sominret Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 (edited) I'm glad I found this forum and I hope that someone can help me. I've been married for 3 years and a half to a wonderful man and in general our marriage is pretty good except for the following: When I met my husband I was blown away at how beautiful he was (he looks like the actor Josh Holloway, dimples and all). I wondered how come he was still single when he obviously could attract pretty much anyone. He told me that he still hadn't found "the" woman for him and he wanted to choose her well because he was looking for a serious and commited relationship (he was 28 at the time). Anyway, we ended up becoming friends and then falling in love. We dated for 2 years before getting married. The thing is, although it has never been an issue for him, I can't help but feel that I don't measure up to him because he's just too goddamn pretty. I'm average looking and can look good if I put on make-up and do my hair, but by no means look like a supermodel. At first I didn't even notice or care much for looks, but slowly it started bothering me, and I don't know why. For example, my friends would tell me to take care of him and be careful and keep him "interested" because any woman would gladly take my place. Then I started thinking that someday he will find a very attractive woman and leave me for her. Last month we went to a friend's party and there was this gorgeous girl that kept staring at my husband, and I thought of how good they would look together, like 2 models out of a magazine. I think that whenever he sees gorgeous girls he's probably comparing me to them and realizes what he's losing on, like why be with me when he could be with them? My husband hasn't done anything to make me feel like this - I know him well enough to know that looks are not important to him and he doesn't make me feel ugly or unsexy. I'm aware that this is a problem I created whether imaginary or not, but it's still a problem for me. I just think that he deserves to be with a good-looking woman, as good-looking as he is, that somehow this would make him happier. I don't know how to stop this negative thinking and I'm afraid he'll eventually notice my insecurity and we'll break up because of this. I love him very much and don't want to lose him... Edited February 10, 2010 by sominret
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Your insecurity is ruining your marriage. Be happy you are with him. So you feel he is a good looking man and your wondering if he can find better??? WTF he has you, he has done good enough. Did you ever think that deep down inside you are just better than any woman he has met in his life and he doesnt care if your not a supermodel or a dime piece. He's happy with the woman you just are???
Author sominret Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 (edited) Your insecurity is ruining your marriage. Be happy you are with him. So you feel he is a good looking man and your wondering if he can find better??? WTF he has you, he has done good enough. Did you ever think that deep down inside you are just better than any woman he has met in his life and he doesnt care if your not a supermodel or a dime piece. He's happy with the woman you just are??? I know he's happy with me, and I'm also wondering where this insecurity is coming from...society maybe? His beauty is something that people notice right away and has an effect on them, that's why I guess it's become an issue for me, and I used to be proud, but now it's making me insecure, I don't know why. Edited February 10, 2010 by sominret
cuppa Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I know he's happy with me, and I'm also wondering where this insecurity is coming from...society maybe? His beauty is something that people notice right away and has an effect on them, that's why I guess it's become an issue for me, and I used to be proud, but now it's making me insecure, I don't know why. I am not sure what you are looking for with this post but for sure, you can't blame anyone or society or magazine for your insecurity . Looks will fade and maybe you should put less emphasis on physical appearance, even the way you view your husband. I just google Josh Holloway since I don't know who he was , though I admit he looks gorgeous but I'm sure you are attracted to him more than his looks. Perhaps start looking at him as how he's a good friend, a good husband to you or things that you guys do together instead of "oh gosh, he's handsome, I'm so lucky type of thing".
mem11363 Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I dated a number of women who were very attractive. They were definitely more attractive than me - no question about it. The thing is they were high maintenance and high drama and had unrealistic expectations. I had zero desire to marry someone like that. Zero. My wife is attractive to ME. Sure she is nice to look at. Not as pretty as some of the women I have dated. So what. Overall she is the BEST woman I ever dated and is a wonderful wife. I bet your husband is attracted to you physically, super into your personality and simply loves being with you. Acid test: Does he want you sexually often enough to satisfy you in bed? I'm glad I found this forum and I hope that someone can help me. I've been married for 3 years and a half to a wonderful man and in general our marriage is pretty good except for the following: When I met my husband I was blown away at how beautiful he was (he looks like the actor Josh Holloway, dimples and all). I wondered how come he was still single when he obviously could attract pretty much anyone. He told me that he still hadn't found "the" woman for him and he wanted to choose her well because he was looking for a serious and commited relationship (he was 28 at the time). Anyway, we ended up becoming friends and then falling in love. We dated for 2 years before getting married. The thing is, although it has never been an issue for him, I can't help but feel that I don't measure up to him because he's just too goddamn pretty. I'm average looking and can look good if I put on make-up and do my hair, but by no means look like a supermodel. At first I didn't even notice or care much for looks, but slowly it started bothering me, and I don't know why. For example, my friends would tell me to take care of him and be careful and keep him "interested" because any woman would gladly take my place. Then I started thinking that someday he will find a very attractive woman and leave me for her. Last month we went to a friend's party and there was this gorgeous girl that kept staring at my husband, and I thought of how good they would look together, like 2 models out of a magazine. I think that whenever he sees gorgeous girls he's probably comparing me to them and realizes what he's losing on, like why be with me when he could be with them? My husband hasn't done anything to make me feel like this - I know him well enough to know that looks are not important to him and he doesn't make me feel ugly or unsexy. I'm aware that this is a problem I created whether imaginary or not, but it's still a problem for me. I just think that he deserves to be with a good-looking woman, as good-looking as he is, that somehow this would make him happier. I don't know how to stop this negative thinking and I'm afraid he'll eventually notice my insecurity and we'll break up because of this. I love him very much and don't want to lose him...
giotto Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 maybe I'll come across as full of myself (but believe me, I'm not!), but I've always been the "better looking" partner in all my relationship and I can assure you that it doesn't matter at all... yes, maybe he can have all the women in the world, but she has chosen you... looks are not everything... maybe yo should try a bit of individual counselling about your insecurity?
WalkInThePark Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I understand that this bugs you. To be honest, I have kind of automatically avoided very handsome guys because I could not feel comfortable around such a guy. My very personal theory on this is that people have a tendency to look for a partner who is more or less on the same spot as themselves on the looks "ranking". And if one partner is really pretty and the other more average, I think it is more common to see a very pretty girl with an average looking man (who then most probably has money and/or fame to compensate). This said, there is no iron law for this. Maybe it's just you who sees yourself as average while you are actually hot. And your husband does not sound like a superficial guy so he probably sees you as the most beautiful woman on the planet. You should try to focus on the quality of your relationship and the interaction between you. As long as that feels good, then you are OK. Try not to worry about worse case scenarios. BTW, you started as friends. That is always a good basis for a relationship.
quankanne Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 the way I see it is that this hottie who was first your good friend and discovered something in you that he never did find with any other woman that made him want you for the rest of his life. Something about you obviously made you so incredibly beautiful to him that he wanted to marry you, not some chick that society might want him to pair up with just because her looks were "better suited" to his than yours ... frankly, I think it says something that a man as good looking as he – and I just IMDB'd his photo, OOH, MAMA! You incredibly lucky girl – can see beyond mere physical qualities when it comes to relationships. Again, he discovered something in YOU that no other woman possesses, and he chose to marry you so that YOU could be in his life always. Very romantic, IMO ... as for bashing yourself for not being those other, prettier girls, don't. Honestly. You are most likely a lovely girl who has got star quality written all over you because of the person you are. Trust me, looks are not everything, and when a man decides YOU are the one because he's found something in you lacking in all the other women he's encountered? It's real, and it's priceless. Forget about what your insecurity thinks he "ought" to be looking for in a woman and revel in the reality that YOU are what he needs in life, to a point that he chose YOU to marry.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I dated a number of women who were very attractive. They were definitely more attractive than me - no question about it. The thing is they were high maintenance and high drama and had unrealistic expectations. I had zero desire to marry someone like that. Zero. My wife is attractive to ME. Sure she is nice to look at. Not as pretty as some of the women I have dated. So what. Overall she is the BEST woman I ever dated and is a wonderful wife. I bet your husband is attracted to you physically, super into your personality and simply loves being with you. Acid test: Does he want you sexually often enough to satisfy you in bed? And wrongly I agree with you.... There is always going to be imbalances in relationships. As a spouse(male), who considers himself a sexual person (my spouse claims oversexed:laugh:)..... I would say you better be ggg (great, giving, generous) in the bedroom..... Right or wrong we all should be cogniscent of our lot. Be it the one who does more around the house, earns more money, better looking, more work in bed..... All has to be taken as a whole as to your relationship and the glue that keeps it together. So maybe he is gorgeous and somewhat asexual..... Heck you should be thrilled. However if he is highly sexual and you are not, there could be huge issues down the road.
BlueeyedJonesy Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 wow! Josh holloway is nice looking...I had no idea who he was until I looked it up. Its simple...tune these negative feelings out, and remind yourself as much as you have to that you got this beautiful great man with your personality. ALSO..be happy that you found a great looking guy with a great personality..its pretty hard to find one that isn't into himself.
reboot Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Most men aren't nearly as shallow as most women think they are. We are quite capable of falling in love with a woman who isn't movie star gorgeous.
mem11363 Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 If her guy desires sex at a frequency that she is happy with - that is one objective test of whether or not he is overall attracted to her. And I realize that if she is mean/cold/lazy in bed he might not initiate very much due to those personality traits. But assuming for the moment that she has no behavioral inhibitors - if he initiates on a regular basis than clearly HE has no issues with her appearance. And wrongly I agree with you.... There is always going to be imbalances in relationships. As a spouse(male), who considers himself a sexual person (my spouse claims oversexed:laugh:)..... I would say you better be ggg (great, giving, generous) in the bedroom..... Right or wrong we all should be cogniscent of our lot. Be it the one who does more around the house, earns more money, better looking, more work in bed..... All has to be taken as a whole as to your relationship and the glue that keeps it together. So maybe he is gorgeous and somewhat asexual..... Heck you should be thrilled. However if he is highly sexual and you are not, there could be huge issues down the road.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Most men aren't nearly as shallow as most women think they are. We are quite capable of falling in love with a woman who isn't movie star gorgeous. If we are in love, happy and content, then we are not shallow at all. If we are not, then yes we are...... It is not that simple in any case.
Lizzie60 Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 WOW.. OP.. not sure if all the advices of the world will make you change how you see yourself.. You sound like a smart woman... it's strange that you feel that way... Has he done anything that makes you think that. You need help.. (get a book, see a therapist, etc.) whatever works for you.. but you need some kind of help... Insecurity is a huge turn-off ...
Eeyore79 Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I usually find I'm more physically attractive than my current partner, because I go for brains and personality above looks - good looking people are often full of themselves, cheat just because they can, or they're not so bright and I can't have a decent conversation with them. So I choose partners for criteria other than looks. I won't deny that good looks turn my head and make me feel a certain physical attraction to the person, but that isn't enough for me to want a relationship with them... maybe a fling based mostly on sex, but not a lasting relationship. So I date a nice guy regardless of what he looks like... time goes by, and maybe my partner becomes insecure/possessive/jealous because I'm better looking. I've been accused of cheating when I'm not, I've even been dumped because of other people's unfounded insecurities. My ex-fiance walked out because he was on edge all the time, convinced that an attractive woman like me would eventually find someone better than him. Jealousy destroys relationships; I can't live with someone being jealous and possessive all the time when I'm completely innocent of any wrongdoing. The hottest guy I ever dated was maybe a 5/10 looks-wise, but he was charismatic, intelligent, gentlemanly, hard-working, deep and poetic... he dumped me, and I still think it was something to do with his own insecurities about my looks. I've dated handsomer guys, but was never so totally smitten by someone as I was with him. What I'm trying to say is: you may not be attractive but your husband obviously sees something else in you that the pretty girls don't have, but you'll destroy your relationship if you carry on being jealous and paranoid.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 WOW.. OP.. not sure if all the advices of the world will make you change how you see yourself.. You sound like a smart woman... it's strange that you feel that way... Has he done anything that makes you think that. You need help.. (get a book, see a therapist, etc.) whatever works for you.. but you need some kind of help... Insecurity is a huge turn-off ... Wow.... where did that come from???? Lizzie, we certainly know you are not insecure in the least.... Actually you revel in your confidence, and many of your posts leave both males and females questioning themselves and insecure (i.e. women faking O's:lmao:).... So you respond to this post that way???? Heck everything you have posted makes me question my intelligent, confident, attractive spouse who does not want sex as much as I do.... Why did you post that response considering your posts, views and comments regarding sex, attractiveness, cheating???
Toodamnpragmatic Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 or do I just live up to my screen name???? I guess it comes down to how important are looks????? No one else feel insecure about their looks with a "more" attractive partner????
Eeyore79 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 As I said before; quite a few of my exes felt insecure about their looks because I was dating them for their personality, and their insecurity and lack of confidence was partly what ended those relationships. Not a good route to take if you want to keep your relationship together. I also said the guy I was most smitten with was only a 5/10 looks-wise, which just proves that looks aren't everything... but he acted like he was gorgeous, he was full of confidence and thought himself to be someone special, which is what attracted me. Maybe on some level I believed his own self-assessment of his wonderfulness, even though my eyes told me he was only a 5/10 at most
Author sominret Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 Thank you for the answers. I am scratching my head to try to find out the root of the problem and why I feel so insecure. I've noticed that when I'm home alone with my husband, looks are the last thing on my mind and we get along so well. But then we watch TV or go out and we see beautiful girls and can't help but think that he would make a better match with them, like I'm doing him a favor. And thinking this way makes no sense because he has never hinted that he would prefer anyone else over me, good-looking or not. I went through a phase at the very beginning where I wondered what he saw in me but it didn't last long because the more I got to know him the more I realized that this guy had no clue how gorgeous he was (meaning that he wasn't into himself and wasn't shallow or vain) and it was obvious that he didn't care about looks. He also did date a model before me (he worked briefly as a model but left after 8 months because he didn't like the experience) but broke-up because she was too superficial and "played games". I hope that I'm just going through another phase and that I'll eventually get rid of these insecurities because they are not founded. If he would cause these insecurities, then it would be entirely a different issue. I think just letting it out has helped a lot.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Thank you for the answers. I am scratching my head to try to find out the root of the problem and why I feel so insecure. I've noticed that when I'm home alone with my husband, looks are the last thing on my mind and we get along so well. But then we watch TV or go out and we see beautiful girls and can't help but think that he would make a better match with them, like I'm doing him a favor. And thinking this way makes no sense because he has never hinted that he would prefer anyone else over me, good-looking or not. I went through a phase at the very beginning where I wondered what he saw in me but it didn't last long because the more I got to know him the more I realized that this guy had no clue how gorgeous he was (meaning that he wasn't into himself and wasn't shallow or vain) and it was obvious that he didn't care about looks. He also did date a model before me (he worked briefly as a model but left after 8 months because he didn't like the experience) but broke-up because she was too superficial and "played games". I hope that I'm just going through another phase and that I'll eventually get rid of these insecurities because they are not founded. If he would cause these insecurities, then it would be entirely a different issue. I think just letting it out has helped a lot. We all have insecurities when it comes to our relationships and/or marriages. Yours is not unusual and appreciate you sharing it. However you have not answered the important question.... Do you make him happy and does he tell that to you? For some (like mem11363 and me) sex is a very important part in the relationship dynamic. As a male, if I was model gorgeous, I hope I would search for someone who I loved, love me, respected, was a wonderful person inside and great to be with that would all be very important.... But also I'd expect and demand that spark in the bedroom. Yes we pry here @ LS and you have not answered those questions. I do hope you hapiness.
mem11363 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Glad you asked this. Because I think it is core. If your partner is very sexual with you - and does NOT radiate sexual interest at other women, whether they are on tv, in a magazine etc - THAN - generally these doubts are minimal. If however your partner shows minimal sexual interest in you, these fears grow out of control. We all have insecurities when it comes to our relationships and/or marriages. Yours is not unusual and appreciate you sharing it. However you have not answered the important question.... Do you make him happy and does he tell that to you? For some (like mem11363 and me) sex is a very important part in the relationship dynamic. As a male, if I was model gorgeous, I hope I would search for someone who I loved, love me, respected, was a wonderful person inside and great to be with that would all be very important.... But also I'd expect and demand that spark in the bedroom. Yes we pry here @ LS and you have not answered those questions. I do hope you hapiness.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Glad you asked this. Because I think it is core. If your partner is very sexual with you - and does NOT radiate sexual interest at other women, whether they are on tv, in a magazine etc - THAN - generally these doubts are minimal. If however your partner shows minimal sexual interest in you, these fears grow out of control. Hey he could just be asexual, which would be the best case scenario for a less attractive souse worried about her gorgeous spouse straying.... There really is no winning.
shadowplay Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Hey he could just be asexual, which would be the best case scenario for a less attractive souse worried about her gorgeous spouse straying.... There really is no winning. Or maybe he's very sexual and finds his wife attractive.
BettyBoop Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Sominret, beauty truly is in the eye's of the beholder. My previous exes were all less attractive than me - but when I loved them I didn't think so. I thought they were cute and sexy. When I stopped loving them - they became ugly due to personality traits. People we like become attractive in our eyes - and people we don't like become unattractive. When my exes loved me they all thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world and no other woman compared to me. (That changed when I broke up with them of course. XP) So, you know, if your husband loves you...you truly are the most beautiful woman in the room to him.
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