Strange situation with therapy and family

[russ617]

Need some advice, please. I'm having a tough time at home, trying to get along with my wife. We have a therapist (out of town for a month but we resume soon; been going for a couple of months). The problem is, most problems don't come out during the therapy sessions, because she covers them up.

 

For example: She recently told me I was 'brainwashed' by someone and got really very angry, as I was just describing my reaction to a movie I had seen. She then went on (yelled) about how awful I am. After she cooled off, I said that her reaction made me feel bad, and I was very confused because I was only just describing a movie I saw. She responded, I am a 'bully' and talking to me is 'impossible'. (I was describing how Steve Martin was a good actor, and I liked his performance.)

 

There are way too many examples. But something like this, when I bring it up in a therapy session, she says, "no." Flat, no. "That's not what happened." She will say calmly how we miscommunicate generally and how much she looks forward to improving the situation.

 

Once, I was going out the door, and she suddenly mentioned two particular dates, where she wanted me to pick her up from somewhere. Everything was fine. I asked her to write down the dates, and then I'd put them in my calendar. She snapped, and said 'how f---ing irritating' and 'I guess I'll spend my day writing down dates for you.' Then she told me to 'do whatever you want.' and yelled at me for some random and unrelated things.

 

One time, at therapy, I did bring up how she interrupts me frequently, then tells me what I'm thinking, and then responds to what she thinks I was going to say. When she interrupts me, she talks very, very fast, and loud, makes points quickly, and I can barely keep up. That evening (after therapy), she basically said that she was better educated than me, and that life will be tough for someone like me, who can't debate well. She said it in a way that was very insulting. But, if I bring it up, she will say "I was merely talking about how curriculums differ at colleges." If I try and say more, she will talk over me and start yelling at me or insulting me. Often she tells me things like I am 'clueless' or 'live in my own world' or I am 'brainwashed'. She always denies doing so later. Sometimes her mood is just fine, and everything is well. Sometimes, she just snaps. It is impossible to know how she will react to anything.

 

If I start to mention some of my feelings to her---politely, using "I" words, etc----she will cut me off after three words, raise her voice and scream over me. She will then turn around exactly what I was staying. If I say, "I was confused about how you reacted yesterday...." <cut me off> "NO!!! YOU ARE THE CONFUSING ONE!!! I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOU...ETC". The next day, she will deny the conversation. She may do so very calmly and will say "Are you sure you're OK. You're just not remembering right. Are you sure everything is OK?" It is surreal.

 

I feel awful. I don't know how to explain my situation to anyone. Also, I feel like I am being tricked, but then I begin to doubt myself, based on what my wife is telling me about myself. Maybe I'm not being fair. Maybe I really am a bully. I shouldn't think that way. Anyway, all I know is, something is very wrong, and I can't put my finger on it. Also, I can't prove it.

 

Background: We are both college educated and employed. She's a PhD. We both work (good jobs), have similar salaries, and similar assets. Home chores, etc, are balanced. We have a child in preschool. My wife is about 10 years older than I am. (I’m mid 30s, she entering mid-40s.) Neither of us are from the city where we live. No family nearby. We have friends, but not close friends. I would says problems started arising after our child was born (about four years ago). We’ve been together for 6 years.

 

I would love any advice. I spend a lot of time with a pit in my stomach, especially after situations like I've described. It's confusing to me and difficult to write about. Sorry for any rambling.

 

Thanks.

[HeyThere]

Your wife seems filled with anger (passive-aggressive), manipulative, disrespectful and untrusting. So what’s the bad part?

 

You just did put your finger on it.

 

Check out this thread on emotional abuse:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t219869/

Edited February 10, 2010 by HeyThere

[quankanne]

do you think she's got an undiagnosed psychological problem? First thought was abusive personality, followed by the thought that she is in need of psychological care, especially when you say that the changes occured after having a child. Her hormones might be outta whack.

[russ617]

She doesn't really trust the mental health profession. I can't "intervene". But I am definitely open to suggestion.

 

I am not sure how to make a case/point. Everthing I am saying here is hearsay. Should I record a conversation secretly, and then let a therapist decide whether my claims are legitimate?

 

The abuse thread is interesting. If she is not there, and I spill something, I can hear her yelling at me.

 

How do I know that she is doing something wrong, versus me being oversensitive or just unfair? She is definitely not hitting me or throwing things at me, etc.

Edited February 10, 2010 by russ617

[HeyThere]

Why do you question yourself? Your wife has serious psychological issues and you’re beating yourself into submission. Do you see this? It is time to make an adjustment. Do you want to continue to feel like a victim?

[tigereyes1428]

you should know that she is doing something wrong because she is making you feel this way - this is no life for anyone and she will not seek help for her problems if she can always get away with it - do you have any family or friends that you could speak to and see if they have noticed anything similar to you?

[cuppa]

It seems like she might have mild to medium case of Bipolar Depression. Is she manic one day and calm the next day?

 

The interruption, the racing thoughts (she has multiple threads at the same time hence not concentrating on what you said), she seems quite manic in what you described.

 

Another thing, I hate to throw it out there but I know a few older women who go through this. Could it be that she is approaching menopause (since she's mid 40s) and have her hormoned going out of whack?

[just_some_guy]

Sorry, wrong thread.

Edited February 10, 2010 by just_some_guy
posted in wrong thread.

[HeyThere]

Instead of diagnosing your wife, which no one can pretend to do here on an internet forum. You deserve to feel better about yourself and you deserve a healthy partner in your life. How are you going to make that happen?

[russ617]

Good question. I did initiate therapy for this reason. It's only been a couple of months, and they say it can take a long time. I met the therapist twice on my own, then I came along with my wife. We've been there I think three times. I did later call the therapist to ask for a private appointment, I wanted to talk about some of the things here. I felt that at the first appointment I just downplayed my feelings. Anyway, on the phone, she said she didn't want to see me separately, as that would be out of process----unless it was really important. I said it wasn't important enough. Also, when I described some situations in our initial private meetings, she played devils advocate. It sort of threw me off. Probably normal, I had never been to a therapist before. Anyway, I guess one thing to do is call her when she's back in town and insist on a private meeting to talk about my concerns.

[HeyThere]

Even if you repeatedly point out the issues with your wife, MC alone would take many years before there was a noticeable improvement. I’m saying that IC is a better investment for you and your wife should be made aware of the issues. Ideally she would get help for herself, but don’t count on it in the short term unless she has an epiphany.

Edited February 11, 2010 by HeyThere