Guy I'm seeing has a really bad past??

[kellllll]

ok, so basically ive been dating this guy now for 2-3 months. i think he's great, we get along great, and i basically just really like him. i can definitely see a serious relationship in our near future. he already calls me his girl friend even though we are still technically single.

 

anyway, ive only been with 2 people before him. i was in 2 very long relationships, one in hs and another in college. ive never had a one night stand... and ive never slept with anyone that wasn't my official boyfriend before. he's the first one i've ever been with that i'm not serious with before sleeping with.

 

anyway, the topic of past relationships came up and he has quite the past. not only has he slept with a variety of ages, ranging from 16 (when he was 23!... long story behind this one but she lied about her age and he didnt find out she was 16 until after the deed was done) to mothers in their 40s, strippers, drug addicts, wannabe models, etc... he basically has a huge rep. a ton of one night stands, some casual sex but no relationships, and girl friends that lasted for only a few months. he did get tested two girls before and came up negative for everything... he's clean (to my surprise). oh, and did i mention hes only 25?

 

anyway, besides all that, i still really like him. i mean.. i didnt know him during ANY of this.. so how can i judge really? at first i was worried that I would end up like one of these past girls he was with but he has been very genuine with me. even his close friends that hes known since preschool say that hes never seen him act like he does around me. he says he's done with his past ways and wants to settle down into a serious relationship.

 

i think im the only decent girl hes ever been with. not only have i not slept with that many people, ive never touched drugs, i dont have any kids, ive never cheated, and im graduating college this year and going on to get my masters after that. i dont think hes ever been with a college girl... ever.. even a hook up.

 

anyway... whenever we go out... we always seem to run into someone hes been with. which again, isnt hard because hes slept with a ridiculous amount of people. some hes friendly with, some hes apathetic to, and some he hates. im having a hard time dealing with the ones hes friendly with... grant it, this was all in the past and he didnt know me, but I dunno... maybe im crazy but i really dont want to interact with these girls to be honest. its not like they talk all the time, he doesnt text/call them ever, its only when they run into each other somewhere that they talk briefly... even when we go out sometimes he gets mad that im not friendly with them and it sucks because theyre EVERYWHERE!!... i dunno im having a hard time dealing with this... i know ill eventually get over it and im only being like this because its early on in the relationship... any advice would be appreciated... thank you.

[torranceshipman]

So you're his girlfriend, but he gets mad with YOU when you aren't friendly and sweet to the many, many girls he's previously had sex with? That you bump in to every time you go out? He sounds verrry promiscuous and clearly has no sensitivity. I don't like the sound of this guy at ALL.

[kellllll]

So you're his girlfriend, but he gets mad with YOU when you aren't friendly and sweet to the many, many girls he's previously had sex with? That you bump in to every time you go out? He sounds verrry promiscuous and clearly has no sensitivity. I don't like the sound of this guy at ALL.

 

well I wouldnt say he gets mad... i think i over exaggerated a bit. we went to this one bar/resturant a few times with our friends (his usual hang out) and icomplained that every time we go there we run into someone hes been with and how i dont want to go there anymore. he got kinda moody when i said that. stating that he cant help who shows up and what hes done before me. and that i shouldnt avoid places because of that.

[Thornton]

Run away as fast as you possibly can.

 

He's a man-slut who has been with drug addicts and strippers... he probably has many nasty STDS which you do NOT want to catch. By having sex with someone who has been with druggies, you are putting yourself at risk of Aids or something. Don't believe him when he says he's clean; with his sexual experience he probably isn't. Plus he got tested "two girls ago" which means nothing if those two girls were infected.

 

Also he obviously has no emotional feelings about sex, and has slept around indiscriminately... do you really want to be with a guy like that? If people know what he's like, you'll get a bad reputation by association. Women obviously mean nothing to this guy, and you should get rid of him as soon as possible and find a decent guy who doesn't feel the need to nail anything that moves.

 

The bottom line is you're never going to be comfortable with all his exes showing up and being friendly towards him, and there are clearly a LOT of them. I hope you've been using condoms... but don't think they protect you completely, because they don't. Run, run, run away from this man before you catch something nasty or he breaks your heart by continuing with his man-slut behaviour.

[Angel1111]

I'd drop this guy like a bad habit. He's nothing but bad news. And listen to what Thornton said. I also doubt that he's clean. It would just completely gross me out to sleep with him after he disclosed this information about his past. He sounds totally trashy and has no discretion whatsoever about who he sleeps with. When he gets bored with you, he'll cheat on you before you know what hit you. I guarantee it.

[kellllll]

I'd drop this guy like a bad habit. He's nothing but bad news. And listen to what Thornton said. I also doubt that he's clean. It would just completely gross me out to sleep with him after he disclosed this information about his past. He sounds totally trashy and has no discretion whatsoever about who he sleeps with. When he gets bored with you, he'll cheat on you before you know what hit you. I guarantee it.

 

he IS clean... I got tested a few weeks ago after he told me about all he's done and everything showed up negative. its hard for me to even imagine that he use to be like he use to be because hes so different with me. his best friend's girl friend knows him very well and told me a ton of dirt about him. and she told me truthfully that he has never acted the way he acts to me with anyone shes ever seen him with. she said that he has never been a "relationship guy" and shes never seen him act like he does to me... and we'veb een dating for a little over 2 months now and its been fine except that detail...

 

im really not sure what to do/think... i mean im glad he told me everything he did but at the same time it sucks so bad bc like.. some of the stuff is crazy.. also id rather him tell me all of this NOW rather than later... or lie about it.. id want him to be honest even if its really bad.

[O'Malley]

he basically has a huge rep. a ton of one night stands, some casual sex but no relationships, and girl friends that lasted for only a few months.

Accepting that everyone (including yourself) has a past is one thing....but ignoring that history tends to repeat itself is another.

 

even when we go out sometimes he gets mad that im not friendly with them and it sucks because theyre EVERYWHERE!!

If you're uncomfortable with who he is, and how he acts towards his exes and flings, there's really no reason to stay.

[carhill]

If deference to the recent thread outlining how women can have sex without emotion, and, in light of your current circumstances and relationship dynamic, if he's otherwise treating you well and you feel loved and prioritized and these former partners are the primary bone of contention, ask him how he would feel if you accepted a masters admission to a distant university and the two of you start fresh away from his 'past'.....

 

IMO, since you're disclosed and, if you otherwise have a good relationship, this should not pose an issue for him. Young people and their careers these days are quite mobile. This is not to say that you and he wouldn't return someday, but it seems, at this stage of your relationship, his numbers are an issue. It's up to you to decide how big an issue they are. Hope it works out

[Eeyore79]

he IS clean... I got tested a few weeks ago after he told me about all he's done and everything showed up negative.

That doesn't mean he hasn't got anything, just that you haven't caught it... yet. My friend dated her ex for almost a year before she caught herpes from him, because it wasn't active at the time they started dating.

 

id want him to be honest even if its really bad.

 

I don't think you really want honesty. You want to be told: Yes, go for it, it'll be fine, and you defend him if anyone says the opposite. The fact is, this man has a history of using women and dumping them, sleeping around... and not just with regular girls, but with strippers and drug addicts as well. I bet he paid for sex too, and he probably does have nasty diseases that he hasn't told you about... how could he not have something, when he's been sleeping with druggies and strippers? If you were my daughter I'd chase this guy away because he sounds like bad news. Unfortunately I think you'll probably end up having to find out yourself the hard way... good luck.

[Angel1111]

Yeah, that's the problem - I've heard that those nasty little STDs stay dormant for awhile. I would actually be shocked if he didn't have anything. I'm sorry this has come up for you because it sounds like things were going well with the relationship. I just have to say that hearing about this kind of sexual past would probably be a dealbreaker for me. Just think of it the other way around. If you were dating a guy and you told him you did all those things. He'd be gone before you felt the breeze. For me, it wouldn't be any different with a guy. I mean, it's one thing to have a few partners, but it's quite another to be this incredibly indiscreet and trashy. This shows that he has very little self-respect, self-control and/or discretion. And the fact that he gets annoyed with you for feeling uncomfortable running into these people all the time says that he really doesn't get it.

 

But if you feel confident enough about him and want to continue the relationship, then just let things unfold as they will. The thing is, two months is not long at all to know someone. It's enough time to get attached to someone - but not long enough to know someone. Just remain cautiously optimistic.

Edited February 10, 2010 by Angel1111

[A O]

He's a man-slut who has been with drug addicts and strippers.

If you understand the term 'slut' then you'll have little need to put the word 'man' in front of it.

 

its hard for me to even imagine that he use to be like he use to be because hes so different with me. his best friend's girl friend knows him very well and told me a ton of dirt about him. and she told me truthfully that he has never acted the way he acts to me with anyone shes ever seen him with. she said that he has never been a "relationship guy" and shes never seen him act like he does to me.

It sounds like you're getting off on the fact that you've caught the bad boy - for now! You've done what few others have been able to do and that's a pretty heady feeling I'm sure. I see a limited shelf-life for your relationship.

 

.

[Crazy Magnet]

How do you know which girls he has slept with and which ones he hasn't? Is that part of the introduction? Disclosing his past is one thing, naming names and pointing them out might be a little TMI for you and isn't very respectful on his part.

 

Please keep in mind that HIV testing needs to be done three months AFTER possible exposure to get an accurate result.

 

I do think you should pay attention to the way he treats you. I also think you do not need to ignore his past.

[kellllll]

How do you know which girls he has slept with and which ones he hasn't? Is that part of the introduction? Disclosing his past is one thing, naming names and pointing them out might be a little TMI for you and isn't very respectful on his part.

 

Please keep in mind that HIV testing needs to be done three months AFTER possible exposure to get an accurate result.

 

I do think you should pay attention to the way he treats you. I also think you do not need to ignore his past.

 

great... now you guys are getting me worried about an std! my question is, he cant be like this forever? we may not work out, only the future can tell for that one.. but in general, people DO change... he has to straighten out and fly right one day, am i right?

[Wallace1]

great... now you guys are getting me worried about an std! my question is, he cant be like this forever? we may not work out, only the future can tell for that one.. but in general, people DO change... he has to straighten out and fly right one day, am i right?

 

No, he doesn't HAVE to change, but it's certainly possible. However, I'd think seriously about someone who's talking about having dated strippers/16 yr olds/drug addicts repeatedly. That shows a serious lack in JUDGMENT beyond sexual promiscuity, and lack of judgment at 25 is difficult to excuse or change.

[carhill]

he has to straighten out and fly right one day, am i right?

 

Unfortunately, no, that's not necessarily the case. There are plenty of people my age (50) who have been engaging in such behaviors their entire lives. It's a lifestyle. It's a unique path. Whether it's compatible with your path is up to you to decide.

[alphamale]

he says he's done with his past ways and wants to settle down into a serious relationship.

thats a bunch of baloney if i ever heard it...

[Eeyore79]

he has to straighten out and fly right one day, am i right?

 

My ex was a similar type of guy to the one you're dating; bad history and all that. Luckily I saw sense, and once I found out what the deal was I got rid of him. He was 28 at the time... he's now 40, and from what I hear he's still unmarried and running around with various young girls. It's extremely rare for a leopard to change his spots.

 

Also it's extremely immature for him to name girls he's slept with and introduce you to them, or even identify them when you bump into them. It's almost like he's bragging. Mature people don't talk about their previous sex lives beyond the essentials, because they don't need the ego boost of bragging.

 

Sorry, but this guy sounds extremely childish and has exhibited very poor judgement by sleeping with drug addicts and strippers and the like, and equally poor judgement by thinking it's acceptable to identify these women to you. If you were my friend I'd encourage you to run for the hills before you catch something from him.

[Angel1111]

What does this guy do for a living? I mean, if you're getting your masters, this could be a huge problem between the two of you if you end up making more money than him. I'm thinking that you should be with a much more respectable guy than this.

 

And, honestly, don't be overly flattered that people are saying he's acting differently now that he's with you. People told me that with the verbally abusive guy I used to be with. He was just someone who acted differently for about a year or so, but it didn't change his core. It didn't change who he was. It's probably a novelty to this guy to be with a woman who doesn't shoot up and who takes baths, but that doesn't mean it will last.

 

To answer your question - no, people don't HAVE to change. As someone used to say to me, 'Just because they walk like you and talk like you, doesn't mean they think like you.' You're making the fatal mistake of thinking that he wants the same things that you want; that he values the same things that you value. Most people are being negative here because his past is very extreme and when people do extreme things like that, they rarely change. Again, time will tell.

Edited February 10, 2010 by Angel1111

[Zeegagge]

Of course he seems different and is acting completely different around you than he did any girl before. You're the first decent girl who's given him the time of day! These other girls were losers and now he's got someone decent who's going to give him a shot. I believe you when say he's genuine to you. And he is... for now. Trouble with a guy like this is that it's very easy for him to revert back to his old ways. People don't change so radically over night. I hope not, but there's a good chance he'll end up cheating on you. Especially if you have an argument or something like that. The reason he's never had a decent girl like you before is because decent girls don't want him! Only trashy ones. Why is that? Why do you want him?

[Pleco]

I don't see it as that big of a deal. How many people has he been with exactly?

 

When we first got together, I had been with 2 people and my boyfriend had been with 30. He sounds exactly like your boyfriend in every way except for the stripper part. The fact is, some guys go crazy when they are young and sleep around. If they are good looking, they may sleep around a LOT. Some guys don't. Some guys also grow into mature, faithful adults. Some guys don't. Only you know about yours.

 

I know men who are really great guys but they like to sleep around. I also know a lot of older men who were like this when they were younger but have grown out of it. My own father was a freakin wild child when he was young but is now a wonderful father and faithful husband. You can never know. But I think this crowd does tend to be more conservative, so keep that in mind.

 

If you are bothered by seeing people your boyfriend has been with, I'm not sure how to help you. This happens to me and my boyfriend too but we laugh about it. If you can't get over it then it is a real problem. If you can, then it's not. Simple hm?