by1self Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I have been with my wife for 9 years and have 2 kids 3yr and 7 yr old. I have always been jealous of my wife;example I tell her not to dress to tight to go to work but thats what she mostly owns. Also I never really agreed with her going to nightclubs/ bars with her friends late night. She recently got boob implants and lipo and now feels super confident and wants to wear what ever she wants n is feed up with all the jealousy. I decided to go to thearpy about 2 weeks ago to try to fix my problem and found that an Ex was the root of my jealousy problem. Ever since I started thearpy Ive been over obssesed/ crazy jealous about her but try not to let it out but does sometimes. I guess my question is how do I fight these feelings cause my wife says shes tired of me being this way? Is there anything else I can do, this therapy seems to be working backwards its really hard and Ive been very depressed.
Malenfant Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I think you need to realise that therapy will bring up past issues. Therefore, initially, therapy will make you feel worse in a way, because its making you confront your issues, instead of leaving them buried. Give the therapy more time to allow you to settle into your new found understanding of yourself and your issues. However, i do understand your displeasure with your wife going out, showing off her body etc. many men would feel the same regardless of past problems with exes. If I knew your ages i might be able to comment more
single Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 They love the chase and the attention, I can't really comment about clubs etc at the moment as I have not long split from my ex and am just back out there but before her when I was single I would say about 75% of the women I met in bars and clubs who I managed to get off with or have sex with were either married or in a long term relationship. Over the years listening to male and female friends etc and as I have got older I have came to the conclusion that cheating in a relationship is on a larger scale than most people imagine.
Author by1self Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 Yea I definetly think I need to go more to see what happens. I just been feeling very depressed and over the top jealous. She says I'm pushing her away with this problem. I feel that nightclubs are not for married people unless you go with ur s/o. I'm 28 shes 29 and I dont think shes really gone alot I mean she has with me but she sees her friends going out and thats when she feels she wants to go as well. She told me the other day "Oh if you get over your jelousy will you let me wear whatever I want?" I said "Well yeah I mean just because I might get better doesnt mean I want you going to work with super low cut shirts etc..." Maybe shes like this cause I dont give a damn what she wears when shes with me.
single Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Right at the end of the day a women can wear what she wants but here is the big but. My Ex used to dress very conservative until maybe a month or two before I got dumped. I am not going to spell it out well ok i am it's not normal going out to clubs etc with skimpy outfits with her pals it will end in tears. Either have it out with her and sort it out or get ready to move on. You are right clubs in the UK and late bars are for one thing only meeting someone I'm sure it's the same in most places. You should be going out together or with friends.
Author by1self Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 Yea I can understand that a woman should be able to wear whatever she wants. I guess I just have to keep goin to therapy n come to an understanding
AAlike Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Why exactly did she get implants and lipo? Was this at your request or a sort of gift for you?
Author by1self Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 (edited) Yea it does sound as if she's looking for attention beside from me. I need to get this sorted out cause Ive been feeling down blaming everything on myself. I have an appt. Tomorrow with the Dr, so I will keep u guys updated, this would be my 3rd appt n 2nd with my wife Her surgery was because she felt insecure about her body after having kids, so I agreed with her and gave her no problems. Edited February 11, 2010 by by1self
McWifey Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 I think all girls like to dress sexy sometimes. But theres a thin line between dressing sexy and dressing TOO sexy.. Are you giving her compliments? Compliment her whenever she's dressed down (jeans and a t shirt, sweats, etc...) Whenever she's dressing too sexy tell her she doesn't need to dress like that to be beautiful. Go shopping with her and try helping her pick something out that you like... Why don't u take her out more, to dinner, or even a night club... I don't think it's right that she's going out with her friends to clubs, i don't really think a club is the right place for anyone who is married. With the way people dance, they might as well be cheating.... Tell her you want to go with her, then go have fun and dance with her. By the time you get home you wont be able to keep your hands off each other! But i definitely wouldn't agree to her going out to these clubs without you. it's not right.... and you should stay in therapy, it might seem like things are bad right now, but they will get better with time.
SarahRose Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Be thankful she isn't a big fat pig who withholds sex from you
Krytie TV Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 I think any married mother of two that goes and gets a boob job is someone to not be trusted. Maybe it's because of your jealousy (which I have a hunch may have been fostered a lot by your current wife) that she is pushing back. Either way, mid-maternal boob job might as well be an alarm sounding from your local bomb shelter. Sorry man. Be careful.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 I have been with my wife for 9 years and have 2 kids 3yr and 7 yr old. I have always been jealous of my wife;example I tell her not to dress to tight to go to work but thats what she mostly owns. Also I never really agreed with her going to nightclubs/ bars with her friends late night. well of course she wants to go to bars and dress in tight things. She wants attention from other men. its the old damned if you do, damned if you don't thing my man. You don't want to be seen as controlling, yet she is disrespecting you. She gets a boob job, starts wearing skimpy clothes and hitting the clubs. I think she is an affair waiting to happen. She recently got boob implants and lipo and now feels super confident and wants to wear what ever she wants n is feed up with all the jealousy. looking and feeling good about yourself is one thing....getting a procedure done where the primary goal is that men will like what they see, and then flaunting it in an inappropriate manner at a meat market without you around is quite another. and she is fed up with the jealousy because she doesn't want to respect your wishes and probably wants to go to these clubs come hell or high water no matter how you feel about it, am I right? I decided to go to thearpy about 2 weeks ago to try to fix my problem and found that an Ex was the root of my jealousy problem. you may have a jealousy problem, but your wife is giving you PLENTY of reasons to be so. but it would be a jealousy problem if you tried to control someone who didn't go out of there way to seek male attention....but in the case of your wife, its not jealousy, its legitimate concern for her change and nocturnal activities that, for obvious reasons, do not include you. I guess my question is how do I fight these feelings cause my wife says shes tired of me being this way? tell her you are tired of her seeking male attention and going to clubs where the #1 reason is to get this attention and more. see what she says. She may be tired of you being this way, but she is giving you reason to be this way and doesn't seem to care about how you feel about it. this isn't a marriage and she isn't a sophomore in college. she is a wife and its not unreasonable to expect her to act like one.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Her surgery was because she felt insecure about her body after having kids, so I agreed with her and gave her no problems. So basically instead of sharing her newfound body with her husband, she makes you stay home with the kids so she can go out and share it with men other than you. nice, real nice. This is not a mother nor a wife. I'm not being knee-jerk when I say this...unless she doesn't stop, you may be heading for a divorce. that is unless you don't mind putting up with a woman that leaves you at home with the kids so she can go out and get her groove on with other men. ya, I can hear it now, "Dexter, she is just going out dancing". ya.....right.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Be thankful she isn't a big fat pig who withholds sex from you something tells me they aren't having sex that often if she prefers to be living the single life. so are you suggesting that he should be happy with a part-time wife who seeks the attention of other men?
Author by1self Posted February 25, 2010 Author Posted February 25, 2010 Thanks for all the help guys, Ill just wanted to say the past 2 weeks have been good/bad more good than bad. That day at thearpy was the next day "saturday" all went well we talked about lots of things one being that she wouldnt lie about (she seems to lie about small things inorder not to argue alot) anything because it makes me react more jealous n question her about things etc.... On Sunday I had to leave to work at 6 and she was ending hers shift and shouldve been home by that time. I called and got no answer twice so she calls back 10min later, I asked Where are you, she replies "OH I'm infront of my job cause my friend(older female coworker which I heard in the backround) had to go food shopping so I showed her/went with her and now shes placing all her items from my car to hers When she gets home she brings home a bag inside box of juices for the kids, I asked what did u buy Oh only 2 boxes in the bag were only half of one box which she always carried around in her car and at the bottom of the bag was junk to make the bag seem higher than it actually was. I asked to stop playing me as a fool and tell me the truth She graps her cell right away and calls her friend/coworker says "Didnt we go food shopping together" I tell her to hang up n stop BSing me. She finally admits that She went to have breakfest with 6coworkers 3fem 3males and that was it. This is the damn reason I am so jealous cause she lies stright to my face w/ no problem and what bothered me was that only one day from Therapy which the Dr. explained dont Lie it will only make his jealousy react worse, she made up a huge lie. So that week I was down jealous the usual since I started therapy. She claims shes sorry and says she lies because she doesnt want to make me angry/jealous. I told her it might bother me a bit but Ill get over it rather than being lied to. As far as the nightclubs I told her I never thought a married woman should be out a late night at clubs(live close to NYC late hrs) with a few single girlfriends and not an appropriate place and I didnt want her going to them. She said fine ok then I stated that I didnt see anything wrong with ,once in a while, maybe a restaurant / lounge or bar at after hours with her girlfiends wouldnt be a problem and she agreed. I guess its an Improvement,,,, so way in if you'll like and thanks for the replies
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 Danger, Will Robinson... I have a feeling the more this thread progresses, the more dismal it is going to get for you man. I see a pattern here that rarely, if ever leads to a positive thing. First you get the 'makeover' phase, then the going out, then you get the lies, then you hear mention of a males in the picture, next it will be one of those specifically who is a 'friend', and then ... well, you get the picture. I would stop questioning her for now and just sit back and keep your eyes wide open for a while. Observe, do not let her know you are doing so. She knows you have jealousy issues and knows how to play that to her advantage.
Author by1self Posted February 25, 2010 Author Posted February 25, 2010 Mc- I do give her compliments but not when she dresses down. I only do it when she dress up on the weekend to go out. I will start though dex- yea I see ur point but she wants to go out or atleast did until I put my foot down. Her gf call her n invite her n she gets all upset cause she knows how I feel. Borgia- yea it seems that direction it's headed except for niteclub part. She recently claims she gave her brothers best friend from her childhood her number so he can visit her since he lives out of town n will b in this weekend (she says he'll visit w/ me there). This happened through facebook ?
Dexter Morgan Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 I think your wife is lying to you and she is doing more than just dancing at these clubs, especially if she is coming home in the wee hours of the morning well after the clubs has close. That and her BSing you on the phone. I think you need to sit her down and discuss how she needs to conduct herself as a mother and husband. But if she is messing around with other men, and I can almost guarantee you she is, you need to serve her with papers. Am I right when I say she must be making you sit at home with the kids while she goes out partying? Maybe you can get a sitter and follow her. You need to do some investigative work.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 dex- yea I see ur point but she wants to go out or atleast did until I put my foot down. Her gf call her n invite her n she gets all upset cause she knows how I feel. why can't they go to dinner or a movie. why does it have to be a club? #1 answer.....the opposite sex is there and looking for more than a casual conversation.
carhill Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 OP, work on communicating a healthy boundary within MC. If that is no single clubbing, that's what it is. I recall, in MC, saying my stbx 'liked the freedom of being single and the security of being married' and set a boundary regarding the kind of intimacy I found healthy for myself. I compromised on other issues but held steadfast to that boundary. It became the impetus for our divorce. In order to be healthy within yourself, you must first respect yourself. Analyze whether your boundary is reasonable; talk about it with your MC. Solicit perspective from your W. Then, with that information, make a decision and stick to it. It might cost you your marriage. Be ready for that. Hope it works out
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