amreallystuck Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Hey all, this is my first time posting on any message board so bear with me its kind of a long story. I really could use any advice you can give though! I go to college with a girl that I have known for a few years (who I had always been attracted to), but we were always just more acquaintances than friends. We worked together all of last summer and really grew closer to each other as friends. She had a boyfriend at the time who lives out of state and there was definitely chemistry between us, but obviously didn't do anything to get in the way of that. We became closer friends, but not to the point where we would talk all the time and share close things. She asked me to come out to the bars one night in December and I asked if she was going to see her boyfriend over Christmas break and told me she had broken up with him. Anyway I was not in the state over Christmas break, but she started texting me a lot while I was away. These text convos were long lasting ones and I had just assumed she was lonely and needed someone to talk to. We ended up talking almost everyday for 3 weeks via text. Anyway I flew back into the state almost a month ago and we hung out that night with a group and she talked to me most of the night. So I decided to ask her out. She gave me "I like you and I could see us going out down the line, but I just got of a long relationship and I am afraid I would mess it up and we should stay friends for now." I appreciated her honesty and we ended up hanging out in a group that weekend. This time it got very touchy feely with flirting. Still continued to talk via text everyday, but she knew I was interested this time and we started talking about hanging out more. We eventually went to dinner on the last Saturday in January. Had a great time and she came back to my place to hang out (we cuddled and made out too even when I walked her to the car). So the following Tuesday I was sitting next to her in class and glanced at her laptop to see there was email exchanges with her ex (they had dated a little over one year). Asked her to hang out the following week, but she had legit plans and I told her that hopefully I did not rush her into anything. She told me she was fine, that she wasn't looking for anything serious, but had fun with me. I asked her again to hang out and apparently she changed her mind that she felt like she was rushing a little and that she probably shouldn't be dating she knows for sure she is over her ex and stuff. She assured me again that she had fun and I didn't do anything wrong. Then she said "for now we should just remain friends. Is that ok?". Of course I said yeah you need to figure out things. She did text me later and wanted to make plans to hang out in a group situation. I really do like this girl a lot and she is a genuinely decent person. We have talked everyday since Christmas break except for a few days and we even say goodnight to each other. She does like me, but its hard to compete with history of an ex (did i mention i found out she broke up with him?). My question is am I wasting my time thinking that I may have a shot down the line with her or should I try to move on (which sucks)? Thanks in advance.
soulm8 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 It sounds like she has hope left of getting back with her ex or at least resolving their issues. I was in the same spot for a bit and although I really could see things working out with my friend, as soon as the ex contacted me... I needed to try again to make that relationship work. I was honest and upfront about it though and didn't expect my friend to just wait around... My friend completely backed off - even stopped calling and emailing until I contacted him with an apology and assurance that I had resolved everything with the ex. Don't waste your time. They're still communicating as you saw.
gorgeous1 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 I think she has just got out of a relationship and is a bit mixed up and vulnerable and so sending out mixed messages. I think she must be genuinely attracted to you, but do you really want to be her rebound boyfriend? She needs time to heal, get over what happened between her ex boyfriend. You should be there for her as a friend and then when the time is right, things might happen, but until then, just be there for her as a friend, as what she needs right now is a shoulder to cry on and a good friend to make her feel better about herself as you dont know the reasons why their relationship broke up and only time will heal things. You mentioned a mutual chemistry between you and also the fact that she instigated the texting all over the xmas hols, so that shows she is interested but I think only time will tell. Good luck!
Author amreallystuck Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 Thanks for responding! I definitely feel confused in my head on what to do, but I care about her a lot and I don't want to be the jerk that just blows her off and stops talking with her. I feel like we probably should not text as much because it will only be harder on me. I kind of felt like I am a stop-gap in the situation, but I also am holding out hope because she told me the first time she wasn't ready yet and there is a possibility that something could eventually come from this kind of like the first time. I just feel like I am missing out on an opportunity, but I cannot control how she feels. She is one of those girls that you find and don't want to let get away. I did find out the details of her break-up from a friend. They involved things like his family hated her, he wouldn't stick up to her family for her, he said he would change things but never did, he could never have a real relationship talk, and she was sick of the long distance stuff because she lives about 5 hours away. Those types of things still make me think I have a shot, but my judgment is probably clouded somewhat.
soulm8 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 I don't want to be the jerk that just blows her off and stops talking with her. That's just it though - you won't come across as a jerk if you tell her it's obvious she needs time to clear her head. I totally respect my friend (now boyfriend) for having done that instead of waiting in the wings so to speak...
Author amreallystuck Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 Okay I feel like that is the best approach I can probably take then. She hasn't texted me yet today Should I just go ahead and text her to tell her that i don't want her to think that I am upset at her, but it is a good idea that we limit texting until she clears her head and figures out her situation? The problem is she and I have a bunch of classes together so I can't just completely back off because I will see her.
soulm8 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Okay I feel like that is the best approach I can probably take then. She hasn't texted me yet today Should I just go ahead and text her to tell her that i don't want her to think that I am upset at her, but it is a good idea that we limit texting until she clears her head and figures out her situation? The problem is she and I have a bunch of classes together so I can't just completely back off because I will see her. I'd wait until she texts or contacts you... then tell her. You don't have to ignore or avoid her (classes)... just back off on all the texting and hanging out.
sunrae Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Amreallystuck. I'm kind of in the same situation you are in... I have a good guy friend, we started hanging out ect, really big attarction towards each other, and he kind of started backing off, and asked for a little bit of time. We still talk and are friendly towards each other when we see each other and joke around. But he just got of a relationship right before we started hanging out (which I didnt know about, until I asked him one day). He said he really likes me and doesnt want me to be the rebound girl, because I'm to good for that (who knows) So, as hard as it is, I'm trying to let it be and see what happens... I quit calling and texting, but still bump into him everyonce in a while at work.
Author amreallystuck Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 Thanks a lot for helping me out. I had never dealt with a situation like this, so it was really stressing me out. If you don't mind me asking, how long did it take for you to figure out your situation? (I know everyone will be different)
soulm8 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 how long did it take for you to figure out your situation? (I know everyone will be different) I took me 2-3 weeks before I contacted my friend, and realistically... it shouldn't take much longer than that.
sunrae Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 We dated for about 3 months, and had so much fun togther, until one day he asked me for a little bit of time.. I said sure no problem (this was back in early Nov)... During our "break" We still chatted at work, when we saw each other, so about two months into our break I asked him what's up? You needed time, I gave you time, I'm cinfused you bought me a christmas present ect.... He the told me that he really liked me, having a hard time right now with his emotions ect, because he had just gotten out of a 4 year realationship. I was like oh, ok... Bascially he ended up saying he didnt know how much time he was going to need. I explained I understood, but he needed to understand I wasnt just going to sit around and wait either.... And that was a few weeks ago, we had that last conversation... Except the occaional Hi, here and there.. So Now I'm not sure whats going to happen, because he is not going to be our delivery driver anymore, so I'm not going to see him anymore after a few weeks. Sad.
Author amreallystuck Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 Sunrae, I am sorry to hear about your situation. It is definitely something that makes you feel pretty terrible, but hopefully you figure out some peace of mind whatever outcome arises from it. Those long term relationships are difficult to get over, but with enough time maybe he will come around.
Author amreallystuck Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 Soulm8, Thanks for letting me know. She texted me a few minutes ago, so I guess I will say it to her. I feel like its going to be difficult though because we have talked for so long, but it is for the best I guess.
Author amreallystuck Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 So I did it, but I decided to do it on the phone. I didn't want to make it seem all about her as to have her believe I was waiting for her. I pretty much said that obviously I have interest in you but I don't think it is a good idea for us to text as much as we do right now and obviously you have a situation with your ex where you need to clear your head and resolve things and talking to me probably won't help that. She said to me that I do like talking to you as a friend and I said I do as well so it sucks but I think it is for the best right now. I said I didn't want you to think that I was blowing you off by not responding to your texts. She said if this is what you want then i understand. So I feel terrible about doing it knowing that I can't talk to her like I want to. She seemed disappointed by it. I know its in my best interest in the long run though because I do like her a lot and I need to be done pursuing her.
soulm8 Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I'm so glad to hear you went through with it. Good for you! It was a tough thing to do and I'm sure you're hurting, but this was for the best. Now... if she really is as interested in you as you hope, she'll be thinking a lot! Make sure you don't come across as "waiting" when you see her around...
Author amreallystuck Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 Thanks for all of your help. I just don't want to be the one left standing without a chair to sit in when it is all said and done. She really is a great person though, so I want her to find whatever is going to make her happy. I hope she is interested, but if not I will have to deal with it. Just hoping I didn't mess anything up any chance I had by doing this, but obviously things weren't going in my favor the old way.
soulm8 Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Just hoping I didn't mess anything up any chance I had by doing this, but obviously things weren't going in my favor the old way. Not a chance! You just showed her that she may lose you if she doesn't say goodbye to him once and for all. You're right, the old way was giving her all of your power. Never a good idea with women!
Author amreallystuck Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 I have one more question. If she decides there is has no interest in me (which I have no idea when she will figure that out), how do I go about contacting her again if I want to be friends? Should I wait a few weeks and then do it?
soulm8 Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 (edited) You need to go back to being a friendly acquaintance and wait for her to contact you when she's single and ready to see you. Right now, she needs to MISS talking and hanging out with you... so get busy doing stuff so it doesn't look like you're waiting. If she texts/emails/calls you... don't respond right away either. The point of backing off is to see if she misses you and fears losing you! Being her friend is not the goal. Edited February 10, 2010 by soulm8
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 All this being friends crap make me sick, either she's in or she's not. As long as she's thnking about her ex you will never be number 1. Why be friends? just move on. This guy from what you wrote never cared about her or defended her from his family. and yet she still thinks about him, That's F-ed up. I couldnt ever pine after an ex if they didnt have my back. I'd be so done. but let me guess she's a female and her emotions take priority than her common sense right? You'll find someone else without alot of baggage. Sucks but hey it is what it is.
Author amreallystuck Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 Soulm8, I know you are right, but unfortunately this girl is around more than expected, we even sit next to each other in a few classes. I am trying hard to avoid as much as I can without being a complete ass to her. Yesterday was the first time I saw her and it just seemed very awkward to me in comparison with prior convos. I imagine that is expected from what I said to her. At times she acted very uninterested in some things I was saying and I imagine is probably mad at me for closing her off in a way. Yet at times she acted the same way as before. Did this happen to you with your friend? Just thinking I may have made the wrong call on this one, hopefully you will continue to remind me otherwise.
Author amreallystuck Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 Chrome, I agree with you on every one of those points; however, I just can't seem to let it go because I feel there is a door still open down the line. I am probably clouded in my views and if I was on the outside looking in I would say the same thing as you, but unfortunately I almost feel like I have to play it out without her knowing I am playing it out...but who knows my tune may change with less contact with her. It is annoying because I used to know everything that was going on in her life and now I shut myself off from it, which is somewhere else I think I am getting hung up on.
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