pandagirl Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 My boyfriend just left yesterday. We've only been dating two months (though we saw each other almost every day during that time) and we want to make this work. But instead of missing him and longing for him, I am filled with fear and doubt. I'm scared it won't work out, that our feeling will change for each other... How do I overcome these feelings? Should I discuss them with him?
carhill Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Does fear and doubt rule you? Good question to ask, IMO. To me, it speaks to the dynamics within yourself wrt relationships. Where's your balance point?
Author pandagirl Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 Does fear and doubt rule you? Good question to ask, IMO. To me, it speaks to the dynamics within yourself wrt relationships. Where's your balance point? Yes, fear and doubt do tend to rule me. As my best friend (who is a respectable clinical psychologist says): "It must be exhausting being you!" My balance point: it really isn't a balance point, but taking the Buddhist ideals and applying them to my worries helps. We create our own suffering, which is essentially what I'm doing. When I look at what my boyfriend's actions and words say to me, there is no way I can be doubtful of his feelings for me, even though my tendency IS to doubt. I'm creating fear, but taming it is a constant battle, and one that I'm aware could cause relationship problems down the line.
carhill Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 So, in essence, you are at war with yourself. Is there a way to sue for peace? I know those fears; those doubts. MC taught me the concept of acceptance, even of fears and doubts. Accept them; embrace them for the weight they carry in one's psyche. Find a positive way to use them. You're scared it won't work out. That's reasonable. Did it work out today?
Author pandagirl Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 So, in essence, you are at war with yourself. Is there a way to sue for peace? I know those fears; those doubts. MC taught me the concept of acceptance, even of fears and doubts. Accept them; embrace them for the weight they carry in one's psyche. Find a positive way to use them. You're scared it won't work out. That's reasonable. Did it work out today? Yes, at war with myself is a good way to put it. Learning to accept these feelings is a way to deal with them and a good suggestion. I am definitely scared it won't work out. I'm afraid my feelings will change, that his feelings will change, that he will cheat, that something will HAPPEN. I realize these are the risks any relationship has, but the distance is making them take more precedence in my mind. Today did work out! In fact, he just called me. It's only day 1 though. haha. Maybe I should take it one day at a time. It's exhausting trying to keep everything in check though.
carhill Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Maybe I should take it one day at a time. That's not just an old TV show, you know? Happy to hear he called.
illusionz Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 Oh I know exactly how you feel, the doubts and fears of it not working is very exhausting then when they call and say sweetie or just something that reminds you that it is ok your fine until you hang up the phone and realize you don't get to see them anytime soon or tomorrow morning. Any ideas how to get past the fear of failing?
Author pandagirl Posted February 14, 2010 Author Posted February 14, 2010 Oh I know exactly how you feel, the doubts and fears of it not working is very exhausting then when they call and say sweetie or just something that reminds you that it is ok your fine until you hang up the phone and realize you don't get to see them anytime soon or tomorrow morning. Any ideas how to get past the fear of failing? Today was a bad day. I spent all day feeling insecure, because we didn't talk the phone yesterday or today (thought we texted). I was all doomsday. He said he would call me today, but didn't and I rightfully got upset and was planning to have a talk to him tomorrow about how our communication need to be better. But then just 30 min ago, he called me. He was sleeping but set his alarm so he could wish me happy valentine's day and told me he missed me and loved me. So for now my fears are quelled, BUT I'm still going to have a little talk with him about our communication.
JessaL Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 Wow, I really relate to you pandagirl. No advice at this time, but I hope things work out for you
xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 I really understand how it feels - Im currently having the same sort of insecurities but for no particular reason, my LDR is going very well and my sweetheart treats me like a precious flower. But due to terrible previous relationships and a difficult childhood I now have trust issues which makes me sceptical when my new man tells me something nice or talks about the future. I have been lied to and let down so many times but I know deep down that this one is the real deal. What do you think is the underlying cause of your insecurity?
Author pandagirl Posted February 14, 2010 Author Posted February 14, 2010 I really understand how it feels - Im currently having the same sort of insecurities but for no particular reason, my LDR is going very well and my sweetheart treats me like a precious flower. But due to terrible previous relationships and a difficult childhood I now have trust issues which makes me sceptical when my new man tells me something nice or talks about the future. I have been lied to and let down so many times but I know deep down that this one is the real deal. What do you think is the underlying cause of your insecurity? It's hard to overcome our insecurities. I seem to possess somewhat equal parts of rational and irrational thinking, so usually I can talk myself down, but sometimes I can't. I had major self-esteem problems throughout my teens and early twenties, suffering from bouts of depression. I worked hard to get through these things, but remnants of it still remain. I did have a bad experience with a guy that kind of messed with my head. Like you, I am skeptical of when my bf talks about the future or tells me something nice. He called me this morning and I told him I was feeling a little insecure and upset about things, and he was patient and kind and gave me reassurance. But, I know I can't be "needy" all the time. I need to be able to trust him. But how??
JessaL Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 It's hard to overcome our insecurities. I seem to possess somewhat equal parts of rational and irrational thinking, so usually I can talk myself down, but sometimes I can't. I had major self-esteem problems throughout my teens and early twenties, suffering from bouts of depression. I worked hard to get through these things, but remnants of it still remain. I did have a bad experience with a guy that kind of messed with my head. Like you, I am skeptical of when my bf talks about the future or tells me something nice. He called me this morning and I told him I was feeling a little insecure and upset about things, and he was patient and kind and gave me reassurance. But, I know I can't be "needy" all the time. I need to be able to trust him. But how?? One thing I've done when in your situation is start a journal where I made an effort to consistently record the things the my SO did that showed he cared about me, or was thinking about me, or that he was committed to the relationship &etc. Sometimes when I'm feeling insecure, I'll just call him. I don't ask for reassurance, or bring up my insecurity or anything, but just him answering the phone and talking to me makes me feel better.
deux ex machina Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 ...Sometimes when I'm feeling insecure, I'll just call him. I don't ask for reassurance, or bring up my insecurity or anything, but just him answering the phone and talking to me makes me feel better. I like that. ---------- pandagirl, I think that a part of it is also trusting yourself - to know that come what may you will be okay. Because you will be, no matter what happens. ((pandagirl))
xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 It's hard to overcome our insecurities. I seem to possess somewhat equal parts of rational and irrational thinking, so usually I can talk myself down, but sometimes I can't. I had major self-esteem problems throughout my teens and early twenties, suffering from bouts of depression. I worked hard to get through these things, but remnants of it still remain. I did have a bad experience with a guy that kind of messed with my head. Like you, I am skeptical of when my bf talks about the future or tells me something nice. He called me this morning and I told him I was feeling a little insecure and upset about things, and he was patient and kind and gave me reassurance. But, I know I can't be "needy" all the time. I need to be able to trust him. But how?? Ive only ever told my guy outright that Im actually feeling insecure about twice (I reckon I must also give out subtle traits as well, being as insecure as I am is hard to hide) and he responded quite upset and worried himself - worried that Im worried if that makes sense? He reassured me that he would be devastated if he lost me and not to worry about anything as he loves me and wants a future with me. When I realised he actually saw my issues from this perspective it made me think I have to just stop it! I dont want to worry him or upset him at all, its difficult though cos like you I feel ok when he has just reassured me but a few days later I start to feel upset again, its a nightmare sometimes. I find that Im especially bad towards the latter part of my cycle too! Anyway, the way I deal with it now is when we are talking online - everytime a negative thought comes into my head I turn it around for myself by telling him how much I love him or something similar - that way I get my reassurance reciprocated with his positive responses without actually showing neediness, see what I mean? Try doing that, at least online/on the phone anyway. Save the in depth discussions about it for real life as they may be misinterpreted otherwise and its very hard to express these kind of feelings if you are not physically with the person at the time. The times I did attempt to discuss it online left me more upset (that I had worried him, and that he didnt get why I felt this way) so I am saving the proper talk for real life which is also hard also because in a LDR situation your time together is precious and should be spent having fun, so I will try to keep it brief, yet make him understand my reasons for being insecure (the way Ive been treated in the past by family/guys/friends). Sorry to hear you went through similar things in your past, hope your depression has improved. {{{hugs}}}
AnnPod Posted February 14, 2010 Posted February 14, 2010 Hello pandagirl, As far as I know, the LDRs that work out are the ones where both sides can accept the fact of being separated for some time and make the best of it. For some it means talking and texting etc. as often as possible, or thinking of nice ways to surprise each other, others need less communication and try to get more independent from each other but keep the feeling of love and commitment. The hardest part is actually not to be driven by negative emotions, but to find a way to be happy. The way you're describing it, you are getting obsessed with your issues, your grief, and I don't wanna sound rude, but this is egoistic, and your boyfriend will have a hard time to please you unless you figure it out yourself. My advise would be to step back from your relationship for some time, think things thru, and figure out what your motivation is - because you find this person so great and inspiring and so on, or because you are crazily scared of losing him and that it all might not work out. Face it, it might not work out (like it happens in ANY type of relationship), but if you for real want this, you will give your energy to make it work, and enjoy the fact that you found someone special and every aspect of love as such that all this brings. You should see it like this: He is not only there to comfort you, you are also there to make him happy. It takes some self discipline and energy to do that, but I think after all this is the way to feel better. And yes, if you can't get some happiness from this, then you should move on. Re-reading your post, it seems it's all very new to you, to be in this situation, so it's very normal what you feel, I think there is no person here who could not relate to that. So try to find out if you can do it, and be honest with yourself. Good luck, Annpod
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