nicka Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Married for 2 years with a 4 year old girl. I have ED and did nothing about it until I discovered my wife having an EA with a guy from work. He dumped her and she told me all about it an dasked for a seperation or divorce, that was the end of May last year. After couples councelling where she said that what a divorce would mean to her is buying her own groceries and organising childcare and not more than that. We persevered, got a second councellor who told us to seperate ( no sex in 7 months and 1 attempt by me that was rebuffed). My wife wants to move on but I seem unable too. We get along fine as friends and each morning I get a kiss goodbye. In the past she has said she has no feelings for me, she wants sex, she feels "cheated by life because her husband can't get it up" and that, more recently, as a couple we are a mistake. I have another councellor for ED. But 1. I do not trust her anymore and that eats at me. 2. I want this to work. 3. She sees it as my problem not ours. 4. How do we even begin to get back to where we were - if we can ? I feel that we can go along like this until she meets someone else and then has sex with them ( she did say when I asked why the affair she replied because you weren't able to f*** me so I wanted to find someone who could.) She's said sorry for the pain but not for affair. Every day I think about leaving but I think that not is really what either of us wants.
rod_in_gtown Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Sorry to hear what you're going through. Divorce is never the answer. Have you tried any type of ED therapy like viagra or cialis? A visit to a urologist can get you the prescription and that stuff works wonders. A more personal question but you didn't address it in your original post. You say you want your relationship to work but you never said that not having sex with your wife is something that affects you. Do you WANT to have sex with her? do you find her attractive? do you get aroused by her? What does your counsellor say is the likely root of your ED? is it physical or is it emotional/psychological?
Author nicka Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 thank you. My wife doesn't want to use Cialis etc because she thinks it shouldn't be necessary. I also was depressed when we moved up here. Yes I want to have sex with her and yes she arouses me but for now it's all pyjamas and good night. There is no intimacy nor has she ever said how hard it is for her not to be with me specifically but how she went off with someone else because I couldn't f*** her so she wanted to find someone who could. The root of my ED is physcological but I don't know why. In the past my wife has been dismissive. I'm a dreamer and she's a doer - but only in work. I am the fun giver and the thinker. I think she'd rather end it than deal with it. To boot - 'this isn't how married life is supposed to be'. She also claims to be exhausted from work, childcare etc and too tired to think of anything. If I push for answers I make it worse. It's a horrible limbo to be in. She also blames me that w ehaven't got a second child.
dreamingoftigers Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Sounds like your wife has some pretty unrealistic expectations of marriage and coupledom. A mature, healthy wife does not abandon her husband emotionally and sexually the moment he develops a very personal affliction, she takes responsibility for how she feels and tries to do something to change the situation. It sounds like she may be a "desire addict." Instead of being sexual addicts (in most cases) women get their "high" from being desired. Once the ED set in, it equaled lack of desire and she felt empty and ignored, that would also explain why she doesn't want you to take the Cialis (she thinks if you need artificial help to desire her, then it isn't real and you don't really want her). This is reinforced by the fact that it is psychological. I am telling you this because I have the same problem with "desire addiction." Her problem is not wanting to be f***ed, it is being inherently desired. You need to make it clear in no uncertain terms that your issue is not a desire issue, and you care deeply about her pleasure, in fact let her know you want to pleasure her and that it does something for you. But also let her know she has REALLY REALLY wronged you and hurt you in a deep way, and that that in her problem no matter how much she wants to minimize it.
Angel1111 Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 You must know that not having sex in a marriage is going to be a huge deal, regardless of the reason. So, even though this may feel like something beyond your control, don't act surprised that it's an issue. Perhaps your wife was understanding at first, but I can see where this would become a problem eventually. Unless you get this resolved, it doesn't seem like you're going to be able to salvage your marriage. Just make sure that you're not doing this as punishment toward her in some way because her reaction to this is that she's taking it very personally for some reason, and isn't being very understanding. That tells me there are deeper issues between the two of you.
carhill Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 After couples counseling where she said that what a divorce would mean to her is buying her own groceries and organizing childcare and not more than that. Accept that. TBH, she's all over the place. Wants sex, but has an EA. Blames your ED (you) for not having a second child when there are a ton of easy medical ways to effect that. You're a 'mistake' as a couple but she kisses you goodbye every morning. IMO, this is called 'obfuscation', and was something I also experienced. I'll try to clear the fog. The EA was also a PA She doesn't find you attractive She stays in the M for the security but will leave as soon as her plan is complete or a better opportunity presents itself. I think a real good start would be for her to experience the realities of lack of marital security, since she thinks it's not an issue. Great. Encourage that. Lastly, a guy without a penis can have sex. He just can't have intercourse. He can also father children, if his reproductive organs are otherwise intact and healthy. Think about that.
rod_in_gtown Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Interesting. I had also a psychological ED problem about a year and a half ago. I found myself dating an incredibly beautiful woman but the whole anxiety of doing something wrong gave me huge performance anxiety and couldn't get an erection or at least maintain a full one. I saw a doctor and I suggested it, he suggested that my problem wasn't physical but that taking the ED (viagra) would help emotionally to help with whatever was triggering my anxiety. And it has, also having a more stable and emotionally healthy relationship has helped. Sex is unconsciously related to impregnating your partner, so physiologically speaking your body is refusing to have a second child with her. From what you're saying sounds like she's emotionally abusive at best, you said she was dismissive before and that you bring the fun into the relationship. Has this always been the case? has she always been emotionally dry? And more importantly, have you brought it up during your counseling sessions? This is a really important time to bring it up. If you haven't, make sure you explain to the therapist why the alienation of affection has affected you and how you think it may have a physical effect (your ED). Sounds like she's failing to accept any responsibility for the problems in your marriage (this is more common than you think), everything is YOUR fault, you don't **** her, you don't give her a child, but is she being introspective? is she thinking "maybe I'M doing something wrong, maybe I'm not perfect either"? For a relationship to work there needs to be acknowledgement of the problem, and the possible roots within both parties. Humility and the will to move on. It's a very long and hard road to returning to the happiness you felt that made you want to get married again, but it's worth it in my opinion. Divorce is never a solution. It's just the path of least resistance.
burning 4 revenge Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Why are you trying to hold on to your wife, are you a masochist? Let her go and move on with your life. Just don't let her lawyers screw you
Joe Normal Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 It looks like you should divorce her. You've been affected by every man's medical nightmare, no fault of your own, and instead of trying to support you, she is attacking you and shooting you down. Imagine if the tables were turned and she got breast or cervical cancer and her body got disfigured by surgery, then you told her you found her ugly and refused to sleep with her, how would she feel? She'd rightly feel you were a horrible husband. What she's doing is no different. Now if she has been patient for like a year and still no results, and she *really* wants to leave, there's still no need to make such demeaning comments. Basically you are married to a real piece of work. Even if your condition goes away and everything is fine in the sex department, would you really want to spend the rest of your life with a woman like this?
Author nicka Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 Thank you every one, I want to solve it because 1. I love her 2. We have a 4 year old girl. i realise though that if my wife won't admit that some of this ( i believe it's called 'situational ED) then no progress can be made. I think that she would rather do nothing and like you say wait around because it's not bad at home, we are friendly etc ( like flatmates) until somethinng better comes along. But what does that say about me ? I've never had this problem before with any woman. The desire post is a good one and seesm to be the core. If she doesn't feel desired by me, for whatever reason there is no hope. Now it's 9 months no sex or even any intimacy except that morning kiss or a fully clothed hug in bed. Even if we wanted sex, whose to say it would work ?
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