OnlyJake Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Thornton's thread got me curious, and I don't want to threadjack, so thoughts on this? Just to summarize, in her thread, one thing causing conflict in her relationship is her live-in boyfriend isn't helping to care for her dog that she had bought prior to the relationship. So far, most posters have responded "tough ****, the dog is your responsibility, since you are the owner, and your boyfriend is not responsible for helping to care for the dog". My knee-jerk response to said question is of course both parties should care for the dog, regardless of who the primary owner is. Obviously this differs from others' responses. However, when I think about it a little more, I recalled a situation where I was dating a guy who had a cat. He had acquired this cat with a previous girlfriend, whom he lived with; he kept the cat when they split. He and I did not live together, but whenever I spent the night, the following morning, as he was leaving for work, he would ask me to feed and water his cat before I left. She also needed a pill ground up in her food every day. The actual chore of feeding his pet, giving her her medicine and making sure she had water didn't take much time, but the principle of the matter definitely irritated me. It was HIS cat from a previous relationship, and every time I didn't spend the night, he had to find the 2 minutes to feed her before going to work - so why then did I have to take care of her when I did spend the night?? But on the other hand, I had no problem sharing other chores, such as laundry/dinner/dishes/etc. So: thoughts?
wuggle Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Cat, dog, goldfish...it's not a responsibility it's an honour. To look after and feed pets isn't really a chore, it's love. unlike the partner (who can look after themselves), they can't feed themselves, it's like young children, they are totally dependant on you, you wouldn't argue about who's going to feed the kids you would just make sure they are ok, same with pets, It's not their fault.
curiousnycgirl Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I agree with Wuggle, it just doesn't matter. My ex had a wonderful dog who used ot both stay with me when my ex would travel, and come when the ex came. I never had a yard (when we met lived in an apartment, now live in a townhouse) and was always the one to walk his dog. Never bothered me a bit, poop scooping and all.
Author OnlyJake Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 Cat, dog, goldfish...it's not a responsibility it's an honour. To look after and feed pets isn't really a chore, it's love. unlike the partner (who can look after themselves), they can't feed themselves, it's like young children, they are totally dependant on you, you wouldn't argue about who's going to feed the kids you would just make sure they are ok, same with pets, It's not their fault. For me personally, it was a bit odd. I never really thought about it until now. But, when bf would ask me to take care of his cat, I found it very irritating. She wasn't my responsibility. However, without being asked, if I was over at his place I constantly checked to make sure she had water, her litter box was clean, etc. I'm more of a dog person, and suspect that had he had a dog, I would've felt much differently if he had asked me to feed/poop/walk his dog. The reason being that a dog would've interacted with me. His cat was not sociable, and while she loved to cuddle with bf, she wanted nothing to do with me, and didn't interact with me at all. Regardless, I still felt that he should've fed his own freaking cat Interesting point wuggle! I wonder if there was some weird, Freudian, buried resentment because she was acquired with a live-in gf, and not me!
D-Lish Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I imagine it's that the cat represents something that he shared with his ex- and that is what is irking you? I have two dogs that I used to own with my ex husband- and they are my responsibility as far as I am concerned. When I date someone, and they take an interest in my dogs- they move a notch up in my perception of them. I remember dating a guy that went out of his way to interact with my dogs. He bought two dog beds, bowls, and treats so I could bring them over. In the morning he would get up early and take them out to pee as I slept. I didn't ask that of him- but the fact that he took an interest in something I loved really warmed my heart. I think in your case, you just have to look at the animal as something your bf loves- and not an attachment to the beotch ( kidding) he acquired the cat with. I'm not super fond of cats- but if I was dating someone with a cat, I'd go out of my way to love them because my partner loved them. Mothers are a different story:p
Eeyore79 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I have a dog, and I don't ask my boyfriend to walk her or feed her, but it's nice when he wants to interact with her and care for her, you know? Because she's like my baby, so if he loves me he should care about her too. Like Thorton said in the other thread, I wouldn't expect him to behave differently with my dog than he would with my child, because they're both mine; my dog is as much my baby as a child would be. If he moves in with me he'll be living with her too, and I don't want to feel like he excludes her or ignores her needs. Plus taking care of her helps me out, like when he walks her round the block when it's raining it means I don't have to go out in the rain myself. I guess I couldn't see him being a father figure to our future children if he couldn't even manage be a father figure to my puppy!
tami-chan Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I would not expect my future BF (yes, I am thinking positive! lol) to take care of my dog. I would expect him to treat her right. If we get serious, I expect him to act as a "step-parent". My pet is like my baby...we are a package deal. But primary care will be mine.
Crazy Magnet Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Love me, love my dog. We are a package deal. She's been through more in her life with me than anybody else. My dog is my constant, she's my rock, my snugglebunny, I LOVE MY DOG. But she's MY dog. I do 90% of all things associated with my dog. I mentioned in the other thread that my BF will let her out on his way out the door in the morning, or go let her in if she's starts barking and I'm busy. He always goes out of his way to snuggle and play with her when he comes over though. I think this has more to do with the fact that he owns cats, which do not play, and my dog is insanely awesome. Everyone loves my dog! If we lived together, I'd expect to take a more mutual animal care taking role since I'd be doing stuff for his cats too.
Calendula Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I love the points you all are making. I've been thinking lately about how to interpret the different responses I've gotten from dates regarding my dogs. I have three dogs (20, 27 and 40 lbs) and they are the closest thing to children that I currently have. A date who takes an interest in my dogs, and honestly tries to interact with them beyond telling them to get off the couch (I usually let them up on the couch to sit next to me) gets bonus points in my book. Any guy who could care less about my dogs and has no interest at all in doing anything with them gets marked down. Primary care and responsibility will always be mine, and I would not ask for assistence unless absolutely necessary, but any offered support from my partner would be much appreciated. The feeding the cat scenario I see as perhaps the guy asking you for support and you being unwilling to give it when expressly asked. Was there something about how he asked you to do it, or was it perhaps the fact that you felt taken advantage of? Perhaps he didn't plan his day as well, finding those two extra minutes to feed the cat, because he knew he could ask you to do it. Maybe this made you feel that he wasn't being considerate of your time in the mornings? How he spent that time, however would shade this aspect significantly - i.e. if he spent the extra time snuggling in bed with you, then I would say that feeding the cat was worth the snuggles, but if he spent it taking an extra long shower (without you), then I would be annoyed too.
Author OnlyJake Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 (edited) The feeding the cat scenario I see as perhaps the guy asking you for support and you being unwilling to give it when expressly asked. Was there something about how he asked you to do it, or was it perhaps the fact that you felt taken advantage of? Perhaps he didn't plan his day as well, finding those two extra minutes to feed the cat, because he knew he could ask you to do it. Maybe this made you feel that he wasn't being considerate of your time in the mornings? How he spent that time, however would shade this aspect significantly - i.e. if he spent the extra time snuggling in bed with you, then I would say that feeding the cat was worth the snuggles, but if he spent it taking an extra long shower (without you), then I would be annoyed too. I think there were several things at play. So far this is what I've come up with: 1. I'm a dog person. I don't hate cats, but I don't love them either. If I had my choice, I would not live with a cat, or have one around (I'm also allergic). Just as a "for example", my sister has a couple dogs. Whenever I visit her I feed, walk, poop them without being asked; pooperscoop the yard, clean their paws, help with baths, administer medicine, etc. Without being asked, and I'm happy to do so. 2. It was his pet with an ex. I'm sure there was some weird resentment thing there. Especially since the reason he and I couldn't get a puppy together was because of the cat. 3. The cat wouldn't come near me, or let me pet her or anything. Nothing wrong with that, but obviously I can't bond with something that is indifferent toward me, or hates me. 4. Since I would check to see if she had water and stuff without being asked, I think maybe the biggest factor at play that annoyed me when he asked me to do it was that he came across as thinking "Oh, OnlyJake is here, so I'm going to dick around in the morning and she can try to find time to feed my (and my ex's ) cat before heading out for the day". Like he just assumed (even though she wasn't "our" cat and we didn't live together) that I should take on HIS responsibilities. If I'm around, he doesn't have to do it, regardless of whether he has the time to or not. Edited February 11, 2010 by OnlyJake
Enema Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I think how you handle pets is specific to each relationship dynamic, there's no hard and fast rules. In my case: - I wanted a dog, my wife didn't. - She agreed that I could get a dog, if: *She could pick it *I took care of it 5 years later with the same dog. She gives it cooking scraps, some leftovers, a dog treat once n' a while, or feeds her when I'm not home. But, if I'm around it's all me. She's never washed the dog and luckily every time she (dog) has gotten a cane toad, I've been home so the wife hasn't had to deal with it.
meerkat stew Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Lots of interesting considerations here, have dated lots of people with pets over the years, and have learned the following: If the pet is large and tall, an elephant or a giraffe for instance, why should you be expected to climb that ladder and endanger your health? That would be an unreasonable expectation of your SO. Other types of pets, like musk oxen, cheetahs or crocodiles require special habitat. If the pet requires wandering through more than five acres to find, or wading in a marsh to feed, it shouldn't be your responsibility, or at the very least, you should be given the equipment necessary for transport through the habitat. If the pet eats humans for food, you should never feel obligated to help your SO obtain people to feed the pet. Would imagine pirhanas, black mambas, tigers and polar bears would fall under this category. Feeding humans to animals is a serious crime, and if your SO does this, it would constitute a red flag for most people. On a related note, if the pet actually -is- a human being, you should only agree to slide a tray through a door, not actually go in the pet's cage. Humans are exceedingly crafty pets and carry many communicable diseases. If you do get talked into entering the pet's area, make sure at least that the pet is muzzled in a Hannibal Lecter type fashion. If the pet is microscopic, such as amoeba, crab lice or e coli, you should be told exactly where the pet -is- in order to feed it. Likewise if the pet is imaginary, or a ghost, or its food is imaginary or ghostly food, you should demand to be handed the food, else who knows if the pet will starve or not? You don't want to be the one responsible for the death of your SO's imaginary pet when you were never sure if you had the imaginary food or not. This kind of thing can wreak havoc in a relationship. If the pet is from another dimension like a cerberus, imp or a kirin, you should expect that your SO will cast whatever spells or perform whatever rituals are necessary to summon the pet if you are expected to feed it. Feeding is one thing, summoning quite another. Your SO will likely have no problems with this boundary if you let them know.
Satisfaction Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Meanwhile I'm absolutely praying that I meet an amazing man with a pet. Hopefuly with a large fluffy dog. Dogsit? Oh yes please
tami-chan Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Lots of interesting considerations here, have dated lots of people with pets over the years, and have learned the following: If the pet is large and tall, an elephant or a giraffe for instance, why should you be expected to climb that ladder and endanger your health? That would be an unreasonable expectation of your SO. Other types of pets, like musk oxen, cheetahs or crocodiles require special habitat. If the pet requires wandering through more than five acres to find, or wading in a marsh to feed, it shouldn't be your responsibility, or at the very least, you should be given the equipment necessary for transport through the habitat. If the pet eats humans for food, you should never feel obligated to help your SO obtain people to feed the pet. Would imagine pirhanas, black mambas, tigers and polar bears would fall under this category. Feeding humans to animals is a serious crime, and if your SO does this, it would constitute a red flag for most people. On a related note, if the pet actually -is- a human being, you should only agree to slide a tray through a door, not actually go in the pet's cage. Humans are exceedingly crafty pets and carry many communicable diseases. If you do get talked into entering the pet's area, make sure at least that the pet is muzzled in a Hannibal Lecter type fashion. If the pet is microscopic, such as amoeba, crab lice or e coli, you should be told exactly where the pet -is- in order to feed it. Likewise if the pet is imaginary, or a ghost, or its food is imaginary or ghostly food, you should demand to be handed the food, else who knows if the pet will starve or not? You don't want to be the one responsible for the death of your SO's imaginary pet when you were never sure if you had the imaginary food or not. This kind of thing can wreak havoc in a relationship. If the pet is from another dimension like a cerberus, imp or a kirin, you should expect that your SO will cast whatever spells or perform whatever rituals are necessary to summon the pet if you are expected to feed it. Feeding is one thing, summoning quite another. Your SO will likely have no problems with this boundary if you let them know. :lmao::lmao::lmao:!!!!!!!!! I agree!...you are really a nut, stew!
Recommended Posts