Finissima Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 this is the problem... my long distance bf is making some tough career/life decisions. one possibility is that he will choose a school option that will bring him to the city where i currently attend a very good law school (will be here two more years). the other possibility is that he will choose a very promising, once in a lifetime, stars all aligning job option that will force him to stay where he is for 5-6 years. i have suggested in the past that i am happy to move to his part of the country when we were both finished school, and that i would consider transferring to the school in his city for next year...but it is not a good school, and there are not the same options there for me (as well as my family being here). we had discussed his options extensively and he told me any decision would be "ours". tonight he came to me saying he had decided all of a sudden, just today to pursue the job option... my issue isn't with him taking the job...it is with him coming to me with a decision made. he says he thought we were on the same page, understands why i am upset, loves me, knows we will be ok etc. but still...i'm angry and feeling that my confidence in his commitment is rocked. am i crazy here? my friend told me it was just a matter of semantics...he could have come to me to consult, but his decision was going to be made by him no matter what. do i have a right to be upset? what do i do with this information...
Els Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I wish I knew. Oh, I wish I knew. I really think that there's no true right and wrong in matters like these. It hurts, yes, but from experience I find that almost all men will place career first - and that's not necessarily a bad thing. Now the question for you is how bad exactly the school where he is will be. Will you still have good prospects when you get out? When you say 'bad', will it just have less facilities, a less active student body, etc... or is it far more severe than that?
Rollercoasterr Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 If the job is what is best for HIM, then you really shouldn't be angry. I don't understand(and I'm not picking on you) how people can get angry or hurt at a decision that is only going to better your future. An LDR isn't the end of the world as I'm sure you know. I just think, in my own personal opinion that what's better for him, is better for us, what's better for me, is better for us. I would stay where I am for the next two years and support him in his endeavor. But again, I have 100% faith and confidence in my relationship and nothing can shake that. Whatever life throws at Mathew and I, we can conquer it. I agree he should have consulted with you first, but it wouldn't have changed anything. You'd still be as hurt and angry as you are now because deep down inside, no matter what you said to him at the time, you really hoped he'd come to you. Didn't you?
SophieA Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I remember this feeling well. When my bf found out he was accepted to med school in another country, he jumped at the opportunity. It hurt b/c we were supposed to be moving in together and into the next phase of our lives together. He had never even told me he had applied outside the US!! But becoming a doctor is his dream, and I support him. Just as he supported me 100% when I decided to make a career change and head back to school. Ultimately, Rollercoaster is sooooo so so right. It took me a long time to figure it out and come to peace with it though!
Author Finissima Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 I agree he should have consulted with you first, but it wouldn't have changed anything. You'd still be as hurt and angry as you are now because deep down inside, no matter what you said to him at the time, you really hoped he'd come to you. Didn't you? Yaaaaa...this is pretty much true. I am genuinely happy for him about taking up this prospect because it is an amazing chance, and I always knew he would eventually decide to pursue a career like this, but I guess I had imagined he would want to pursue further schooling and then when we were both done, we would go together back to where he's from and he would pursue his career. I see the importance of compromise...but I thought saying "yes babe, I will come to your area of the country and we will raise our (future) kids there, amongst your family, in your culture...in two years" was a big enough compromise that he might be willing to come try out my life in my city for a couple years first. but life doesn't work like that...it hits us with curve balls, and offers us the best opportunities at the worst times! @Rollercoasterr: I got the impression from reading the board a bit you are in an LDR but you're hoping to move to be together soon? Is this true? How did you decide which country you would live in? I really think that there's no true right and wrong in matters like these. It hurts, yes, but from experience I find that almost all men will place career first - and that's not necessarily a bad thing. Now the question for you is how bad exactly the school where he is will be. Will you still have good prospects when you get out? When you say 'bad', will it just have less facilities, a less active student body, etc... or is it far more severe than that? @Elswyth Men do tend to put their careers first...this is not something I have a huge problem with. I hope to eventually be a stay at home mom for some of my life, so his furthering career is important to us both. The school issue...well I am currently at one of the best law schools in the country in a city where I have access to wonderful opportunities and good career prospects (I think). The school in his city is not horrible. It would certainly provide an acceptable education - I guess I would describe it as highly regional? I would have great prospects to work in that city for the rest of my life. Exporting the degree back to where my family is from...wouldn't be impossible, but would be tougher. It's also the issue of having my network established here - friends, family, professors, job connections. This is important to me as a student. I guess I am lucky in some way that I have the option of going to be with him if that is what we decide. Many people don't...but transferring law schools after first year, especially from the school I am at, to the school I would go to is a piece of cake, essentially. People who have moved to be with SOs...how did you decide? What is reasonable compromise...and what kind of moves just lead to resentment in the long run?
Rollercoasterr Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Mathew would make way more money down here. Plus, I don't speak French and he speaks perfect english. So the decision was made that he would move down here and I would then in return follow him anywhere in the country that his job takes him. I'm from Kentucky but we may very well end up in a completely different state. And yes, we are almost finished with immigration. He has his interview for his visa in March and then we get married in June. You should not take things so lightly. There is no room for white lies or anything in a relationship like a LDR. You have to say what you mean and REALLY mean it. Otherwise, it will just blow up in your face like it has. I don't claim that my relationship is perfect, or that I'm an expert but Mathew and I have come through a hard road. We trust each other completely, we communicate, and we always put our relationship and our future first.
Author Finissima Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 You should not take things so lightly. There is no room for white lies or anything in a relationship like a LDR. You have to say what you mean and REALLY mean it. Otherwise, it will just blow up in your face like it has. I don't claim that my relationship is perfect, or that I'm an expert but Mathew and I have come through a hard road. We trust each other completely, we communicate, and we always put our relationship and our future first. This is interesting...I didn't see trying to be supportive despite what I really felt/thought as something that could be detrimental, but I suppose you're right here. We are ok right now...but I am upset and he has no idea why, because he thinks we had things all worked out in favour of him taking the job. I know it's something we can deal with...but an additional bump in the road. We have had our trials in this relationship - a break up along the way as well, but somehow we managed to get back together and round 2 is much better. We both grew up in that time, and realized the importance of us as a partnership...sometimes the partnership aspect is hard to realize in an LDR but it's the most important!
Rollercoasterr Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 You need to tell him the truth about why you are upset. If you don't then you're going to end up resenting him. This isn't his fault. He thought you were okay with it. He thought you meant what you said. There's no way he could know that you never REALLY meant it. This is going to drive him nuts and end up with you resenting him for a long time. Resentment CAN destroy a relationship.
Els Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Transferring law schools - is it an irreversible choice? Say, if you happen to break up after your second year (touch wood!) and want to move back, can you?
Author Finissima Posted February 19, 2010 Author Posted February 19, 2010 Transferring law schools - is it an irreversible choice? Say, if you happen to break up after your second year (touch wood!) and want to move back, can you? It is an irreversible decision...one I don't think I can make at this point, after being home this past weekend and talking to my family and friends. At this point in my life, I can't give up my support network here to go there...he would become my only support, and I think that would put too much pressure on what is a great relationship. I don't want us to fail simply because there is too much pressure! The bf is coming here tomorrow though! So we will be having a talk about this...all of a sudden there is a problem with him taking the job, so he might not do it after all! If all this stress was for nothing...oh boy.
Els Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 Good luck! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.
FabulousLadee Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 At least he is involving you PERIOD!! At least he cares enough to know for a fact he wants you in his life for the long haul!! At least he encourages the fact that you all WILL make it through no matter what!! Some of us don't get that. Sorry I'm hurting and a little bitter right now. My LDR was a total waste of a whole year because I fell in love with a JERK!!
Author Finissima Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 Thanks everyone for their advice/support! I wanted to make sure I updated this thread with my update, which is amazing news! He came for a visit and I was clear that I had talked to my family and friends and I knew I couldn't move to be with him next year. I was sorry, and I would support him but I couldn't move there for many reasons, including putting too much pressure on the relationship. We had a great visit and a few days after he left he called to tell me he decided not to take the job after all! It was a big deal for him to back out now but he said being with me in my city (where many of his friends live as well!) was wonderful...he wants to act young and be in school while we are young, as do I. So we are just waiting for his grad school acceptances at this point! Yay!
aerogurl87 Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 At least he is involving you PERIOD!! At least he cares enough to know for a fact he wants you in his life for the long haul!! At least he encourages the fact that you all WILL make it through no matter what!! Some of us don't get that. Sorry I'm hurting and a little bitter right now. My LDR was a total waste of a whole year because I fell in love with a JERK!! Not to hijack your thread OP, but FabulousLadee I was there in your position 6 months ago. I fell in love with a jerk, and look at me now. I'm doing fine and am no longer bitter, so give it some time ok. As for the OP, I'm glad your boyfriend reassessed things and came to a decision that you two are both happy with. I have a feeling though that he thought about it and realized you were upset and then decided not to move away. Just my two cents.
Recommended Posts