Mino Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Hello everybody, just thought I would peek in. Did a search a saw I am mentioned here and there about long term A, so I figured i would write an update. For those who dont know my story, I was the ow for 5 very long years. My mm had made the move out 3 times in those years, and the last move lasted 11 months. We pretty much lived together during these months, until I could not watch his depression any more, I broke up, hoping that would wake him up, but he ended up running home again 6 weeks later. One month BEFORE the D could be filed. Talk about dissapointment and pain! A few weeks later, he showed up as usually in tears saying he made a mistake. I told him this time, I am trying to move on with my life, I had invested a huge sum of money in his place to help, and this was the biggest slap in the face for me. I also said if he really though he had made a mistake, he had till the end of the month to clean it up. As the month came to a end he showed up asking for more time. lol. I have to laugh because this was really the turning point for me after all these years. I had accepted, I knew he loved me, but I had accepted that he was to weak to follow his heart. So I told him to leave, hugged him goodbye. But this time was different, instead of the usual crawling in bed for 5 days, not eating, crying for endless hours, I chose to call a friend. A friend who I knew was very interested in me already for a long time. Within an hour I was sitting in a 5 star restaurant, having wine, great company and lots of laughs. This man was everything I didnt expect. he made me feel good about myself again, he helped me find my strength back. My mm showed up again. This time asking to move in, he confessed to his wife , that he wanted out of the M. he wanted to move IN! yikes... BUT this time I was not ready.... I told him no... I was to hurt, I need time. In the meantime the Holidays pasted, he and his wife have just filed for D, It will be over in about 6 weeks... I am not excited, nor do I have the same feelings for him anymore. I cant put my finger on it. He does not know I have been emotionally involved with someone else. I feel torn. Part of me still loves the mm, but I see much more clearly now, The new man in my life gives me space and understanding, he wants a future together. I feel stuck somehow. Feel in a way obligated to the mm, 5 years is a long time. But the trust is gone, and I see him as a weak man.... He is moving very fast now to get the D, he senses that I may be seeing someone else. It just amazes me, I had given him everything all these years, and when i finally try to move on, he flips into action. My lesson learned, cut off the A... Move on with your lives, no mater how much it hurts... You will get passed the pain, and if he really ever was serious, he will make the move to D. Dont waste years like I did, The pain I went through cannot be written in words. There are no words. I have broken it off with both at this time. I am taking the time to figure myself out. For the first time in 5 years, its going to be about me! I will not give up "self" again, for any man, that I know. Just wanted you gals to know my journey, Hope you can learn from some of my mistakes. At the end it was my choice... And for now I choose me... Thanks for all of your support, learned so much in this process, and couldnt have survied if it wasnt for all of you. Thanks again : )
OWoman Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Hello everybody, just thought I would peek in. Hey Mino - WB!!!! Great to see you, and to hear things are going so well with you (((((hugs))))))
jennie-jennie Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I was just thinking of you yesterday! Strange to see you post right after. I read your story before I joined LS myself, so I do remember you. Interesting turn of events. I think the key is that you actually have moved away from your MM emotionally. Just cutting contact is not enough. And... we don't know how many more turns he will take back into the marriage.
NoIDidn't Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Hi Mino!!!! Glad to see you are doing well and putting you first! Hey, I'm game if you need a date to another 5 star!
Hazyhead Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 When I first joined LS in December I came across your posts and threads whilst I was trawling and they certainly drummed into me that air of caution. You went through so much! Anyway, even though I wasn't around then I am glad to hear you're doing so well. Inspirational
Author Mino Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 I was just thinking of you yesterday! Strange to see you post right after. I read your story before I joined LS myself, so I do remember you. Interesting turn of events. I think the key is that you actually have moved away from your MM emotionally. Just cutting contact is not enough. And... we don't know how many more turns he will take back into the marriage. hi JJ, ironic isnt it, how the table has turned. The choice of acceptance did really come as a choice. It came after so many disappointments. And only then, did he make the move. It reminds me so much of Tomcats story. I do not know what the future holds... but I do know one thing, I will never allow myself to be the OW again. I think many woman who do not want a relationship because of past hurts or just coming out of one, allow themselves to enter an A. thinking they have control. We do for awhile, but then the heart tunes in, its then too late to escape without burning in hell. I have payed my price, and the price was high, my friend.
Author Mino Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 Hi Mino!!!! Glad to see you are doing well and putting you first! Hey, I'm game if you need a date to another 5 star! Hello my Angel! You of all people have helped me the most... I thank you.
Author Mino Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 When I first joined LS in December I came across your posts and threads whilst I was trawling and they certainly drummed into me that air of caution. You went through so much! Anyway, even though I wasn't around then I am glad to hear you're doing so well. Inspirational Hi HH, I am happy that someone took caution, you know we all think our story is different, and we dont realize that the journey is very much alike. What many need to ask themselves here is " If you knew it would take years before he D, would you stick it out, I mean Would you make the same choices if you really knew. I dont think so, never in a million years did I think this would go on for 5 years... Had I know, I would have ran....Good luck to you sweetie,
Author Mino Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 Hey Mino - WB!!!! Great to see you, and to hear things are going so well with you (((((hugs)))))) Hi Ow, thanks , it took a long time, (((hugs))) mino
donnamaybe Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I'm so happy to read of your newfound inner strength! Good girl!!! Please don't feel any obligation to this man who strung you along far, FAR too long. You didn't deserve that, and he doesn't deserve you. LIVE YOUR LIFE!!!
whichwayisup Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Hey Mino! Nice to see ya! Enjoy life. Be happy and only look forward, not backwards.
Confused4Now Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Hey Mino.....I'm sure Stampdaddy would like to chime in but he's not in this forum anymore. I'm happy that you did move forward. Moving forward is better than standing still in a rut. If you should go back to your xAP noticed I didn't say xMM he should be completely done with everything. That way there is no excuses anymore. Congrats on finding a good person.....
bentnotbroken Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Glad you drop kicked dodo head to the curb.:lmao:
awkward Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Mino you sound like you are in a good place. I am happy that things have worked out for you. Your XMM will probably want to be your OM soon. Ironic, no? Let him down gently...
fooled once Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Hello everybody, just thought I would peek in. Did a search a saw I am mentioned here and there about long term A, so I figured i would write an update. For those who dont know my story, I was the ow for 5 very long years. My mm had made the move out 3 times in those years, and the last move lasted 11 months. We pretty much lived together during these months, until I could not watch his depression any more, I broke up, hoping that would wake him up, but he ended up running home again 6 weeks later. One month BEFORE the D could be filed. Talk about dissapointment and pain! A few weeks later, he showed up as usually in tears saying he made a mistake. I told him this time, I am trying to move on with my life, I had invested a huge sum of money in his place to help, and this was the biggest slap in the face for me. I also said if he really though he had made a mistake, he had till the end of the month to clean it up. As the month came to a end he showed up asking for more time. lol. I have to laugh because this was really the turning point for me after all these years. I had accepted, I knew he loved me, but I had accepted that he was to weak to follow his heart. So I told him to leave, hugged him goodbye. But this time was different, instead of the usual crawling in bed for 5 days, not eating, crying for endless hours, I chose to call a friend. A friend who I knew was very interested in me already for a long time. Within an hour I was sitting in a 5 star restaurant, having wine, great company and lots of laughs. This man was everything I didnt expect. he made me feel good about myself again, he helped me find my strength back. My mm showed up again. This time asking to move in, he confessed to his wife , that he wanted out of the M. he wanted to move IN! yikes... BUT this time I was not ready.... I told him no... I was to hurt, I need time. In the meantime the Holidays pasted, he and his wife have just filed for D, It will be over in about 6 weeks... I am not excited, nor do I have the same feelings for him anymore. I cant put my finger on it. He does not know I have been emotionally involved with someone else. I feel torn. Part of me still loves the mm, but I see much more clearly now, The new man in my life gives me space and understanding, he wants a future together. I feel stuck somehow. Feel in a way obligated to the mm, 5 years is a long time. But the trust is gone, and I see him as a weak man.... He is moving very fast now to get the D, he senses that I may be seeing someone else. It just amazes me, I had given him everything all these years, and when i finally try to move on, he flips into action. My lesson learned, cut off the A... Move on with your lives, no mater how much it hurts... You will get passed the pain, and if he really ever was serious, he will make the move to D. Dont waste years like I did, The pain I went through cannot be written in words. There are no words. I have broken it off with both at this time. I am taking the time to figure myself out. For the first time in 5 years, its going to be about me! I will not give up "self" again, for any man, that I know. Just wanted you gals to know my journey, Hope you can learn from some of my mistakes. At the end it was my choice... And for now I choose me... Thanks for all of your support, learned so much in this process, and couldnt have survied if it wasnt for all of you. Thanks again : ) So glad you chose YOU. I hope, as you continue this journey, you realize you can't go back. This MM showed you time and time again that you weren't THAT important to him. He hurt you over and over and over. Please stop the cycle and let him navigate his own way through life. He hurt you more than any man should hurt a woman -- leave him in the past. GOOD LUCK!
jennie-jennie Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Hey Mino.....I'm sure Stampdaddy would like to chime in but he's not in this forum anymore. LOL Is that why I saw him posting in Infidelity?!!
fooled once Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 hi JJ, ironic isnt it, how the table has turned. The choice of acceptance did really come as a choice. It came after so many disappointments. And only then, did he make the move. It reminds me so much of Tomcats story. I do not know what the future holds... but I do know one thing, I will never allow myself to be the OW again. I think many woman who do not want a relationship because of past hurts or just coming out of one, allow themselves to enter an A. thinking they have control. We do for awhile, but then the heart tunes in, its then too late to escape without burning in hell. I have payed my price, and the price was high, my friend. Amen!! But I am sorry for the price you paid. I think many OW do, but don't realize it until they are free and clear of the A.
SouthernLady Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Mino, I feel your pain! Mine has been ongoing for 8 long years and I am so sad that I have wasted all of this time. Although, the one positive aspect is that I have learned what I want and do not want in a relationship, but you are right that no words can describe this pain!!!!!
GreenEyedLady Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 ((Mino)) Congrats on your new outlook! Do what you think is the right direction for you. You don't owe anyone, anything, but owe yourself everything... GEL
Recommended Posts