SilkRose Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 So I managed not to message my ex today, its been a few weeks since we've had contact, it was a drawn out break up. Anyway, I reminded myself about important things I have to do, esp in terms of studying - I was actually on a study break at the time. Anyway I realised that I have lots to do that's for my own good. I guess I managed to put myself first, I am so used to putting other people first. I am letting go of that and trying a more fair and balanced approach to life. I also thought, what good would it do me to contact him...then wait for his response...then continue? Do I actually want to start up communication again? I realised that the answer was no on both counts and stopped. I don't know if I'll ever be able to be friends with him but now doesn't seem like the time. I def don't want a relationship again. Any tips for staying strong anyone?
aroll32 Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Haha, SilkRose, I literally feel the exact same way. I wanted to contact this girl for so long, but keep putting it off. Like you said, nothing good will come from it. There really is nothing I can think of to get my mind off of it when I start. I guess my best tip is to do something you really love, and something you loved to do before you started dating him. It's the only thing that really helps me. Keeping busy helps as well. But man, I laughed because you sound like you're in the exact same situation as me. It's pretty odd though right? Not talking to someone for a couple of weeks that you normally would talk to do everyday, and almost all day? Staying strong is going to be tough. But I guess you just have to fight through it. I would like to talk to this girl, but I realize what would come from it, nothing. Excuses, lies, and BS. Still not exactly sure what I want though. And I am sure you are the same way
Author SilkRose Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 Haha, SilkRose, I literally feel the exact same way. I wanted to contact this girl for so long, but keep putting it off. Like you said, nothing good will come from it. There really is nothing I can think of to get my mind off of it when I start. I guess my best tip is to do something you really love, and something you loved to do before you started dating him. It's the only thing that really helps me. Keeping busy helps as well. But man, I laughed because you sound like you're in the exact same situation as me. It's pretty odd though right? Not talking to someone for a couple of weeks that you normally would talk to do everyday, and almost all day? Staying strong is going to be tough. But I guess you just have to fight through it. I would like to talk to this girl, but I realize what would come from it, nothing. Excuses, lies, and BS. Still not exactly sure what I want though. And I am sure you are the same way Lol! I know that if I wait a week, he won't bother, another week, he won't bother because he is so lazy. And when he does contact me, it will be on his own selfish terms with his own expectations, probably looking for sex. There is no way that's going to happen. I just keep thinking about where contacting him will lead. I know that it will just create stress, I'll wait for his response, respond to him again and so on and so on. It's so not worth it, so when I start thinking about it, I stay strong and resist doing something that I know is stupid. I dumped him twice for a reason, can't go back again. I think he's on my mind because this is the longest I've gone with speaking to him, if I just wait it out, it should get easier.
Rulebreaker Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Lol! I know that if I wait a week, he won't bother, another week, he won't bother because he is so lazy. And when he does contact me, it will be on his own selfish terms with his own expectations, probably looking for sex. There is no way that's going to happen. I just keep thinking about where contacting him will lead. I know that it will just create stress, I'll wait for his response, respond to him again and so on and so on. It's so not worth it, so when I start thinking about it, I stay strong and resist doing something that I know is stupid. I dumped him twice for a reason, can't go back again. I think he's on my mind because this is the longest I've gone with speaking to him, if I just wait it out, it should get easier. This is PAINFULLY familiar. Yeah, don't contact him. Move on...
DiscoChick Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Yeh...I want to contact my ex a lot. It really sucks that I was soooo dependent on him emotionally. I blame myself for not having better, smarter, more liberal friends. They are so stuck inside their boxes that they rarely understand the things I tell them. At least my ex understood or made it a point to understand. They just dismiss me as crazy and go to the next subject. Ugh. People! All I can say for a tip is: know that you don't NEED to contact him/her. You don't need anything from him/her.
Author SilkRose Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 You the dumper or dumpee? Dumper This is PAINFULLY familiar. Yeah, don't contact him. Move on... How did you manage not to contact your ex? Yeh...I want to contact my ex a lot. It really sucks that I was soooo dependent on him emotionally. I blame myself for not having better, smarter, more liberal friends. They are so stuck inside their boxes that they rarely understand the things I tell them. At least my ex understood or made it a point to understand. They just dismiss me as crazy and go to the next subject. Ugh. People! All I can say for a tip is: know that you don't NEED to contact him/her. You don't need anything from him/her. That is so true! I've never thought about it in that way. Thanks! At the moment I am staying strong, I think that I'll feel better in a week.
bananaboat11 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 OP - let him heal. do the NC. please don't drag this out... do not lay out breadcrumbs... move on with your life. let him move on with his. thanks my ex dumped me 4 months ago... 4 months nc. i'm thankful she hates me/is too arrogant to realize how she hurt me / what she did to me
Author SilkRose Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 OP - let him heal. do the NC. please don't drag this out... do not lay out breadcrumbs... move on with your life. let him move on with his. thanks my ex dumped me 4 months ago... 4 months nc. i'm thankful she hates me/is too arrogant to realize how she hurt me / what she did to me I said that I am the 'dumper' but it's more complicated than that. I loved him and wanted to make it work, I really did but it didn't work out. Am just having trouble letting it go. The thing is he's the one who wants to be friends - I don't quite trust his definition of 'friends'. *Sigh* If only these things were simple. But as you said...no breadcrumbs. I know we can't be together and its sad but that's life.
bananaboat11 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I said that I am the 'dumper' but it's more complicated than that. I loved him and wanted to make it work, I really did but it didn't work out. Am just having trouble letting it go. The thing is he's the one who wants to be friends - I don't quite trust his definition of 'friends'. *Sigh* If only these things were simple. But as you said...no breadcrumbs. I know we can't be together and its sad but that's life. Oh, I'm sorry... Regardless... it's still too fresh. It isn't that easy for most guys to just 'be friends' right away... if you each can look at one another kissing another person passionately and it doesn't make you die a little inside... then you're ready for friendship. Until then... No Contact to let your heart heal... to let your emotions fill with pride and content in yourself once again. Love yourself once more. You are truly amazing. Let him do the same. <3, BB...
aroll32 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 if you each can look at one another kissing another person passionately and it doesn't make you die a little inside... then you're ready for friendship. Until then... No Contact to let your heart heal... to let your emotions fill with pride and content in yourself once again. ( Very well put. I don't think I could've realized when it was time to be friends without that
Thebob Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Go out with friends, get drunk, hook up with other girls and this will get ur mind off your ex. It sucks and if you send that text you'll regret it and be like! why the **** did I do that! Thebob
Author SilkRose Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 Oh, I'm sorry... Regardless... it's still too fresh. It isn't that easy for most guys to just 'be friends' right away... if you each can look at one another kissing another person passionately and it doesn't make you die a little inside... then you're ready for friendship. Until then... No Contact to let your heart heal... to let your emotions fill with pride and content in yourself once again. Love yourself once more . You are truly amazing. Let him do the same. <3, BB... What a tearjerker! What a lovely comment! Thankyou so much. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with him kissing someone else but you make a good point. I want feel proud of myself and I want him to be happy. So I'll keep my distance as much as I can.
Author SilkRose Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 Go out with friends, get drunk, hook up with other girls and this will get ur mind off your ex. It sucks and if you send that text you'll regret it and be like! why the **** did I do that! Thebob I am a girl So is your advice any different?
Thebob Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 no! lol, hook up with girls still =).... juuussstttt kidddding..... I feel wierd now Thebob
Author SilkRose Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 no! lol, hook up with girls still =).... juuussstttt kidddding..... I feel wierd now Thebob Lol!
Author SilkRose Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 Its been 5 days and I still haven't contacted him. I am glad that I haven't. I think that I just need to put the relationship to rest. He wants to 'be friends' but that is impossible. I'm going to change my number so that I don't get any unexpected calls, not that he would call, he struggles with that because he doesn't love me or care about me, not really. I just wish I could stop thinking about him. It just upsets me now. Chatted with a lovely guy at work yesterday and I found myself thinking 'I hope he doesn't ask me out' because I'd have to say no and saying no to someone that great, wouldn't feel all that good. He's the kind of guy that girls would just see as 'a geek' but I like that about him, I like how he looks and he's intelligent and funny and hardworking. Probably has a girlfriend, probably isn't interested or he is interested in...well you can guess. So I'll just keep my distance and try to not think about it. I've figured out that I'm just not girlfriend material, that's why I get rejected, that's why I am alone, no matter what I do and that's why my ex doesn't love me anymore. I'm celibate at the moment and after that I'll just learn to manage occasional casual sex from time to time - got some tips from a previous thread I posted. Dating isn't worth it for me. I just want to stop thinking about him, will spend the day studying, so at least that will get my mind off things. And thank goodness Valentines Day is over.
Thebob Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 good keep it up! no looking back once your 2 weeks to 4 months down the road. Keep yourself busy and at night, just invite a friend over to watch a movie or something just so you don't become lonely. Thebob
Author SilkRose Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 good keep it up! no looking back once your 2 weeks to 4 months down the road. Keep yourself busy and at night, just invite a friend over to watch a movie or something just so you don't become lonely. Thebob Thanks, it's been about 4 months already. It has gotten better but I still think about him. Even though he's probably not thinking about me, probably doing what your advised me to do when you thought I was a guy, gettin drunk and ******* around, happy to be without me. I am upset with myself for not being totally over it. I just want it to end, for me to stop thinking about him every day, its such a waste of time and energy and it hurts.
Rulebreaker Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 Don't add your own guilt to this. All you can do is try your best to think about him less and less each day, and pour yourself into other pursuits. I'm trying to learn music composition and reading a lot of science fiction. I might do boot camp too. Give yourself a goal entirely unrelated to him and try to obsess about it the same way you obsess over him. Also tell yourself constantly that you are not unsafe or unworthy without him. When thoughts about him pop into your head, picture a stop sign and do some deep breathing. It will fade over time but there are things you can do to make it quicker. (There are also pills you can take, but I assume you don't want to go that route)
Author SilkRose Posted February 15, 2010 Author Posted February 15, 2010 Don't add your own guilt to this. All you can do is try your best to think about him less and less each day, and pour yourself into other pursuits. I'm trying to learn music composition and reading a lot of science fiction. I might do boot camp too. Give yourself a goal entirely unrelated to him and try to obsess about it the same way you obsess over him. Also tell yourself constantly that you are not unsafe or unworthy without him. When thoughts about him pop into your head, picture a stop sign and do some deep breathing. It will fade over time but there are things you can do to make it quicker. (There are also pills you can take, but I assume you don't want to go that route) Thanks for the tips...I totally understand why wouldn't want to go to boot camp...unrequited love can do that. Good tips! Except the pills, you're right I don't want pills. If I focus on other things hopefully it will get better. It can't last forever and at least I know what this feels like so if I do ever see him again, I'll just think back to how I feel now and walk away.
Thebob Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 Well honestly, I honestly haven't stopped thinking about my ex since we broke up in September but the thoughts don't hurt anymore. Then I was pursuing a new girl in November and I realized that I hardly thought about my ex anymore and the only thing on my mind was the new girl. UNFORTUNATELY that pursuing flaked out and I'm back to square one being single, but I been single my whole life till my relationship with my ex for 2 months so it's not a really big deal. It was great though not thinking about her and maybe you should try dating a guy or maybe a couple with no strings attached just to see if your ready, and if you are then your brain will be almost completely off of your ex which is the best feeling in the whole world. And do not compare your date to your ex either cause that puts him at a complete and unfair disadvantage with you. Good luck! Thebob
Zeegagge Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 I too have been good about not contacting my ex, and for the most part I don't desire to. Every now and then, though, a slight urge comes over me. haven't done it as of yet, but anything on this topic would be helpful to my situation.
Author SilkRose Posted February 22, 2010 Author Posted February 22, 2010 I emailed him, I really wanted to know how he was and I missed him so much. So I did it. He emailed me back and told me he misses he and can't wait to see me. He's working abroad at the moment, but will be back in a few months. I just hope I manage stay away from the bedroom. Because I know he'll just let me down if I even try to go there. And I can't take anymore stress or sadness. I think he wants some variation of FWB but I just want a casual friendship, but casual I mean relaxed with no drama and no sex, can't take the emotional rejection that would follow. Even though I love him, it just wouldn't work and no sex is worth that much drama. Even though the sex was on fire . But seriously, can't take the heartache over and over again. Hmmm... Meanwhile 'Mr Wonderful' wants to go out again. We've been out once and have a friendship thing going on at the moment, which is really nice. I think he's attracted to me and trying to figure me out. I think he's great but not quite right for me and I am celibate for the time being and so busy studying, working...and I can't take another relationship. Why can't great guys just meet great girls and make it happen?
Author SilkRose Posted February 22, 2010 Author Posted February 22, 2010 I emailed him, I really wanted to know how he was and I missed him so much. So I did it. He emailed me back and told me he misses he and can't wait to see me. He's working abroad at the moment, but will be back in a few months. I just hope I manage stay away from the bedroom. Because I know he'll just let me down if I even try to go there. And I can't take anymore stress or sadness. I think he wants some variation of FWB but I just want a casual friendship, but casual I mean relaxed with no drama and no sex, can't take the emotional rejection that would follow. Even though I love him, it just wouldn't work and no sex is worth that much drama. Even though the sex was on fire . But seriously, can't take the heartache over and over again. Hmmm... Meanwhile 'Mr Wonderful' wants to go out again. We've been out once and have a friendship thing going on at the moment, which is really nice. I think he's attracted to me and trying to figure me out. I think he's great but not quite right for me and I am celibate for the time being and so busy studying, working...and I can't take another relationship. Why can't great guys just meet great girls and make it happen? Also, my ex is so charming, I can't even begin to explain it. And he works in Sports, so his body is going to be... This may sound shallow but its not, when you love someone for who they are and they are this attractive, but you know that they will hurt your feelings. That is a tough place to be.
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