Online Relationship, Is she trully the OW in this type

[SoConfused MM]

I have been in an online relationship for about 2 years now. We have never met physically. There is a great distance between us an we are both married to others. We had both been caught by our spouses more then once, we "break up" or disconnect for a while but we seem to drift back together. She is in bad marriage and probably facing divorce, although I am partly the reason there were other issues with her marriage prior to us meeting. I thought my marriage would head that way after being busted but my wife has chosen to forgive me, We have been married over 20 years. I know the "OW" as she descibed herself will be seeing this post because she was the one that told me of this site. I dont want her feeling like the OW, that was not my intention and I feel real bad about it. My question is, are there any others that had such a relationship, How did it pan out. "Amanda" hope this does not upset you that I posted this. There are many other facts that are not being revealled right now, I am new her and want to see how it progresses here.

[OWoman]

I have been in an online relationship for about 2 years now. We have never met physically. There is a great distance between us an we are both married to others. We had both been caught by our spouses more then once, we "break up" or disconnect for a while but we seem to drift back together. She is in bad marriage and probably facing divorce, although I am partly the reason there were other issues with her marriage prior to us meeting. I thought my marriage would head that way after being busted but my wife has chosen to forgive me, We have been married over 20 years. I know the "OW" as she descibed herself will be seeing this post because she was the one that told me of this site. I dont want her feeling like the OW, that was not my intention and I feel real bad about it. My question is, are there any others that had such a relationship, How did it pan out. "Amanda" hope this does not upset you that I posted this. There are many other facts that are not being revealled right now, I am new her and want to see how it progresses here.

 

 

You'll need to define what you mean by "such a relationship" - an A? An online A? A virtual R? An A that got busted but survived DDay? A MOW that got together with a MOM? There are so many different factors in your situation as you describe it, it's difficult to know exactly what you're referring to when you ask for similar stories.

 

(Oh, and welcome, BTW)

[SoConfused MM]

I would say it was an online affair, with expressions of love, honestly Im afraid to reveal so much right now, cause she will be blindsided with this post when she checks it and I am waiting to hear her thoughts on this.

[RedDevil66]

Are you in love with her?

Do you want to meet her?

Do you want to leave your wife for her?

 

Why not just meet in person? Or leave your wife if this fanatsy land gives you more than your marriage?

 

I'm confused

[freestyle]

Here's a link to the acronym list.(the key to the city...)

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/faq.php?s=&do=search&q=acronyms&match=all&titlesonly=0

 

 

there will be a quiz in five minutes..........

[stuckinoz]

My question is, are there any others that had such a relationship, How did it pan out

 

I had an "online relationship" with a gentleman. We live 2 hours apart. Our "relationship" went from chatting online everyday, to talking on the phone about once a week as well as online chat.

After 3 years time, we did meet for lunch one afternoon. It was nice.

 

While, the initial 'chat' conversation at times did turn to sexual things - the meeting did not. In other words, the meeting was not to have sex or to have conversation about beginning an affair. It was just to meet. 2 friends. Face to face.

 

It's 2 years later now (we've known each other almost 5 years) & we have drifted apart somewhat. We still email (no chat online anymore) from time to time to keep up with each other. Maybe talk on the phone for 30 min once a month. I still consider him a very dear friend.

 

My husband knows about this friendship & knows we met for lunch. His wife does not know.

[SoConfused MM]

The difference is we are thousands of mile apart, If we were close we probably would have met. Had all the chatting and phone calls, we talked of meeting, I trust that a meeting would end with sex unless of coarse we met in a location that would prohibit it. I still wonder what a meeting would be like and what would happen, but also very scared about it. Its nice you still have some connection and a husband that is aware and accepts it. I know my W wouldnt, no way!

[whichwayisup]

Your wife has chosen to forgive you - so, why keep pursuing "Amanda"?

 

Are you two in no contact mode and that's another reason why you're here, the same place where you know 'she' might find you? So contact can start up again?

 

Keep in mind, all those feelings you have are based in a certain setting and it's not reality. Connections happen, on and offline, but the main thing is, you are married, she is married.

 

Are you willing to throw away your marriage, your life as you know it, turn your life upside for someone you 'only' know online? (even phone calls aren't reality as face to face everything can go either way)

 

If you get busted again, what then? What if your wife kicks you out, Amanda chooses to stay with her H, are you OK being alone? or continuing to be an OM?

[stuckinoz]

I know my W wouldnt, no way!

 

What would you think if your wife were doing this? Having the same converstions you're having with another man. Telling him the same intimate details you're telling this other woman. Contemplating meeting another man (for whatever reason)

Would that be OK with you?

 

I still chat online from time to time with other people / men. I am amazed at the number of them - when posed with this same question say "Never My Wife, she wouldn't do this". I also ask those that are "hell bent" on having an affair. Are you sure your wife isn't doing this too? More times than not the answer is the same. NOT MY WIFE. It amazes me that there are so many naive men out there that think that their wives are ...... well I'm not even sure what it is they think that their wives are. That they are immune - untouchable - When it comes to the very same things that they themselves are doing.

 

And to this other woman that may or may not be reading here..........What would you think if your husband were doing the same thing?

Edited February 9, 2010 by stuckinoz

[Hazyhead]

This will pan out how you choose for it to pan out. Your wife has forgiven what you've done so far so now you're at a cross-roads. Do you use that forgiveness to work on your marriage honestly? Or, do you continue to pursue your online relationship in the hope of what exactly? That it will transfer into real life? Because if that's the path you choose and you remain married then that's when your problems really start. The affair I was involved with started online and it grew, excitingly for some time. But, the reality is, in affairs people get hurt. Lives were torn apart by the affair that I had. Online or not. Cheating is cheating. Think carefully about what you want to happen.

[Meaplus3]

I have been in an online relationship for about 2 years now. We have never met physically. There is a great distance between us an we are both married to others. We had both been caught by our spouses more then once, we "break up" or disconnect for a while but we seem to drift back together.

 

You have been caught yet you still continue to chat? Why? Your both married.. and in order to make your marriage work you need to end all contact with this OW.

 

She is in bad marriage and probably facing divorce

 

Then SHE needs to figure out her marriage first and foremost.

 

I dont want her feeling like the OW, that was not my intention and I feel real bad about it. My question is, are there any others that had such a relationship, How did it pan out. "Amanda" hope this does not upset you that I posted this. There are many other facts that are not being revealled right now, I am new her and want to see how it progresses here.

 

I can understand you now feel bad about it, but the simple facts remains she is the OW.. as you are a married man. And until you or her are free and clear of your marriages (which I am not condoning here) you have no business beign involved with one another. I was involved in an ea at one time in my life.. with a MM who lived next store.. I was married. It was almost a complete train wreck. So, do you want a train wreck? Cause if not, you will end all contact eith this OW and make amends in one way or another with your spouse. I wish you the best.

 

Mea:)

[SoConfused MM]

 

Are you two in no contact mode and that's another reason why you're here, the same place where you know 'she' might find you? So contact can start up again?

 

We have been in contact before I posted here, I had even emailed her to let her know. So the contact is there. I try to break contact but I have such a hard time doing it, Tried and failed a few times, even after getting caught. I miss her so bad when we are not in contact. Just a note, there has been nothing sexual in our contact for along time now. I just have a need to know how her life is going at that she is OK.

 

As some of the other posters have said. I have thought about being caught and the consequences, at times I want to get caught and at other times I fear it. It is mostly because of the family situation, I havent mentioned yet my 3 children.

Edited February 9, 2010 by SoConfused MM

[Hazyhead]

We have been in contact before I posted here, I had even emailed her to let her know. So the contact is there. I try to break contact but I have such a hard time doing it, Tried and failed afew times, even after getting caught. I miss her so bad when we are not in contact. Juat a note, thre has been nothing sexual in our contact for along time now. I just have a need to know how her life is going at that she is OK.

 

As some of the other posters have said. I have thought about being caught and the consequences, at times I want to get caught and at other times I fear it. It is mostly because of the family situation, I havent mentioned yet my 3 children.

 

You've omitted details, which happens in online relationships, but that's another reason why you should not persue this into real life. She may also have details of her life that she has not told you about. Important details like yours. And these are usually held back for a reason - they allow the fantasy that you have between you to be better. But these are the details that will make life far more complicated and more prone to hurt if you do persue this.

[SoConfused MM]

I meant to share that here, my children. I can honestly say that she, OW, knows all details of my life and definately more than anyone else I know. I am also confident in her honesty with me and her life details. I would like to add I think the honesty, that we shared so early is what drove us together in the way that it did. It also makes it harder for us to part. If I had any indication she was hiding something, I mean something important, That would change the dynamics of the situation.

Edited February 9, 2010 by SoConfused MM

[whichwayisup]

So are you willing to LOSE your family unit as one, living under one roof together with your wife and 3 kids?

 

You may not be having sexual talks anymore, but the feelings are still there and doing more damage to you, your marriage as well as to Amanda and her marriage.

 

You both are addicted to how you make eachother feel. That rush of excitement, the drama, the secretacy..

 

I hope you're strong enough to say goodbye to her and focus on your wife, reconnect with the woman you've been married to for 20 years! Right now you're TOO attached to Amanda and closed yourself off to your wife and what you feel for her on an intimate level.

 

Put that energy into your wife. Not your online fantasy. If you can't or won't stop, this IS going to ruin you and all that you've worked for over the past 20 years. Plus, you'll be facing the fallout, loss of inlaws, family members, possibly friends.. All for what? A woman whom you've never 'met in real life' yet fall inlove with?

 

I also suggest you get some counselling, with your wife and apart. Make sure it's the same person.. That is, are you willing to end your Online EA and reconnect with your wife again?

[Hazyhead]

I meant to share that here, my children. I can honestly say that she, OW, knows all details of my life and definately more than anyone else I know. I am also confident in her honesty with me and her life details. I would like to add I think the honesty, that we shared so early is what drove us together in the way that it did. It also makes it harder for us to part. If I had any indication she was hiding something, I mean something important, That would change the dynamics of the situation.

 

My apologies Confused. I understand you now. You feel like you have an amazing connection, right? You have to assess if going after her is worth it. It may be, but you should also be fair to your wife.

 

I wish you the best in whatever you decide.

[Stung]

You mention that you have been married for twenty years now, so in my mind I'm pegging you in your mid-forties, fifties? Am I close? Not to oversimplify, but do keep in mind you're in prime cliched midlife-crisis years. As well, you have been married during the whole of the existence of the internet itself, leading me to suppose that this is your first online romance.

 

If it is your first online romance you are just now learning what others have experienced and been burned by in the realm of online dating; namely, the fantastic connection of an online partner can be one heady rush. Everything feels so compelling, it feels like pure disclosure, pure connection, they're so witty and not like the people around you, it can suck you in like gravity. And I am the first to admit that sometimes it can work; oddly enough, I actually met my husband online, though under much different circumstances than you are experiencing. BUT the vast majority of the time it does not. Anyone who has dabbled much in online dating and meeting people online can probably tell you about the letdown, the time you spend getting to know your internet paramour IRL and begin to feel that slow airleak through your punctured hopes and expectations. My guess is that your situation would be even MORE predisposed to that than most, because of the nature of your relationship.

 

Most of the time, internet relationships are about fantasy, even more so when both parties are seeking something outside of their marriage, escapism, excitement, the 'forbidden', the 'new'. Even if an internet lover is 95% honest at representing themselves as far as they know, they are of course going to be casting themselves in the best light possible and refining their stories a little bit here and there. Everything you learn about them is fed to you rather than gleaned for yourself, and steeped in their own point of view. This is not even to mention the physical. Even if you have seen them on webcam, heard them over a microphone or the telephone, you have not smelled their pheromones, their breath, their body odor. You haven't stood next to them and bathed in their chemistry. You haven't noticed yet that they were always sitting down to conceal that bit, or using poor lighting to conceal those bits. Sometimes none of it matters, it's a meeting of the minds. Sometimes it's a perfect fit, the chemistry alights. But more often than not: fizzle, and a wisp of smoke. And in your case, what about when the thrill of secrecy and the forbidden is gone, all the shiny newness has rubbed off and your fantasy bursts and you are left with yet another woman who complains when you leave your dirty drawers all over the floor and who is stressed and frazzled by work and shared custody with an angry ex?

 

You have been with your wife for twenty years, and she apparently loves you enough to try to forgive what many women would not, but you continue to stick a knife in her back...she just hasn't felt the new wounds yet. She bore you three children, and perhaps I have missed it but I have not seen you say anywhere that she is a bad wife or a bad mother. My guess going on what little information you have provided is that you feel the fire has banked too low and have gotten distracted by the newness of and heady connection with fantasy woman. It's possible that with work and the right marriage counselor the dwindling spark in your marriage could be fanned back into flames, believe it or not. Do you not respect your wife enough to give it a real try? Are you too weak a man to set aside fantasy?

 

In any case, although she is a fantasy to you, your OW is a real person and going through a bad time; her divorce IS at least partly on you, don't lose sight of that. And your wife, also very much a real person, is in hell, feeling her husband and her life of 20 years slipping away from her, feeling your callowness and disrespect, wondering what happened to the man she thought she knew. It's time for you to make some hard decisions and stick to them rather than continue like you have been, muddling weakly along in the middle dragging everybody down with you.

 

You can do it.

Edited February 10, 2010 by Stung

[SoConfused MM]

WOW! Stung, thats a pretty in depth analysis, I appreciate all the respones from all the users. Most is what I had already thought. Im not here looking for someone to condone my behavior and Im not surprised that no one has. Part of my problem is that I have no one that I could talk to about all this where I am. Being able to express my feelings has always been hard. My marriage would be considered by anyone that knows as as being good and I have to say that if my friends and family were aware of my behavior they would be shocked as hell.

 

I will not try to make exuses, but just some facts, and see what the responses may be. Not only is our marriage over 20 years, we have been together close to 30, I never had a sexual experience with someone other than my wife. When I was online and perving as I like to call it, It was by chance that I connected with the OW (she hates this term by the way, lol Sorry Hun!). I was not looking for a relationship or to fall in love, but it just seemed to happen. It could probably be called infatuation at the start but it turned into something else. I know I will not find the answer here and only I could make the choice but just feels so nice being able to discuss this. Thanks Again for those that responded and advised. STILL SO CONFUSED!

[whichwayisup]

What are your plans? To hopefully stay married and have this OW on the side, keep the A going online? Or to throw away a 20 year marriage, a 30 year history with your wife to go be with the OW and start over? If that is the case, then you're certainly giving up ALOT for someone you don't know face to face.

Plus, what about your family and friends? Kids? Inlaws? Extended family, the life you've built....

 

Seems like you're bored, is that why you started going online? Looking for something new?

 

In my opinion it's a good thing that your wife is and has been the only one. That's rare and special.

 

Maybe you're having a mid life crisis?

[oxfordsocks]

I met my mm online--we met online-talked etcc and i booked trip to meet him about a month later. It took from meeting on line to our first face to face meeting 3 months

There are so many things that could haave made our meeting each other backfire--when you meet someone in person it can be so different--I have seen a few people before him that i talked to online that were not at all what i expected.

My girlfriend talked to a few people online and met and she too will attest to the online pull. I would have met way before two years has passed.

My mm and i live almost 4000 miles apart and have met 4 times now in person--and trying now to co-ordinate another meeting now sometimes between now and may

There was no way i could have waited to meet him. there were some people that i met that were nothing like i thought online in person. they were local peoople and just for a coffee.

i was glad most time it was only that

but mm and i connected at all levels.

I think you need to have a real meeting before anything else further--and it can be done --no excuses for not meeting. you probably spend more time online sometimes than it would take you to go and meet and get back!!! Good luck

[whichwayisup]

I think you need to have a real meeting before anything else further--and it can be done --no excuses for not meeting. you probably spend more time online sometimes than it would take you to go and meet and get back!!! Good luck

 

All on the expense of this guy's wife. So basically your advice is, telling him to 'try out it out, see how it goes' with this woman online, if they connect, great, if not, well he can go back to his wife and marriage. HE'S MARRIED and if he wants to mess around with her, then he needs to 1)either divorce his wife, or 2) tell her he's going to hook up with someone else, maybe discuss an open marriage, so his wife can go elsewhere as well.

 

Sorry, but telling someone to go ahead and try something on the side while married isn't good advice. All that's going to do is hurt his wife, mess up this OW, and also mess himself up too.

[jennie-jennie]

All on the expense of this guy's wife. So basically your advice is, telling him to 'try out it out, see how it goes' with this woman online, if they connect, great, if not, well he can go back to his wife and marriage. HE'S MARRIED and if he wants to mess around with her, then he needs to 1)either divorce his wife, or 2) tell her he's going to hook up with someone else, maybe discuss an open marriage, so his wife can go elsewhere as well.

 

Sorry, but telling someone to go ahead and try something on the side while married isn't good advice. All that's going to do is hurt his wife, mess up this OW, and also mess himself up too.

 

He is already hurting his wife though. By seeing the other woman he will get more information on whether to pursue her or let her go. Not saying that your suggestions above are not good, in fact they are, but are they realistic, when the guy has already been having this online relationship for two years behind his wife's back, if I am not mistaken.

[oxfordsocks]

i would really hope that no one on here takes my advice--i don't give it or ask to scoop it up or tell someone what to do as with all of us here we are looking for someone or a situation similiar to help, think about, further assist us with whatever we are going through.

I re-read the initial post --mm was asking if this online person what the other woman--there is a "relationship yes" not sure if there is any sexual cam activity which i would make it perhaps more suggestive of an OW-or EA however this person has become a part of his daily life.

They share-i see him thinking about his wife forgiving him for this contact but he still wonders about her.

a meeting would stop all that--they would know right away --you can't make a connection where there isn't one.

Its great that they have not connected in one way as it would make it easier to part-one the physical is there than there is another whole realm of emotions.

It makes me think that if the effort to meet has never happened than perhaps he can change and part(why hasn't there been the desire to meet?) maybe things are not as strong as they think. I initially almost thought he didn't want the other woman to feel like another woman just because of the online thing too--but whether ow friend or confidant the relationship is there and hidden from spouse.

How much longer do you continue this type of contact --where can it go without meeting--if not meeting what purpose does hanging onto this person serve? I do get concerned about him knowing that she will read this post and he feels badabout it--seems personal stuff but i see others do do it on this site. I am certainly not forceing anything i say for others to take as "advice" but hope as with others who have posted on my posts that all the information is used to really help in whatever way it can be

Its amazing how one thought or line can make us think another way or reveal to us so clearly something we have missed.

Sometimes you really do think your the only one out there and one fresh comment can make all the difference.

[jwi71]

I meant to share that here, my children. I can honestly say that she, OW, knows all details of my life and definately more than anyone else I know. I am also confident in her honesty with me and her life details.

 

You wholly and completely trust the honesty of someone over the internet that you've never met. Did I mention you just won the National Lottery of Nigeria and in order to collect you must first send 1000.00 to my account.

 

Look, you DON'T know. What you know is what she chooses to tell you. And that's it. You have no clue what is and what is not true.

 

I would like to add I think the honesty, that we shared so early is what drove us together in the way that it did. It also makes it harder for us to part.

I get it.

So do con artists.

Now, supposing she isn't a con artist...then she is doing what you are...escaping the mundane routine of her life with some internet guy.

 

Where do you expect this A to go?

 

If I had any indication she was hiding something, I mean something important, That would change the dynamics of the situation.

This sounds like "if she's not honest to me then our affair is off". You're kidding right?

 

So what "about her situation" would prompt a change in this A?

Would her being married be an issue?

Maybe her kids?

Money? Her job?

 

How about her appearance? What if she's 5'2" and 400 lbs? More chins than a Hong Kong phone book?

 

Dude, lets get real...this is an EA over the internet with a woman you THINK you know. I get the whole escape life thing...we all do.

But, like said above, you go and then what?

IS that phantom truly better than what you have now?

 

And why aren't you pouring this energy into your wife?

[OliveOyl]

I am currently in an online relationship with a MM that has gone on for almost 2 years myself. I don't harbor any fantasies--I know he will not leave his W, and I know the chance of us meeting are slim. Still, as odd as it is, it's been a very satisfying relationship so far; the relationship does feel very real and the MM is an important part of my life.

 

I have actually recently separated from my H but the separation was not really because of my online MM. It actually had much more to do with the stress of taking care of an autistic child and my H just couldn't deal with it and it created a huge wedge in our marriage. There were other reasons too (since before the MM) but having a special needs child was a huge part.

 

Anyway, just wanted to say, yes there are other people in your situation, it's a very strange thing and has its own difficulties as well as rewards due to the online nature of the relationship.

 

I think this relationship has taught me that relationships don't have to "go" anywhere to be rewarding. They can just BE.

Edited February 15, 2010 by OliveOyl