rand0m Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Alright, so I'm still not convinced about this whole NC thing. Basically, my ex broke my heart, but is dying to remain friends with me. I have a built up resentment for how she walked away from me and the 5 years we spent together, but I'm still in love with her. I guess my issue is this: I remain NC, or just reply once in a while when she contacts me. If I do this, however, we will continue to grow apart, and possibly never be able to be friends again because she's going to grow to hate me for ignoring her, and we won't know each other like we do. I already feel like I'm being replaced. Or, I be the bigger man, try to be friends (to a certain extent), and see what happens down the road. Does this friend thing ever work out? It kind of reminds me of Ross and Rachael from Friends (lame, I know), but is it do-able in the real world? Should I just completely let go and move on without her in my life? I'm so confused.
USMCHokie Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Alright, so I'm still not convinced about this whole NC thing. Basically, my ex broke my heart, but is dying to remain friends with me. I have a built up resentment for how she walked away from me and the 5 years we spent together, but I'm still in love with her. I guess my issue is this: I remain NC, or just reply once in a while when she contacts me. If I do this, however, we will continue to grow apart, and possibly never be able to be friends again because she's going to grow to hate me for ignoring her, and we won't know each other like we do. I already feel like I'm being replaced. Or, I be the bigger man, try to be friends (to a certain extent), and see what happens down the road. Does this friend thing ever work out? It kind of reminds me of Ross and Rachael from Friends (lame, I know), but is it do-able in the real world? Should I just completely let go and move on without her in my life? I'm so confused. Being friends with her doesn't make you a bigger man. It makes you a wussier man. She can't have her cake and eat it too. If she wants you in her life, then she has to want you the same way you want her. If she doesn't, then she doesn't deserve you in her life. You should remain NC with her...if she contacts you, don't reply. Don't break NC unless she comes to you saying that she made the biggest mistake of her life and only wants to be with you and will do everything it takes to make the relationship work. The truth of the matter is, when people break up, they WILL grow apart...they WILL become different people without the other...and she may end up "hating" you...but you know what? That's no longer your problem...you may feel like you're being "replaced," but that's the nature of human relationships...they are constantly changing in our lives and replacing old relationships... Some exes can be friends, while a vast majority cannot or should not... So yes, you should completely remove her from your life and move on...or at least try your best, because I know it will be hard... NC will be hard at first, but it WILL get better, and you will be thankful for it in the long run...
Author rand0m Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 Thanks for the response. Well, the issue arises around the dogs. Many people will disagree with me, but there's these 2 dogs. They were both purchased by my ex's parents while we were together (one is 2 the other is 1.5 years old). The dogs lived with us for 40-50% of the time, and the rest at her parents' place. I feel entitled to have these dogs in my life as I've invested time, energy, and love into training them, running with them, etc., etc. My ex agreed, and I have been taking the dogs every Sunday for a hike and to hang out. No big deal, as I don't see her when I pick them up or drop them off, and I don't even have to deal with her as I just let her mom know I'm coming to get them for the day. In that respect, I'm not sure what to do. If I lose all contact with the dogs, I will be shattered. They've always been a huge part of my life from day one, and have helped me get through a lot of ****ty times. If I continue spending time with them, my ex might believe I'm holding on to her, which is not what I want or am doing in any way. On top of that, her brother and I have been super close for the past 5 years, and are maintaining a friendship, her little sister adores me, and her parents consider me as a son. Things are ****ed to say the least.
EricaH329 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Being friends with her doesn't make you a bigger man. It makes you a wussier man. She can't have her cake and eat it too. If she wants you in her life, then she has to want you the same way you want her. If she doesn't, then she doesn't deserve you in her life. You should remain NC with her...if she contacts you, don't reply. Don't break NC unless she comes to you saying that she made the biggest mistake of her life and only wants to be with you and will do everything it takes to make the relationship work. The truth of the matter is, when people break up, they WILL grow apart...they WILL become different people without the other...and she may end up "hating" you...but you know what? That's no longer your problem...you may feel like you're being "replaced," but that's the nature of human relationships...they are constantly changing in our lives and replacing old relationships... Some exes can be friends, while a vast majority cannot or should not... So yes, you should completely remove her from your life and move on...or at least try your best, because I know it will be hard... NC will be hard at first, but it WILL get better, and you will be thankful for it in the long run... Totally agree with this post!!! Very well said Kelvin!!
thepulse27 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Thanks for the response. Well, the issue arises around the dogs. Many people will disagree with me, but there's these 2 dogs. They were both purchased by my ex's parents while we were together (one is 2 the other is 1.5 years old). The dogs lived with us for 40-50% of the time, and the rest at her parents' place. I feel entitled to have these dogs in my life as I've invested time, energy, and love into training them, running with them, etc., etc. My ex agreed, and I have been taking the dogs every Sunday for a hike and to hang out. No big deal, as I don't see her when I pick them up or drop them off, and I don't even have to deal with her as I just let her mom know I'm coming to get them for the day. In that respect, I'm not sure what to do. If I lose all contact with the dogs, I will be shattered. They've always been a huge part of my life from day one, and have helped me get through a lot of ****ty times. If I continue spending time with them, my ex might believe I'm holding on to her, which is not what I want or am doing in any way. On top of that, her brother and I have been super close for the past 5 years, and are maintaining a friendship, her little sister adores me, and her parents consider me as a son. Things are ****ed to say the least. I don't know what to say to you mate, except this sucks, and I know where you are. I became so close to my ex's family that losing them feels like I'm losing another big part of my life. The problem is, however you look at it, and however close you were, it all happened because of you two as a couple. I'd love to say you can go on doing the things you love, but in reality this is another tie to a relationship you are not a part of anymore (I'm so sorry, but this is the case). You aren't going to get over her while you are hanging out with her family every weekend, and taking her dogs for a run. This is just another one of those things that is unbelievably unfair when a relationship ends. And the two people who replied above me are wiser in this field than you can imagine - listen to them. You're not winning any moral victories by being around for your ex when she needs a crutch. I know this can be harder to take than anything you've ever hit before, but if you are being replaced, then no amount of friendship is going to change that. I'm so sorry.
Bulldozed Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 My recommendation would be to reach the attached in my signoff, multiple times....then ask yourself what is best for you.
HeavenOrHell Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 No, you can't be friends with her if you are still in love with her. I've tried to do this for nearly 7 months now, it is extremely painful, if you see her you will be reading into everything she says. Do you want her back? If you do, then walk away. Time apart does not necessarily mean growing apart. My ex said to get in touch anytime no matter how far down the road. If your friendship is that special then it will never be too late to be friends. If she grows to hate you for ignoring you then she is not being sensitive to your need to heal and you are better off not being friends with her anyway The friendship thing can work for some people, but I think it's quite rare. Alright, so I'm still not convinced about this whole NC thing. Basically, my ex broke my heart, but is dying to remain friends with me. I have a built up resentment for how she walked away from me and the 5 years we spent together, but I'm still in love with her. I guess my issue is this: I remain NC, or just reply once in a while when she contacts me. If I do this, however, we will continue to grow apart, and possibly never be able to be friends again because she's going to grow to hate me for ignoring her, and we won't know each other like we do. I already feel like I'm being replaced. Or, I be the bigger man, try to be friends (to a certain extent), and see what happens down the road. Does this friend thing ever work out? It kind of reminds me of Ross and Rachael from Friends (lame, I know), but is it do-able in the real world? Should I just completely let go and move on without her in my life? I'm so confused.
DustySaltus Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 If she grows to hate you for ignoring you then she is not being sensitive to your need to heal and you are better off not being friends with her anyway . Well said. At the end of the day if someone really does care about you it will be ALL or NOTHING. Either they come back on their knees begging for forgiveness or they never get back in contact with you. Either way, there is a plan for all of us and no matter how screwed up it looks sometimes you just have to understand that the night really is darkest before dawn. I know it feels like we're living on the North Pole where it's dark for six months out of the year but when that sun comes out you can be sure we'll appreciate it. Her needs are her needs. She's being selfish with thoughts that a friendship can bloom out of a breakup. Drop off the face of the earth and let her deal with her decision for the next 1000 years or so. And if the dogs mean that much to you (which I understand) have a final talk with her about it and figure out what you're going to do. But your going to need to come up with a decision that is all or nothing as well. You're either going to have to get them completely or I hate to say it, get a new one for yourself and think of it as a new start.
Author rand0m Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 Well ****, you guys are terribly honest haha. I definitely appreciate all the input and suggestions. It looks like I'm just going to have to let go of everything. I'm not looking forward to that. I guess I'm kind of holding on because I've been through something similar before. My ex ex, before this one, left me for a period of 2-3 months. I dropped contact with her during that time, but her family kept inviting me over for dinners. So, when she wasn't around, I would go and eat with them and just chill. One day she called me, begging for a ride home. I picked her up with my friend (female) in the car with me, and made my ex ex sit in the back. When we got near her house she said she needed to talk. After that, it was a complete breakdown, crying, pleading, telling me how she made the biggest mistake. I took her back, but my feelings towards her had already changed. After about 5-6 months of being back together, I pulled the plug and left - she was devastated (I guess karma's a bitch). I guess part of me is hoping I can just play this same game until my ex gets through this term at law school, has a chance to actually think about what's going on, and then realize that I was always there for her, and that everybody is rooting for us. I dunno, I need to make a decision soon. I think about her 24/7, and am dreaming about her in my sleep. Slowly but surely, going crazy.
DustySaltus Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I know all about those dreams. The last dream I had about her was me being in a small boat in the ocean, minding my own business, fishing. All of a sudden my ex shows up in a GIGANTIC speed boat and starts circling me making huge waves. One wave hits me so hard, I fall out of the boat but manage to hang on to the side (It was like something out of The Truman Show, if you've ever seen it). She sees that i'm still hanging onto the boat so she goes faster and faster trying to drown me. But no matter how big the waves get, I always hung on to the boat. I don't know if that boat represented love, pride, maturity, persistence, dignity or happiness, but obviously it was something worth trying to "drown" me for. That was one of the last days I really was in bad shape over the breakup. From that day forward, I started to get better. I'm still not 100% 7 months later but I will be soon, as will you.
Author rand0m Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 Thanks Dusty, That's a pretty powerful dream if you ask me. I haven't really had any dreams that I can recall distinctly, but every morning when I wake up, I know that I had been thinking about her in my sleep, all night. I wake up sweating, uneasy, confused, and, in general, unhappy. What I think is really going to help is getting out a meeting some new people. With the Olympics upon us, I'm excited to be attending everything I can and making contacts everyone I meet. Who knew moving forward would ever be so hard.
DustySaltus Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 So you'll be in Vancouver? That's Awesome. What you need to do is hang out in the bars near the olympic village after a long day and comfort the beautiful female swedish downhill racer who just failed to qualify for the medal round. Be there for her lol, good luck.
Silver_star Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 When you go through a relationship that you invested alot into, and it gets thrown away. It is easy to fall back into it and go abck to your ex, but if you think its going to work, please note that damage has been done. I wrote something about how i felt about the relationship i had and going back to it just for it to fail again. It was inspired by my dreams. I fell off an unsteady dangerous cliff id been standing on (i guess i liked the thrill, i wanted to see how long it could last) I got swept out in the current, exhausted and looked for a way back to shore...i saw a rope being thrown out to me. I could have swam back to shore, but it was far and i was soo tired..I grabbed the rope. I was hauled into an old boat by my rescuer, familliar looking, he was going to save me. The boat had a small leak that continued to grow as i paddled desperatley to get to shore. It started to sink...and he didnt have the equipment to fix it, and i didnt have the equipment to fix it. We were sinking fast. I had to swim to stay alive. As he backstroked away in his life preserver. Nc will help you heal. Dont make excuses to see her or be with her. You need this. Im sure you loved the dogs, but im sure if you can get over her you can get over them too. Best of luck
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