kismetxx Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 I broke up with my boyfriend on Saturday and he really doesn't want to break up. We've been together for over 3 years and have been living together for two (we are 24 and 26). I feel like this has been a long time coming because we have no communication skills, no trust for one another, and get in huge fights on pretty much a weekly basis. I do love him, but we have a lot of bad habits as a couple and I feel like the relationship has pretty much been built on partying, drugs, and alchohol. He wants to get married one day and has called me his 'common law wife' and talks about eventual weddings and kids. I don't feel the same way given the state of our relationship. I used to think that we would eventually 'grow up' and stop drinking/partying/fighting so much, but it seems like it is just part of who we are as a couple. He really didn't want to break up and asked if we can call it a break rather than breaking up 'because it would make him feel better about the whole situation'. I doubt that we would be able to change enough to ever make this work... but IF we did, then i would be happy to be with him again. my question is: is it misleading to say we're on a break? I tend to think that asking for a break is just a way of breaking up less 'painfully' but that it ends up being MORE painful in the end for the one who wants to get back together because it is more drawn out. but since i wasn't the one that asked for the break i think that maybe the seriousness of my doubts about us as a couple is more clear...... advice? comments? experience with breaks?
t0ri Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Call it what it is, not what he wants it to be called in order for him to feel a little better about the situation. What do YOU want? It seems you want a breakup, so I think you should let him know exactly how you feel. Clear and direct. Maybe you two could try couples counseling. It is wise of you to realize, though, that a relationship built on drugs, fighting, alcohol, and partying is no healthy relationship at all. Breaks, in my opinion, do absolutely no good. Either stay together and work on things, or breakup. "Breaks" just drag the inevitable out - breaking up. Time apart will do nothing to fix anything.
GrayClouds Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Yes your leading him on. Even if your doing so to be kind, that fact is it is much more respectful and kind to let him move on as soon as he can. It is time to be an adult and break up, tell him going NC will help, and then do not start dating right away. Give yourself some time to heal, and to learn how to enjoy being single. That will help your next realtionship be more successful. Good luck.
thepulse27 Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I agree with both of these. Breaks don't make sense to me, if you ever do manage to get back together they inevitably cause more problems than they fix. And honesty is always the best policy. Even if what you say kills him now, in a few months he will start to put his life back together, but if you let him believe that one day soon he'll have you back then you're crippling him, he will never move on. If you really do love him, and would actually be happy if it worked out, then give it a chance and really work on the things that bother you. But I don't get the feeling that you want him anymore, so please put him out of his misery. (I've just realised, that's an awfully misleading expression).
skydiveaddict Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 any relationship that has built around "partying, drugs and alcohol will never endure anyway. best get yourself out of this situation
Ronni_W Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I agree with the others...except that he's asked you to mislead him for the purpose of allowing him to achieve HIS goal of "feeling better about the whole situation", hasn't he? I think. Why not tell him that he's free to call it whatever he likes, but you won't be back until you can be assured that he is also desiring a 'responsible adult' lifestyle and relationship. In the meantime, improve your own relationship skills and offer him the resources -- you'll find out soon enough if he is or is not ready and willing to take a step up. There's an apparently good book on communications. I haven't ordered it yet, but the customer comments at amazon.com suggest it's a keeper. 'We Can Work It Out: How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage, and Strengthen Your Love For Each Other' by Markman and Notarius. Another relationship skill that doesn't get enough mention, IMO, is forgiveness. You could try 'Forgive For Love' by Fred Luskin. (This one's currently on sale for ninety-nine cents, at BookCloseOuts.com) Gift him one of each for Valentine's Day, perhaps? Best of luck.
Platinum27 Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 bad news stops us for a little while but then we move on. Hope is paralyzing....
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