want2relax Posted January 3, 2004 Posted January 3, 2004 Hi everyone, Some of this is new to me because I have become engaged or married in a short time. Been married twice and engaged to another man had a very serious relationship so kinda like three times as we lived together. I'm in my 40's and the man I am seeing is my age few years older and been married three times. I'm trying to take things at face value since I have been married as well. I divorce this last time for severe abuse and he for the ex's cheating for a few years. He seems to be a good man (I've heard from many including my grown kids who know others). So how do you give someone a chance as you would like one? I'm happy he seems happy so that's why I'm in it. He is fun, sincere, faithful and a good dad to the kids. I am having trouble with patience in taking things slow, considering my record in being married-2 months living together, then married after 5 weeks, then about 4 months got married 3rd time. The first man I loved, he was also married 2x then the 3rd one was with over 20 years, so I'm trying to believe a person's past IS their PAST and want this relationship to work. And myself as well. Now this man says he takes things slow, and the ex #3 they dated for 4-5 years before getting married, I don't know the engagement time frame of those years and she cheated the last 2-3 of 16 so he filed. How do I develop PATIENCE and understand "dating" and remain COMFORTABLE while dating. It's just there are SO many losers, abusers, drunks and stuff that a good man IS hard to find, especially one who treats you decently, is affectionate, and that I am actually attracted to. It's been 6 months of steady dating. He says he doen't want to get engaged tomorrow and married the next day and he DOES want a commitment aka marriage and wants us to start talking to a pastor. He says he IS commited and we are both "there" because we want to be. We met almost 2 years ago through an acquaintance and chatted here and there, and a year ago after filing and being separated, we talked even more and he was saying things (while out and a little tipsy) about my being ready to take care of a couple more children things like that. He was separated for almost a year and divorced and I left over a year ago for good and granted my divorce while we have been with each other. I like the kids, it's cool it feels good with the custody arrangement and all and everything blends very well. How do I develop patience AND enjoy without getting anxious?
Skittles Posted January 4, 2004 Posted January 4, 2004 Hi want2 First I wish you luck in this relationship..I hope it's the marriage that will take you to Golden Pond. I am not qualified to give you advice on this, and I think talking to a professional might be the way to go only because you and who you have chosen as a mate, have had prior marriages, divorces, etc....Am I right? And it seems to me that you have developed a certain relationship pattern or style of relating over the years.. You may want to make sure you are truly happy and have realistic expectations with your current guy and that any residual issues are dealt with so that they don't contaminate what you have now. Oh and relax, you certainly deserve to after years of pursuing happiness.. I admire your persistence.
want2relax Posted January 4, 2004 Posted January 4, 2004 Thank you for your reply. Yes, we have each been married 3x (one of mine was a LTR only engaged and lived together a short time but we got back together after many years LONG story) but I still considered a REAL relationship. We are not engaged but are together and it FEELS good and right and everything. If some little things are the worst we ever have to deal with, then everyone should be so lucky. I just don't know HOW to relax while waiting for a proposal. He sure hints every which way, and do you think talking about going to see the pastor means anything?
xalysabethh Posted January 4, 2004 Posted January 4, 2004 I dont have much to offer excpet my own experience and that i'm in a similar situation now. I have been with two people in the past 9 years. both were pretty fast. one was my high school sweetheart who i was with on annd off for the past 9 years and we lived together since like 16 and the other was one of the times me and him were off i was with this other guy for about 6 months. and with him, he moved in my house after like a month.. so i know the feeling of moving too fast. i am now dating someone who also goes fast (hes been married twice ) and we agreed to take it slow we are trying hard.. we boht want to move in together etc But we are trying to take things slow. i lack patience at times but i try to remind myself it is for the best hopefully i'll contunie having patience , and hopefully things will go well for you too :0) xalsyabeth
befuddled11 Posted January 4, 2004 Posted January 4, 2004 Originally posted by want2relax Hi everyone, Some of this is new to me because I have become engaged or married in a short time. Been married twice and engaged to another man had a very serious relationship so kinda like three times as we lived together. I'm in my 40's and the man I am seeing is my age few years older and been married three times. I'm trying to take things at face value since I have been married as well. I divorce this last time for severe abuse and he for the ex's cheating for a few years. He seems to be a good man (I've heard from many including my grown kids who know others). So how do you give someone a chance as you would like one? I'm happy he seems happy so that's why I'm in it. He is fun, sincere, faithful and a good dad to the kids. I am having trouble with patience in taking things slow, considering my record in being married-2 months living together, then married after 5 weeks, then about 4 months got married 3rd time. The first man I loved, he was also married 2x then the 3rd one was with over 20 years, so I'm trying to believe a person's past IS their PAST and want this relationship to work. And myself as well. Now this man says he takes things slow, and the ex #3 they dated for 4-5 years before getting married, I don't know the engagement time frame of those years and she cheated the last 2-3 of 16 so he filed. How do I develop PATIENCE and understand "dating" and remain COMFORTABLE while dating. It's just there are SO many losers, abusers, drunks and stuff that a good man IS hard to find, especially one who treats you decently, is affectionate, and that I am actually attracted to. It's been 6 months of steady dating. He says he doen't want to get engaged tomorrow and married the next day and he DOES want a commitment aka marriage and wants us to start talking to a pastor. He says he IS commited and we are both "there" because we want to be. We met almost 2 years ago through an acquaintance and chatted here and there, and a year ago after filing and being separated, we talked even more and he was saying things (while out and a little tipsy) about my being ready to take care of a couple more children things like that. He was separated for almost a year and divorced and I left over a year ago for good and granted my divorce while we have been with each other. I like the kids, it's cool it feels good with the custody arrangement and all and everything blends very well. How do I develop patience AND enjoy without getting anxious?
befuddled11 Posted January 4, 2004 Posted January 4, 2004 Originally posted by want2relax It's just there are SO many losers, abusers, drunks and stuff that a good man IS hard to find, especially one who treats you decently, is affectionate, and that I am actually attracted to. ? Yes, this *IS* true, but how does rushing things have any bearing on the above? Neither of you have good relationship track records. I hope you have BOTH done a LOT of soul searching and self-reflection, to figure out YOUR PARTS in the past ended marriages (there's always 2 parts), so that history doesn't repeat itself. One or both of you may have a real history of picking the wrong partners, but it could be many other things, too. When you rush into getting engaged and married to someone you really don't know (good god, you don't hardly know someone enough to marry them at the 5 week mark!!!), you miss very pertinent "red flags".....and you lose your objectivity.....and you get so caught up in the newness and excitement of things that you aren't seeing clearly. I understand your anxiety to a degree. I am 36 and I feel somewhat pressured to hurry up and find someone good, so that I can at least have one child before it's too late...and the life I've wanted for almost all my life (good husband, loving home, children, etc)........but I was divorced 9 yrs ago (abusive marriage)...and as much as I know my clock is ticking and I deeply want to have a husband, I also don't want to make another mistake of picking the "wrong person"....and end up in misery again. Life is short. Picking the person to spend the rest of your life with is a huge decision....and you just shouldn't rush the "process." Your new guy is very correct and wise in his desire to take things slowly........it's a very GOOD thing that he feels this way....it probably shows that he doesn't take marriage lightly and doesn't want to have another divorce down the road. Be careful...pushing someone into rushing things can be a death sentence..and can totally scare them off/push them away/cause you to lose them. You need to get at the real ROOT of why you have a history of wanting to rush into marriage so quickly. Have you ever considered counselling to help figure this out?
Skittles Posted January 4, 2004 Posted January 4, 2004 ] just don't know HOW to relax while waiting for a proposal. He sure hints every which way, and do you think talking about going to see the pastor means anything? Want2 If you feel comfortable talking to a pastor about your concerns, then that is an option. But I was thinking more in terms of a life coach or therapist of some kind...someone who could get you to zone in on past behaviors and look at them to make sure they aren't tripping you up now. It would be your job then to figure out what they where and why they were... Why do I say that. Well it has been my experience that anytime I would go into a panic or get anxious about a relationship or lack of one, there was a reason behind it.....all to do with ME. Maybe I was feeling insecure, if so why? Maybe I chose MR. WRONG to be in a relationship with, if so why? Maybe I wasn't admitting something to myself about almost anything like... *Is he available to love me. *Does he treat me with respect. *Am I available to love him. *Do I treat myself with respect...etc..etc. Do I have a self-image problem..A financial issue ...on and on... You say you don't know how to relax while waiting for a proposal, as if you are waiting for the other shoe to drop . Do you think he won't ask you to marry him...Maybe you really don't want to be married and don't know how to be any other way... There is a reason for your anxiety (and I need to edit myself otherwise I will be going on and on.) About his hinting, well, maybe he is hesitant to ask you to marry him because you are pinning the anxiety meter and he is sensing that. IMO, go back to square one....You. Figure out, with help if need be, what is going on with you, what you truly want, know that you deserve it, decide if you love him and if YOU want to marry him....then sit back and let nature take it's course.. Have faith... Oh and try decaff...
want2relax Posted January 7, 2004 Posted January 7, 2004 This is a reply to the last TWO posts. And thank you both I guess the main reason for hurriedness is my age/looks. Wrinkles, sags, bags, the whole shmeel, as things linger on. Yes, my abusive ex did a LOT of damage on my self esteem/looks. Add thathere AREN'T many "nice guys" around that I am attracted to, and how women outnumber men, those are my honest reasons. I like many guys as FRIENDS (say hello, talk to) but NOT interested sexually (eventually) or attracted (as in kissing, hugging other than a friendly hug, just no attraction) it takes someone VERY special to put a notch in my bedpost. Not into recreational sex AT ALL. There I HAVE patience. NEVER had a one night stand or 'for the moment" gratification. Yes he does not take vows lightly. If he is honest, he has said he never cheated on any of his wives. I am a GIRLFRIEND. He has said it feels like I am his wife. He says things like "we're thick" and "it's serious" if that means anything and he hoped what attracted me to him was that he is sensible. I guess I want to belong to him. My first time was a GOOD choice (partner) it was me. Loved him but not IN love and never ended the deal with the 1st man in my life (that went off and on even when apart). Once I recognized my faults I got a divorce, he wanted to stay married (children etc.). The 2nd (or 3rd) however you view it, I never KNEW the signs of abuse or alcoholism/addiction. And I know SOME relationships take 2, but I will VOUCH I accept little to NO blame for that fiasco, I went for help, you name it since I had another child + my first set of kids. Al-anon, AA (for THEIR reasoning), CoDA, counseling, pastor, now THAT takes 2 who are willing. He was NON communicative, mean, cruel, bullyish, beat me, I could do NOTHING right. I beat ME up for several years before I accepted it was NOT me after all. And I had a "normal" man to compare notes about. The one man I was in love with for many years, it didn't work out. I now know what/who I want. He says we live together (I have thought that before he even said it). Essentially, I go to work and everything else is with him and his children during their stay. I do have my own activities and interests of course and try to inject them into the family surrounding so that's cool. I don't give "me" up. It is safe, warm and calm, a family setting. Day to day differences of kids is about it as far as "problems" go if that. A GOOD boring so to speak. Mutual respect, kindness, affection, caring. I prayed for this type of relationship and family connection since my kids are grown and with the ex, that was a fiasco with the abuse, so I prayed for a 2nd chance for a family. His Mom says she doesn't understand about his relationships (what happened) and people don't understand my abusive ex (I take responsibility for the "decent" marriage). He is a decent guy like his Mom says. It seems like HE took a lot of "abuse" from what I have heard and could gather. I just want him to know I am a good woman. He tells me I am a wonderful woman, a gem. We go to Church together and are a good team. BTW I am decaffed, I have huge adrenalin rushes, don't even drink Coke
want2relax Posted January 7, 2004 Posted January 7, 2004 Originally posted by befuddled11 Yes, this *IS* true, but how does rushing things have any bearing on the above? Neither of you have good relationship track records. I hope you have BOTH done a LOT of soul searching and self-reflection, to figure out YOUR PARTS in the past ended marriages (there's always 2 parts), Your new guy is very correct and wise in his desire to take things slowly........it's a very GOOD thing that he feels this way....it probably shows that he doesn't take marriage lightly and doesn't want to have another divorce down the road. You need to get at the real ROOT of why you have a history of wanting to rush into marriage so quickly. Have you ever considered counselling to help figure this out? It has BEARING because he is a rarity. We both have been too tolerant. I agree with quaote three. Answer: security in the relationship. Knowing someone VALUES marriage helps me relax (when married) that they will seek help, do whatever is necessary to correct problems. I'd rather "go for it" and work out the kinks as we go along, considering (thank Goodness) the kinks aren't abuse, infidelity or anything major.
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