LDR difficulties - communication and overall direction

[sfthkuyn]

Well I am going through some difficult times right now with a LDR.

Here is the background:

 

I am 30 and she is 29. We met in the summer of 2009 and went out until January 2010. So the total time of our relationship has been about 5-6 months. The relationship was great when we lived close together but because of my visa expiring I had to come back to the UK in December. I plan on going back the the States in December of this year to start working again. She is from the US and still lives there. She came over and spent New Year here with me in the UK.

 

We both have very strong feelings for each other but the way we perceived the long-distance relationship was initially very different. In the beginning she said she didn't want a boyfriend who lived in another country - however our relationship accelerated and she made plans to come over and visit at Xmas and she did. But during this time she still held on to the thought that our relationship was going to end the day after she got back from visiting me. To me this was very strange - lets have a fully functioning relationship - I will come over and visit you to get to know you and your family better - and then when I get back things will be finished. Well, after she got back we talked all the time and she even talked about coming back over at her next break from work - told me to look for flights for her.

 

Things were getting hard for both of us - we were both having a really hard time not seeing each other and were missing each other lots. She threw out this idea of coming over to visit me and I got really excited. Then the next week she siad she wasn't sure because of money and work etc and other things. I think during this time she was quite down and she sought the council of some of her close friends.

 

She did a lot of thinking and she has came to the conclusion that she is overly dependent on men to make her happy and she feels that she can't sustain a successful relationship because she is not inherently happy with how she is. She says she needs time to work on herself without a man in her life. She says she needs to realize she can be happy by herself and then at that point start to look for a relationship.

 

I do understand where she is coming from in this sense and what she is saying does make sense to me but the problem I have is with the vague nature of the situation.

 

So she said she needed a break and we would touch base again in two weeks. We did this but it was just a chit-chat really with no meaninful relationship information exchanged.

 

The issue I need resolved is the lack of communication. I feel like I am drawing blood from a stone trying to get her to talk about things. I just want to know what thoughts are going through her head.

Is she finished with me? Will this break help us? Should I be waiting for her? Should I just live my own life and wait and see what happens? What does she want?

I am unsure if she doesn't know what she wants or she knows and just doesn't want to tell me.

She tells me she misses me and I know she really likes having me in her life but at times I feel like I should just remove myself from this situation to prevent further hurt to myself. Then at other times I feel like I should just be patient so she can figure out what she wants.

I just want to have a better understading of the situation and the potential outcomes. Any time I ask her about these things she kind of clams up. I sent her an e-mail last night asking her to help me understand what she is thinking about and going through.

I really love this girl - I do understand where she is coming from but she has such a caring and thoughtful personality that it is impossible for me just to turn off my feelings for her.

So what do I do? Do i wait and try and keep pretending this doesn't bother me? Do I seek more open communication? Do I just move on and see how this situation plays out?

It just baffles me how we can go from talking all the time, spending so much time together, her visiting me and spending time with my family, talking about another visit to taking a break and giving her time to re-evaluate things in such a short space of time.

To give you a background on myself I have had only two meaningful relationships in my life (this one and another one of about 3 years). I had been used to being single and had a few girlfiends here or there but nothing significant. This girl just really moved me and I developed strong feelings for her.

I have an internal battle between immediacy in solving this situation and giving her the space she needs. It is just hard for me to know where I stand as I feel I am caught in this kind of no-man's land. Am I being selfish for wanting more clarity in the information? Do I just need to be patient while not really having a good idea what the potential outcomes are for me/her/us?

If anyone has been in such a situation before or anyone has any advice I would appreciate it.

Thanks

[sfthkuyn]

Well, I started this thread last week and I just wanted to post an update.

We spoke and e-mailed back and forth and now I feel pretty at peace with things - she told me honestly how she felt and what she has been going through. After talking to her things are much clearer to me. I don't think it was fair of me to say that she is unhappy with how she is but I think she is just working towards being a bit more independent before she wants to be in a relationship and make that type of committment.

We do both have feelings for each other of course and care about each other a lot. I think the key though is we both understand the other person's point of view and we listened to what the other person was saying. I think we are confortable now staying in touch with each other and seeing what happens in the future without major committments or promises. She is someone I want in my life in some way and I think she feels the same so we are just going to see what happens.

Of course I love her, she is a really great girl, but I am glad that we had this open, honest communication and I can now understand her feelings. This has made things easier for me.