kardee7 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Hi everyone. I need advice!!!!!!! I recently started dating this guy who I am head over heals for. We get along so well, laugh and have so much in common. There is just one major problem. Both of us come from relationships where our significant others cheated on us. For me, it was over a year and half ago and I although we were engaged and planning our wedding, I am feeling much better about things now. The major issue has to do with him though. During our first date he came clean and told me he is still married, although they are in the divorce process and he has moved out. A few dates further down the line I found out that he only separated from his wife in October 09. He has made it clear that there is no chance of him getting back together and I believe him. The problem that I have is that I'm ready for a relationship and that he feels that he is ok dating. Neither of us want to lose each other because we have such a strong connection. Its something I can't explain but even before I knew all this I had a gut feeling that there is something really special here. We are very open with each other and talk about how we are feeling and fears. Understandably he is very confused about his feelinds and what he is going through. He talks about me in the long term and makes plans with me for months from now and says our relationship is serious, but at the same time is scared to commit his feelings right now. See?!?!?! Ah! I have the option of dating other people at the same time but bc of my past this is not something I really want to do. Do I just let this relationship go? Do I wait around? Do I just have fun and see where it leads? I need advice!!!! I've never been married and don't know what it's like to go through a divorce but it can't be easy. I am, however, able to relate bc of the situation I came from. I am just so confused so any advice, comments, support etc that anyone can offer I would appreciate. Please be honest!!!! Thanks K
sunrae Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 What's the big rush? The relationship is still new... If you like him, stick around and see where it goes. It's understandable to be a little nervous and worried about getting hurt again, but you cant think about that. Enjoy the relationship, continue to be honest with each other. Doesnt seem like he's given you any reason not to trust him.
soulm8 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 During our first date he told me he is still married, although they are in the divorce process and he has moved out. A few dates further down the line I found out that he only separated from his wife in October 09. He has made it clear that there is no chance of him getting back together and I believe him. That's very recent. He's dating to help him move on with his life... you risk being his rebound. I'm ready for a relationship and that he feels that he is ok dating. He's not ready and you need to date other guys who are looking for a relationship. Dating is not the same as a relationship. I have never been married and don't know what it's like to go through a divorce but it can't be easy. Many people going through a divorce reconcile; I was one of em... it's a complicated and emotional roller coaster. Avoid men who are "seperated" - they need to be divorced before you seriously consider a relationship with them. I know you don't want to hear that, but I'm only trying to help you avoid heart break.
Author kardee7 Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 What's the big rush? The relationship is still new... Enjoy the relationship, continue to be honest with each other. Doesnt seem like he's given you any reason not to trust him. I guess it's not about the trust... well it is in that I have to trust he's not going to hurt me, but bc we both went through something like that I'm not as scared that he's going to cheat as I would be with someone else. I think it's more about if he's ready to invest himself with someone else yet.
Author kardee7 Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 That's very recent. He's dating to help him move on with his life... you risk being his rebound. He says he is and that I'm not a rebound. We've had long conversations about this. Neither of us date people unless there is potential long term relationships. Many people going through a divorce reconcile; I was one of em... it's a complicated and emotional roller coaster. Avoid men who are "seperated" - they need to be divorced before you seriously consider a relationship with them. I also have no doubts that he's going to go back to his wife. He is repulsed by the sight of her. He actually saw her the other day when they were dealing with some financial stuff and she asked if there was any chance. He told her no and that it wouldn't work out. He's been out of that relationship mentally longer than he's been separated, he says over a year. They got married young and grew apart. Plus his wife is still with the other guy despite the above!!! He can't trust her anymore. I know you don't want to hear that, but I'm only trying to help you avoid heart break. I very much appreciate what you have to say. It's so hard and I'm trying to make a decision. It's so difficult because I really do enjoy his company and he's unlike any guy I have ever met before. He has said the same to me despite being married before!!! All we want to do is be around each other but have to put the breaks on to give both of us time to deal with the new situation. I don't want to run into something too serious bc it is also my first relationship since the breakup with my cheating fiance. Do I trust my gut or go with my head??? Can you see the confusion??
Author kardee7 Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 That's very recent. He's dating to help him move on with his life... you risk being his rebound. He says he is and that I'm not a rebound. We've had long conversations about this. Neither of us date people unless there is potential long term relationships. Many people going through a divorce reconcile; I was one of em... it's a complicated and emotional roller coaster. Avoid men who are "seperated" - they need to be divorced before you seriously consider a relationship with them. I also have no doubts that he's going to go back to his wife. He is repulsed by the sight of her. He actually saw her the other day when they were dealing with some financial stuff and she asked if there was any chance. He told her no and that it wouldn't work out. He's been out of that relationship mentally longer than he's been separated, he says over a year. They got married young and grew apart. Plus his wife is still with the other guy despite the above!!! He can't trust her anymore. I know you don't want to hear that, but I'm only trying to help you avoid heart break. I very much appreciate what you have to say. It's so hard and I'm trying to make a decision. It's so difficult because I really do enjoy his company and he's unlike any guy I have ever met before. He has said the same to me despite being married before!!! All we want to do is be around each other but have to put the breaks on to give both of us time to deal with the new situation. I don't want to run into something too serious bc it is also my first relationship since the breakup with my cheating fiance. Do I trust my gut or go with my head??? Can you see the confusion??
torranceshipman Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Well I think he has kind of made the decision for you? I mean, he says he's happy to date but doesn't want to get into a relationship (i.e. he isnt ready to commit/is scared to commit). Add this to the fact that he is still married (yes, separated, but still married). I'd suggest you take care and just enjoy dating but also date otherguys and trynot to have too many expectations of him. Who knows what will happen but it sounds like you are falling hard and he just doesnt seem to be ready for that kind of thing.
Sharla Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 I once thought that it was a question of timing, I'm not so sure anymore. We see so many times, where one person says they are not ready for a relationship, and then a couple months down the road, they are in one with someone other than you. I think it really means, that they are just not ready for a relationship with YOU. And if that is the case, I would think that would mean that you are not right for each other.
soulm8 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Sharla's correct! Please listen to what he has told you... he's not ready to do anything but Date. Hold onto your heart girl...
Author kardee7 Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 Sharla's correct! Please listen to what he has told you... he's not ready to do anything but Date. Hold onto your heart girl... HA!!! you guys are great!!! Thanks so much and keep it coming. I guess i still second guess just walking away bc of what happens when i back off a bit and 'play the game'. He totally comes running. I just wonder why he says all these amazing things to me if he's not ready?!? He wants me to meet his family and friends, talks about us going on vacation in May etc. I get so many confusing messages. I know I'm probably making excuses but what we have is soooo good besides this one MAJOR factor! And we're only dating!!! What would happen if/when we take it to the next level?!? grr!!!
soulm8 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 I guess i still second guess just walking away bc of what happens when i back off a bit and 'play the game'. He totally comes running. I just wonder why he says all these amazing things to me if he's not ready?!? He wants me to meet his family and friends, talks about us going on vacation in May etc. I get so many confusing messages. Hey, actions speak louder than words... repeat after me
Sharla Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 HA!!! you guys are great!!! Thanks so much and keep it coming. I guess i still second guess just walking away bc of what happens when i back off a bit and 'play the game'. He totally comes running. I just wonder why he says all these amazing things to me if he's not ready?!? He wants me to meet his family and friends, talks about us going on vacation in May etc. I get so many confusing messages. I know I'm probably making excuses but what we have is soooo good besides this one MAJOR factor! And we're only dating!!! What would happen if/when we take it to the next level?!? grr!!! I did not see before where you said he was verbalizing making plans with you and what not, so take my comment with a grain of salt. If you are doing all the things together and he says all of these things to you, then you're fine where you are so why would you need to walk away?
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