She broke up, but wants to stay in as much contact as before??!!

[confuuuuused]

Hi guys. I left another post in LDRs about my gf of 8 months and how we were having LDR problems, but it was quite long and things have developed anyway - we broke up - basically we were together 4 mths, the next 4 mths she was and still is working on a ship but we were still together in this LDR, she kept extending it, told me she wasn;t sure about coming back as we were getting too serious. She sent me this long confused weepy email in which she ended up saying wasn't sure when she would be back because she was scared and confused but didnt want me to find anyone and wasnt looking herself, but didnt expect me to wait. Wanted me to email her, which I did, I sent her a nice warm email basically telling her I loved her and all the great things we had together and that I would wait for her and we could take it slow. She called Xmas day to say hi and we chatted for a while, just had a really good chat and a laugh, I didnt want to spoil Xmas day talking about heavy stuff or the emails. THEN She then replied to my nice email a couple of days ago on email, totally different tone of voice from her last one, much more cold, raising completely different issues, namely that she couldn't handle this LDR (which was of her making) because the nature of cruise ship life is that she can only call once a week, is lonely and so had cheated on me a fortnight ago. Didn't even apologise, just said she was lonely and drunk and snogged this guy whose last night on the ship it was. Then she says basically she doesn't want to do it to me again, not as in she won't cheat but as in she can see the same thing happening again more than once while she's on the ship getting drunk at parties (the drink is her big excuse) for this indefinate time, her being lonely and so on, and she doesn't want to be unfaithful again, so she's breaking up in case she ends up going with other guys and doesnt want to feel guilty. But that she really really doesn't want to break up with me, only its better than keeping it going and then cheating again while she's away and getting to talk is so hard. The way she puts it is she would rather have an 'honest friendship' than a 'dishonest relationship' with me and that when (if) she comes home then that way she wouldn't have burned any bridges and she hoped we could get back together. She talked about looking forward to 'lots of great times with me in the future'. She wants to still call / email me every week still like before, ie same level of contact. Just in the meantime both of us be free to do whatever.

 

I really don't know what to do. On the one hand she's put me through 4 months of s*it for nothing, and from her point of view its all win-win, cruise ships being notorious for casual relationships she won;t be lonely for much longer and as a plus she doesn't lose our friendship, the good talks we had and so on and can also keep me as a backup. That's the cynical view. Or there's my completely subjective -in-love-with-her view that I don't want to lose her completely after investing so much in this, that she must still have feelings for me, she called me three times the night she sent that email, left a voicemail each time, saying she wanted to explain things more, sounded pretty happy as if she hadn't just sent the worst email of my life. I was in no mood to talk and didn't pick up any of these calls. The impression I get from her email is she doesn't see the drunk snog as very bad at all on its own, just that it shouldn't 'keep happening'' while we are gf/bf.

 

So, my question is, should I go along with her and keep open the lines of communication and just wait (though obviously if anyone comes along in the meantime I'm available)? Or cut all contact forever, which would mean changing my cell phone, which would in turn mean she would know I was cutting her out. Maybe I'm an old-fashioned 28 (she's 25), but to me a drunken snog is still cheating, even if she wanted nothing more, he jumped on her and was leaving the next day anyway. Or do people let such things go as being a product of loneliness in LDRs in this day and age. Lots of my friends who were travelling cheated on their gfs and vice versa and they seemed to forgive each other when they got home. I get the impression snogs on cruise ships are a bit more trivial and a lot more frequent than in 'real life'. I'm not talking about trying to get back together with her now, but is it an unforgiveable offence that she committed if she wants to get back together when she gets home? At least she owned up to it. On the other hand, being still in love with her and unsure of her feelings it will feel like an LDR still, waiting for those weekly calls, but even worse knowing she could be up to all kinds of stuff with other guys completely legitimately, whereas my feelings for her are way too strong still to even look at other girls - believe me if I was interested in other girls I'd be out there too but I only desire this girl.

 

Any thoughts? This is driving me crazy, I'm thinking about it 24/7, not even sleeping.

[SoleMate]

do people let [drunken snogs] go as being a product of loneliness in LDRs in this day and age?

 

Some do. I wouldn't/couldn't. Sounds like you are having trouble doing so as well.

 

she must still have feelings for me... and ... can also keep me as a backup

 

She DOES have feelings for you and wants you as her on-shore backup. If you were #1 in her life, she would be at your side (unless off somewhere doing good on a global scale). Instead, she says "it's too serious" and she doesn't "want to be unfaithful" so she's breaking up with you - a "breakup of convenience" if you will.

 

I don't want to lose her completely after investing so much in this...

 

Well, you can keep her on her terms (i.e. she snogs crewmembers remorselessly then sees you on shore) or not at all. Doesn't matter how much you have invested, unfortunately.

 

BTW - it's cute how she had to give the fellow his "last night on the ship" present. As if that were some COMPELLING reason that everyone would understand she had no choice but to open her legs. And she made sure she had a mai tai or two first so she could blame it on the alcohol.

my feelings for her are way too strong still to even look at other girls

 

Seems so unfair and one-sided to me. I wish you luck, and joy, or at least one calm night of sleep.

[Girlie]

I'm with SoleMate on this one....this seems pretty one-sided. She gets to keep in touch with you and do all the snogging she wants in the meantime. Meanwhile, you probably end up getting mixed signals from this gal (I've seen situations like this b4 and wouldn't be at all surprised if she changed her mind more than once), and hurting because you're wondering what she's up to. I would personally cut ties, but obviously no one can tell you what to do. If you feel like you don't want to go to the trouble of changing your cell, don't answer when she calls. Above all, I would go on with your life. She's out there doing whatever she wants in the name of lonliness and there's no good reason for you to be waiting around for her in return. It sounds like you really care for this girl, but if she's going to do this to you, she doesn't deserve that. There's someone out there who does.

[confuuuuused]

Thanks, I know you're both right. Solemate I know you gave me this advice already, thanks for reiterating it, you were spot on about her keeping me as a reserve. That's it. It's not she has no feelings for me at all, it's that they're not strong enough to keep her faithful. And I know there's no way to fix that. It actually makes it worse, more insulting, that she 'didn't even particularly like the guy'. I guess people need sites like these to get an independent opinion, its good to get that from women too. My mates have been saying all along, "she's not here, screw around, what's the problem, she probably is" but they are all guys and I thought they just didnt understand when I said she was special. I guess there are no special people, just ordinary people. What I couldn't let go of is this idea I had of her almost from the start that she was somehow different, special, that she wouldn't do this kind of thing to a person. That this wasn't her fault somehow. And at the beginning she really did seem like that.

 

But even before the LDR started there were signs she wasn't this perfect creature. She did the exact same thing before to her boyfriend of four years - during a year away, cheated on him twice while he waited for her and dumped him when she got home. She said she felt so bad about it she would never cheat on anyone again, she said she only did it because he never showed her affection and she was going to split up anyway but wanted to do it face to face since they had been together so long. Which reassured me that she was still a good person.

 

I even suggested breaking up before she left, saying look I didn't want to be treated the same way, was she sure this could work as an LDR and she said 'don't be silly, me and you are nothing like me and him were, its different, I would never do that to a person again, you've nothing to worry about'. And I believed her, I really did, which is why this is such a bombshell.

 

But you are right, she has been this one type of person all along, and I've been in love with a distorted image. I don't want her back. Why would I even want the friendship of such a person? I feel like everything we had together, all the fun times, were worthless, like I was with a stranger the whole time.

[SoleMate]

I feel like everything we had together, all the fun times, were worthless, like I was with a stranger the whole time.

 

Well...I wouldn't go that far. The fact that she has let you down doesn't mean that there was never anything there. She may very well have loved you as much as she is capable of loving anyone. Forgiving her for her failures will likely bring you peace and closure more quickly. However, I definitely would advise that in your next relationship, you pay attention to ACTIONS and not WORDS.

 

She said she felt so bad about it she would never cheat on anyone again, she said she only did it because he never showed her affection and she was going to split up anyway but wanted to do it face to face since they had been together so long.

 

Wow...even her words showed that cheating was easy. She'd rather cheat for a year than break up over the phone in a LDR. If she were serious and ethical about not getting it on with other men until a face to face breakup, she could have met the fellow face to face ASAP and done the breakup. But you heard it from her first...she will never tell you it's over long distance, you have to wait until you're face to face to hear the truth. Can you say WARNING SIGN?

 

Some people will NEVER cheat, because it is just not their nature. And some people find it EASY to cheat. Some people like to use trips and alcohol as ready-made facilitators and "excuses" for the cheating they were planning to do anyway, and some people feel the need to find something...anything...to criticize in their partner to make the cheating OK. "Lack of affection", "grumpy", "too much time on the computer"...I've even seen men on Loveshack blame their longtime affairs on their wife's failure as a housekeeper and cook.

 

Hope you can start sleeping better when you realize what has been going on, and that you can survive and thrive.

[confuuuuused]

Again you're right. She referred to the way she treated the last guy as '"not being 100% faithful" to him. One of the guys she cheated with on the first boyfriend actually proposed to her during that time, so I doubt it was just a drunken snog with him, though she still claims it was. And I wonder if that guy even knew about the boyfriend back home.

 

God, I must be really thick, I guess I just ignored the warning signs. I'm pretty new at proper relationships, I have until now sought / kept relationships pretty casual. But I always made that clear up front. I thought I had found someone to try out something a bit more serious with. oops.