or how many good things you bring to the party - as a whole you're significantly less attractive to most people because of the added extras. Hard to accept because on paper, you add up all your qualities but forget to -100 at the end. Edited February 11, 2010 by Enema
silverfish Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 No I don't think that. I think I also stated earlier that I also am not saying that I think single parents shouldn't date. What I am saying is that as a single parent, one should be more concerned with her children (especially if they lived through a tense marriage, and then a divorce), and her dating life should be an after thought. I think in general that people are too self-centered these days. People with children shouldn't have the luxury of being self-absorbed. Again, not saying that the OP is or is not the above. I have no idea. Fair enough if you think that, but I think the same should apply to the father as well then....unless by 'her' you mean the OP? I don't think theres anything self absorbed about going out with someone on a date while your kids are staying overnight with the other parent. The original question was why can't she get a date... I can't answer myself as I don't experience the prejudice over here that there appears to be in the US, but your comment..... I think in general that people are too self-centered these days Could have something to do with it why she's finding it hard to find a man interested in her. I agree that people are more self absorbed these days, but protecting your children from the harsh realities of life (not too harsh obviously) is a sure fire way of making sure they grow up to be self centred. I've seen a few single parents make their children the centre of their universe, and turning them into spoilt brats. That would certainly put me off dating them
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