I'm not sure if i love my husband anymore..

[SweetGirrl]

My husband and I have been married for two years now and we have an 18 month old daughter and another daughter on the way. He is five years older than I am, he is sweet, and a hard worker, ethical, handsome, charming, and amazing husband and father. We got married only three months after we met. I got pregnant and we really needed insurance. The thing is, even though the decisions we made were indeed hasty, we really have been in love and happy up until recently. I got pregnant with this second child in October (she was another surprise ) and ever since this pregnancy began I just can't stand my husband while he is home. I miss him while he is gone for the most part, but when he is home I just want nothing to do with him. I don't want to have sex and when we do have sex the once a week I allow it I hate it. I'm not affectionate with him which is strange for me because I am an incredibly affectionate person most of the time. When he tells me he loves me It's like I have to FORCE myself to say it back to him which also isn't like me. I don't like talking to him. When he talks I'm just irritated. None of this is like me. I am such an openly loving person, but not lately. We are pretty unhappy at this point. I don't know what to do or think. i don't know if I am going through prenatal depression and my hormones are completely out of whack....i'm so worried though because I know that I couldn't live without him. What should I do??? I would really like some opinions.

[sominret]

I think that you married too fast! 3 months is not enough to get to know someone really well. If you are feeling now the way you say in your post, it's obvious you don't love him anymore. Maybe you are just trying to make it work for your kids' sake, but if you still love him, you probably need to discuss this with him and see if you come up with a solution.

[Nau of the Firefox]

first off, I'm a guy so i can't help you with a first hand experience but i can give you a third persons perspective.

 

It sounds to me that hormones are just messing with you. There is probably some really small stupid issue at the root that you can't remember but your subconscious does (i am not a psychologist). All the hormones are doing is magnifying your stress over it (even though you can't remember it) and making all your feelings towards him seem smaller. plus you are letting have sex (if once a week) which means you do still love him in my book, the reduced amount is a signal to me that says you are mad about something.

 

so IF this is whats happening, or something close, tell him about this (maybe show him this thread) and AFTER TELLING HIM WHATS GOING ON wait it out until you give birth. after that if there is still an issue a week later (let hormones settle) talk to him and go from there.

 

hope i helped ^_^

[cuppa]

It could also be prenatal hormone. It's actually pretty common, I know a few friends who can't stand their husbands (even hate them or can't stand looking at them) while they were pregnant and things go back to normal after postnatal.

 

Did you consult your OBGYN about this? I would say, don't make any hasty decision, it could as well be the hormone. In fact, in asia, we called this as one of those pregnant woman's cravings.

 

My best friend is pregnant right now and she's cussing out her husband for one hour because the husband forgot to put a kosher for his coffee.

 

Regardless, husband has been warned and he's very patient with her. So since you are pregnant, take this easy and consult with your physician too. this feeling might pass.....and I wish someone could tell your husband not to take this personally.

[SweetGirrl]

Thank you. My husband is trying so hard to be patient with me, but I know I am crushing his spirits (and his ego). I have a prenatal appointment next week, so I am indeed going to talk to my doctor about it. I'm going to see if I can get on some safe anti-depressants and maybe even find a good psychologist so I can talk out what ever underlying problems I may be having. I was actually supposed to see him a couple of Wednesdays ago after i had a complete emotional break down but had to cancel because I couldn't find a baby sitter. Thank you for making things me and my marriage sound less hopeless. =) I'm definitely beginning to think that this is a hormonal thing.

[mem11363]

1. Is he ALWAYS nice to you or does he use a sharp tone of voice with you when you are being mean/rude inconsiderate?

2. Is he ALWAYS wanting to spend time with you, talk to you, touch you, when he is home? Does he crowd you, make you feel a little claustrophobic?

3. What happens when he disagrees with what you want to do?

4. Has he ever stuck up for himself strongly when you are being difficult?

5. Has he ever said "if you don't want to be with me - I can live with that - and we can just part ways"

6. Do you have a healthy fear of him, or zero fear of him?

7. Does he seem afraid of you/intimidated by you?

8. Who apologizes the most when you fight?

9. Who holds out the olive branch first when you are arguing?

 

8 and 9 are different - for me - I apologize more but my wife holds out the olive branch more to initiate discussions when we are not talking for a day due to a fight.

 

Answer this and then I will have an opinion about whether this has anything to do with hormones or if you simply have a man who is rapidly turning into a kind/loving/spineless/conflict avoidant/wimp who you simply cannot respect.

 

 

Thank you. My husband is trying so hard to be patient with me, but I know I am crushing his spirits (and his ego). I have a prenatal appointment next week, so I am indeed going to talk to my doctor about it. I'm going to see if I can get on some safe anti-depressants and maybe even find a good psychologist so I can talk out what ever underlying problems I may be having. I was actually supposed to see him a couple of Wednesdays ago after i had a complete emotional break down but had to cancel because I couldn't find a baby sitter. Thank you for making things me and my marriage sound less hopeless. =) I'm definitely beginning to think that this is a hormonal thing.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you. My husband is trying so hard to be patient with me, but I know I am crushing his spirits (and his ego). I have a prenatal appointment next week, so I am indeed going to talk to my doctor about it. I'm going to see if I can get on some safe anti-depressants and maybe even find a good psychologist so I can talk out what ever underlying problems I may be having. I was actually supposed to see him a couple of Wednesdays ago after i had a complete emotional break down but had to cancel because I couldn't find a baby sitter. Thank you for making things me and my marriage sound less hopeless. =) I'm definitely beginning to think that this is a hormonal thing.

 

Great idea. And yes there are safe antid's for you to go on. My bestfriend went on one during her pregnancy and it was safe, even with breast feeding afterwards.

 

It sounds like a hormone thing. Just keep things in perspective. He's a good guy, good father, loving husband.

 

Make time for one another though, even when your child goes to sleep, talk and cuddle up, let him take care of you, rub your feet, etc..

 

Hope you make another appt, it'll help you.

[SweetGirrl]

My husband is certainly NOT a spineless wimp. I don't think a spineless wimp would juggle a full time job, a part time job AND school to be sure that he can make the best future he can for his children and ourselves and still allow me to stay home.

[mem11363]

For your own sake, please read the questions again and answer them. I should have left out the inflammatory language at the bottom of my post.

 

Seriously - this might be a very fixable situation - but only if you address it realistically. Something is very broken in how he interacts with you - and that is why you to feel the way you do. Start with my questions - they are based on a lot of observation of situations that sound like yours.

 

 

My husband is certainly NOT a spineless wimp. I don't think a spineless wimp would juggle a full time job, a part time job AND school to be sure that he can make the best future he can for his children and ourselves and still allow me to stay home.

[cuppa]

Thank you. My husband is trying so hard to be patient with me, but I know I am crushing his spirits (and his ego). I have a prenatal appointment next week, so I am indeed going to talk to my doctor about it. I'm going to see if I can get on some safe anti-depressants and maybe even find a good psychologist so I can talk out what ever underlying problems I may be having. I was actually supposed to see him a couple of Wednesdays ago after i had a complete emotional break down but had to cancel because I couldn't find a baby sitter. Thank you for making things me and my marriage sound less hopeless. =) I'm definitely beginning to think that this is a hormonal thing.

 

I tried to remember earlier which friend that had specifically severe case like this and finally remembered that it was actually my sister in law.

 

Her first pregnancy (a boy), she told me that she really hated my brother and felt very resentful. There were some days where she couldn't even look at him and she didn't know why. There was even one night when she woke up and then she hit my brother out of the blue while screaming & crying (while typically she's very sweet). Of course, my brother was loving and very dedicated. It's just weird because they both live in asia and we were kind of taught that stuff like this was quite common for pregnant woman and we prep my brother to be very very patient throughout this period.

 

5 years later, their marriage is still strong and she has another baby girl (easier pregnancy this time). So yeah, don't be so hard on yourself, it's not easy to be pregnant and some pregnancy seem harder than some.

[Jeff1962]

Sweetgirrl. Go to your OBGYN, explain what is happening, he/she can guide you as to what you should do. I don't feel that your feelings are abnormal.

 

Don't give up. Keep communication open with everyone. Sounds like you have a good man on your hands. There is a lot of stress on the both of you right now, especially you. Like I said, communicate with your OBGYN and your husband.

 

Good luck to you and God bless.

[SweetGirrl]

If you think you can help me then I will answer your questions.

1. He does use a sharp tone if I am mean or inconsiderate but he never yells or raises his voice.

2. Lately, I do feel that he is crowding me, but I feel that if I were in my right mind I would not feel this way, because I am such an affectionate person and even have a need to be touched and loved. So I'm not sure if this question is valid in this situation...?

3. When he disagrees with me i get very upset but not vocally. I shut down and keep to myself. He doesn't normally interfere. When I do get vocal about his disagreeing we argue but don't normally resolve anything. One of us normally shuts up and leaves the room and things work themselves out in a couple of hours.

4. Yes he does stick up for himself if I become harsh, which does happen even though I am a relatively sweet person who hates hurting people's feelings.

5. There has only been one incident where he has simply said "fine we can part ways". It was recently but I can't remember the argument which means it was probably very insignificant. Other than that, no. He will usually stay as strong as he can for our marriage.

6 & 7. We do not fear each other. I don't find that this would be healthy at all. I would never marry a man that I fear. I don't think he is intimidated by me. I'm pretty sure he is not.

8. Apologizing is not something that happens often because we are both very stubborn. But I guess when it comes down to it he apologizes the most. I have a few times, but not much. We always just let thing work themselves out and before you know it we're in love again....at least that is how it used to work. Like I said, I haven't been myself the last few months.

9. He holds out the olive branch more. I am very stubborn. MUCH more stubborn than he is. I can go a long time without initiating a conversation after an argument. My stubbornness is going to be my tragic flaw. I just know it.

[whichwayisup]

Time to learn not to be so stubborn and meet him half way. It's not cool to always get your way, be so stubborn, so he has to bend and give you the olive branch. Compromise is so important. You can work on it and make an active effort to change that behaviour. It'll be hard but it is possible.

 

You two can learn how to really listen to one another and communicate, just takes time, and respect. Maybe counselling could help at some point too.

[SweetGirrl]

I definitely agree that I need to be less stubborn.

[mem11363]

1. That is good. He sounds mature and assertive.

2. This one is really - super - important - I will come back to it.

3. This is ok.

4. This is good - again he sounds assertive

5. It is really good that he doesn't mention parting ways often, or lightly. Clearly he is committed to the marriage and that is great. So this is a plus. Still - he said that - not because of the small thing you fought about. He said it because of the overall tone between you - which "might be" you wanting him to back off and give you more space and being mean to him when he doesn't. That does not make you a bad person, or a bad wife. You and he simply need to reach agreement that you needing space does NOT mean you are mad at him or he is not a great guy. I do not take it personally when my wife needs space - details below.

 

6. Fear - This is a subtle thing - walking around in a state of fear is toxic and contrary to a healthy marriage. A HEALTHY fear is the thing which keeps you from saying something really hateful to your spouse just because you are having a bad day. Because you think "do NOT want to rile them up like that - gonna be ugly for ME if I say this thing on the tip of my tongue." So maybe I will say something tactful instead.

 

7/8/9. This is ok up to a point. The thing is if my wife chooses to be repeatedly difficult a few days in a row, I just start spending less time at home. And when I am home I just say hello/goodbye/please pass the salt

 

Back to 2 - how about you two try an experiment for a week. He gets to be polite and friendly and nice when he is home but he does his own thing unless you ask him to do something. If you want a hug, you have to ask him, or you can just give him one. But he can't give you one on his own. If you want him to watch tv with you, you have to ask. If you want a kiss, a massage, sex, you have to ask. He doesn't get to approach/ask initiate. AND he doesn't get to signal that he is lonely/feeling ignored or whatever. He just does his thing and maybe he is even home less. Maybe he does some other stuff - works later - goes to a friends house.

 

 

I am like you - I personally LOVE affection. I love hugging and being hugged. I love giving/getting massages. However we have some house rules:

- My wife likes her space when she eats breakfast. She doesn't want to talk to anyone - me included. She wants to read the paper and not even have anyone else at the table. She does NOT want to be touched at breakfast.

- There are times when I can just tell she is doing her thing. And that is fine. So when:

a. She works late or

b. Gets on a long telephone call or calls with her family/friends or

c. Gets on the computer to do email/facebook or

d. Anything else she seems to be "into"

 

I don't say "when are you coming home, when are you going to be finished with ...." so that you can pay more attention to me? I simply never pressure her to spend time with me. I have lots of interests and don't feel ignored or bored/resentful if she is busy doing other stuff for a day or two or three or whatever.

 

I am around a lot - but I let her come to me. I do not crowd her, she HATES being crowded. I do not give her long loving looks very often as she HATES being fawned over. Huge turn off for her. By the way I am totally in love with my wife - and she is a great wife and a very sexual wife. She has a super good sense of humor and is playful. She just has a little bit of emotional claustrophobia - and I just make sure NOT to trigger it.

 

She LOVES when I am aggressive, pin her up against the wall in the bedroom and kiss her and say "strip" in a really sharp voice. She loves when I pin her down on the bed.

 

All the gentle kissing, gentle touching - she just does NOT respond well to that sexually. So I just don't do much of it.

 

Do you have some idea of what it is your H doing that is turning you off? Is it something he is doing out of bed? Or something in bed?

 

Is this making any sense?

 

If you think you can help me then I will answer your questions.

1. He does use a sharp tone if I am mean or inconsiderate but he never yells or raises his voice.

2. Lately, I do feel that he is crowding me, but I feel that if I were in my right mind I would not feel this way, because I am such an affectionate person and even have a need to be touched and loved. So I'm not sure if this question is valid in this situation...?

3. When he disagrees with me i get very upset but not vocally. I shut down and keep to myself. He doesn't normally interfere. When I do get vocal about his disagreeing we argue but don't normally resolve anything. One of us normally shuts up and leaves the room and things work themselves out in a couple of hours.

4. Yes he does stick up for himself if I become harsh, which does happen even though I am a relatively sweet person who hates hurting people's feelings.

5. There has only been one incident where he has simply said "fine we can part ways". It was recently but I can't remember the argument which means it was probably very insignificant. Other than that, no. He will usually stay as strong as he can for our marriage.

6 & 7. We do not fear each other. I don't find that this would be healthy at all. I would never marry a man that I fear. I don't think he is intimidated by me. I'm pretty sure he is not.

8. Apologizing is not something that happens often because we are both very stubborn. But I guess when it comes down to it he apologizes the most. I have a few times, but not much. We always just let thing work themselves out and before you know it we're in love again....at least that is how it used to work. Like I said, I haven't been myself the last few months.

9. He holds out the olive branch more. I am very stubborn. MUCH more stubborn than he is. I can go a long time without initiating a conversation after an argument. My stubbornness is going to be my tragic flaw. I just know it.