Don'tWannabeAWannabe Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 (edited) I know it's unattractive for a guy to feel desperate or even lonely at times, but I can't help it. That's really how I feel inside. It's just that my dating and social life have taken a turn for the worse ever since I graduated college and moved back home last year. Sure, I have a great job and I'm financially stable, but I've moved away from everyone I know and the life I built for myself in college. I don't know anyone here at home. And the fact that I live with my parents in the suburbs doesn't help either. I went to school in a big city, and it was so easy to meet people. All I ever do is work and read and play music with my band, which is really my only social life, but still, once or twice a week, I'll drive to the city just for the night life (which is a good 1 hr drive from home; 1.5 hrs if there's traffic) and I'll hit up the bars and the clubs. And there are so many girls there; beautiful girls with shimmering mini-dresses and shiny, glossy hair and beautiful skin and eyes and everything, but they're all clustered together and hunkered down either with friends and or with other guys. You never see a halfway attractive girl alone at the club. I just don't know how a single guy can break into one of these groups. Usually I'm too afraid to even try to talk to some of these girls, but sometimes, I'll get so tired and frustrated of just sitting quietly that I'll make a move. But all I ever get are blank stares, short, curt barely-conservations or even get ignored completely. And it's completely humiliating and hurtful, and I feel worse than before. And I don't understand why I can't meet any of these girls. I'm educated, I'm ambitious, I'm financially stable. I'm artistically talented. I groom well and always shower and brush my teeth before the club. I dress well; my favorite outfit is black dress shoes, slim fitting gray pinstripe dress pants, a black belt with a simple chrome square buckle, a sky-blue dress shirt with the top 2 buttons undone (so I don't look uptight) and, depending on the weather, gray wool pea coat) Still, it's just so hard getting these girls to open themselves up to me, and when I get a cold blank stare or uninterested responses or even get blown off entirely, it makes me feel like I'm not a man. And I can't help "Wow. Jeez. What is wrong with me? Do I come off a weird? Creepy? Unpleasant to talk to?" Like I said, maybe they can sense I've been getting desperate all these months deep inside. I try to hide it, but sometimes I feel like the more I try to hide it, the more of it seeps out; like squishing a balloon; you squeeze one end and the other expands. I've had girlfriends before; beautiful, gorgeous girlfriends in college that other guys were jealous of. I just don't understand why I can't do it again right now for some reason. I just don't want it to be like this anymore. I'm tired of having no one to spend my time with. What can I do? Edited February 10, 2010 by Don'tWannabeAWannabe
You'reasian Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I know it's unattractive for a guy to feel desperate or even lonely at times, but I can't help it. That's really how I feel inside. It's just that my dating and social life have taken a turn for the worse ever since I graduated college and moved back home last year. Sure, I have a great job and I'm financially stable, but I've moved away from everyone I know and the life I built for myself in college. I don't know anyone here at home. And the fact that I live in the suburbs doesn't help either. I went to school in a big city, and it was so easy to meet people. All I ever do is work and read and play music with my band, which is really my only social life, but still, once or twice a week, I'll drive to the city just for the night life (which is a good 1 hr drive from home; 1.5 hrs if there's traffic) and I'll hit up the bars and the clubs. And there's so many girls there; beautiful girls with shimmering mini-dresses and shiny, glossy hair and beautiful skin and eyes and everything, but they're all clustered together and hunkered down either with friends and or with other guys. You never see a halfway attractive girl alone at the club. I just don't know how a single guy can break into one of these groups. Usually I'm too afraid to even try to talk to some of these girls, but sometimes, I'll get so tired and frustrated of just sitting quietly that I'll make a move. But all I ever get are blank stares, short, curt barely-conservations or even get ignored completely. And it's completely humiliating and hurtful, and I feel worse than before. And I don't understand why I can't meet any of these girls. I'm educated, I'm ambitious, I'm financially stable. I'm artistically talented. I groom well and always shower and brush my teeth before the club. I dress well; my favorite outfit is black dress shoes, slim fitting gray pinstripe dress pants, a black belt with a simple chrome square buckle, a sky-blue dress shirt with the top 2 buttons undone (so I don't look uptight) and, depending on the weather, gray wool pea coat) Still, it's just so hard getting these girls to open themselves up to me, and when I get a cold blank stare or uninterested responses or even get blown off entirely, it makes me feel like I'm not a man. And I can't help "Wow. Jeez. What is wrong with me? Do I come off a weird? Creepy? Unpleasant to talk to?" I've had girlfriends before; beautiful, gorgeous girlfriends in college that other guys were jealous of. I just don't understand why I can't do it again right now for some reason. I just don't want it to be like this anymore. I'm tired of having no one to spend my time with. What can I do? Lots of unspoken rules about the bar scene. For instance, Walk into a bar or hiphop dance club alone = creep Walk in with your buddies = approachable Walk in with two smokin hot lady friends = you're the man, other women wonder if you're available... No offense to any one here, but the only thing women in bars have to offer are their looks, obviously. Barring that, its going to be personality and crotch grinding.... There are other clubs, though. its cool to walk into a latin club alone and are behaving yourself, you're approachable. Different culture. If you can show that you really can dance (we're talkin' salsa, meringue, cumbia, bachata) pretty well, you're going to be dancing all night, with very attractive, very cool women and just might get some phone numbers.
aroll32 Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I'm really sorry to hear all this man. I personally don't have much advice other than this. You don't need someone else to feel good inside. You sound like a cool dude, and it would puzzle me as to why I couldn't get a girl either if I were in your situation. But what you should do is get your band to play a show at a club or bar. It will make you feel good, and if you guys are decently good, I'm sure some girls would come up to you after the show. Just keep trucking, we all get down every once in a while. It will get better, everything goes in cycles. And obviously now you are in the lower part of that cycle, but you will eventually come back up again. Just hang in there and do the best with what you have for now, don't worry about be alone. When you do, it just makes you more and more upset about how you ARE alone. Have fun by yourself, keep playing music, get some video games or something. That will help
Yamaha Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 You sound like you are to good for these bar flies. If you went around with a 8 ball of coke you would probably have all kinds of these gals begging for your attention. The life they lead is pretty empty so don't lower your standards because you are lonely. Try to make some friends and meet people that way. You have a much better chance of finding someone without issues.
Author Don'tWannabeAWannabe Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 Lots of unspoken rules about the bar scene. For instance, Walk into a bar or hiphop dance club alone = creep Walk in with your buddies = approachable Walk in with two smokin hot lady friends = you're the man, other women wonder if you're available... No offense to any one here, but the only thing women in bars have to offer are their looks, obviously. Barring that, its going to be personality and crotch grinding.... There are other clubs, though. its cool to walk into a latin club alone and are behaving yourself, you're approachable. Different culture. If you can show that you really can dance (we're talkin' salsa, meringue, cumbia, bachata) pretty well, you're going to be dancing all night, with very attractive, very cool women and just might get some phone numbers. I don't go to hip hop or Latin clubs. I tend to like the kind of clubs that play electronic music; either house, trance or ambient/chill.
sullysteve Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 This is sad. OP, you are in no condition to be picking up girls in shimmery dresses at nightclubs. To do that you need confidence, and you have none. I suggest you do one or more of the following: - Take a class at your local college in cooking, art history or literature - Take up a co-ed sport like volleyball - Volunteer at the hospital By branching out like this, you'll slowly build up your confidence. You'll also naturally be in a position to make new friends and more importantly, to meet high-quality women. What confuses me is that you play in a band; unless you guys are a flute and clarinet band, shouldn't girls be throwing their underwear at you? Chin up champ, things are looking up.
Author Don'tWannabeAWannabe Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 We haven't done any shows yet. We're still writing and learning songs. We promised not to do a show until we can play for a solid 2 hours.
Author Don'tWannabeAWannabe Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 You sound like you are to good for these bar flies. If you went around with a 8 ball of coke you would probably have all kinds of these gals begging for your attention. The life they lead is pretty empty so don't lower your standards because you are lonely. Try to make some friends and meet people that way. You have a much better chance of finding someone without issues. I've heard this more then once before from other people. Just please be honest and straight with me. Do you really need drugs to meet girls in clubs? I mean sure, I've been to clubs and on more than one occasion, and I've seen girls melt allover a guy after he flashed a vile or a pill, but is that the rule or exception?
Author Don'tWannabeAWannabe Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 This is sad. OP, you are in no condition to be picking up girls in shimmery dresses at nightclubs. To do that you need confidence, and you have none. I suggest you do one or more of the following: - Take a class at your local college in cooking, art history or literature I'm saving for grad school. I'll have no money for grad school (especially in my respective field) if I spend money on those.
hearttobreak Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Why not take the other guys in your band out with you to the clubs? Therefore, you will not be the single lone creep as YourAsian said.
Author Don'tWannabeAWannabe Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 Why not take the other guys in your band out with you to the clubs? Therefore, you will not be the single lone creep as YourAsian said. I've tried to get my band buddies out, but 2 of them are still in school, 1 of them has a night job. I've tried getting them to come out, but it's really hard to get all together to go out. Getting together just to practice is hard enough. I think we've only gone out together 3 times in several months. And to be honest, they're great guys, but I don't know how much they can help in that kind of environment. Let's just say that they're Rush-fans, if you know what I mean.
Barky Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Early to mid 20s sucks for a guy as far as dating goes. Just gotta get through it. In your late 20s, 30s things will pick up.
jenifer1972 Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I think a lot of the girls who go in packs to clubs generally have attitude and leave in packs too. If you want to meet a quality girl, I think there are better places, such as gyms, parties thrown by friends, etc, joining a dancing club. One sure way is get a cute dog and take it for walks in a city, or park or take it to a Starbucks. Or volunteer for a pet adoption center on Saturdays. Draws women in droves. Girls FLOCK to guys with cute dogs. That is why I don't let my gorgeous husband take my supercute dog for walks alone. haha:laugh:
Author Don'tWannabeAWannabe Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 I think a lot of the girls who go in packs to clubs generally have attitude and leave in packs too. If you want to meet a quality girl, I think there are better places, such as gyms, parties thrown by friends, etc, joining a dancing club. One sure way is get a cute dog and take it for walks in a city, or park or take it to a Starbucks. Or volunteer for a pet adoption center on Saturdays. Draws women in droves. Girls FLOCK to guys with cute dogs. That is why I don't let my gorgeous husband take my supercute dog for walks alone. haha:laugh: Does that really work? I really think that only works on TV, because in college, there was a guy who would bring a puppy to school every day. The dog was genuinely really sweet and cute, but all the girls knew exactly what he was up to and why he was doing it, and they didn't talk to him. Infact, a lot of girls laughed at and made fun of that guy when he wasn't around.
EnglishMuffin Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I'm saving for grad school. I'll have no money for grad school (especially in my respective field) if I spend money on those. It shouldn't be too expensive at junior colleges...especially when you take a course like cooking. Co-ed sports is a good way to meet young professionals. From what I have seen, people play for an hour or so, and afterward hit a local bar for a drink. Personally curious however, what is your field and when do you plan on going to grad school?
Author Don'tWannabeAWannabe Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 It shouldn't be too expensive at junior colleges...especially when you take a course like cooking. Co-ed sports is a good way to meet young professionals. From what I have seen, people play for an hour or so, and afterward hit a local bar for a drink. Personally curious however, what is your field and when do you plan on going to grad school? Biotechnology. I'm going to grad school once I've saved up for atleast 40% of the tuition, which should be in about 2 to 3 years. The rest will be student loans.
meerkat stew Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Do you really need drugs to meet girls in clubs? I was joking in the other thread. It's true that clubs and bars are the domain of drug users to an extent, but not that you would need drugs or want to do that, you know this already though. Do lots of young women who do the nightlife do drugs? Absolutely. Is that the type of woman you want? Absolutely not. As stated in other threads, if you want to make bars and clubs work for you, you have to put in some work. You can't just walk into a bar or club, where there is a pre-defined social network in place that is there despite you can't see it, and make headway. Unlike college, which throws a bunch of similar generally single people together, there are more rules once you leave college. Not a big deal, you just have to take some steps to make things work for you. Pick 3-4 places that tend to have lots of prospects you like and go to those exclusively. Get to know the lay of the land, especially the staff. When a woman sees you talking to staff or regulars at a bar, it boosts your social value, especially if she knows the person who has given you the "social ok" by talking to you. Some "fake it til you make it" is possible here. It is likely you are displaying traits of being out of your element in these places, because you haven't "owned" them yet. Once you begin to think of a place as one of "your" territories, your demeanor will become naturally more appealing while you are there. Going into a place and "homing in" on the female prospects there is not the way to go for most men, rather go in and get to know the bartenders, waiters and waitresses. Remember their names, don't overtip, but tip well. Get to know regulars also, male and female, old and young, attractive or not. Once a place is a locale where your social network is, meeting women there is so much easier.
Author Don'tWannabeAWannabe Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 I was joking in the other thread. It's true that clubs and bars are the domain of drug users to an extent, but not that you would need drugs or want to do that, you know this already though. Do lots of young women who do the nightlife do drugs? Absolutely. Is that the type of woman you want? Absolutely not. As stated in other threads, if you want to make bars and clubs work for you, you have to put in some work. You can't just walk into a bar or club, where there is a pre-defined social network in place that is there despite you can't see it, and make headway. Unlike college, which throws a bunch of similar generally single people together, there are more rules once you leave college. Not a big deal, you just have to take some steps to make things work for you. Pick 3-4 places that tend to have lots of prospects you like and go to those exclusively. Get to know the lay of the land, especially the staff. When a woman sees you talking to staff or regulars at a bar, it boosts your social value, especially if she knows the person who has given you the "social ok" by talking to you. Some "fake it til you make it" is possible here. It is likely you are displaying traits of being out of your element in these places, because you haven't "owned" them yet. Once you begin to think of a place as one of "your" territories, your demeanor will become naturally more appealing while you are there. Going into a place and "homing in" on the female prospects there is not the way to go for most men, rather go in and get to know the bartenders, waiters and waitresses. Remember their names, don't overtip, but tip well. Get to know regulars also, male and female, old and young, attractive or not. Once a place is a locale where your social network is, meeting women there is so much easier. What am I supposed to do while I'm there in the meantime though? Just stand around? I can probably start to recognize and remember bar staff, but we're talking about clubs; hundreds of people in and out every night, all at different times. How am I supposed to identify regulars?
You'reasian Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I think a lot of the girls who go in packs to clubs generally have attitude and leave in packs too. If you want to meet a quality girl, I think there are better places, such as gyms, parties thrown by friends, etc, joining a dancing club. One sure way is get a cute dog and take it for walks in a city, or park or take it to a Starbucks. Or volunteer for a pet adoption center on Saturdays. Draws women in droves. Girls FLOCK to guys with cute dogs. That is why I don't let my gorgeous husband take my supercute dog for walks alone. haha:laugh: Jenifer is spot on about the women in packs thing. They can get haughty and kinda man hatin' - with the you go girl attitude, especially when alcohol is involved . Not the best environment or personalities to meet someone. Doggie walkin' is a great idea!! I used to take one of my gf's dogs for a walk at the dog park and there were lots of good lookin' girls asking about the dogs...too funny, jenifer
Author Don'tWannabeAWannabe Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 I want to meet girls in clubs! If I were to go tomorrow night (which is college night for a lot of clubs) to an upscale techno/dance club, well dressed, well groomed, a spritz of expensive cologne and a pregame-swig of whiskey, how could I start a conversation, get a phone number and a date from a girl without her shutting me out or blowing me off or having her friends interfere?
Yamaha Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I want to meet girls in clubs! If I were to go tomorrow night (which is college night for a lot of clubs) to an upscale techno/dance club, well dressed, well groomed, a spritz of expensive cologne and a pregame-swig of whiskey, how could I start a conversation, get a phone number and a date from a girl without her shutting me out or blowing me off or having her friends interfere? You have to be bold and learn how to handle rejection. Why is a club girl so attractive to you?
Author Don'tWannabeAWannabe Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 You have to be bold and learn how to handle rejection. Why is a club girl so attractive to you? Seriously? Have you been to a club in a while?
Author Don'tWannabeAWannabe Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 It's just that the girls in clubs are so beautiful and vibrant and full of energy. Girls are truly at their best when they're in clubs. Where else can you find more beautiful women packed together? I'd appreciate all the advice I can get. How can I meet one of these girls tomorrow night? I'm not looking for an immediate hookup that very night. I just want a conversation, a phone number and a chance at a future date. How do I do this?
You'reasian Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 It's just that the girls in clubs are so beautiful and vibrant and full of energy. Girls are truly at their best when they're in clubs. Where else can you find more beautiful women packed together? I'd appreciate all the advice I can get. How can I meet one of these girls tomorrow night? I'm not looking for an immediate hookup that very night. I just want a conversation, a phone number and a chance at a future date. How do I do this? At their best in the clubs??? Clubs are bad places to meet women for anything serious.
callingyouuu Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 It's just that the girls in clubs are so beautiful and vibrant and full of energy. Girls are truly at their best when they're in clubs. Where else can you find more beautiful women packed together? I'd appreciate all the advice I can get. How can I meet one of these girls tomorrow night? I'm not looking for an immediate hookup that very night. I just want a conversation, a phone number and a chance at a future date. How do I do this? I also disagree with the notion that the club scene is where you'll find them at their best. Unless if "at their best" means at their most scantily clothed and excessively makeup-ed. If you're looking for a girl at the club scene, you're going to need to play the club game. I don't know if you're familiar with the show "The Pick-Up Artist", but for the scene you're looking for, that show has some invaluable tips. Or just take a look at a book on becoming a Pick-Up Artist. Most people on Loveshack (and a huge chunk in real life, for that matter) don't like PUAs, mainly because they're jerks, but it's hard to argue with the idea that they're REALLY GOOD at working the club scene. Club girls are attractive, but often are hiding their low self-esteem. That kind of venue is nothing more than a numbers game, and the PUA techniques do that best. When you're done with club girls, come back and we'll talk about finding a quality girl.
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