Jealous of my wife, it could be over

[by1self]

I have been with my wife for 9 years and have 2 kids 3yr and 7 yr old. I have always been jealous of my wife;example I tell her not to dress to tight to go to work but thats what she mostly owns. Also I never really agreed with her going to nightclubs/ bars with her friends late night. She recently got boob implants and lipo and now feels super confident and wants to wear what ever she wants n is feed up with all the jealousy. I decided to go to thearpy about 2 weeks ago to try to fix my problem and found that an Ex was the root of my jealousy problem. Ever since I started thearpy Ive been over obssesed/ crazy jealous about her but try not to let it out but does sometimes. I guess my question is how do I fight these feelings cause my wife says shes tired of me being this way? Is there anything else I can do, this therapy seems to be working backwards its really hard and Ive been very depressed.

Edited February 10, 2010 by by1self

[cuppa]

If you feel that the therapy makes you feeling worse then perhaps you should try different therapist?

 

At the least, you acknowledge that you have an issue that needs to be confronted and resolved and you are not ashamed to seek help, even through the help of therapist. That's a lot better than majority of people esp for men.

 

You are in the right direction and perhaps just apply a bit patient while you are working through your counseling (including the possibility of switching therapist).

[sally4sara]

It is not out of the realm of possibility that you have two things contributing to your feelings of jealousy at the same time and neither of them are due to currently being in therapy.

 

#1 you have found that you have unresolved issues over a past relationship

AND

#2 your keep finding yourself attracted to women who have an exhibitionist streak which exacerbates the as yet unresolved feelings you are trying to work through.

 

I can see a woman who has had two kids and no fear of surgery opting for some plastic solution. I can see it being a boost to her confidence to have what she feels is an improved body if the procedure is successful.

What I do see as a potential problem is if she is not satisfied with her husband's approval and seeks out, over and over, validation from people who don't know what her real admirable qualities were with or without her new plastic props.

Are you not interested in going out with her or are you not really welcome to come along?

[by1self]

Well we go out with and without the kids from time to time. She says she just needs a break and wants to be alone since shes with the kids from morning till about 5pm then goes to to work from 7/8pm till 530am. I work from 7am-4pm and take over from there. My 3yr old is with her all morning and shes always saying she needs a break being that she dosent get good sleep.

[AsTearsGoBy]

I think if I were in your position, I'd be jealous too. Your wife got a boob job and is going out clubbing? I am not saying she's doing anything wrong, but I would not do that in my marriage, my husband would freak. please take care of yourself and your children, good luck.

[Ronni_W]

In early stages of therapy, it frequently feels much worse than when you started...and then it gets better. The conventional wisdom is to give it 4 to 6 weeks with the same therapist, as you can't really make an informed decision prior to that -- the therapeutic relationship and process are both still too new to you.

At the same time, do discuss your concerns with your therapist. If s/he does not give you enough information to allay your fears then, yes, you could consider another therapist (at the end of the 4 to 6 week period.)

 

 

To me, it really depends on how often your wife is going out clubbing. She could be operating from totally faulty/delusional ideas of what it takes to have a happy, healthy, mutually supportive marriage; and what are her appropriate responsibilities and obligations to you.

 

Have you checked MarriageBuilders.com, specifically 'The Policy of Joint Agreement' (under the 'basic concepts' tab.)

[by1self]

No my wife has never been clubbing with her gfs but wants to now. Its like those implants/lipo gave her this a new prespective of life for her. She doesnt want to hear no type of opinon cause she says its been the years of my jealousy. I mean I dont know if shes pushing the limit or if shes right? It just happened so fast. I will check the sight out. I'm not the type of person to ever share my feelings or show them in this form, this therapy has weakened me in a form that I never knew and it doesnt help not to have total support from my wife being that shes mad at the situation.

[Ronni_W]

To me, it's not unreasonable for spouses to want and need to occasionally socialize with their same-sex friends.

 

I get its the type of socializing she wants to do and how she wants to dress for said socializing that has you in a tizzy. I get its a trust issue.

 

How do you let your wife know that you find her sexy and amazingly hot? Have you conveyed that you love her new look? Do you guys make time for date nights? (Exchange babysitting with other couples, if necessary.)

 

If you're thinking-feeling that you're not living up to your side of helping her feel great about herself and keeping the passion alive in your relationship, then your own complacency/laziness in this area can actually be contributing to your own fears and anxiety.

 

Maybe you could discuss with her from a point of view of how much you love her and the life you two have built together, and would hate for anything to happen that would threaten that?

At some point, you may just have to accept that YOU'RE the guy she loves and wants to come home to, and the other stuff is just her letting loose and having some fun. It could even turn out that you get extra-special bonus sex when she gets home

[by1self]

Yes I do have trust issues as well. We do go out some nights but not to often due to the kids. I always tell her nice things regarding her looks new/old, even about her qualities as a person. I always make an effort to hang out with/ without the kids. I mean my problem is the jealousy factor on how I try to control her outfits for work and question some of male co-workers one in perticular because she added him on facebook and jokes with him on comments. She replies to me that she dosent care about who I speak with at work(I work in the field with guys) nor on facebook. Its seems petty but this are our problems that are being a problem because we cant come to an understanding

[Blindsidedagainalive]

Keep up the therapy.