DolceVenganza Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 This April it will be 5 years on the rocky rollercoaster known as my "relationship." She: 26 (met @ 21) Me : 29 (met @ 25 - 30 in July) Our first 1-2 years was quite great. We were young, in love, and enjoyed life. We were avid concert-goers, beach bums, and campers. We probably drank too much and went out too often for dinner, but live and learn. Problems squeezed in then, though. Fights or squirmishes were based on truly foolish things and had a way of blowing up into all out battles, over truly meaningless things. During the early 1-3 years, we were on a few breaks. During those breaks, I chased her. We had no steadfast rules, but she did go on dates with 3 guys on various breaks, hooking up with 1 guy during that phase. Somehow we ended up back together. Since 2008, though, things have been very confusing. Perhaps I/she/us have been done long ago? Burnt out? I can't really tell if it's me not putting work in? I can't tell if we burned the passion out? If we aren't meant to be together? All I know is our relationship has been half-assed since 2008 and very up and down. We have done holidays and birthdays, but cards would often say "when things are more steady, I will be more romantic with my words and actions." She is still very horny and wants to hookup as well as expecting weekly plans, but she says 'we aren't together' or are confused. Last summer I came to find out she really meant we were done through facebook and some family members. We had had a fight over things and words were exchanged by both of us indicating 'being done because we couldn't handle it.' When she gets that hurt, she tends to take stubborn action and block me out, even if it's wildly stupid. I didn't realize it was official. During all prior fights like that, we'd get over it the next day or so. =--------------------- My big issues have always been she seems to 'make up' hurts in her mind. She was recently sick with the flu while I was staying over and me being in taxes had to go to work. She 'expected' me to be late for work and drive over after at 9/10 pm to take care of. When I said I didn't know if I could, she became quite angry and hurt saying 'any other guy would do this,' 'or if she was some other girl I would be there.' I can't say I wouldn't treat a different girl differently, or better, because I probably would. Our pasts have so much hurt and finger pointing that I have little patience for any new issues or problems. What brought up this post is that she turns 26 in 2 weeks and her past birthdays have been ruined. She does not want a 3peat. She basically called an ultimatum on me to decide if 'we are together or not.' To my point, we have mostly been together the last 2 years, as tough as it has been. While there have been good points, we have definately fought or quarreled our fair share. What good is an ultimatum now? What MORE can be done to make things better? How does a status change in our minds or publicly solve any problems in the long run? Perhaps this has run it's course...but I had asked her sometime ago to chill. What did I mean? To let her go off and play with her friends, to enjoy her hobbies and pursuits. I didn't need to date or bang other's, I just wanted the craziness and overbearing aspects of our relationship to stop. I suffered several deaths in my office and now my own father undergoing heart surgery in a few weeks. I needed a relationship for support, not work. I have had little faith that things would change. I suppose that's my answer, I just wish I could tell 'why' things seemed to just devolve as they have into this state. What could I have done differently? What could she have done? Sure we met young and I tend to be quite independent about my time, but I thought we had great potential. She's young, the wifey type, not a slut, comes from a great family, a wonderful home-maker, and great with people. She loves sex and is very thoughtful. But little things seemed to become big problems. She also has a problem with accepting blame. many fights started b/c she felt I did wrong when i didn't - it's like some invisible book of rules that I don't know and if I violate them, I'm done for. She wants to start fresh, again, for the umpteenth time. However, if that's the case, why aren't we going slow? Why the ultimatum? XMAS was ruined, so was my buddy's wedding. If we are to forget a large part of the past with hopes of salaving a 5 year relationship, why are putting the pedal to the metal? Thanks, Dolce
1013 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Hi Dolce. This does sound incredibly rocky. I really sympathise with you, i had been in a similar relationship for 4 years, it had it's ups and downs, but eventually dissolved. It was, and still is hard to deal with. We were around the same age as you two, and by the sounds of it had a similar lifestyle. We constantly were breaking up/getting back together. All this fighting at events reminds me of the drama I went through. When I look back now and try to pick out the negatives in the relationship in order to move on it is times like this that stick in my mind. So many parties ruined with fighting! Now I try to see I like my ex is obviously NOT the one if we could not work as a duo at times like this. It sounds like you are in a similar position to me, this girl has made it public that the relationship is over - but yet you hold the hope that all can be resolved. Perhaps she does too, but, you deserve (and I deserve) someone who is committed and mature. The last year and a half I have allowed my ex into my life because to some degree we are still dependant on eachother. I KNOW that this is extremely unhealthy. you need to distance yourself from this girl, her in and out and non commital attitude is not what you need. I am now learning to live alone, and I am happier when I know I cannot be hurt anymore. I have to learn how to love and respect myself now, and maybe later I can find a partner who is mature and steady. Much love Dolce, I hope you find the happiness you deserve.
1013 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Regarding the ultimatum, This is pure insecurity. I would not respond to this pressure. Perhaps she knows that the relationship is not to be saved if she is applying this pressure
Author DolceVenganza Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 At what point did your fights begin, 1013? Over what were they based? I accept disagreements will occur - I have disagreements with co-workers and family members, how would I not with someone I may see for several days in a row that has such lofty expectations of me? The point is, in my opinion, HOW you deal with said fight. In reading the book "Blink", one of the people they interviewed as a marital expert stated that he could determine in under 2 minutes whether a couple would be divorced inside 10 years or not, EVEN if they looked blissful and got along. The number one factor he saw? Contempt. If when people fought or argued, or even sarcastically remarked about a topic concerning their marriage they displayed contempt for the other person, to the point of underlying hatred, he knew that would crop up to the point of ending it all 95% of the time. I have sensed such feelings whilst fighting. Normally when you fight and are in a relationship the point is to quell the fire. Occasionally you just want to get things out, but hurting your S/O in the end ONLY hurts you because ultimately you do not get what you want, a closer, more peaceful relationship. Instead you distance them from you and have a larger gap to bridge. I have spoken very little about this relationship with people because for years I have felt wrong, as if so much wasn't good enough. Early on, we did alot. Many dinners out (weekly, sometimes twice a week), frequent 'happy hours,' trips to bars - much of it really seemed like a juvenile college relationship. We would do a lot of family things and travel to the beach or mountains. Pretty much the only thing we never did was a large tropical, week-long vacation, and that was because I could not stomach 5k if we couldn't even appreciate one nice dinner night. I withdrew. I stopped going out frequently with the aim of preserving and investing money and seeing how we would do with less. It didn't work. Instead she felt I wasn't treating her right. While she would buy beers, put out happy hours, and buy trinkets, I wasn't doing as I did. Oh sure, I'd grab breakfast, lunch or the occaisional dinner, but the shine of the new relationship wore off because I wasn't planning these things far in advance as fun activities, more they were random, sporadic choices last minute. We still did holidays, but often the bitterness was there. I would point out how she got upset over something wrongly, she would get vehemently pissed off more and attack, and from there it would spiral out of control. It hurts all the more because I viet the potential hear, the 5 years, and believe it could work. But each day I feel as if I have been brainwashed to accept her reality and beliefs and not my own. Because, as she claims, so many fights occur because of things I do wrongly, either consciously or unconsciously, I'm constantly trying to figure myself out. But it is a depressing cycle because I come to no answers. In the moments we have fought, I haven't intentionally gone to attack her or hurt her, she 'just feels hurt' and begins her assault. Her most common line is "any normal guy..." So when I am not doing something that she believes is common place amongst all men or prior bf's, that is her backup, that I am just doing something abnormal. It feels like the cart is before the horse most days. Thanks for reading and responding. ------------------ Where are you at with your X? Have you had any conversations after things have quieted down? Any realizations since you are away from the storm?
1013 Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 Hi Dolce, Apologies for not getting back sooner. I can see you are very hurt and confused by what is going on in your relationship. What you have said about comtempt is very interesting. I remember reading from a simlar source that stonewalling is another early symptom of relationship breakdown. I had experienced both in my relationship. We used to argue very frequently. Usually because I wasn't feeling that he was present some of the time, that he wasn't 100% there. I was right, but by confronting him, I only drove a wedge in and it became harder to recover in later years, like you say, you grow tired of having to cover the same ground all the time. It's as if it was doomed a long time before. This bitterness you speak of, it is really not healthy. I can only really relate through my own experince, I hope you don't mind but it seems there is a lot in common with these problems. In my case, there was bitterness present. We were both deeply unsatisfied with the relationship when I look back now, we both needed something else. We still love each other, I know I love him more than he loves me, and at this point, I have to try and remain strong and not contact him, or see him. There still is a physical tie there, we are still eager to sleep with eachother but I cannot do this anymore as I know that inevitably, I will get emotionaly invested in him again and be hurt when he withdraws. We live in the same city and share a circle of friends so sometimes it can be difficult, but I know in the end it will be worth it, I need to move on and find a new partner that can love me the way that I can love him. It's so difficult to forget about him, I dream about him etc, and find my mind wandering there a lot, but I have to try and remember the bad times so I can make it MY decision not to see him, or want him, not his. I'm sure I'll always have a soft spot for him, but I need to remember that love is sometimes not enough, especially when you are not receiving what you need. Dolce, I think you need to be really pragmatic about what you need v's what is happening here. Is this co-dependancy? Is it habitual? Are you satisfied? You also need to remember that physical initmacy is not love per sais, and that sex can really confuse the issue. After years with a partner, it becomes a very safe and pleasant option, and can release the strains of the relationship, if only temporarily. The strains of the relationship can also add to the passion of the intimacy too! Be very careful dear, all the best. Keep me posted, I will help you if I can
1013 Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 In re-reading what I have posted, I realise, that I have a lot of work to do on myself before I can enter another realtionship. I know that one does not choose when they come along, but I need to be in a place where I am independent of my partner, I was extremely f***** up when he left, because I had invested so much of myself in him, I felt my identity had been taken away. I'm recovering slowly, I know I still have a lot of work to do!
1013 Posted February 15, 2010 Posted February 15, 2010 Dolce, maybe read my thread to see where I am coming from http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t220704/
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