Splitting chores

[Thornton]

I've been having some disagreements with my boyfriend regarding splitting chores; more specifically I feel he's being a bit unfair.

 

If I cook, I expect him to do the dishes - he doesn't much like doing the dishes, but why should I also wash dishes after I've just spent an hour cooking? I've said that if he wants to cook, I'll do the dishes - but he sucks at cooking! If he wants to eat my nice cooking, he should be willing to wash the dishes.

 

It's not like he doesn't do anything - he vacuums and tidies up, and sometimes does laundry and ironing, etc. But I think it's unfair to expect me to do cooking AND dishes, even if he does chores at other times in lieu of of doing dishes. I don't want to spend an hour cooking, then a quick break to eat, then wash dishes afterwards, because the whole process takes a good couple of hours every single evening, while he sits at ease watching tv or playing video games. It seems more fair that I do the cooking and he does the dishes, or vice versa, so neither of us has to dedicate the chunk of time required to do both of those things consecutively every day.

 

What usually happens is I refuse to wash dishes because I cooked the food, so the dishes build up for a few days and I get increasingly cross, then with much complaining he does them. I'm sick of constantly having piles of dishes lying around - I'm sure he'd complain if I only cooked once every 3-4 days!

 

The other issue is that he sees taking care of the dog as being my responsibility. It's a long haired breed, so I have to spend 15 minutes brushing it every evening, then I have to feed it, and remember to take it out on the lawn every couple of hours, and spend an hour every Sunday bathing it so it doesn't affect HIS allergies.

 

Admittedly it's my dog - my Dad gave it to me, and it's my property, but it lives with both of us. It wouldn't kill him to occasionally put his shoes on and take it on the lawn for 5 minutes so I don't have to go out in the cold, or to feed it instead of waiting for me to come home and do it myself. It wouldn't kill him to bath it if it's making him itchy, instead of moaning until I do it. He sometimes takes it for a walk around the block and acts as if he's doing me a huge favour. I mean, if I had a child that wasn't his, would he behave in the same way? Would he refuse to co-parent the child just because it wasn't his?

 

We don't have kids, but I can't help wondering if he would expect me to take care of them if we did. If he can't feed the dog or take it out for five minutes to do its business, would he bother to feed or change a baby? Or would that be an extra chore that I would have to shoulder?

 

I'm getting pretty resentful that I have to do daily chores like cooking, doing dishes, brushing and walking the dog, while he sits around and does nothing. He just keeps saying he does his share at other times - I admit that he does some of the more infrequent chores, but it's the lack of help with daily tasks that's really bothering me.

[phineas]

Ok. you got a gripe with the dishes, but the dog?

 

Sorry, it's YOUR dog.

Not his.

 

I can see putting it out on the chain for a few mins.so it doesn't mess the floor, but brushing & bathing?

 

It's not his dog.

 

Does he work?

 

you make it sound like he has a lot of leisure time.

[hotgurl]

I agree with you on the dishes. I have the same problem with my husband and I don't know what to tell you.

 

other than buy paper /plastic and toss everything.

 

But it is your dog and you are responsible for it. Esp if he has allergies he should be brushing/bathing it.

 

It would be nice if he occasionally pitched in walking it but frankly I wouldn't . The thought of picking up dog doo ewww.

[Thornton]

He works the same hours as me.

 

If I come home at 6pm and start making dinner, then we eat about 7pm, then I do the dishes, it's at least 8pm by the time I'm finished. I don't see why he can't have some consideration for the fact that I just spent an hour cooking dinner, and do the dishes so I don't have to go back out in the kitchen yet again. Doing other chores at other times doesn't make up for the fact that I get stuck with two consecutive chores every day.

 

The dog doesn't need to be bathed, and I don't have allergies - HE is the only one who starts to sneeze if the dog isn't bathed regularly. Maybe he should show a little gratitude for me bathing the dog every week, as it's an additional chore which I only do for his benefit.

 

If I've just been in the shower and it's cold outside, why can't he take the dog on the lawn for 5 minutes to do its business instead of me going out with wet hair? If I'm out late, why can't he put food in its dish? Isn't that just being considerate? It seems to me like he just ignores the dog and sees it as my responsibility; he's happy to play with it and love it, and enjoys the advantages of having a pet, but it "isn't his dog" when it comes to doing chores like taking it out!

 

What if it was my child from a previous relationship? Would it be ok for the man who lives with me to ignore its toilet needs or requests for food just because it isn't his child?

[soulm8]

he vacuums and tidies up, and sometimes does laundry and ironing, etc. But I think it's unfair to expect me to do cooking AND dishes, even if he does chores at other times in lieu of of doing dishes.

 

What usually happens is I refuse to wash dishes because I cooked the food, so the dishes build up for a few days and I get increasingly cross, then with much complaining he does them. I'm sick of constantly having piles of dishes lying around

 

1. Do you like how the dishes keep piling up so that the chore is more overwhelming? Get a dishwasher. Rinse dishes as you cook and right after eating so it's just a quick clean up.

 

2. Do you like nagging your boyfriend and turning him off? If you were single you'd be doing ALL of it without ANY help.

 

3. The dog is your pet; not his = your full responsibility. Maybe you should look at giving him to a new home...

[Crazy Magnet]

The dishes would annoy me. Perhaps I'd cook for one for a week and let him fend for himself in terms of cooking and dishes! lol

 

I don't live with my BF, so I realize my situation is different, but he pitches in with the dog occasionally. I feed and water it, and I let it out 90% of the time. If he's on his way out in the morning he'll certain stop on his way out and let the dog out into the back yard, or if I've let her out, and I'm busy doing something else, he'll go let her in when she starts yapping. I've never asked him to help with the dog, he just does.

 

Now if we were talking about his cats......I'm not sure I'd ever scoop the poop. I'm not a poop scooper!

 

Would free feeding work for you dog? Or does it gobble everything up all at once?

Edited February 10, 2010 by Crazy Magnet
more info

[Thornton]

1. Do you like how the dishes keep piling up so that the chore is more overwhelming? Get a dishwasher. Rinse dishes as you cook and right after eating so it's just a quick clean up.

The dishes piling up is nobody's fault but his - if he did them every day they wouldn't pile up. I can't afford a dishwasher, nor the electricity to run it. I cook every day, so he should have the decency to wash up every day.

 

2. Do you like nagging your boyfriend and turning him off? If you were single you'd be doing ALL of it without ANY help.

So just because I'd be cooking and doing dishes by myself if he wasn't there, I should do HIS cooking and dishes as well, since I'm doing it anyway? Hell, since I'm doing it anyway, why don't I do cooking and dishes for the whole street? How ridiculous. If he wasn't here, I wouldn't be making a proper dinner using multiple pans and serving it up on multiple plates; I'd probably have one plate of pasta and be done with it. I make him a nice dinner every day; the least he could do is wash up.

 

3. The dog is your pet; not his = your full responsibility. Maybe you should look at giving him to a new home...

If the dog is my pet, I assume that means he isn't allowed to play with it or cuddle it, or otherwise enjoy having it? If he's treating it like it's also his pet, I don't see why he can't also help to look after it, even if only out of considerateness for me (e.g. feeding it if I'm out). If we were talking about a guy refusing to do anything for his live-in gf's kids, I'm sure your response would be quite different, even though it's essentially the same thing.

[mem11363]

T,

He is an idiot - cooking is a way higher skill activity than cleaning. My wife always volunteers to clean when I cook. And cleaning is usually easier/faster in my experience. So he has that piece way easier. And as for the dog - my only comment is that anything that is really important to my wife - I try to at least make the effort because it makes her happy. Seriously - that is my reward she is happy and knows she is my highest priority. And in return makes me hers.

 

With that said - he needs to read lovebusters - because what he is doing is corrosive to your relationship and will eventually cause you to really not want to be with him.

 

I have been right where you are. Wife and I had very imbalanced workload several years ago so we eventually had an argument about something else - something not related to workload. And during that argument I simply said "I know longer care what you think, what you want, and what is important to you so please don't waste your time any longer asking me to do anything"

 

Kind of ugly but totally honest. And by that point I felt justified. Our mix of tasks was different but the resentment was the same. And you know within a month everything changed. All the stuff I had been asking for started magically getting done. And within a year I revisited what she wanted and said - you have done for me - and now I will do for you. And I did what she had asked a year earlier.

 

I've been having some disagreements with my boyfriend regarding splitting chores; more specifically I feel he's being a bit unfair.

 

If I cook, I expect him to do the dishes - he doesn't much like doing the dishes, but why should I also wash dishes after I've just spent an hour cooking? I've said that if he wants to cook, I'll do the dishes - but he sucks at cooking! If he wants to eat my nice cooking, he should be willing to wash the dishes.

 

It's not like he doesn't do anything - he vacuums and tidies up, and sometimes does laundry and ironing, etc. But I think it's unfair to expect me to do cooking AND dishes, even if he does chores at other times in lieu of of doing dishes. I don't want to spend an hour cooking, then a quick break to eat, then wash dishes afterwards, because the whole process takes a good couple of hours every single evening, while he sits at ease watching tv or playing video games. It seems more fair that I do the cooking and he does the dishes, or vice versa, so neither of us has to dedicate the chunk of time required to do both of those things consecutively every day.

 

What usually happens is I refuse to wash dishes because I cooked the food, so the dishes build up for a few days and I get increasingly cross, then with much complaining he does them. I'm sick of constantly having piles of dishes lying around - I'm sure he'd complain if I only cooked once every 3-4 days!

 

The other issue is that he sees taking care of the dog as being my responsibility. It's a long haired breed, so I have to spend 15 minutes brushing it every evening, then I have to feed it, and remember to take it out on the lawn every couple of hours, and spend an hour every Sunday bathing it so it doesn't affect HIS allergies.

 

Admittedly it's my dog - my Dad gave it to me, and it's my property, but it lives with both of us. It wouldn't kill him to occasionally put his shoes on and take it on the lawn for 5 minutes so I don't have to go out in the cold, or to feed it instead of waiting for me to come home and do it myself. It wouldn't kill him to bath it if it's making him itchy, instead of moaning until I do it. He sometimes takes it for a walk around the block and acts as if he's doing me a huge favour. I mean, if I had a child that wasn't his, would he behave in the same way? Would he refuse to co-parent the child just because it wasn't his?

 

We don't have kids, but I can't help wondering if he would expect me to take care of them if we did. If he can't feed the dog or take it out for five minutes to do its business, would he bother to feed or change a baby? Or would that be an extra chore that I would have to shoulder?

 

I'm getting pretty resentful that I have to do daily chores like cooking, doing dishes, brushing and walking the dog, while he sits around and does nothing. He just keeps saying he does his share at other times - I admit that he does some of the more infrequent chores, but it's the lack of help with daily tasks that's really bothering me.

[Thornton]

I just feel like I'm making a huge effort and he's making none. I'm quite a good cook, but if he wasn't here I'd just make pasta or something. Instead I dirty numerous pans making steak dinner with red wine gravy, or chilli with homemade guacamole and salsa on the side, or if I have time I sometimes make cheesecake, or creme brulee, or meringue pie... I spend hours in the kitchen and then I still have to wash the dishes myself. When I resorted to microwave meals in frustration at his lack of dish-washing he wanted to know where his nice dinners had gone! He promised to wash up every day if I would cook proper meals again, but it didn't last very long.

 

I'm happy to cook for him, because to me that investment of effort is an expression of love. Him not washing the dishes just seems like a lack of gratitude for all the effort I make, because I make a lot more effort to cook for him than I would make just for myself, and my reward is additional dishes which I also have to wash myself.

 

Regarding the dog: even if he doesn't want to take the dog on the lawn, and it isn't his dog, wouldn't it be considerate to take it out so I don't have to? Especially if I'm in my pyjamas, or I'm busy or something. I expend extra effort washing the dog unnecessarily so he doesn't sneeze, but what does he do for me?

[norajane]

So stop cooking for him every time he slacks off on the dishes.

 

Cook one night, and if the dishes aren't done, then don't cook until they are. If he asks where his dinner is, just point to the sink. Tell him that's the new deal. Every night that he doesn't do the dishes means you won't cook until he gets around to doing them. And then stick to it.

Regarding the dog: even if he doesn't want to take the dog on the lawn, and it isn't his dog, wouldn't it be considerate to take it out so I don't have to? Especially if I'm in my pyjamas, or I'm busy or something. I expend extra effort washing the dog unnecessarily so he doesn't sneeze, but what does he do for me?

 

Is there anything he does, say on a weekly basis, that is for you? Perhaps you can balance it out that way. You have dog duty, but he has scrubbing the toilet and shower duty every week. Or whatever it is that you'd like for him to take over. Then shut up about the dog and accept that he's contributing in this other way.

Edited February 10, 2010 by norajane

[soulm8]

Ok, first of all, I didn't mean to come across as snooty. Basically, the way I see it, is you're unhappy and resentful... asking him hasn't improved it... continuing to ask won't improve it - it'll only be nagging.

 

I've never had this problem because yes, you are supposed to be a team and helping each other.

 

You'll have to talk about it, but are you prepared to walk away over dishes and your dog?

[OnlyJake]

Were I you, I'd stop cooking for him. Make dinner for yourself only, wash your own dishes only.

 

If he wants you to start cooking for him again he can volunteer to do the dishes afterward, and with a good attitude, since you bothered to do something for him.

[Pleco]

STOP COOKING. Cook enough for yourself, and clean up after yourself. Do that for a week and when he gets pissed about it, tell him why.

 

As for the dog situation - I see where you are coming from. Technically, the dog is yours and it is your responsibility. But the one of the great things about having a caring partner is that you have someone else that cares about you and goes out of his way to help you do things that need doing. In an ideal relationship, you would generously care for your SO and do things for him, but he would ALSO be doing those things for YOU.

 

I have two dogs and as soon as my boyfriend moved in with me, the dogs became ours. He doesn't HAVE to feed them or take them out, but he does it because we are partners in crime and he wants to help. He even feeds my bird that hates him (and the hate is mutual) when I am gone because he wants to help me out.

 

But I dunno how to help you. He obviously does not view relationships in the way that I (and apparently you) do. Like another poster said, is there anything that he does constantly for you to help you, something that he does not HAVE to do? Maybe he is thinking of something you are not and so is thinking that he IS doing his share.

 

But the bottom line is that you should always be looking to help your partner in any way possible. The key is that they should be doing the same for you.

[Pleco]

Were I you, I'd stop cooking for him. Make dinner for yourself only, wash your own dishes only.

You beat me to it

[Enema]

I agree with the others - only cook food for yourself and clean your own dishes until he's done his job.

 

The dog - that's all your responsibility.

[Johnny M]

Women constantly whine about the supposed shortage of old-fashioned, 'real' men. Then, when they actually manage to find one, they complain that he wouldn't do the dishes. Incredible!

 

Well, you can't have it both ways. No old-fashioned, real man would lower himself to washing dishes. That's a woman's job. I mean, when was the last time you saw a movie where James Bond or John Wayne was washing dishes?? Real men fix things around the house, take your car to the mechanic, etc., but they sure as hell don't cook, wash dishes, iron, or do laundry.

[OnlyJake]

Women constantly whine about the supposed shortage of old-fashioned, 'real' men. Then, when they actually manage to find one, they complain that he wouldn't do the dishes. Incredible!

 

Well, you can't have it both ways. No old-fashioned, real man would lower himself to washing dishes. That's a woman's job. I mean, when was the last time you saw a movie where James Bond or John Wayne was washing dishes?? Real men fix things around the house, take your car to the mechanic, etc., but they sure as hell don't cook, wash dishes, iron, or do laundry.

 

Nope. My dad is one of the most old-fashioned "real men" ever, and if my mom cooks, he does the dishes. Every single time. Even though she has always been a stay at home mom/homemaker.

 

Of course, it took him nearly 20 years of marriage to get there.

[carhill]

I wonder how 'real men' survive being single and not living like an animal or having a live-in domestic?

 

OP, I had the same problem you do, except with the genders reversed. My solution? Divorce. So, so much happier now

[OnlyJake]

Women constantly whine about the supposed shortage of old-fashioned, 'real' men. Then, when they actually manage to find one, they complain that he wouldn't do the dishes. Incredible!

 

Well, you can't have it both ways. No old-fashioned, real man would lower himself to washing dishes. That's a woman's job. I mean, when was the last time you saw a movie where James Bond or John Wayne was washing dishes?? Real men fix things around the house, take your car to the mechanic, etc., but they sure as hell don't cook, wash dishes, iron, or do laundry.

 

James Bond eats out every night; John Wayne ate off the same tin plate with the same tin fork and drank out of the same tin cup every single night, sitting around a campfire. The other nights he drank himself silly in a bar.

[Johnny M]

Nope. My dad is one of the most old-fashioned "real men" ever, and if my mom cooks, he does the dishes. Every single time. Even though she has always been a stay at home mom/homemaker.

 

Of course, it took him nearly 20 years of marriage to get there.

Correction:

 

Your dad was a real, old-fashioned man until 20 years of marriage finally broke his backbone

[hoping2heal]

He works the same hours as me.

 

If I come home at 6pm and start making dinner, then we eat about 7pm, then I do the dishes, it's at least 8pm by the time I'm finished. I don't see why he can't have some consideration for the fact that I just spent an hour cooking dinner, and do the dishes so I don't have to go back out in the kitchen yet again. Doing other chores at other times doesn't make up for the fact that I get stuck with two consecutive chores every day.

 

Well, I know nagging him over and over won't get him to budge, however he doesn't seem to have a whole lot of respect for you in this arena. I agree if you do the cooking for an hour, least he could do is wash the dishes. It's just the two of you right? There really shouldn't be hardly any dishes. Otherwise, stop cooking. Or stop cooking for him until he begins to realise the problem and can take it seriously.

 

The dog doesn't need to be bathed, and I don't have allergies - HE is the only one who starts to sneeze if the dog isn't bathed regularly. Maybe he should show a little gratitude for me bathing the dog every week, as it's an additional chore which I only do for his benefit.

 

Wether you like it or not, it is your dog.It isn't something you purchased together. It is a responsibility YOU brought upon HIM into HIS home. You should take care of it out of courtesy for him.If it is a long haired dog he should be bathed weekly regardless of anyone having allergies or not. If you didn't have your boyfriend you would still need to do the things now that you do for the dog.

 

If I've just been in the shower and it's cold outside, why can't he take the dog on the lawn for 5 minutes to do its business instead of me going out with wet hair? If I'm out late, why can't he put food in its dish? Isn't that just being considerate? It seems to me like he just ignores the dog and sees it as my responsibility; he's happy to play with it and love it, and enjoys the advantages of having a pet, but it "isn't his dog" when it comes to doing chores like taking it out!

 

Again, he is being inconsiderate and showing no respect for you.

 

What if it was my child from a previous relationship? Would it be ok for the man who lives with me to ignore its toilet needs or requests for food just because it isn't his child?

 

A dog isn't a child though. A child is a whole other ballgame and while I agree that the basics should be all your responsibility, because it was your dog that you brought into his home I do get what you are saying about things like running him out to the bathroom when you've just gotten out of the shower etc. That is just plain inconsiderate and selfish. I don't know about this guy's maturity.

[harmfulsweetz]

Stop cooking for him, until he can learn to share the responsibility.

 

I actually disagree with the other posters who say the dog is all your responsibility. If he enjoys the fun things about the dog, why not put food out for it? Sorry, but that takes all of what? Two minutes? Putting a leash on it, and walking around the block takes at most ten minutes. It wouldn't kill him to show her some consideration and just do something nice. And dogs shouldn't actually be bathed once a week (but obv. this one has to because of allergies) because it ruins their coats often. I bathe my two once every two months, and they're pretty longhaired (cavaliers).

 

It's not about whose dog it actually is, it's about him being thoughtful enough of her needs, not the dogs, her needs, to actually think about putting the food out when she's not in, and walking it when she's too tired to, etc. If roles were reversed, I'm sure he'd expect her to share the responsibility towards the dog.

[single]

I feel sorry for the OP she is cooking for him and he can't wash a few dishes !

 

She sounds like a great girl being used.

 

As for the dog he moved in and knew she had a dog he needs to pull his weight and help feed it or take it for a walk etc while she is washing it to help his problems.

[Thornton]

It's not about whose dog it actually is, it's about him being thoughtful enough of her needs, not the dogs

This is the point exactly. I think "I'm dressed to go out so I'm wearing high heels, I don't want to go on the lawn", or "I just had a shower and the dog is scratching to go out, but it's freezing cold", or "I'm watching this tv show and he's just sitting there doing nothing, he could take the dog out for me so I don't miss my show", etc. He could offer to take the dog out just out of considerateness for me, because if he does it then I don't have to.

 

It is a responsibility YOU brought upon HIM into HIS home.

It's MY house too, not his. Does that mean he shouldn't do any chores at all?

 

If it is a long haired dog he should be bathed weekly regardless of anyone having allergies or not.

The dog doesn't NEED to be bathed weekly. I do it to be considerate of my bf's allergies.

 

If you didn't have your boyfriend you would still need to do the things now that you do for the dog.

I wouldn't need to bath it so often. It would still have to be walked, I get that... so you're saying he shouldn't do anything for me that I would do for myself if I was single? He shouldn't make me coffee, or open jars, cos I'd have to do it myself if I was single? The point is that he does those things to be nice to me, so why can't he also take the dog on the lawn to be nice to me?

[Thornton]

She sounds like a great girl being used.

To be fair, he does do stuff like laundry and whatnot, he's not completely lazy. My point is: if I cook for an hour each evening, then he washes the dishes, I've done an hour's chores and he's done the rest. But if I have to wash the dishes too, then my labour is extended to two hours from when I start dinner to when I finish washing dishes, and two hours every evening is a lot.

 

It's beside the point if he makes up that time with other chores at the weekend; the fact is I have a limited amount of time after work each evening, and it seems fairer for each of us to spend one hour per evening than for me to spend two out of the five hours I have available, while he has the whole evening free.