What did you learn about yourself from your last failed relationship?

[Thornton]

My last failed relationship taught me that I know my dealbreakers and I shouldn't let anyone talk me out of them, because they're MY dealbreakers for a reason. I don't date divorced men with kids, but I was talked into it, and the situation annoyed me constantly for over a year until I eventually ended the relationship because of it.

 

I wasted my time and his, and the stupid thing is that I knew from the beginning that these things were dealbreakers for me and I still allowed myself to be talked around. From now on I'm going to stick firmly to my own dealbreakers and I won't be persuaded to change my mind.

[charasbb]

Grayclouds: 'If you really want to learn something from this last failed relationship, and it is true for most of us, look to why you were attracted to someone like that, why you felt you had to try so hard to make it work, what issues in yourself laid the ground work for this behavior and find new way to address those issues. Learn those things are a great deal of work but is what will keep us from repeating destructive patterns.'

 

This is brilliant. Thank you.

 

I think I hold on too long to what used to be there (like total and utter happiness), either trying to bring it back, or kidding myself that it's still there. I also definitely have a thing for saving people. I want to be there for someone, and I want to be everything they want in every way, whenever they need me, because I love the validation that comes with their appreciation. But after a while this stops coming, probably because what I do has just become the norm, and I am left feeling unhappy and unappreciated. And there is only so much you can be completely giving and forgiving, before someone starts to walk all over you, maybe even without noticing themselves.

 

 

I have to second the brilliance of graycloud's message, and will keep this in mind as I get over my very fresh break up.

 

What I have learned is to listen to my intuition, have faith and confidence in it.

 

Know your insecurities, take them in account when looking at your relationship and how you act, but don't let someone use them as an excuse to rationalize something they've done wrong.

 

If someone isn't putting the same amount of effort, it's not going to change.

 

People aren't perfect, but you can't use that as an excuse all the time or they will never fix themselves.

 

You can't fix people.

 

I'm sure I will come up with more..

[Simon Attwood]

You can't fix people...

 

Do they need fixing?

 

Is it because they are broken?

 

Evolution isn't perfect, and we have not evolved perfectly, but a lot of that is down to some rather radical changes that recent directions in the modern world have brought about. Mechanisms that were more than adequate at dealing with danger when we roamed the plains as nomadic tribes, are now vastly inadequate at dealing with the dangers, real or imagined, of our modern world. As Daniel Goleman put it;

 

"The Total bath of brain chemicals in the stress response elegantly (and unconsciously and automatically) prepares a person to deal with danger. In early evolution, this meant either fight or flight. After the danger passed, the body could relax. But with the advent of civilisation, neither fight nor flight are called for with any regularity, if at all. More often than not, we are left to stew in this bath of chemicals. As pain enters the psychological domain, it's source becomes more abstract and diffuse. A lion's bite is specific; it can be dealt with decisively. If one gets the opportunity: flee, or if trapped, the body floods with endorphins 100s of times more powerful than morphine, which in effects numbs awareness to the point of detachment. But mental pain is more elusive. Financial woes, an uncommunicative spouse, existential angst - none of these stressors necessarily yields to a single simple solution. Neither fight nor flight is satisfactory; the fight could make matters a lot worse, the flight even more so. Therefore the simple fight or flight mechanism is vastly inadequate in dealing with the complexities of modern fears.

 

So in essence, we are not broken and nor do we need fixing, rather, we need a major software update.

 

There is one person you can "fix" and that is yourself and that is the only person you have the right to fix. And we do that by choosing to update our own software. In other words; re-educating ourselves in to becoming aware of, understanding and monitoring our current programming, and educating ourselves in to how, when required, we can overrule it.

 

This is far easier said than done of course, because it appears that this programming is a hidden file, and the brain has a "Do not show hidden files" override set as default.

[HeavenOrHell]

I should also have said I've learnt how horrendous heartbreak can be.

[DustySaltus]

When you think with your heart instead of your head you are blind to the consenquences of your decisions and actions.

[Simon Attwood]

When you think with FEAR you are blind to the consenquences of your decisions and actions.

 

 

hope you don't mind, but i've made a correction