louisem Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I've been with my boyfriend with 7 years now and he doesn't want to get married ever or have kids. He is 27 and I am 25. I am more financially secure than he is. I don't want to get married now but I do within the next 10 years. Am I holding onto false hope that he might change his mind? I'm worried that I may soon age, get "out-dated" and no other guy will want me after if he doesn't change his mind. I love him and feel he is the one. In a way, he is also my best friend. He loves and cares for me. However, he says that he doesn't want to get married because of his background - a "broken family" and the fact he had to look after his 12 year old little brother since his birth and this has put him off having kids. I've tried to convince that it wouldn't be the same with us but it failed. He has said that he had too much responsibility being the "man - substitute dad" in the family by looking out for his mum and little brother. I can't give him an ultimatum as he will agree with ending it... tried this approach and ended up getting back together with him. I accepted the situation temporarily. I'm young, baby-faced, ambitious and attractive and he is the same. However, I know I will soon age... Should I wait? Will he change his mind and want to be married and have kids or am I holding onto false hope?
greatgirlfriend Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I have mixed feelings on this. Both of you are still young and he could change. My brother kept insisting he'd never marry. He's been married 10 years and has a baby. I know 40 year old guys who insisted they'd never marry, but they met the right girl and did it. People might disagree, but there are only a handful of people (mostly guys) who strongly insist they'll never marry and they are right. Most people seem to change their minds, especially if the relationship gets stronger. I don't know if your boyfriend will change, but I suspect the financial aspect is the main problem. Once he gets more established he might be more open minded to marry. I don't know what to tell you because no one really knows if he'll change. 27 is young for a guy marrying these days. If you really want marriage, take a trial separation and date other guys. Then you'll know how he feels.
alphamale Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Am I holding onto false hope that he might change his mind? if a man doesn't propose within a year or two into the relationship the chances are that he never will. 2 years is the time limit. period.
Enema Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 You shouldn't base your life on the hope that your partner will change. He says he doesn't ever want to get married or have kids and you should believe him.
OnlyJake Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 if a man doesn't propose within a year or two into the relationship the chances are that he never will. 2 years is the time limit. period. Agreed. ALPHA'S SO AWESOME! (10 characters)
Lauriebell82 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I can't give him an ultimatum as he will agree with ending it... tried this approach and ended up getting back together with him. I accepted the situation temporarily. That was your mistake. You lost your credibility by going back with him. Now he thinks you don't care and he can jerk you around. Basically you DO need to accept the situation as it is. You said you didn't want to get married now but you wouldn't have left if you really felt that way. You either need to leave for good or stick around because you are happy with him. You are only 25 you have plenty of time to get married and have children. As for Alphamale: if a man doesn't propose within a year or two into the relationship the chances are that he never will. 2 years is the time limit. period. Not true. It was 2 years and 9 months for me!!! We will have been together for over 4 years by the time we marry. My one friend got engaged after 7 years!!!! Some guys just take longer to be ready, especially if they are still young.
stillafool Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I think you should take him at his word. He has said what he meant and knew he stood the chance to lose you. I would walk away if you want to be married with children one day. Otherwise you may look around and you are 30 and still wanting.
greatgirlfriend Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Not true. It was 2 years and 9 months for me!!! We will have been together for over 4 years by the time we marry. My one friend got engaged after 7 years!!!! Some guys just take longer to be ready, especially if they are still young. 2 years isn't bad really. I know a couple where it took them 10 years to marry. Neither was young (they are both in their late 60's). I guess this is why I don't always believe people when they say they'll never marry, because they can change their minds.
Citizen Erased Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 He's telling you he doesn't want it, clearly you do. Why would you settle for someone that can't ultimately make you happy?
Lauriebell82 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 He's telling you he doesn't want it, clearly you do. Why would you settle for someone that can't ultimately make you happy? I would have to agree with this. BUT.. She has said she loves him and he is her best friend. That's why she is "settling."
Citizen Erased Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I would have to agree with this. BUT.. She has said she loves him and he is her best friend. That's why she is "settling." I understand why she's doing it. However, IMHO all of that love will slowly become less and less important as she starts to resent him keeping her back from being a wife and a mother. Some things are more important than you love someone. You have to know they will make you happy, that in some very important things you are compatible. Clearly they aren't.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I understand why she's doing it. However, IMHO all of that love will slowly become less and less important as she starts to resent him keeping her back from being a wife and a mother. Some things are more important than you love someone. You have to know they will make you happy, that in some very important things you are compatible. Clearly they aren't. Yep, well said. She needs to either accept the situation for what it is and not resent him (which won't be easy) or leave.
stillafool Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 He's telling you he doesn't want it, clearly you do. Why would you settle for someone that can't ultimately make you happy? I agree. You have to have enough faith in yourself that you will go on and marry the person you are meant to be with. This man has told you he will never fulfill your dream. If you chose to stay after that, you cannot blame him for anything.
TaraMaiden Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 if a man doesn't propose within a year or two into the relationship the chances are that he never will. 2 years is the time limit. period. my partner proposed 3 months into our relationship. We've been together 5 years, now, and circumstances haven't been right for us to get married. we want to be financially secure and content with our lives before we do it. But I'm not sure I even want to get married again. It would be my third marriage, and his..... I mean, if it ain't broke, why fix it? Tell me, lousiem, apart form the legal/financial implication and security - (hardly Mills & Boon Romantic material!) - what possible reason is there for getting married? Why is it so important for you? What would it change, in any way shape or form? What is wrong with his logic and reasoning? What's right with yours? Until you can give as concrete an answer as he can, as to why you should get married, his reasons trump yours, really, don't they?
Eeyore79 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 My advice is to end the relationship, and clearly state why. Maybe once he sees you really mean it, he'll change his mind? If he doesn't change his mind, then he was never going to change it anyway, so you would have waited around in vain. You have to stick to your decision though; no getting back together with him otherwise he'll think he can continue declining to marry you - why buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free? The best outcome is that he realises his mistake and proposes, and at the very least you'll be free to find a man who does want marriage and children. But I have to say, if he hasn't married you after seven years and still says he never wants kids, the odds are he'll never change his mind, so you're probably going to have to look elsewhere if you want those things.
Author louisem Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 if he hasn't married you after seven years and still says he never wants kids, the odds are he'll never change his mind, so you're probably going to have to look elsewhere if you want those things. Thanks guys for all your advice - its much appreciated. Maybe you're right, I need to let go. He did say that we would be friends regardless of if we did split up. However, it would be hard to be friends with someone I love. Also, if I did get into a new relationship, my new boyfriend probably would not condone me being friends with my ex. He has never cheated on me and hence, I can trust him totally. However, there has been points where if I wanted him to come somewhere with me i.e. the hospital, I would have to beg him. Yet if he's asked by his little brother or mother, he would go. That does upset me, but I stay because I trust him. Even, if I did move on, I don't know if I could trust someone like that even if they did marry me and have kids - you hear stories of people cheating all the time regardless of marriage. I am a Catholic and believe marriage is a mono life-time commitment. Should I still let him go knowing all the above?
Lauriebell82 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Even, if I did move on, I don't know if I could trust someone like that even if they did marry me and have kids - you hear stories of people cheating all the time regardless of marriage. I am a Catholic and believe marriage is a mono life-time commitment. Should I still let him go knowing all the above? Yeah, I understand this. Trust is important in a relationship, but so is wanting the same things out of life. You guys don't-at least not right now. You did say you weren't looking to get married right now..so if that's the case then why throw away your relationship for some random dude who would marry you right away?
Lizzie60 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 I think that unless you want to wait.. despite the fact that he doesn't want children.. then you got to compromise.. Not every human being wants to be a parent... I totally respect that.. As far as marriage.. I'm with him on this one.. no need for the paper to be happy... But if the future with no children is not an option for you.. move on.. he most probably won't change..
Angel1111 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Why on earth would you want to change his mind? He has told you how he feels and trying to get him to change or hoping he'll change is just begging for disaster. Unless you can be happy with the circumstances, you need to break-up with him and find someone else. That doesn't mean an ultimatum, it means leaving. Yes, the years do tick away and you're just wasting time being with someone who doesn't want the same things as you. And these are big things, not just little issues.
mem11363 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 You still have plenty of time now - plenty of time provided you stop wasting it with someone who does not share your life goals. It isn't that he is wrong, it is that he wants different things than you do. I've been with my boyfriend with 7 years now and he doesn't want to get married ever or have kids. He is 27 and I am 25. I am more financially secure than he is. I don't want to get married now but I do within the next 10 years. Am I holding onto false hope that he might change his mind? I'm worried that I may soon age, get "out-dated" and no other guy will want me after if he doesn't change his mind. I love him and feel he is the one. In a way, he is also my best friend. He loves and cares for me. However, he says that he doesn't want to get married because of his background - a "broken family" and the fact he had to look after his 12 year old little brother since his birth and this has put him off having kids. I've tried to convince that it wouldn't be the same with us but it failed. He has said that he had too much responsibility being the "man - substitute dad" in the family by looking out for his mum and little brother. I can't give him an ultimatum as he will agree with ending it... tried this approach and ended up getting back together with him. I accepted the situation temporarily. I'm young, baby-faced, ambitious and attractive and he is the same. However, I know I will soon age... Should I wait? Will he change his mind and want to be married and have kids or am I holding onto false hope?
sunrae Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 I've been with my boyfriend with 7 years now and he doesn't want to get married ever or have kids. Am I holding onto false hope that he might change his mind? Pleas take him at his word... I have been there... I dated a guy for three years and he told me the same thing in the beginning. He didnt want kids, and he never wanted to get married... I hope he would change his mind... We had a great relationship for 3 yrs. Our big road block was I wanted to get married and have kids.. I was 28 when we started dating.. When I turned 33, we broke up(i ended it), because he didnt want to have kids or get married... It was hard to end it, he was a great person and still is today, but I had to be true to what I wanted.
norajane Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 He did say that we would be friends regardless of if we did split up. This should really wake you up as far as his intentions. He has already considering breaking up with you, and is ok with it. This is not a man who is suddenly going to change his mind about marrying YOU and having children. He's already considered how it would be if you broke up, and he's content with that.
SuburbanOblivion Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 It sounds like he's being painfully honest with you. Respect yourself and him enough to let him go.
BlackLovely Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Sometimes I think that single women idealize marriage. It's not always romantic and fun, sweetheart. There are hard times, tears and disappointment too. Are you sure you're ready to handle that? I'm engaged and I believe that I am ready because I don't expect a fairy tale every day. It's all about loving each other enough to work through issues. I have compassion for your man. For a long time, I said that I never wanted to marry because my parent's marriage is unhappy. I was also afraid of being treated like a slave. The week I turned 25, I met my forever love. We've been together for almost three years and living together almost two. We have our arguments, but he is a decent, loving man. He also helped me to heal some of my bitterness. Sometimes, love can heal people. What one sees is what they know....I can see how growing up in a broken home can cause trust issues. Perhaps you can suggest therapy for him? If he won't marry you and this is what you need to be happy, I'm afraid you will have to leave him. I would tell your man how much you love him and respect his wishes, but you need to find a man that wants to marry and have kids, so that you can be happy. If he really loves you, he will come to see that he would rather have you forever, than not have you at all.
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