Insecure about looks is hurting my marriage

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Sominret, beauty truly is in the eye's of the beholder. My previous exes were all less attractive than me - but when I loved them I didn't think so. I thought they were cute and sexy. When I stopped loving them - they became ugly due to personality traits.

 

People we like become attractive in our eyes - and people we don't like become unattractive.

 

When my exes loved me they all thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world and no other woman compared to me. (That changed when I broke up with them of course. XP) So, you know, if your husband loves you...you truly are the most beautiful woman in the room to him.

 

 

I really hope they are happy, but I have to ask why everyone answers like they are reading a Harlequin romance???

 

And so nice to know that the women replying here were all much more attractive then there exes. Interesting that the only male to say they are the better looking is Giotto, whose marriage isn't exactly what one would call domestic bliss.....

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

What you are going through is not that unusual...

 

Though I wonder if there is something else (however small it may be) that has helped establish these thoughts (or push them along). I suppose you may not even be aware of it...

 

In my opinion, the issue here is you must, must get over these insecurities (completely), otherwise they will consume your thoughts more and more as time goes on. I know this may be extremely hard to do, but I think you should tell him how you feel. Give it some strong thought and maybe do it in a letter so the wrong words do not come out. If he loves you as it appears he does, he will do nothing but reassure you and help bring your confidence back.

 

As everyone else has said, love has nothing to do with looks. It's only the initial attraction that requires an attractive appearance. If he was in a car accident and lost his physical appearance would you feel any different about how much you love him? Just the same way he would not lose interest in you, nor leave you, nor desire to be with another woman based on appearance.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Sominret, beauty truly is in the eye's of the beholder. My previous exes were all less attractive than me - but when I loved them I didn't think so. I thought they were cute and sexy. When I stopped loving them - they became ugly due to personality traits.

 

People we like become attractive in our eyes - and people we don't like become unattractive.

 

When my exes loved me they all thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world and no other woman compared to me. (That changed when I broke up with them of course. XP) So, you know, if your husband loves you...you truly are the most beautiful woman in the room to him.

 

And think this a Harlequin Romance and fairy-tale world we live in.... I really hope her worries are misplaced and they are truly happy, but not one woman has said there could be concern or has picked up on my or mem11363's posts. Are we so out of touch as males?

 

Interesting how a few women have stated they were the much better looking in their relationships and the only male to state the same, Giotto is in an unhappy marriage....

 

 

Oops..... Sorry double post, my computer has been crashing......

[mem11363]

You ever use those books that have a 3D image embedded in a 2D abstract pattern? You relax your eyes and after a little while this cool 3D shape literally jumps out at you. When you get good at that - you can rapidly alternate between "seeing" the 3D shape and not. Really fun. I can do that looking at my wife. I can just see the outside - or if I look carefully all that beautiful stuff from inside comes shining through and does this overlay. I love that. And when I look at her that way and say "God you are beautiful" she knows I mean it though I don't think she can see herself the way I do.

 

 

And think this a Harlequin Romance and fairy-tale world we live in.... I really hope her worries are misplaced and they are truly happy, but not one woman has said there could be concern or has picked up on my or mem11363's posts. Are we so out of touch as males?

 

Interesting how a few women have stated they were the much better looking in their relationships and the only male to state the same, Giotto is in an unhappy marriage....

 

 

Oops..... Sorry double post, my computer has been crashing......

[bittersweet memories]

I'm glad I found this forum and I hope that someone can help me.

 

I've been married for 3 years and a half to a wonderful man and in general our marriage is pretty good except for the following:

 

When I met my husband I was blown away at how beautiful he was (he looks like the actor Josh Holloway, dimples and all). I wondered how come he was still single when he obviously could attract pretty much anyone. He told me that he still hadn't found "the" woman for him and he wanted to choose her well because he was looking for a serious and commited relationship (he was 28 at the time). Anyway, we ended up becoming friends and then falling in love. We dated for 2 years before getting married.

 

The thing is, although it has never been an issue for him, I can't help but feel that I don't measure up to him because he's just too goddamn pretty. I'm average looking and can look good if I put on make-up and do my hair, but by no means look like a supermodel. At first I didn't even notice or care much for looks, but slowly it started bothering me, and I don't know why. For example, my friends would tell me to take care of him and be careful and keep him "interested" because any woman would gladly take my place. Then I started thinking that someday he will find a very attractive woman and leave me for her. Last month we went to a friend's party and there was this gorgeous girl that kept staring at my husband, and I thought of how good they would look together, like 2 models out of a magazine. I think that whenever he sees gorgeous girls he's probably comparing me to them and realizes what he's losing on, like why be with me when he could be with them?

 

My husband hasn't done anything to make me feel like this - I know him well enough to know that looks are not important to him and he doesn't make me feel ugly or unsexy. I'm aware that this is a problem I created whether imaginary or not, but it's still a problem for me. I just think that he deserves to be with a good-looking woman, as good-looking as he is, that somehow this would make him happier. I don't know how to stop this negative thinking and I'm afraid he'll eventually notice my insecurity and we'll break up because of this. I love him very much and don't want to lose him...

 

 

Hey, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder". Your husband might find you beautiful and gorgeous. You might be surprise how he sees you.

 

I don't find the actor "Josh Holloway" good lookiing. He's ok but I've seen better. Like is said Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

[reboot]

You ever use those books that have a 3D image embedded in a 2D abstract pattern? You relax your eyes and after a little while this cool 3D shape literally jumps out at you. When you get good at that - you can rapidly alternate between "seeing" the 3D shape and not. Really fun. I can do that looking at my wife. I can just see the outside - or if I look carefully all that beautiful stuff from inside comes shining through and does this overlay. I love that. And when I look at her that way and say "God you are beautiful" she knows I mean it though I don't think she can see herself the way I do.

 

That's an absolutely great analogy.

[skylarblue]

So an attractive guy who was waiting for the right woman decided you were the one for him. And now you have a wonderful man and a good M and you maybe ruining it because of insecurities that from what you posted seem to be all in your mind. If you are insecure about your looks and you know looks aren’t important to him, why are you torturing yourself instead of being pleased to have a wonderful, hot guy. He could have had the gorgeous model if he wanted when he was single. He didn’t choose it. Apparently, it’s not what he wants. He wanted and chose you. Can’t you see you already possess what he wants?

 

I’m considered an attractive girl. My friends don’t think anyone I date is attractive. I’m attracted to guys 25-35yrs my senior who look their age that my friends call “dorky, old men”, but that’s what I find attractive. People have preferences. Sometimes they don’t match what people might expect.

 

I’ve been there where I’ve had my own insecurities, but it stemmed from bf being a sex-addict. I was 19yrs, good-looking, a dancer. He was 40yr, not what you’d consider handsome, old rocker/cowboy. Extremely addicted to porn – strip clubs, videos, internet, mail catalogs, magazines, Costa Rica hooker trips, you name it. Even though I knew I was as good-looking as any of those girls, I did become insecure wondering what was off the mark with me and that led me to think maybe he’s going to cheat on me. And even though he kept saying it wasn’t me, his actions didn’t match his words.

 

But you say you’re H has never made you feel unsexy and at first you didn't even notice, but slowly it started bothering you, and you don't know why. Maybe it’s from the things your friends are saying about other women willing to take your place, which seems a little rude to me.

[skylarblue]

You ever use those books that have a 3D image embedded in a 2D abstract pattern? You relax your eyes and after a little while this cool 3D shape literally jumps out at you. When you get good at that - you can rapidly alternate between "seeing" the 3D shape and not. Really fun. I can do that looking at my wife. I can just see the outside - or if I look carefully all that beautiful stuff from inside comes shining through and does this overlay. I love that. And when I look at her that way and say "God you are beautiful" she knows I mean it though I don't think she can see herself the way I do.

 

I think women have more insecurities issues when it comes to looks. I think that there is more pressure on women in being considered attractive than men. I’ve never had a bf worry that I may leave for someone younger or more attractive because they knew it wasn’t my taste. If anything, they liked being notice and felt proud and complimented that people thought they had an attractive gf. When I was in a R with a girl, she was insecure about her looks and the R. I thought she was beautiful (especially in no make-up, hair in ponytail). I’d also always tell her that, and she knew I meant it. Though she was already kinda insecure, it never really caused problems until she visited a club I worked. All of sudden she worried she wasn’t young enough (she was 11yrs older), tall enough, thin enough, pretty enough, etc…So much so that I quit dancing the remainder of the R to try to put her at ease. To me, she was prettier than anyone, but she couldn’t see it.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

So an attractive guy who was waiting for the right woman decided you were the one for him. And now you have a wonderful man and a good M and you maybe ruining it because of insecurities that from what you posted seem to be all in your mind. If you are insecure about your looks and you know looks aren’t important to him, why are you torturing yourself instead of being pleased to have a wonderful, hot guy. He could have had the gorgeous model if he wanted when he was single. He didn’t choose it. Apparently, it’s not what he wants. He wanted and chose you. Can’t you see you already possess what he wants?

 

I’m considered an attractive girl. My friends don’t think anyone I date is attractive. I’m attracted to guys 25-35yrs my senior who look their age that my friends call “dorky, old men”, but that’s what I find attractive. People have preferences. Sometimes they don’t match what people might expect.

 

I’ve been there where I’ve had my own insecurities, but it stemmed from bf being a sex-addict. I was 19yrs, good-looking, a dancer. He was 40yr, not what you’d consider handsome, old rocker/cowboy. Extremely addicted to porn – strip clubs, videos, internet, mail catalogs, magazines, Costa Rica hooker trips, you name it. Even though I knew I was as good-looking as any of those girls, I did become insecure wondering what was off the mark with me and that led me to think maybe he’s going to cheat on me. And even though he kept saying it wasn’t me, his actions didn’t match his words.

 

But you say you’re H has never made you feel unsexy and at first you didn't even notice, but slowly it started bothering you, and you don't know why. Maybe it’s from the things your friends are saying about other women willing to take your place, which seems a little rude to me.

 

Another woman responding to the OP who explains she was better looking then all the males she dated..... Geez, a dancer dating men 25-35 years her senior (can you say "daddy issues"), claims to be better looking then the males..... What a stretch. Add to that she is bi and the one woman was also 11 years older.

 

Again I am amazed not a single woman has come on empathizing with her, understanding her concerns or asking questions about their relationship that could lead her to feel the way she does.

 

I as is my norm (know it is my issue) brought it back to the bedroom and no one has picked up on it or told me I'm full of it (though maybe the silence affirms that). But I'll keep asking the questions or making the statement that if all is well in the bedroom and he can't wait to get you naked and in bed (or out of it) you probably have little to worry about.....

[giotto]

But I'll keep asking the questions or making the statement that if all is well in the bedroom and he can't wait to get you naked and in bed (or out of it) you probably have little to worry about.....

 

I guess we will never know that...

[Lizzie60]

On my way to work this morning I was thinking about this thread...and thinking about the 3 guys that I think were way out of my league.. meaning they were stunning.. (1 was a model)...

 

The first one .. I dated for about 8 weeks.. mainly sexual... (I was 45, he was 27)

 

The second .. I dated on and off for about 2 years.. (I was 50 he was 30)

 

The third one.. was a fling in Cancun (the most beautiful guy I've seen)... (I was 54, he was 23)

 

I didn't get to know the first and third that much.. but the second one.. (who was a model) was a very introverted guy.. he knew he was stunning.. but still was very shy... He was a bad lover.. I kept him cause he was a real eye candy.. and a great kisser.. but very boring.

 

I don't know your guy.. but he could be an introvert... plus he's been married with you... YOU got him.. stop thinking about it.. just enjoy life with him..

[Toodamnpragmatic]

On my way to work this morning I was thinking about this thread...and thinking about the 3 guys that I think were way out of my league.. meaning they were stunning.. (1 was a model)...

 

The first one .. I dated for about 8 weeks.. mainly sexual... (I was 45, he was 27)

 

The second .. I dated on and off for about 2 years.. (I was 50 he was 30)

 

The third one.. was a fling in Cancun (the most beautiful guy I've seen)... (I was 54, he was 23)

 

I didn't get to know the first and third that much.. but the second one.. (who was a model) was a very introverted guy.. he knew he was stunning.. but still was very shy... He was a bad lover.. I kept him cause he was a real eye candy.. and a great kisser.. but very boring.

 

I don't know your guy.. but he could be an introvert... plus he's been married with you... YOU got him.. stop thinking about it.. just enjoy life with him..

 

I would say they had "mommy issues" or were looking for their Mrs. Robinson.....

 

But must say the introvert comment may be bang on.....

[EnglishMuffin]

When I first met my boyfriend, I was intimidated by his looks (he looks kind of like an older version of Taylor Lautner). Did not think he'd be interested in me. I confessed my insecurity over our first dinner together and he laughed off, "you have a low self-esteem!"

 

I at one point did picture him paired up with a more beautiful woman (I am more of cute type) because they would make a more visually pleasing couple, but the more I get to know him, besides his kind, genuine, and committed type personality, I also started to see his quirks, and accepted that I am actually a good match for him.

 

Plus, since he thinks I am the goofiest girl in the world, it'd be his loss (of daily dosage of entertainment) if he goes after another girl! So...I am sure you have something special that your husband does not find in others. Seriously I would have a problem if the only thing I could think of my boyfriend is how beautiful he is. Looks really is a bonus, after all.

[Chrome Barracuda]

When I first met my boyfriend, I was intimidated by his looks (he looks kind of like an older version of Taylor Lautner). Did not think he'd be interested in me. I confessed my insecurity over our first dinner together and he laughed off, "you have a low self-esteem!"

 

I at one point did picture him paired up with a more beautiful woman (I am more of cute type) because they would make a more visually pleasing couple, but the more I get to know him, besides his kind, genuine, and committed type personality, I also started to see his quirks, and accepted that I am actually a good match for him.

 

Plus, since he thinks I am the goofiest girl in the world, it'd be his loss (of daily dosage of entertainment) if he goes after another girl! So...I am sure you have something special that your husband does not find in others. Seriously I would have a problem if the only thing I could think of my boyfriend is how beautiful he is. Looks really is a bonus, after all.

 

 

That is awesome.

 

I wish more females was more open into getting to know the guy deeper than based on superficial looks.

[StalledGirl]

I couldn't date a stunning man as i'd feel weird but if I fell for one and he wanted me too then i'd go for it. I go for brains and such men are usually average looking at best.

Your friends remarks are unhelpful and to be honest i'd be watching my back as they don't sound trustworthy unless they made such comments in jest?

It's hard dealing with body image issues (i've lots) but you have to find a way to accept that your husband chose you because he loved you. A good relationship needs more than just looks and i'm sure he loves you inside and out.

[OliveOyl]

The most important thing is the quality of the relationship between the two of you, which includes the natural chemistry you two share. Not looks. While it is true that usually people hook up with others who are of similar attractiveness level, I don't think, overall, "objective" attractiveness has a lot to do with the stability and longevity of a relationship and marriage. To put it succinctly: good-looking people have just as many relationship woes as average-looking people.

 

I'm recently separated and my husband is, objectively, quite good-looking. However, his looks don't really affect me. I am simply not attracted to him on a romantic or sexual level, even though I can objectively look at him and say yes, he's a good-looking man.

 

Looks fade. Personality doesn't (well... unless they get dementia... but you are way too young to worry about that...)

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Regardless of how good looking one or the other partner is and how good the relationship is, I always come back to how good the SEX is in the bedroom for the better looking person. If they can attract partners simply on their attractiveness and things are not good in the bedroom (or off kilter), then I'd be paranoid....

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Regardless of how good looking one or the other partner is and how good the relationship is, I always come back to how good the SEX is in the bedroom for the better looking person. If they can attract partners simply on their attractiveness and things are not good in the bedroom (or off kilter), then I'd be paranoid....

 

Personally I think that you are off base.

 

In a committed, long term relationship (ie a marriage), things like looks, confidence and the quality and quantity of sex change over time. There are natural cycles and ups and down in almost everything in life.

 

I would have every confidence in my marriage and our choice to be with one another that things will come back around if something seems off.

 

In my 17+ year relationship (15 years married), I think we both (physically) look our best that we ever have. She is smokin hot to me, works out at least 5 times a week, has come into a positive zone in regards to her confidence and 'sexiness.' I am guessing she could bed just about any man she wanted. The sex is phenomenally good too, and though I certainly would not say it's infrequent or lacking, it's not a consistent thing. We could go a week and both be ok with it - but yesterday for example we had a quickie (ie fast food) in the afternoon, and a great late night lovemaking session (5 course meal)!

 

There is a total package deal, and a commitment that far supersedes the immediate measure of the quality of sex. If the quality or quantity of sex is an issue for either of us, we should bring it up to our partner, and work on it together; that's what marriage is really about in my opinion...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Personally I think that you are off base.

 

In a committed, long term relationship (ie a marriage), things like looks, confidence and the quality and quantity of sex change over time. There are natural cycles and ups and down in almost everything in life.

 

I would have every confidence in my marriage and our choice to be with one another that things will come back around if something seems off.

 

In my 17+ year relationship (15 years married), I think we both (physically) look our best that we ever have. She is smokin hot to me, works out at least 5 times a week, has come into a positive zone in regards to her confidence and 'sexiness.' I am guessing she could bed just about any man she wanted. The sex is phenomenally good too, and though I certainly would not say it's infrequent or lacking, it's not a consistent thing. We could go a week and both be ok with it - but yesterday for example we had a quickie (ie fast food) in the afternoon, and a great late night lovemaking session (5 course meal)!

 

There is a total package deal, and a commitment that far supersedes the immediate measure of the quality of sex. If the quality or quantity of sex is an issue for either of us, we should bring it up to our partner, and work on it together; that's what marriage is really about in my opinion...

 

probably have children and are at a different point in life. The OP is very early in their relationship, which is why I bring it up over and over..... I look at my wife the exact same way you do..... and like you it is not a concern.... Now if it was early in the relationship, I am in my 20's/early 30's, it would be an issue along with all facets of the relationship.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

probably have children and are at a different point in life. The OP is very early in their relationship, which is why I bring it up over and over..... I look at my wife the exact same way you do..... and like you it is not a concern.... Now if it was early in the relationship, I am in my 20's/early 30's, it would be an issue along with all facets of the relationship.

 

Yes, you are right, and I suppose that's where the OP's insecurities come in. I think that once she matures to the point that 'the lens with which she views her marraige' is defined by the commitment and long term investment both partners share, the concern over looks will no longer be an issue.

 

It goes back to the fact that (like so many have said,) he will not be happy with some one else who is 'more attractive,' he is happy with you! And that is why he is with you and chose you, and would chose you oer and over again. He selected you as his life partner, not just until something better or more appropriate comes along...

[Green]

Should have married an ugly man if this is how you feel. Why don't you talk to your husband about this. Really you shouldn't be feeling this way. Is there any chance you could just stop?

 

Even if you were dating an ugly man he could decide to leave you for another women... be she young and pretty or old and smelly.

 

Hugh Grant had a pretty gf and cheated on her with a street walker who didn't look anything special.

 

If you trust your husband don't let your mind trick you into feeling he will leave you. Let yourself relax and enjoy life. What if you both died tommorow then that would have meant he never left you.

 

Stop trying to make the future.

[sominret]

Thank you for the comments. I've thought about it and basically my biggest fear is that he will eventually find someone a lot like me in personality and qualities and flaws BUT more attractive! If he does, why wouldn't he leave me for her? I mean, then he would have the whole package! Then again, I'm just paranoid and should enjoy my marriage. Sigh. When it comes to looks there is just no logic. Beautiful men leave their beautiful wives for uglier women. Look at Eddie Cibrian who left his gorgeous wife for LeAnn Rimes. Even Josh Holloway's wife is not that attractive. I am not putting down homely people, just saying that it's not what we expect sometimes.

[mem11363]

The single factor that best measures how emotionally bonded a man is to his wife and you are either too shy to address it, or you simply don't realize how important it is.

 

 

Thank you for the comments. I've thought about it and basically my biggest fear is that he will eventually find someone a lot like me in personality and qualities and flaws BUT more attractive! If he does, why wouldn't he leave me for her? I mean, then he would have the whole package! Then again, I'm just paranoid and should enjoy my marriage. Sigh. When it comes to looks there is just no logic. Beautiful men leave their beautiful wives for uglier women. Look at Eddie Cibrian who left his gorgeous wife for LeAnn Rimes. Even Josh Holloway's wife is not that attractive. I am not putting down homely people, just saying that it's not what we expect sometimes.

[EnglishMuffin]

Even Josh Holloway's wife is not that attractive. I am not putting down homely people, just saying that it's not what we expect sometimes.

 

if I remember correctly, Josh Holloway's wife supported him for several years before he made a breakthrough. He did mention in an interview that he thought about having a lavish life surrounded by women after the success of Lost, but he couldn't bring himself to do it after all his wife has done for him. It's not like you can just replace your partner with a better model. History between two people should mean something beyond the superficials.

[SuburbanOblivion]

I'm curious what he tells you about your looks?

 

Personally if I'd seen SO in a public place rather than meeting him online, I'd never have had the nerve to talk to him. He is gorgeous and so out of my league it's not even funny. I see how other people look at him, and I worry that he will find someone hotter.

 

The funny part?

 

He says exactly the same thing about me.

 

He probably thinks you are far hotter than *you* think you are. The ones who love us usually do