freckles3131 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 "You better not hug me, we don't want her to get upset!" This was said by a girl who my bf. was hugging goodbye. In front of our friends and within earshot of me. I will tell you that she has told me to my face that she thinks her boyfriend is a loser, not as good looking as she'd like and has put him down ofter in front of me/us. I will also tell you she has told me straight to my face that my boyfriend "looks hot in that shirt" "looks great when he wears his hat backwards" "I think it's awesome when he..." and this was all said straight to my face only having met me ONCE! He and her are friends because of her boyfriend and because she works with his other buds. Ok....so whatdaya think is meant by her statement?
angie2443 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 If you're into the drama and want to compete for your boyfriend's attention, then stick to the relationship. If you're not into the drama and want to be secure in your relationships, then loose the boyfriend:).
BlueeyedJonesy Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Shes full of herself and wants to get under your skin. I used to have a friend like this until I started eliminating "Toxic realtionships" from my life....she is trying to find your buttons. Don't give them to her...and certainly don't give her the thrill of upsetting you. kill her with kindness..
Author freckles3131 Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 P.S. His response was "she isn't going to get upset" Like.....she isn't the jealous type. I think she is trying to move in and has 'nothing on me" so she is trying to work the she is a jealous g.f. angle.
Author freckles3131 Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 Yeah, that's what I thought......"full of herself" Unfortunately.....I didn't handle it very well. I got a bit pissy cuz i felt she was frickin rude talking smack like that around our friends.
Author freckles3131 Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 It's so hard to not let people like that get to you, ya know. Any tips?
carhill Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 "You better not hug me, we don't want her to get upset!" Typical female manipulation He might want to re-think the time he spends around her.
angie2443 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Oops! I misread the first part of the OP. Ignore my first post. Still, she sounds like she doesn't respect you. I would not be friends with someone who didn't respect my husband. If he considers her a friend, I'd be a bit annoyed.
giotto Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Any tips? Ignore her... you would be only feeding her ego and you don't want to do that...
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 "You better not hug me, we don't want her to get upset!" She likes him and thinks that him hugging her will make you jealous and get upset. Seems she's playing a game here.. Is your bf aware of this? Some girls can be quite bitchy and have NO issues in making problems between a bf and gf, then sit back and enjoy watching some drama unfold. DO NOT let this bug you. Don't react in a negative way, infact, laugh about it infront of her. Then later talk to your bf and ask him why he likes her, considers her a 'friend.'
Author freckles3131 Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 (edited) Okay, I can ignore her. I know I can handle that. How do I internally deal with the amount of time he and she will be around one another. She is a mechanic. She just got a job with one of my boyfriend's best friends. She is working her way into our social circle. My b.f. goes to pick up his friend 2 times/week because his friend lost his licence. So they tend to go out for food/beer on those night and she sometimes "tags along" cuz she works with his bud. Also.....her boyfriend is ALSO great friends w/my boyfriend and they tinker around in HIS garage and will go out afterwards sometimes and of course...she is there for that too. Alot of these outings are on nights I have my son. (shared custody) so as a mom I don't like to "go out" on my nights with my son, as it isn't fair to him...as our time is our time. Also...I feel like my bf should have his "man time" BUT..........if she is around ALL the time maybe I should squeeze my way in too? Also.....now she is weazling her way into Friday night guy night at the garage. (she is driving my bf's friend/her co-worker home and he asks her to come to the garage for beers) This is one of the nights I don't have my son and could go....but, I usually don't because it's guy "shop" talk. Which, of course she fits right into because she works on cars..... ugh. I will also say: 1) I do not think my b.f would cheat. 2) there is a 10 year age difference between he and I (me: 42 him:32) but he has always dated older women...SHE is 23 3) He says he would never date someone like her because she "has nothing to offer, except that she is skinny" SHe is "fake, not intelligent, etc..." 4) I am most bothered by their "friendship" (she will text him on occasion and act like they are BFF's cuz she "runs into him" all the time) and it makes me feel "excluded": and like she has a 'special" relationship with him and flaunts it. I think the best thing for me to do...is ignore it. Act sweet and that's that. But, How do I wrap my MIND around the situation and not let it get to me?? Edited February 9, 2010 by freckles3131
carhill Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 IMO, watch *his* behavior and decide if that dynamic is compatible with your perspective of a healthy relationship. She's irrelevant.
angie2443 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 4) I am most bothered by their "friendship" (she will text him on occasion and act like they are BFF's cuz she "runs into him" all the time) and it makes me feel "excluded": and like she has a 'special" relationship with him and flaunts it. I think the best thing for me to do...is ignore it. Act sweet and that's that. But, How do I wrap my MIND around the situation and not let it get to me?? I would not ignore this situation. The bolded part sounds like a red flag to me. I would take Carhill's advice and watch your boyfriend's behavior. What are his actions, or lack of actions, telling you about the situation?
Author freckles3131 Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 Watch his behavior when he is around her....or in general??
carhill Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 In general. To me, it's about prioritization. Do you feel prioritized when he behaves like this? Other instances? Set a healthy boundary for yourself and communicate it to him and then accept what follows. It will be your answer.
angie2443 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Watch his behavior when he is around her....or in general?? I would say both. What does your gut say about the situation? Does something feel "off" in your relationship with your boyfriend? Does he seem distant sometimes? If you told him your concerns, did he seem bothered by this? Does he defend her?
carhill Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 To quantify my prior suggestion, 'general' means all aspects of behavior, including with the lady in question. IMO, limiting such watching to her alone would limit the understanding of the scope of his behaviors, which may or may not be compatible. If the focus remains too much on her, IMO this gives her too much power and recognition and detracts from the larger issue of his perspective about relationships and his priority of his girlfriend. I'll try a sample communication..... 'when you and xxx embrace in front of me and I hear comments like xxxx, I often feel like I'm not a priority'. Then, listen to his perspective without interruption and accept it and his *current* behavior as his truth and decide if it matches up with your boundaries and compatibility. IMO, the key is acceptance. Acceptance does not mean taking a fist in the gut (figuratively); it means accepting that the other person is who they are and acts how they do and deciding whether such is compatible for one in a LTR.
Author freckles3131 Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 Well, when I showed up at the gargage Friday night, his attention was immedietly on me. He wanted to go home shortly and spend time alone. She was staring/watching our every move from afar. (or so it seemed) She did not say hello to me. When it was time to go he put an arm on her shoulder (like a side to side hug) to say goodbye, at which point she said what she said, His response was "she isn't going to get mad". We talked about it and he said he hugged her goodbye (he usually doesn't "hug" people goodbye).....he said he did to "show her that you are a cool chick and "not the jealous type") I said why would you need to "show her" and he said she picked up on a "vibe" from the truck banquet and asked him if I was the "jealous type" and he said "sometimes" but again, he did this to allegedly "show her" that I was "cool" with things... I have told him my "concerns" and he reminded me that she will be "around" and through no fault of his own. And can I "handle that"? I said yes, but I would like him to just be more "aware" of her presence and to keep things on a good repsect level as far as I'm concerned.
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Then it's up to him to put up boundries and not cross them with her. You have to have faith and trust in HIM, that he won't allow something to happen. If she chooses to hang off of him, flirt with him, that's something you don't have control over..Though HE can control how he reacts to HER. Hopefully he has enough love and respect for you and your relationship not to allow her to make waves and make you feel insecure. BE NICE to her. Smile and don't ever let her know that it bugs you, her behaviour around him. Let her react however she's going to react.
carhill Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 We talked about it and he said he hugged her goodbye (he usually doesn't "hug" people goodbye).....he said he did to "show her that you are a cool chick and "not the jealous type") I said why would you need to "show her" and he said she picked up on a "vibe" from the truck banquet and asked him if I was the "jealous type" and he said "sometimes" OK, great information. I see two areas of importance here. What do you think they are? They have to do with boundaries. 'doesn't usually' 'asked and he said'
Author freckles3131 Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 (edited) RE:OK, great information. I see two areas of importance here. What do you think they are? They have to do with boundaries. 'doesn't usually' 'asked and he said' Um......red flags? "doesn't usually hug goodbye, but did with her.....boundary crossed They were ignoring each other all night....(too much distance..?) "asked and he said" He "told her" something personal about me....and crossed a boundary? Edited February 9, 2010 by freckles3131
angie2443 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 RE:OK, great information. I see two areas of importance here. What do you think they are? They have to do with boundaries. 'doesn't usually' 'asked and he said' Um......red flags? "doesn't usually hug goodbye, but did with her.....boundary crossed They were ignoring each other all night....(too much distance..?) "asked and he said" He "told her" something personal about me....and crossed a boundary?[/QUOTE] To me, these are red flags, especially the last one. The more I read this thread, the more I think my first post was right. OP, I hope you keep your own bounderies up in this situation. Don't let him call you a "jealous type" unless you truely are. Don't trust his words over your instincs. Make sure he respects you in the end.
carhill Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Your BF engaged in an unexpected (he doesn't usually do this) and generally considered to be loving behavior. You 'love' friends and express it by hugging. He doesn't, but did. Your BF shared details of your relationship with another woman. 'I was surprised when you hugged her, since you don't normally do that with friends, and her statement about not wanting me to get jealous was an additional surprise. I'd like to avoid more surprises. How can we do that?'
Stung Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 "You better not hug me, we don't want her to get upset!" This was said by a girl who my bf. was hugging goodbye. In front of our friends and within earshot of me. I will tell you that she has told me to my face that she thinks her boyfriend is a loser, not as good looking as she'd like and has put him down ofter in front of me/us. I will also tell you she has told me straight to my face that my boyfriend "looks hot in that shirt" "looks great when he wears his hat backwards" "I think it's awesome when he..." and this was all said straight to my face only having met me ONCE! He and her are friends because of her boyfriend and because she works with his other buds. Ok....so whatdaya think is meant by her statement? It's possible she's the relatively benign but clueless type who is always sticking her foot in her mouth because she prattles along without thinking. BUT considering the context and how she speaks of her bf vs. yours, I'd say it's much more likely that she's trying to undermine you. She doesn't like you, she's considering taking your boyfriend out for a spin, so she's playing whatever angles she can to cast you in a negative light compared to her. This week you're jealous and grasping, if you react to this by sticking closer to him she'll start the subtle digs that you're clingy and smothering, it'll probably always be something at least until she sets her sights elsewhere. Assuming you have good communication with your bf and he respects your insight and opinion, I'd defuse the situation by talking to him about it calmly, clearly, outlining for him the subtleties. Guys can't always see these kinds of mechanations and sometimes actually get taken in by them unless they get a little window into Girlspeak which tends to have a lot more contextual shadings than Guyspeak does. My husband has an ex like this whom we have to deal with regularly, and she is always trying to yank his strings and undermine me; he can see it as clearly as I can now and we just roll our eyes together at how grasping and manipulative she is behind her jovial exterior and then we go on our merry little way.
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