Friendsfirst Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Hello everyone. I am writing because I need some honest opinions. I will try to keep this as short as possible and I thank you ahead of time for reading and contributing. I have been separated now for just over a year. My divorce is in progress and may be final as soon as the end of this month. My wife really doesn't talk to me and is essentially the one that gave up. My dilemma is this...after talking with a few of her friends I have found out that she has completely isolated herself from everybody. She never leaves her apartment and now she isn't even talking on the phone with her friends. I have known all along that she smokes marijuana but I am told she is now doing it ALL the time. I am also told that her friends have reason to believe that she is also hooked on even heavier drugs, possibly prescription. This does not surprise me as she has never really known how to deal with stress and/or anxiety. I am very worried about her and am not really sure what to do. Part of me says it's no longer my problem and it's not even really my business. In all reality she has shut me out of her life (along with her entire network of friends and family). The other part of me says that I should make her parents aware of this or try in some fashion to get her help. The signs all point to a drug problem (severe weight loss, withdrawal, lack of ambition, irritated etc.) but obviously I have not actually seen it happen so there is a certain level of speculation. I don't want to raise unnecessary concern but I also don't want something bad to happen and feel like I did nothing. Any input would be greatly appreciated and feel free to ask any questions you may have.
reboot Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 It sounds like you'd really like to help her if you could. So go ahead and take a shot at it. It's OK, really. There's no law that says you have to hate her. Heck, you may even earn yourself some karma points in the process.
mimidarlin Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Step back for a moment. Your wife gave up...you didn't. She is abusing drugs...legal or illegal. I understand that you still care for your wife and want her to be safe but it isn't your job any longer. I think I would alert her parents if I were in your situation but it doesn't mean they can do much about it. Be careful of being codependent. You can't save her she has to want treatment. There are drug abusers in my family and it hurts to watch them go deeper and deeper. However, as much as other people have tried to help them they haven't helped themselves. I'm sorry that you are in pain but it isn't your responsibility any longer. Take care of yourself.
Author Friendsfirst Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 Thank you both for your responses. My way of thinking so far has been to let her parents know and let them handle it. I'm just concerned about going to them with speculation. I'm confident I'm right but there's always the concern that I'm over-worried. Mimidarlin, I'm curious what you meant by not becoming codependent. I've had someone say something similar to me so I was just hoping you could explain further. Thanks.
whichwayisup Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Her friends should be getting involved and helping her, involving her parents. It won't hurt for you to make a call to her folks, your ex-inlaws, but don't be the one to save her. She's allowed herself to go downhill, for whatever reason. Instead of getting help, she's chosen to be alone and now it's got worse, she more than likely knows this but doesn't know how to ask for help. I have to ask, are there kids involved here? If so, you need to get the kids away from her during this ride she's on.
Author Friendsfirst Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 I thought the same thing about her friends and am baffled at why they are just sitting back and saying they are worried about her but haven't done anything to intervene. When we first separated I don't think there was a drug issue but she was struggling with dealing with things. I offered her everything including helping her get into counseling, going with her to get her going and also to pay for it. She took me up on none of it. Fortunately we have no kids together. She lives by herself with her dog and cats.
whichwayisup Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Are those pets being looked after? I would be concerned, especially smoke and drug smoke around animals aren't a good thing and it's harmful to them as well. Make the call to your exinlaw's. Explain to them you're worried about her health, the pets and that she needs to get help asap otherwise this depressio and drug habit is going to get worse.
Doing it Since '78 Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I would stay away, she is toxic, and do you really want to be pulled back into that situation, especially now with hard (er) drugs and other things going on? If she has your number, she can get in touch with you, when she is ready for help, once your sucked back in, their is no telling how far it could go at your expense (legal issues, drug debt issues, dependency issues, etc, etc) And what makes you think that she would even be grateful for your intervention?
mimidarlin Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I think of codependent as a need to take care of or fix another. A more technical definition ..." It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive." We seem to step into relationship roles of caring for someone who desperately needs help. It fulfills an urge or need in us as the caregiver but the relationship is one sided. It isn't healthy and our SO might be abusing or neglecting us yet we continue to hang around.
Author Friendsfirst Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 The one thing I can be most sure of is the pets well being. She is an animal lover and would do anything for them. Although I do agree with the issue of the pets being around the smoke. Mimidarlin, thanks so much for responding back. I think that was a good wake up call for me as I think I do tend to be codependent as there was drug and alcohol issues within the family while I was growing up. I usually took it upon myself to try and fix those things and really do want to step out of that role. Doing it since '78, i appreciate your response and I guess I never looked at it like what could result from me intervening down the road. So much to think about
Doing it Since '78 Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 The one thing I can be most sure of is the pets well being. She is an animal lover and would do anything for them. Although I do agree with the issue of the pets being around the smoke. Mimidarlin, thanks so much for responding back. I think that was a good wake up call for me as I think I do tend to be codependent as there was drug and alcohol issues within the family while I was growing up. I usually took it upon myself to try and fix those things and really do want to step out of that role. Doing it since '78, i appreciate your response and I guess I never looked at it like what could result from me intervening down the road. So much to think about From my own personal experience of dealing with an addict (not my stbxw, but another close family member), nothing, and I repeat nothing comes before the hit! Not children, husband/wife, family well being, job/career, nothing comes before the next blast (whether alcohol, heroin, crack, sex, gambling, whatever!). Until she is ready to kick, it will not happen, irregardless of how much you want to help. I am in a situation currently, where I am really not in a position to give advice, but trust me on this one, if she has filled her void with ANY outside substance, only she and she alone can curb that appetite. The pets will suffer, and thank the Lord no kids are involved, but once drugs (which it could be anything, but were talking drugs) fill that void, they (the escape) has to turn on you before anything productive can happen. Be mindful of your life, and whether or not she is at a place where she can receive your help (not your power to enable or provide towards her destructive lifestyle), and actually do something for herself with your assistance, if not I can pretty much guarantee you will sink before she swims. Good luck bro!
reboot Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 What a great world we live in where we don't help people because they are not our "responsibility"......
In_Repair Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Maybe she is seeing someone new and she shut everyone out because she is spending all of her free time with him. Maybe she has lost weight because she wants to look and feel better. Maybe the "harder" drug she is on now is a prescription, and nobody else's business. What proof do you have of anything? The lack of action by her friends points to two different possibilities. The first is that they really are not her friends, obviously, because they are too slack to step in. The second possibility is that it's just speculation on their part and nothing but rumors being spread by shunned friends. Either way, why assume that they are being completely truthful? If you are really worried about it, then simply talk to her... certainly not her parents at this point.
Doing it Since '78 Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 What a great world we live in where we don't help people because they are not our "responsibility"...... I imagine you have never seen an addict destroy everything around them, searching for the next blast. The OP isn't talking about helping an old lady cross the street, or grabbing shopping bags for an handicap person, he is talking about possibly entering into HER world, which could end up being a disaster for him. Do you think she would help him out if the roles were reversed?
Author Friendsfirst Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 Thanks again for all your responses. Let me clarify that I have tried to talk to her. Although I haven't asked her directly about this situation I have tried to help her with any troubles she has had and have tried over and over to talk to her. She simply ignores me. All along I had assumed this was just me shunned being that I am the stbxh but when I found out that she has shut out everybody I became concerned. I did have the thought that maybe she met someone else and ofcourse that's still an option. However her attitude and her behavior when I have talked to her and seen her show something different. Honestly I hope thats the case, but my gut says it's not.
Doing it Since '78 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Thanks again for all your responses. Let me clarify that I have tried to talk to her. Although I haven't asked her directly about this situation I have tried to help her with any troubles she has had and have tried over and over to talk to her. She simply ignores me. All along I had assumed this was just me shunned being that I am the stbxh but when I found out that she has shut out everybody I became concerned. I did have the thought that maybe she met someone else and ofcourse that's still an option. However her attitude and her behavior when I have talked to her and seen her show something different. Honestly I hope thats the case, but my gut says it's not. In that case, if she is ignoring you then mind your own business. Also make sure you are really doing this to help her, and not trying to squeeze your way back in, however if you really feel compelled to help her, make sure your intentions are known that that is all you want to do
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