sweetblubrry Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 (edited) I met this guy on match.com on Dec 30th. We went on our first date and it was wonderful! The next two days we went on our second and third date. Each time got even better. In the beginning he was very affectionate and forward. Probably way more than he should have been! He would text me all the time, send me messages on fb, said he missd me after a day, etc. We saw each other 2-3x a week and he would drive out to see me even though I live an hour and a half away on a whim. He told me back then that he has no interest in looking for anyone else because I'm what he's looking for. I said the same thing. So we've dated since then and each time is so great. Within a few weeks I did notice he started being distant through online and texting. He wasn't as constant in contact like he was before But when we hang out everything is fine. I know guys don't have to stay in contact constantly, but still. I'm used to more at this point. I've stayed over at his place a few times (no sex) and he's met my family (a month in, and I live at home he came over to watch tv) and I met his family this past weekend when we went to a theme park. And it was HIM who planned this event. And everything was fantastic!!! What I don't understand is why he won't make it official? And why he is so distant between the times we hang out? My friends tell me I'm overreacting and that he's not "distant". It seems to happen a lot. But he always ends up coming back and everything is fine. He's been more affectionate than ever lately and it really feels like we are a couple! Could he have just been too forward in the beginning, realized it, and now is pulling back? So I don't understand why he won't make it official, am I jumping the gun here? I am used to being in a relationship by now. He also hasn't mentioned V-day and I am not sure what to do. I am nervous because I know if he doesn't do anything (heck i'd be happy just to see him) i will be upset and it will change the way I feel about him. I know he is a very busy guy, and has said so himself and he has a really great job. I'm also in school fulltime and have a part-time job. He hasn't really talked to me since we spent time with his family a few days ago and it went really well so I don't think that is an issue. I am very insecure when it comes to keeping in contact. The more, the better for me. One thing, he was engaged before and I'm wondering if that is what might be scaring him? He has said that I am a lot like his ex, and that I am definitely the sweetest girl he's ever dated. I don't know why I'm so hung up on labels. I am up and down all the time. I usually "freak out" if I haven't heard from him in a few days and think its all over. Then we hang out and i'm on cloud 9 again. Some weeks i get more from him and some less and it drive me crazy When I don't hear from him I start getting all parenoid. What is wrong with me, or is there something wrong with this situation? Does it sound like he wants to take it slow? i really like him and want it to work. he makes it very clear he really likes me too when we are in person. I'm also wondering if its necessary to have the "relationship talk" because it sure feels like we are in one when we hang out! I have always had the talk. I am not used to this. Someone help! if it helps, he's 26 and i'm 24. Edited February 10, 2010 by sweetblubrry
soulm8 Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 (edited) I know how you feel and it's frustrating isn't it? I like to think of myself as self confident but I too catch myself wondering when I don't hear from a guy for a few days. I have noticed guys tend to come on strong and "secure" us and then for some reason, they relax and focus on their own stuff for a bit. Something to keep in mind is that they do prefer to be the pursuer, so try very hard to only respond to him until you know him really well. Do stuff with your friends and don't wait around for him to call... Edited February 10, 2010 by soulm8
Author sweetblubrry Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 Thanks I do try to show him that I have a life by going out with my friends and stuff, and he does the same. I just want more at this point you know? We are both professionals and busy but do find time to spend together. I just am used to having more contact by now or having it be a relationship. I get so insecure when he doesn't talk to me for a few days.
soulm8 Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I don't know what else to say because I'm in the same boat, except my guy clearly stated he wanted to be in a monogamous relationship. It's confusing to go from daily contact to nothing without wondering if they've had a change of heart. He introduced me to his son, and just started a new job, plus we haven't had sex yet, so I'm not overly worried. Next time you talk (like I plan to), maybe let him know you missed him and wondered why he wasn't in touch. It's subtle and hopefully not too clingy... Anyone? Help us out!!
counterman Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 First of all, you say that you have noticed that he has been distant between dates but whenever you go on a date it is fine. Maybe you are right, maybe he just pulled back because he thought he was going too fast at the start. Maybe he is really busy with his job . Think is, we don't know. I think if you are not sure about something, just ask him. How do you feel about us being exclusive and being in an official relationship (so to speak)? You could sit here and just try to guess but, if you really want to know, just ask him. And, if you are interested in contacting him during between dates, give him a call and just chat! Yes, definitely do other things as well with your friends.
Author sweetblubrry Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 I am planning on asking him after Valentine's day to see if he does anything. I have friends that tell me if he doesn't do anything at all, even acknowledge the day, that its a red flag. We also only really talk online and thru texts in between. I am not a phone person and he's always on the phone all day with work. I actually did ask him awhile back (2 weeks in) how he felt about how things were going. I didn't bring up relationship b/c I felt it was too soon. He did say he was concerned that I was too uptight for him. But its been almost a month since then and he has definitely become more affectionate and we are still dating so I guess that was just a minor issue. I was also very nervous around him lol. So i dunno! Its so frustrating!!
counterman Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 If you guys are still dating, then that "uptight" issue that was brought up earlier does not matter. As you said, he is more affectionate now which is always good. Just stick to your plan and see what happens. Though, bare in mind, some people do not celebrate Valentine's day. If you really want to do something with him that day, then ask him out, giving him a chance to relax from his new job by being with you.
Author sweetblubrry Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 Well I invited him to my perfomance by asking him if he'd like to come this weekend. he asked what day cause he had plans on saturday and could probably do sunday and it was on sunday. So he's coming! Then I said I know its valentine's day no worries I am just happy to see you. And nothing!! He never responded. I am kind of upset by that. My friend said he's avoiding the topic but doesn't know why. What do you think? I don't get it cause I basically took the pressure off of him. I'm definitely having a talk, even if it falls on that day. I'm tired of this up and down all the time. Is so affectionate one week and the next he barely talks to me. He usually does bounce back though but its so frustrating! Do I have a right to be upset?
soulm8 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Then I said I know its valentine's day no worries I am just happy to see you. And nothing!! He never responded. I am kind of upset by that. Do I have a right to be upset? You're entitled to your feelings, but "a right to be upset"... hmmm. I know where you're coming from, however, it's up to us to communicate our expectations and to learn what his are. If he's doing things that make you unhappy, you do need to put everything into perspective and decide how to proceed.
torranceshipman Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I think he is still dating other people, or has someone else in the frame who wants to see him on V-day, or, he just enjoys the dating but doesn't want the girlfriend boyfriend thing, or who knows. It was pretty rude of him to ignore your V-Day comment and you two are now only seeing eachother on V-Day because you arranged it, and because it is a coincidence on the day he is free. That's not romantic!!! Well...see how it goes....you never know! I didn't like the uptight comment though...if in doubt - ask him how he feels. Maybe ask him if he is seeing other people?
Author sweetblubrry Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 Well he ended up going to my concert on Sunday/valentine's but he didn't do anything special and we've been dating 1.5 months. I was the one that invited him. It kind of bothers me wondering that if I didn't invite him, would we even have seen each other that day? He said he really enjoyed it. But he also brought all his work and was working on it while I was warming up. And we went out for a bite to eat afterwards but he ended up leaving after that to go to his friends place to work on more stuff. So I didn't get any special quality time with him. I've also been wondering whats going on like I said earlier that he's been more distant. And I've been the one making the plans the last 2 weeks. I can't figure out if its cause he's busy, scared, or just plain losing interest. But I feel that if he was losing interest, why would he come to my concert when he could have just said no? How do you go from meeting family, spending romantic nights together, etc and talking all the time to being distant like this? He IS a busy guy, and very passionate about his job.. but where do you draw the line? I am seeing him this week too (I set it up once again) and I plan to talk to him about what his intentions are. But I am not sure how to bring it up or what exactly to say. Its been real upsetting to me because I really thought we were progressing and all the sudden he is backing off.
Kamille Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 Or you could stop setting plans up and let him take the lead.
Author sweetblubrry Posted February 17, 2010 Author Posted February 17, 2010 This is the last time I'm setting up plans, I wanted to so I could talk to him about this. Because its driving me crazy. I hate talking on the phone, I like to do it in person. After that, its in his court. I am not one to chase a guy.
sugarmomma Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 I am not one to chase a guy. You have been sort of chasing with all the initiating plans and stuff. I wouldn't bother with the "talk" since his behavior speaks volumes. Just chill and get busy with your life i.e stop being available and let him wonder what's going on with you. Men don't like to be pressured with the "talk". I would suggest just being less available, observe his behavior and make a decision as to whether he meets your needs or not. I would just dump him. I hate guys who play the push/pull game. So juvenile.
Kamille Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 You have been sort of chasing with all the initiating plans and stuff. I wouldn't bother with the "talk" since his behavior speaks volumes. Just chill and get busy with your life i.e stop being available and let him wonder what's going on with you. Men don't like to be pressured with the "talk". I would suggest just being less available, observe his behavior and make a decision as to whether he meets your needs or not. I would just dump him. I hate guys who play the push/pull game. So juvenile. +1 on all sugarmomma says.
boogieboy Posted February 17, 2010 Posted February 17, 2010 I can see it from this guys point of view. He's busy with work, and he isnt the type of guy that needs constant communication, he just likes to know youre there for him. He isnt dependent on your communication like you are for his. It was his fault that he kept in contact with you every day, and set the precident, now you expect that for the rest of your life. (You really shouldnt depend on that, you should have youre own life, but anyways) I dont think he is losing interest, he just contacts you when he wants to hear from you. Since you dont contact him when you want to hear from him, then you get what you get. Doesnt mean he likes you any less, he has you where he wants you, and he's busy with work. You think you really need more from him, but you really dont. You just WANT more to be satisfied. You dont need more, just go get a life and he'll call you when he wants to hear from you, since you dont want to chase.
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