Wallace1 Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 So over Thanksgiving, I bump into a girl out at the bars that I've known since we were young, but haven't seen in probably 7-8 years. We hit it off instantly, and are basically inseparable until 2 weeks ago when she has to go back to school for her last semester. We discussed the impending separation while together, but really didn't address what our relationship was, other than she repeatedly talked about how stressful the semester would be given its the last and most important. Since then, we've remained in nearly daily contact (albeit decidedly less than before) but she's flipped the switch on me visiting. While together we talked about numerous plans together, etc. Basically she's said she doesn't have time to go out with friends, and can't afford to spend a weekend without working on this crazy project/thesis, etc. Despite this, she's told me she really likes me, and wishes the timing of when we bumped into each other wouldn't have been so terrible. "Too busy for a visit" strikes me as bizarre to say the least, but I'm not really sure how to approach figuring out whether she's simply changed her mind or it's legitimate. I also thought perhaps giving it a few weeks then asking again about visiting would be best since the beginning of each semester is stressful. Thoughts?
USMCHokie Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 In general, if you are truly interested in someone, you will make time for them in your life. In my opinion, people that spring the "this semester is going to be sooo stressful" or similar line are generally full of sh*t and just use that excuse to let you down gently...they are just not that into you... And of course you'd say that she'd be the exception to you rule...that she does want to be with you...my response is that if the girl truly cannot balance her personal life with school or work, then I don't want anything to do with her...she probably has issues that I wouldn't want to deal with...i.e. she sucks at life...
counterman Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I agree withUSMCHokie. If someone is really interested in you, she would make an effort, even if it is just a visit. It is one of the worst reasons and you cannot seriously be working all the time on your project or thesis that you have no time for family or friends or yourself for that matter. All this talk about stress is just an excuse. Though I will offer this, maybe she does not want to get anything started until the semester ends so that she can focus more on the relationship once she has finished her thesis? I still say it is odd that you cannot even visit her.
callingyouuu Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 She hasn't changed her mind, but she still doesn't care about the relationship as much as you do. Decide whether or not this is good enough for you, and go from there.
Ms. Joolie Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 (edited) "Too busy for a visit" strikes me as bizarre to say the least, but I'm not really sure how to approach figuring out whether she's simply changed her mind or it's legitimate. It could be that she is "too busy" and just doesn't know how to manage her semester work, and a relationship with you. I wonder if she's "too busy" for family and friends, too. Try and find out. If she's "too busy" for everyone, that could be it. That is, she just keeps her head in those books and doesn't know how to have a life along with all that studying. That IS a tough thing to figure out and do... I would give her the benefit of the doubt, until you find out more. She could very well be moving on as well. If the relationship was just for fun, then she could very easily detach herself as she gets on with her life. Hope that isn't the case though. Doesn't sound like it because you two talk often. That's great. She really does want to keep contact with you, this really is more than a 'just for fun' kind of thing. Why don't you go visit her? Make it easy on her the first time, and put that effort in first if you want this relationship to work. Edited February 10, 2010 by Ms. Joolie
amerikajin Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 A woman will always find a way to fit someone into her schedule if she's really interested.
phineas Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Why doesn't she want you to visit? She isn't that into you. She has a boyfriend at college. Or, where would you sleep? Perhaps she doesn't want to be your "sure thing"? Leave her alone & talk to her less. Show her you have a life that doesn't revolve around talking to her on the phone. When she notices your loosing interest she will either be thankful or suggest you come visit.
Ms. Joolie Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 A woman will always find a way to fit someone into her schedule if she's really interested. Well, if he's really interested why not take the initiative and go visit her first? There will be plenty of men who will be the go-getters to take his place. We woman take the initiative only when we absolutely know that's who we want, or if we're desperate. Given the circumstances, it may be too soon for his woman of interest to take that initiative. First, the man must show what interest exactly he has in her. I'd recommend that he visit her, since it wasn't clear what their relationship was, or what relationship he himself was pursuing with her.
phineas Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 What? He should just show up at her door? If she says she is too busy for him to visit I don't see how just showing up is going make things better.
Ms. Joolie Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 What? He should just show up at her door? If she says she is too busy for him to visit I don't see how just showing up is going make things better. haha... good point. Um, NO he should not just show up at her door. Since they talk on the phone, he could offer or suggest that he go and visit her. He could ask her when a good date for her would be, and they could plan on that. Hopefully she will be interested and excited at seeing him again. We don't want her to come up with the litany of "not available, too busy" excuses... that would be a bad sign. If she's busy, and can't quite think about which date would work, he can bring it up again next conversation. The goal is to get a date when he can visit her. But even it becoming obvious that she is not open and available for him will help him move along.
Crazy Magnet Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I would offer to go see her first, and let her know that you understand she can't completely shrug off school work for an entire weekend. Tell her you'll bring a book to read while she studies for a few hours, and then you guys can relax in the afternoon and evenings together. I seriously doubt she NEVER gets out and goes anywhere. If that's truly the case, she's seriously unbalanced and probably not good GF material anyway. I'd also suggest clearing up what type of relationship the two of you have. I often find it hard to function in ambiguity for too long. It sounds like you've been somewhat ambiguous with each other since November, which is quite some time. Perhaps she doesn't feel like investing a lot of her time in a relationship that isn't clear to her?
USMCHokie Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 II'd also suggest clearing up what type of relationship the two of you have. I often find it hard to function in ambiguity for too long. It sounds like you've been somewhat ambiguous with each other since November, which is quite some time. Perhaps she doesn't feel like investing a lot of her time in a relationship that isn't clear to her? If this is the case, why would he want to deal with someone that doesn't want to invest the same as he does in the relationship? Either way, this does not bode well for OP...she's either (1) not interested, or (2) sucks at relationships...
Ms. Joolie Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Perhaps she doesn't feel like investing a lot of her time in a relationship that isn't clear to her? Exactly the way many, many of us women see it. They are both on the same page now perhaps, both unclear on the relationship. He is, at least. It's up to him to clear that up on his part. He can ask her straight up if they are on the same page, or get a date with her and go from there.
Crazy Magnet Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 If this is the case, why would he want to deal with someone that doesn't want to invest the same as he does in the relationship? Either way, this does not bode well for OP...she's either (1) not interested, or (2) sucks at relationships... My thinking was along the lines of "She doesn't think he's that into her, b/c he's not clarifying the relationship, so she's not going to invest her time and emotions in him until he grows some balls and takes her off the market." IMO 2 months of constant togetherness is enough to decide what type of relationship they both want, exclusive or not. OR....she was bored and he was her piece of booty over Christmas break! lol He won't know what she is thinking or what she wants until he tries to clarify exactly what they want from each other.
USMCHokie Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 My thinking was along the lines of "She doesn't think he's that into her, b/c he's not clarifying the relationship, so she's not going to invest her time and emotions in him until he grows some balls and takes her off the market." IMO 2 months of constant togetherness is enough to decide what type of relationship they both want, exclusive or not. OR....she was bored and he was her piece of booty over Christmas break! lol He won't know what she is thinking or what she wants until he tries to clarify exactly what they want from each other. Oh. I see. Fair enough. Withdrawn.
phineas Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 From the OP. but she's flipped the switch on me visiting. While together we talked about numerous plans together, etc. Basically she's said she doesn't have time to go out with friends, and can't afford to spend a weekend without working on this crazy project/thesis, etc. I read this to mean he offered to visit & she shut him down. Maybe I'm misunderstanding?
Ms. Joolie Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I read this to mean he offered to visit & she shut him down. Maybe I'm misunderstanding? I understand that they had plans to see each other, but she's no longer making herself available and is too busy for him now. It could be that now that the semester has started, those plans are no longer working for her, and they need new plans if they want to see each other. He definitely needs to talk this out with her. It should become obvious if she's just not available to him period, or she really doesn't know how to manage everything at once and she just needs help in adjusting to everything. I'm hoping on the latter, and think it would be great if the OP could help her out and visit her this first time around, if he's really interested.
Author Wallace1 Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 Thanks for all the replies, I hadn't considered that my feelings weren't clear to her. I'm not convinced they aren't since I've said how much I liked her and she responded saying she liked me a lot, just that it was terrible timing for her. Before she left, we discussed me visiting later this month for her birthday party, and since then she's said she isn't having one. I then offered to come, take her to stay somewhere else in the city (college in NYC) to take her mind off school when she needed a break, and the response was "yeah but it can't be craziness" which seemed like a positive. In any case, I've been taking a few days off contact and let her be the first to call/text, which she has each time. Our next conversation, I plan to spell out my feelings, and just flat out ask whether she's interested in a relationship (which would mean adjusting to her schedule until May) or if I should just get over it.
phineas Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I wouldn't hit her with that while she's at school. It's just a couple months till end of classes. Just don't prioritize her. Go out with friends. When she texts tell her your our with friends & will get back to her. Friendzone her. If she brings up the "I like you" stuff then tell her you'd like to take her out on a date when she's done with classes. Her only excuse then is she just isn't that into you. Who knows, you might meet someone else in that time.
Author Wallace1 Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 After thinking about it for a day or so, I agree with Phineas. I'm done with this. If she approaches me 4 months from now, we'll see what happens.
Author Wallace1 Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 To Update, It seems that this "super chaotic final semester" looming in front of her was overwhelming at the outset, and that initial panic has subsided. I laid off for the last week, and she's asked me to come visit, apologizing for not doing so earlier. In the meantime, I managed to go on a couple "first dates" this past week and realized I wanted no part of that until this other situation plays out. (I don't have any problem meeting new women, but finding one I legitimately want a relationship with has always been a struggle). In any case, thanks for the advice!
phineas Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 aint it strange how this always happens? The second you stop chasing them they all of a sudden have some free time.
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